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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

After the affair-not that bad

107 replies

n0tb0thered · 28/04/2018 17:47

Found out DH has been having affairs. The day I found out 4 weeks ago was hard but tbh nothing has changed. I still love him, he loves me, and I will not split up our children. There have been a few arguments but we are just carrying on as normal- getting on better than ever and our sex life is amazing right now! We are doing more together and I believe him he is sorry.
Am I missing something? Is this normal? Should I not be really angry?

OP posts:
onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 28/04/2018 17:57

It depends. There’s a rhetoric on MN that men and women should not have affairs under any circumstances and having one is a hanging offence but both men and women have had affairs for time immemorial.

Some people, me included, couldn’t deal with a non-monogamous partner but I know women who can. If you’re ok and it’s not bothering you or troubling you that’s entirely legitimate. I had one friend whose husband had an affair but didn’t leave she said he didn’t care enough to leave and she didn’t care enough (about the affair) to make him leave. I couldn’t live like that in my current relationship but Ive certainly had historic relationships where it would have been okay.
If you’re okay with it that’s entirely valid but do consider how you would feel if he was to be unfaithful again in the future.

Original poster
n0tb0thered · 28/04/2018 18:04

he was with ow for a year and had a few 1 night flings before. The night I found out I could have killed him, but now we are just getting on better than ever. He said he wont do it again and I believe him. I cant see us ever splitting up. I have heard horror stories on here and didn't think it would happen to me. I just want to not think about it. It has worried friends that I haven't reacted, but I don't think I am wrong. OK, so he cheated- we are still happy together. He knows I was upset and I don't think he will dare do it again.

OP posts:
NameChangeNameChangeNameChange · 28/04/2018 18:08

Perfectly "legitimate" response, OP. Even if it's not the social norm, who cares - if it works for you?
I would say, though, maybe don't assume you much until you've had a good few months for the news to settle, because you may have emotions to process which will come up only in time.
I hope it works out well.

GertieMotherwell · 28/04/2018 18:09

It may hit you later, like a bloody sledgehammer. Or it may not.
Be prepared 💐

NameChangeNameChangeNameChange · 28/04/2018 18:09

"don't assume too much" not "you much"

Lostforagoodname · 28/04/2018 18:11

As long as he feels the same if you did it. Then it’s all ok.

Mousefunky · 28/04/2018 18:11

I honestly think you’re in shock and denial. It sounds as though you haven’t fully digested what he has done or are trying to minimise it and brush it under the carpet.

inlectorecumbit · 28/04/2018 18:15

Sorry OP but l think you have given him the green light to continue having one night stands or affairs.
Actions have consequences and he seems to got off scott free.
I hope l am wrong but sadly don't think l am

Original poster
n0tb0thered · 28/04/2018 18:20

friends are saying that but I don't think he will. He knows how upset I was and I don't think he would do it again. He is being attentive and doing more now. We have spent a lot of time together since and just enjoy each other more. My parents split up when I was younger and I don't want that for my DC. Why are people saying it should be worse- I am ok with it. He wont do it again or he would lose his children and he knows it, so why cant we just be happy together?

OP posts:
WaverleyOwl · 28/04/2018 18:21

Hysterical bonding? My parents did this after my dad's affair came out.

Original poster
n0tb0thered · 28/04/2018 18:21

not all marriages split up after affairs do they?

OP posts:
WaverleyOwl · 28/04/2018 18:21

Sorry, but it didn't end well.

captainbizz · 28/04/2018 18:23

I hear you OP, I know women who have stayed and felt similarly to you.
One however, it didn't really hit until the OW started sending her pics/screenshots etc of their time together. She found that really difficult to get over.

I think more affairs are forgiven than we are aware of because many people just don't talk about it - due to embarrassment.

Littleredboat · 28/04/2018 18:27

I think you’re conflating two different issues:

  1. You want your marriage to continue and
  1. Your husband has betrayed you.

I don’t think you’re letting yourself feel and process (2) because you’re so focussed on (1).

M0RVEN · 28/04/2018 18:28

You say he won’t cheat again because he knows how upset you were, but didn’t he know before D Day that you would be upset ? Are you seriously suggesting that he has an affair for a whole year and hid it from you but he didn’t know you would be upset about it ? in that case why did he hide it from you ?

It doesn’t make sense.

Why do you believe him now , even though he lied to you for a year?

How did you find out - did he admit it ?

How do you know he has ended it with OW?

NameChangeNameChangeNameChange · 28/04/2018 18:29

Actually, OP, I think a lot of people (me included) would like to react this way to infidelity in an otherwise good relationship, but find it very difficult to do because the hurt and other ego factors can get in the way.

GertieMotherwell · 28/04/2018 18:36

I don’t think anyone has the right to tell you what you should be feeling. No-one knows how they will react until it happens to them.

There’s lots of stock phrases used on MN about giving a green light, sweeping under the carpet, him being a ‘prize’ and many more.

GertieMotherwell · 28/04/2018 18:37

I’m still with my DH after his affair

Original poster
n0tb0thered · 28/04/2018 18:40

he said he finished with her, she said she finished with him. I don't care, it is over. She tried sending me other crap, but I don't want to hear it. It is over that is all that matters. He is mine and we are not splitting up

OP posts:
Original poster
n0tb0thered · 28/04/2018 18:41

sorry- the ow tried that captainbizz- I just don't want to know

OP posts:
Original poster
n0tb0thered · 28/04/2018 18:45

good on you Gertie. Did you ever doubt you would be? Did it bother you?

OP posts:
GertieMotherwell · 28/04/2018 18:45

I reached this stage my later than you OP.
There came a time when I was no longer interested in what had happened or any details. What was the point? I knew what I wanted for the future so why dwell on the past.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/04/2018 18:47

Sorry OP but you're posting like you have your fingers in your ears so determined are you that 'you don't want to know'. You do really because why else would you post? It sounds like relief, hysteria to me... like a feared thing is past.

You found out. He didn't tell you. It's been a year with the OW. That's not an affair, that's a relationship. Sorry. He's a cheat - a long-term cheat. You and your children didn't matter and he would still be with her (you'll never know) if you hadn't caught him.

You sound territorial and proprietorial. You thought he was 'yours' before. He wasn't - and isn't - you cannot own another person.

I hope you're right in all you believe OP. You talk a good game but every post screams otherwise to me. Best wishes to you and I hope you have access to a therapist if you need one.

GertieMotherwell · 28/04/2018 18:47

I did doubt we would get through it at times and yes, it did bother me.

My life is great though

Original poster
n0tb0thered · 28/04/2018 18:47

I knew right away. I wont leave him. How long did it take you? Why cant other people understand that?

OP posts:
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