After the affair-not that bad

[n0tb0thered]

Found out DH has been having affairs. The day I found out 4 weeks ago was hard but tbh nothing has changed. I still love him, he loves me, and I will not split up our children. There have been a few arguments but we are just carrying on as normal- getting on better than ever and our sex life is amazing right now! We are doing more together and I believe him he is sorry.
Am I missing something? Is this normal? Should I not be really angry?

He will never respect you
He will always cheat

Every action has a consequence in life....but not in your lying cheating husbands.

Get to the clinic and get some respect for yourself.

You deserve better
You deserve respect

I've never been in this boat and I'm a firm believer in you do what is right for you.

I'm not even going to give you opinion on what I'd do, or feel, if my husband cheated, because this is what is happening to you, not me.

If you feel fine with it, I genuinely hope it works out for you.

Not sure why you've come on here for though, who cares what a bunch of strangers think, if it is genuinely ok with you??

Good luck op.

It is certainly possible to regain happiness after a partner has cheated, I know to well it is. Lots of people make dreadful heartbreaking mistakes in their lives.and it doesn't always mean that is the end of a good marriage. The op knows her husband better than anyone, and should not be called naive or anything else.

Its not the same for all marriages and relationships, where a partner cheats, sometimes there is no going back,, but sometimes things can work out well if people share and care about all things.

In my experience, knowing about something and actually seeing it make a world of difference.

I expect that if you'd seen images, conversations between them and the like, you might have felt a bigger impact. Many people want to see this, to make it real, to answer questions so that they can make an informed decision about what to do next. Do you feel this yourself and maybe know, that in order to stay in the marriage as you wish to, that you need to forego this further insight into his discretions?

I think you might struggle further down the line. What if he's late home or keeping his phone very close to hand? Will you wonder about this?

See how you go, if you're genuinely not reeling from this then there's nothing wrong with that, everyone is different. Do be prepared to feel differently in time.

I'd not be surprised if the OW crops back up in some capacity, be that you experiencing mistrust or them being back in touch. I hope I'm wrong, though and wish you luck.

Yep, he’s just on his best behaviour, hence being so attentive and caring. In a few weeks his energy for this will run out and he’ll be his usual self. Then the new woman at work will catch his eye.

It wasn’t a one night stand. It takes a deeply messed up person to lie to their chosen life partner for an entire year.

I recently found out that my DH had been paying prostitutes for sex. We haven’t split up over it, although if it happened again we would and DH knows that. I don’t think infidelity has to result in separation. If you can talk to your DH and work out why it happened and how the two if you can work together to stop it from happening again, then why can’t you stay together - if you still love each other and want to be together.

Lots of people do forgive their partner.
I think figures indicate that around 70% of men admit to having been unfaithful. Divorce rates are lower than this. Admittedly not all partners will be aware of the infidelity but clearly some women stay with their partner knowing they have cheated.

Lots of people do stay after affairs. MN is a LTB bubble where stock lines are trotted out and the same posters crop up saying hurtful things to shock, supposedly to ‘help’ you. They have their own agenda.

Everyone knows people who have had affairs and they say this happened and that happened etc. But, I bet for everyone we know, there’s a dozen we don’t.

n0tb0thered, do what’s right for you right now. Don’t let anyone judge you.

wheresyouwheeliebin. Paying prostitutes for sex? I just cannot accept that somebody who loves somebody does this to somebody else. It is beyond a betrayal as it suggests he couldnt get it for free and yet he was so desparate to be unfaithful - and bored of home sex life? - he was prepared to pay for it.
The only possible conclusion is that your self worth/esteem is so low and you are so desperate not to be on your own that you will allow this. And as for it not happening again, seriously, come on!

Gertie, that's a bit unfair. Plenty of posters have said that it's quite possible to 'turn a blind eye' and live alongside a cheating spouse quite contentedly. But that takes work from the betrayed spouse. The only condition on a cheater would be that they are discreet and do not rub their spouse's nose in it. There must be lots of marriages like this.

The OP sounds more traditional, she wants her husband to want and desire only her and keep himself for her. She's not had that and, she's unlikely to get it because this man has had no consequences. His wife is so desperate that there is no outward change to their marriage that she's literally tuned out all the annoying messages, everything that she knows. She's already posted that her friends are saying the same as the rest of us.

Are they the same old LTB brigade as well?

This site is predominantly comprised of women and in that sample will be women who've been cheated on - and this board is for support. OP is getting support. At the moment though, there's little to support her in as she's in a hysteria of 'It's all going to be lovely!' and 'Don't rain on my parade'. If she'd said in her first post, "I ONLY want to hear good news stories of marriages that worked out beautifully", I wouldn't have posted out of respect for that and I imagine this thread wouldn't be as long.

I've had a look back up the thread though and I can see a few posts that are questionable 'support' but this board is a mecca for 'entertainment seekers' and there's nothing that can be done about that unfortunately

I was you at one point, minus the children. He did it again about a year later and it turned out the other affairs were the ones I knew about, there had been more. He just could not be faithful. He was addicted to the high of being with others behind my back.

A year long affair is different to a one night stand. They may have said I love you, gone on dates, talked about their future. After a year it isn’t just about sex anymore. For him to be able to sustain it for that long takes some serious deceit and disregard for you. He already knew he could lose his family if you found out, of course he did and he made that choice however many times he saw her.

Are you going to go to counselling to explore why he had these affairs because brushing it under the carpet is not dealing with it? It sounds like hysterical bonding at the moment.

He will cheat again. He has done it several times before knowing you would be upset and might leave him.

If you are determined to work through this you actually need to work through this, which means discussing it, hearing things you won’t like. Having lots of sex and bonding isn’t addressing the underlying issues of betrayal and deceit.

He's being so attentive because OW dumped him and you want him. He could easily have lost both of you! He's bound to have lied to OW about you, told her he was leaving etc.

Be aware you're giving him the green light to cheat still, especially as you've said you think you'll be together forever. For an adulterer he has the perfect lifestyle - free reign to have ONS and love affairs whilst his devoted wife will always take him back.

Sorry to say his romances weren't momentary mistakes, a year of date and sex is a long time.

This poor lady doesn't deserve any of this but by just accepting it she is setting herself up for a lifetime of heartache. It is extremely likely her husband will eventually meet someone else he really falls for and will leave her anyway. She is just waiting to be dumped.

How will you ever trust him again?

I'd bet money on the fact she ended it and he's being so nice to you because he's just so grateful you've not kicked him out.

You've set the bar low for future behaviour. He'll do it again because he knows he'll get away with it.

Sorry op but I thought the same. Together 24 years and six years ago admitted to an affair.
I forgave and the first six months was a honeymoon period.
I guess he took that as a green light to cheat again. This time his ow told.
I wish I had walked away 6 years ago not 9 months ago. I would be so much better off.
Take good care of yourself

I’m sure someone has already mentioned “Hysterical Bonding” but if not google it.

It’s what explains the getting on really well and great sex. Totally typical in the early stages post-discovery.

There’s a woman I know of from another parenting site and its offshoot FB group. A really really lovely woman. Intelligent, attractive and kind.
Her DH had his first affair a few years ago now. They worked through it eventually and seemed ok.
Then a few months ago he did it again. At first she was strong and determined and it really seemed she was ready to ditch him, grab some self respect and start afresh but she ended up getting cold feet and falling for his tears and apologies. Tragically she was even talking about addressing his “reasons”. Ffs. He’s done a total number on her. This bloke is clearly a weak excuse for a man and he’s also extremely unattractive. She could do so much better and doubtless he knows it hence the tears and desperation to keep her.

I don’t know this woman personally but it genuinely makes me sad that she’s settled for so little - just for the sake of being with someone and being able to “hold her head high” in their local community. I think there’s a huge element of “not letting the OW win” involved. But at what price?!

Anyway my point is - I think sometimes it’s easy to read seemingly harsh posts and think people are being like that for the sake of it. But I think even if you don’t know someone it’s possible to genuinely care and feel dismay if you get the impression they’re going to settle for less than they deserve.

Several ONS and a year long affair? Please tell me you’ve had STI testing?!

If you want to forgive him that's totally your prerogative but I get pissed off when people think that divorce is terrible for kids. I'm the child of divorced parents and was perfectly happy, myself and exh are divorced and our DS is perfectly happy. Stop using "the children" as an excuse.

Affairs plural??

So would you be somewhat surprised that when you smiled indulgently and looked the other way if he continued to have affairs? Would that not matter to you? Can you ever trust him again? Does he/did he think so little of you??

Actually I left my husband recently after he had an affair that I thought I could & was forgiving & getting over. I actually feel more lighter having left him.

His and the OW's story don't match. - that's weird.

He's being affectionate and caring towards you taking an interest being genuinely lovely etc.

He's not sorry or remorseful.

He's not ended things with OW.

He's just hiding it better now because you found out. Sorry

I do wish posters wouldn't have a go at OPs like this about how they obviously have low self esteem. Well, probably! Is it something they should be ashamed of and fix instantly, or something they'll need help and time to address?

You feel as you feel. There's no right or wrong.

Knowing that you are never going to leave as you don't want to split your family up ...you might as well be happy. No point in staying but being miserable.

If I had the disposition to cheat and I knew I'd not face any consequences or risk my spouse leaving me.... why wouldn't I cheat again... especially if it's better than ever. Some people aren't that fussed about cheating...it's not as big a deal..not worth ending a marriage with kids for...you may be one of those people.

People accept infidelity for numerous reasons...don't think they can do better...kids... money...lifestyle.

I've heard people swear their spouse wouldn't leave if they had an affair.

In one case I read a cheating wife said it to the OM..
Who was her DHs boss..and she was right. He found out...and had no intention leaving. A year later after it was supposed to have ended... you guessed it...it never ended.

Your DH promised fidelity when you married...yet went on to have affairs. Why does him saying he won't do it again mean anything?

You're happy. That's all that matters... I wonder though...would he be okay if the tables were turned?

Is there a dealbreaker for you regarding infidelity in the marriage?

I do wish posters wouldn't have a go at OPs like this about how they obviously have low self esteem

Many people who stay with cheaters do have low self esteem though. So it's not unreasonable to say that a person who stays with a serial cheat has low self esteem.
How you value yourself will determine how people treat you.

That's why abusers target those with low self esteem...because if they valued themselves and felt worthy...they wouldn't let another human being treat them so badly.