I think it’s happening again.

[AMillionKisses]

DP hasn’t been home, I’ve tried calling his phone his phone is ringing, when I was calling him around 11o’clock last night I was getting the busy tone, so he can talk to other people but avoid my calls?

He has a history of cheating, I break up with him but always let him back again.

I am tired of this, I’m also 7 months pregnant with our fourth child, when I fell pregnant he said he’d never hurt me again.

Even if he does leave for a while what will it fix ?
You will become fixated on where he is and what he is doing that you will be begging him to return in no time.
If you were serious about leaving this situation for the sake of your children and ultimately yourself, although you don't seem to get this not yet, you would be making plans to remove yourself from his relatives property.
What did you want from posting on here ?
Did you just want posters agreeing that yes he probably has been up to no good again or did you want real helpful and honest advice ? If you take a read back nearly every poster agrees that this situation is totally messed up and that you should go but the vibe you're putting out is that you're going to stay no matter what, so again, what was it you wanted from posting ?

OP there are some very serious sexually transmitted diseases, such as HIV. Please think of your health and your children.

Cheater with morals ..that's a new one.
You clearly are just going to put up with this until he replaces you.
I wish you the best of luck, you'll need it.

*Yes I know he is a cheat, but he has morals he would never ever kick me or the kids out of the house, or leave us to go and live with someone else.

I know you will all say I’m naive and stupid but I’ve known him for 13 years, I know what he is like and the things he is capable of*

But his morals don't extend to giving you an STD. Cheating partner could result in a death sentence nowadays.

No he won't leave you ATM he hasn't found the right woman yet but he will.

I have friends (note multiple friends) who were married longer than you and what their dhs did they wouldn't have believed possible.

People are trying to tell you how your life is going to turn out and all you can come up with is he wouldn't do that.

When you first got with him if someone had said he is going to be a serial cheat. Be is going to treat you like a fool, he is going to give you an STD would you have believed them or would you have said you don't know him like I do. He wouldn't do that.

The thing is he is no different than any other cheating partner and regardless of what you think you know of him they follow pretty much the same path.

We are trying to tell you what that path is and you seem to think he isnt like that. Somehow you are some exception to the rule

This is absolute torture to read op.

Please, get on a Freedom Programme course asap. Do this at your very earliest. Please. Do it for your kids.

Your behaviour is utterly powerless. You focus entirely on him, what he thinks, what he does, what he says. Nothing is focused on you or your children: what you think, what you want, what they need. You have allowed him to become your God. This is appalling for you and, most tragically, for your kids. You can't stop your children mirroring the example they have been set - as things stand they are on track to replicate your excruciating relationship in their adult lives.

He is torturing you, you let him because you have absolutely no idea how to stop it, and your children are watching. I can't stress how much this is damaging them.

Do the Freedom Programme asap. Please.

OK you need to think about your options.

You dont want to leave him or him to leave you so that narrows them down.

The only thing i can think of is you need to be accept he cheats, bcause he does and he has no intention of stopping. As you have no intention of ever leaving he has your permission. Even if you dont like it. There are no consequences to his behaviour. So you have to accept that this is him. You cannot change people. He has a nine year old. He has always cheated. So stop thinking about where he is when he isnt at home. You know where he is. Dont torture yourself.

Busy yourself. Get a new hobby, make
New friends. Go out with them. Have fun with them. Build a life that he is not apart of. Read novels.

Open savings acocunts so you are a little prepared for when he does decide to finally leave. The house situation for you long term is dire.

Have regular counselling sessions to deal with it all.

I've got to hide this thread as op is so stupid and frustrating. Good luck hope you don't fuck your children up anymore! Well done 👏🏼

I agree with bonbon I am also hiding this thread.

People like you don't deserve children OP.

He has taken the two youngest out, DS12 didn’t want to go with them, I’ve asked him why he didn’t want to go he said he wanted to stay at home with me, he has also said he has changed his mind and doesn’t want to go and stay with his nan anymore or go to another school and that he just wants to stay at home with me and he will try and ‘be good’ because he misses me when he is at school and will miss us all if he stays with his nan

I need to get my son help before I do anything else.

@AMillionKisses op you are really getting to me. You're priorities are ridiculous. I don't even believe all this thread is real tbh, usually threads like this turns out to be something weird. There's too much in this thread for it to all actually be real. Good luck op. I'm out

Got to be a troll. Nobody is this dumb or selfish.

On a fucking wind up.

You guys are right, I'm hiding this bullshit now too.

With all due respect AMillionKisses your boundaries, morals, sense of right and wrong are completely skew-whiff so you have no foundation to base your claim on that your husband wouldn't take your 12 DS somewhere inappropriate. Your husband is hardly a moralistic and upright person himself so who knows what he's capable of.

Your DS is completely stuck in the middle. He's at an age where it's natural to pull away from mother and move more towards his father - the person he'll be downloading from what it is to be a man. It's what happens in healthy relationships.

The only thing is your DS is damaged and has guilt about this as probably subconsciously he knows his father isn't quite 'right' or 'decent' and his mother isn't treated well.

The healthiest thing is to live separately and your DS gets counselling for this and other things. Coming up behind him are three other boys who will be downloading the same behaviour from their dad. In 15 years time you'll be in that house with five men treating you even worse than they do now. And you'll have brought it on yourself.

I need to get my son help before I do anything else

yes yes. This help can only come from you growing a back bone and removing yourself and your children out of this destructive situation.

no outside counselling is going to sort this, until you remove him from this situation.

I think it’s time for me to hide this thread as well, I have tried to ignore the horrible comments made towards me and people calling troll, you say there’s too much in this thread to be real, this is my life and this is the only place I can turn to as I don’t have anyone I can speak to in real life.

It’s so easy for you to all say “leave” but it’s not as easy as just getting up and leaving

I’m 7 months pregnant, it would be way too much to take my children out of their home and school, I would if I could afford to rent/buy somewhere near by but I can’t right now.

Everything I have wrote is the truth and I am genuine, I know that I have annoyed some of you and I’m sorry about that, I really am.

I probably shouldn't bite, but I will.

AMillionKisses

I apologise for the harsh words but the sentiment behind them still stands. I am so frustrated by your lack of understanding that your actions are deeply affecting your children. Nobody is saying leave this afternoon. But you need to look at yourself in the mirror and decide those boys deserve better. My children are pretty much the exact same age as yours and this has hit such a raw nerve for me and all i want to do is rescue your poor children from this shit situation that is primarily your partner's but also YOUR doing.

Please consider staying on mumsnet and reading other threads with abusive and cheating partners and see the advice given, and look up some online therapy and where you can meet other women locally. You need a strategy and to develop the tools to dig your way out.

I wish you luck but you're like an addict. You need to admit you need help before you can get it.

I would if I could afford to rent/buy somewhere near by but I can’t right now

I thought you were sent enough to rent somewhere by your parents each month

Then don't leave but get him out. Tell him you really need the space then change the locks. It's not his place, it's his dad's. He can go home to his parents for a bit. Don't make out it's permanent, keep him guessing, just like he does you. After the baby is born and if they're taking legal action to get you out then you look for a rental. Your parents help you with money so get them to help.

You're putting up obstacles. No one is saying it's going to be easy but you're lying down and giving up. I don't think people even particular care about you but you oldest DS is being clearly affected.

One person has called troll as far as I can see otherwise you've had 9 pages of good advice which you're choosing to ignore. Why focus on the odd person calling troll? Because it's easier to then brush off everything everyone else has said.

You will have to dig deep to get some grit. Otherwise just accept you're a doormat and your kids' life chances are being affected by their childhood. That's on your head. If not for yourself the love you should have for your kids should push you to doing something. If you think you can sort out a new school for the older one then you have it in you to sort your life out, or at least make an attempt.

And for god's sake why have another kid with him. Just mistake after mistake. I know it's too late but please get sterilised as by the sound of it he only has to rub your belly for you to completely forget what a cunt this man is and have another kid with him!

Go to the Drs and get some counselling too and help with extracting yourself rather than coming on here and ignoring the advice you're getting. Drs might have some practical suggestions. Or do you really want to leave? Probably not. You're willing to put up with him putting his dick in other women and then have unprotected sex with him yourself so it sounds like this is your lot in life. Good luck with that.

I don't speak to my mother as she had no backbone and ruined my childhood by staying with my father. That is what could be ahead of you. Is he really worth it?

I suggested having the baby and when you have recovered then leave. In the meantime save and get everything together

Why is it down to his father ? They are your children and they have a half brother they are unaware of. They will find out some time and how will they feel then knowing you kept that from them ? Ideally their father should tell them but if it were me I'd give him a deadline and if he hadn't fessed up I'd tell them myself. You can do it without blaming the dad if you don't want them to think badly of him. Children suss out everything in their own confused way and need the adults in their lives to be clear and honest with them. You seem to give all your power away to your husband. Start to make choices which work for you rather than just accepting his ways.

I think op if you are still reading this you are going through your life "fire fighting"

Trying to fix problems as they arise instead of leaving which will produce some problems initially but long term it will make you and your DC happier.

Your DC are crying out for you to be a parent to them. To make them No1 not a mother who seems to be completely preoccupied with what their philandering father is up to.

OP, I asked whether it might be a culture thing, as in some cultures it can the "accepted norm" that the guy does his own thing and will not be answerable as to their whereabouts. Plus we don't know where you live.

There are a lot of suppositions made on here, due to the fact your partner has cheated before, has given you an STI and won't tell you where he goes (btw have you even considered he is doing drugs?)

I get the feeling that this is as much about the perceived security you currently have (roof over your head, no money worries) as much as the material things. A visit to CAB would help explain that:

1. you have already said you have enough to rent a nice place
2. you could be able to get benefits.
3. your partner would have to pay maintenance towards your kids

You seem intent on burying your head in the sand and scared of pushing too far with your questions. I guess for you it's easier not to know, as long as he comes home and looks after you and the kids. He has been your support blanket for so young and it seems he has always kept you in a vulnerable state that you have never managed to get out of.

You might find things that other posters harsh, but it can be so much easier to see someone else's situation than your own. People are posting the way they see it, and using their own personal experiences to help. It feels frustrating that you do not seem to take it in.

The Freedom Programme would be a great first step.

Can I ask op if you are still around. If you were 15 when you met your dp I presume you were in school. Did you and your partner or your parents in the intervening years move countries or were you at boarding school.

@SweetBabyJebus Thank you for apologising, apology accepted.
@Oliversmumsarmy We live in a 4 four bedroom at the moment, I wouldn’t be able to afford the rent on a four bed in the area we live in now but I could afford it if I were to move to another area.
@lizzie1970a it has been very hard for me to write what is happening in my life at the moment and for someone to not believe me it’s very hurtful, as I would not wish this on my worst enemy, this baby was not planned, just like DS3 wasn’t planned, he begged me to keep our unborn.

Can I ask - after getting pregnant twice and both being unplanned...have you considered contraception?