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Original poster

After the affair-not that bad

107 replies

n0tb0thered · 28/04/2018 17:47

Found out DH has been having affairs. The day I found out 4 weeks ago was hard but tbh nothing has changed. I still love him, he loves me, and I will not split up our children. There have been a few arguments but we are just carrying on as normal- getting on better than ever and our sex life is amazing right now! We are doing more together and I believe him he is sorry.
Am I missing something? Is this normal? Should I not be really angry?

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 28/04/2018 20:51

Oops - this one

After the affair-not that bad
Liara · 28/04/2018 20:56

The easy way to test whether this is OK is to have an affair or one night stand yourself.

If he's OK with it, then you have a happy open relationship.

If he's not, you have to think about what that says about him.

StormcloakNord · 28/04/2018 21:02

I would put money on him cheating on you again, I'd bet my life on it actually.

Ridiculously naive of you to actually think he won't?!

It would be funny if it wasn't so ridiculous.

Ni58 · 28/04/2018 21:08

Can someone explain more about/ suggest where I can read about 'hysterical bonding'?
TIA

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 28/04/2018 21:14

I think some people are being harsh on the OP. Some women are cool that their other half takes a fancy to other people from time to time. Yes, he will obviously do it again, but as long as the OP is cool with it and not losing any sleep - and gets to keep the family together - not sure what the issue is. Everybody wins. ie he gets it out of his system from time to time, she keeps the breadwinner/family together etc, kids are happy.

Graphista · 28/04/2018 21:17

But OP is NOT cool with non monogamy but under the likely false impression he won't stray again.

What did you read? Cos the rest of us read:

"He said he wont do it again and I believe him."

SevenStones · 28/04/2018 21:18

I would have some pride personally

Me too

Yes, he will obviously do it again, but as long as the OP is cool with it and not losing any sleep

The OP believes he won't.

I think you're deluding yourself OP. The only reason he's stopped for the time being is because you found out. Now he knows there are no real consequences, I doubt it'll be long before he gets going again.

Cobblersandhogwash · 28/04/2018 21:20

He will do it again.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 28/04/2018 21:28

Of course he will do it again. But if the OP is happy - let’s take her at face value - what is the problem? I have known of plenty of couples where the bloke shags about a bit and woman turns a blind eye or whatever. Not for most people but it takes all sorts eh? Who are we to judge.

Graphista · 28/04/2018 21:31

I don't think anyone has said if a couple CHOOSES non monogamy there's anything wrong with that, infidelity where one party is being duped is not the same.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 28/04/2018 21:46

Yes but what if they are both happy? The OP here suggests she isnt that bothered (especially as it has now stopped) and the added bonus of sparking up their sex life. 😎

trickle4 · 28/04/2018 21:53

I think you are in denial too. Right now you are in what seems to be a 'happy bubble' with him. In all honesty, I'm not sure why.u couldn't even be near my husband if he cheated, let alone have sex with him but that's just me.

Once the happy bubble bursts - which it will - then it will most likely hit you. You will go through blips again, he may not cheat but relationships aren't continuously good. Next rough patch it might hit you. The next thing he does that pisses you off, it might hit you then. Be prepared op.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/04/2018 22:00

Have you had an STD test?

NotWeavingButDarning · 28/04/2018 22:06

Affairs and agreed upon non-monogamy are totally different. The whole point of the latter is that all parties know what's going on, the whole problem with the former is the lies and deception and breaking of trust.

Lots of people have affairs. Some spouses are ok with it for lots of reasons: because they're pretty indifferent, because they want financial security, 'for the children ' (a really terrible reason, imo), religious reasons etc.

If you are one of those spouses who are fine with affairs, OP, then own it and go for it. But if you're sticking with your marriage under the honest impression that it won't happen again, you are really terribly deluded.

PrizeOik · 28/04/2018 23:13

Her current happiness is predicated on her assumption that her oh won't cheat again though.

That's a house of cards.

Consensual non monogamy is fine, but that's not the same as "having affairs". They aren't affairs if the non monogamy is consensual. An "affair" implies that the extramarital relationship needs to be hidden.

Op is feeling happy because the relationship feels invincible at present. She won't always feel that way if her expectation is perfect monogamy from now on.

Chinesecrested · 28/04/2018 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Turkkadin · 28/04/2018 23:43

OP You are clinging desperately to a sinking ship.

NotWeavingButDarning · 28/04/2018 23:47

Amish aren't polygamous!

Graphista · 28/04/2018 23:49

Chinesecrested your post is FULL of culturally ignorant nonsense!

Storm4star · 28/04/2018 23:53

Not all Mormons are either, just the fundamentalist ones. Regardless, that type of scenario is out in the open, not hidden.

I’m not sure why OP has posted, to tell us she hung onto “her man”?good for you OP! Shame you’ve had to lose your self respect to do so.

You can do what you want but please do not say you are doing this for your children. You are doing it for you, no one else.

Lemongingertea80 · 29/04/2018 00:07

You are absolutely in denial, he will do it again. But perhaps this works for you. It isn't really anyone elses business.

MarthasGinYard · 29/04/2018 00:14

'He is mine'

Lucky youConfused

You found out he was sticking his cock in someone else, so he's stopped.... for now.

Cobblersandhogwash · 29/04/2018 00:18

He's really not a prize.

He's dishonest.

Goodness knows what STDs he's got.

He's sneaky.

He really doesn't care if you're hurt and upset. He cares about the status quo and he's cheesed off you found out.

Next time he'll be more careful and not be found out for two years.

Op, you deserve someone who doesn't lie and someone who doesn't think hurting you is okay.

Fontella · 29/04/2018 00:29

You're deluding yourself love.

Your OH has shagged several other women during your marriage - one night stands and a year-long affair that you know about. He has been putting his dick in lots of other women to put it crudely .. coming home, climbing into bed with you and not batting an eyelid.

He says he won't do it again, (even though he's been doing it repeatedly until he got caught) and you believe him?

You are married to a serial cheat, someone who is adept is lying and deceiving and has been getting away with it for years. And you think he's going to change?

Grasslands · 29/04/2018 00:34

and what are you teaching the children, that life with a liar and a cheat is better than being a strong individual being independent?