After the affair-not that bad

[n0tb0thered]

Found out DH has been having affairs. The day I found out 4 weeks ago was hard but tbh nothing has changed. I still love him, he loves me, and I will not split up our children. There have been a few arguments but we are just carrying on as normal- getting on better than ever and our sex life is amazing right now! We are doing more together and I believe him he is sorry.
Am I missing something? Is this normal? Should I not be really angry?

Are you not concerned he will do it again and are you ok about that? He's got form. He has cheated on you with 3 women not one if I read your posts right.

OP, if you're so sure, so fixed in that belief then why do you need validation from other people? I feel really sorry for you.

Sorry I think your a mug. Of course he will do it again

There normally always more attentive and just absolutely lovely once they've been found out, until they think they are in the clear.

LyingWitch- I am proving a point to friends. They say same as you but I don't think it is the case. I don't want to know any more, but I cant be the only woman to have felt like this!

So your partner can go and shag loads of other women, say he won't do it again and everything is fine and dandy! You are either blocking the hurt out or you really are a gullible mug! Good luck you are going to need it.

I do think differently to you despite still being with my DH a number of years on.

Despite still being together I’m not sure I ever took the decision to stay, I just didn’t decide to leave.

In answer to your other question. I don’t think those who haven’t been in this situation have any idea how they would react and those who have been want reassurance that the decisions they took for their future we’re the right ones.
A bit like you’re looking for reassurance now

OP You do realise he's only being more attentive to heal the wound? Once he knows you're sweetened up he'll be doing what he's (probably always) been doing. You're in shock and denial, and afraid of losing everything you've built. But I'd be willing to bet my life that this situation will not end well. Wishing you luck x

Sorry OP I don't get it. How can you think he loves you? Don't you think you deserve better. If this was your daughter telling you about an unfaithful husband what would you tell her? Maybe some people do think like you, I honestly couldn't.

I would have some pride personally

From your op, he’s done this over and over? Some ons and a full blown affair

I don’t think he has much respect for you, but as I said before, as long as he’s happy with you fucking people then that’s ok

Honestly OP, I don't think you've given yourself enough time to know how this has / will effect your relationship yet.

I've watched this happen in a few of my friends and families relationships. I don't think staying together is a wrong choice, the same as I don't think kicking him out would be wrong either. But, in the 4 examples I witnessed, only 1 couple are still together 18months on.
1st couple split the second she found out about OW. 2nd couple split, got back together and she had another affair so they split. 3rd couple were like you, working through it and both trying their hardest, then all of a sudden, six months later, the anger hit her and she realised that actually, she wasn't as ok as she thought and they split up.
4th couple split for a little while, went to counselling and seem to be doing well.

If you can make it work, that's great, but I do think your feeing May surprise you soon and you need to both be ready to deal with that

You might be in shock OP. My Dad had a long affair, my Mum found out, they talked it through, stayed together and were lovey-dovey for months. Then it hit and it was horrible for a long time. They did stay together though. They sorted through it.

You must've had a reason for posting. If you're a regular here then you know the MN line is LTB, so perhaps you have a nagging doubt about doing that.

At the end of the day, it's your life and your decisions. Only you know what you want and need and what's best for you.

You're in denial
'He loves me, everything's fine' blah blah.
Until the next time ...

You might be in the midst of hysterical bonding.

Saying "he's mine" etc is actually a hallmark of that stage.

He will definitely do it again. I understand you don't think that right now but again that's typical of someone who is hysterically bonding.

If you are ok with him doing it again, then you will feel ok from now because you won't be as hurt or shocked when it comes out again.

Personally I'm not that bothered about monogamy so I would be unlikely to worry too much about discovering my partner had had a fling etc. As long as he was treating me well and we were happy. But I'm in the extreme minority, afaik.

I assume you're going to be hit with an emotional tonne of bricks shortly but again, because you're right in hysterical bonding, you are not going to believe me on that. Good luck

Just read your first line again - affairs plural ?

So...he's cheated repeatedly but now he's been caught he says he'll never do it again, but he's suffered no consequences in fact you're 'getting on better than ever' - do you realise that's how he'll justify his next infidelity? 'It actually helps my marriage'

I think there's an element of shock/denial going on.

Some couples do survive infidelity but when they've had proper counselling and genuinely faced up to what's happened and addressed the reasons the unfaithful partner chose to cheat (and it IS a conscious choice).

I'm open to the idea of non-monogamy for some couples, I know some and I'm not monogamous myself (but I never enable cheating).

This isn't non-monogamy, this is delaying the inevitable.

Did he practice safer sex? Has he been screened, have you? Does he work with/is he still in contact with ow?

When he was with ow, what were you doing? Having fun in another way or running the home and taking care of HIS children? (Bet I can guess)

"but I don't want to hear it" that would be denial then! Does that still hold true if that "crap" involves a serious sti or a pregnancy/child?

And if "everything is fine" why post?

I grew up in a household with a DF who had affairs. He left us and I have absolutely zero tolerance to my OH having affairs. My OH is the same as me and I have always made myself clear, you go anywhere else take your bags with you. I have a real issue with trust and if he did stray it would affect my mental health and I wont tolerate it. You can stick your head in the sand and feel you have won against a man who has a track record of one night stands and a year long relationship with OW. At some point you will recognize you deserve better...I have no doubt given what you have said that he will do it again. However you never know...and I suppose you want to believe that he has had some kind of realization which means he wont do it again,....I will wait for the next thread

Honestly. The sad thing about this, is if you had an affair, he would probably drop you to the curb
Men like this always have double standards

What you describe is hysterical bonding and is extremely common.

The sex will be much better although I don't know how long this lasts.

Some people can overlook infidelity and fair play to you if you can.

It wouldn't be for me as I don't want the love of my life to be that involved with another sole.

If course he will say he won't do it again, what else can be say.

Good luck with your descision.

I agree. If you did the same I'm sure he wouldn't have forgiven you in four weeks.

I hope your trust is worth it in the end but I would want to know why he did it. More than once?

This wasn't a one off fling. He shagged her for a year. She may have dumped him because she wanted him to leave you. It was a relationship.

Plus one night stands.

As it only took four weeks to carry on again as normal I do believe he will do it again. Because there have been no repercussions.

Sorry.

IM guessing you didn’t think he’d cheat in the first place, let alone multiple times plus a full on long term affair. Why do you believe he’s changed?

Will you attitude change if he does it again, OP?

*your

Hysterical bonding for sure. Marking your territory with the "amazing sex". I hope the come down isn't too overwhelming when the 'bonding' wears off.

I've been married for nearly 23 years. We have survived through an affair which occurred after being married for only three years.

We had to work hard at working things through and Iwon't lie, it wasn't easy, but we are happy and closer than ever.

OP - affair(s) don’t have to end a marriage. You are right.

One affair, with remorse and re-visiting the relationship; addressing any underlying issues; finding new balance, new ways of communication and rebuilding trust - is possible to live through and come out on the other end.....

Multiple indiscretions, and a long affair - one can also live though that and adjust. However, it’s extremely naive to think that he’ll not do it again - just because he saw what impact it had on you.
He also clearly saw your reaction - you DIDNT leave. And you won’t leave again and again.
He, clearly, struggles with monogamy. So - that won’t change.
So - he’ll just become smarter next time.
And you’ll learn to look another way. Not question, not ask.

Living in self-delusion can be quite happy. And no one has a right to tell you you shouldn’t.

If you want to understand more about what leads to affairs and how people can work through getting over - check out this book