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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think it’s happening again.

726 replies

AMillionKisses · 28/04/2018 06:58

DP hasn’t been home, I’ve tried calling his phone his phone is ringing, when I was calling him around 11o’clock last night I was getting the busy tone, so he can talk to other people but avoid my calls?

He has a history of cheating, I break up with him but always let him back again.

I am tired of this, I’m also 7 months pregnant with our fourth child, when I fell pregnant he said he’d never hurt me again.

OP posts:
SweetBabyJebus · 29/04/2018 08:13

Of course you let him go. Let him save himself.

You're not going to though...

Oliversmumsarmy · 29/04/2018 08:13

You would rather lose your ds than do without nice things.

You would rather lose your ds than leave the abusive relationship you are in.

You would rather lose your ds than actually get your act together and get a new life for your dc

Oliversmumsarmy · 29/04/2018 08:17

I do not understand what the problem is with him going into a “flat” he has plenty of friends that live in flats, would you still think prostitute if he went into a house

Yes. The fact that your ds had to wait in the car says it all..

Perplexed at your question. Do you think prostitutes only live in flats not houses

aleC4 · 29/04/2018 08:17

This breaks my heart.
Your poor children.
Can't you see how much your ds is hurting? He blames himself for your unhappiness so much that he is willing to move away from his family to make things better.
You need to sit him down and tell him how much you love him and that nothing is his fault and you don't want him to leave.
Tell him how proud you are of him for being big enough to apologise for his outburst last night.
Hug him, hold him, whatever. Just lay him know you love him and it's not his fault.
He is 12 not 2. He will understand if you tell
Him you and his dad are not getting on and that's what is making you sad.
You know you have to leave with the children, did the 'nice things'. It's not a 'nice thing' to have emotionally damaged children.

aleC4 · 29/04/2018 08:19

*sod the 'nice things' that should say

tenredthings · 29/04/2018 08:19

You absolutely need to tell the children about their half brother. This will definitely come out eventually, maybe the 12 year old already knows and is having to deal with it in secret, this could explain his behaviour. Family secrets are toxic.

If you are convinced you will stay with him you need to accept and come to terms with the fact he's a serial cheater. Insist he always wears a condom. Stop tracking him , stop caring so much what he's up to ! Get out and create your own life, and friends , even your own lovers ! Get married so if it all goes to fuck you are not left pennyless.

trickle4 · 29/04/2018 08:30

Can I ask you, in your other thread, you say your son has an ehcp. What does he have one for?

isthismylifenow · 29/04/2018 08:31

I feel for your DC OP. Do you realize what it's likeveung a child living in a dysfunctional household. You are trying to make it up to them by buying gifts, toys etc. But things aren't what is needed here. They need a stable upbringing I am pretty convinced that your 12 year old d's issues are as a result. If you really want to make a change you will. I just hope that you get to the point of realization sooner rather than later.

ILovethe90s · 29/04/2018 08:36

you were saved by your OH when you were so down and miserable. Your ds is only a few years younger then you were, and yet is already so miserable and emotionally fucked up. Who is going to Save him? OP?

could you save him? by putting his emotional well being first, above your selfishness of your whiney "whaos me" life.

you are in a better position then many others, you can leave and afford a home, your OH would also have to pay maintenance too.

I know it's hard, but the time has come to put your big girl pants on, and take control of your own life and that of your children.

Oliversmumsarmy · 29/04/2018 08:36

Get married so if it all goes to fuck you are not left pennyless

But her and dp don't own anything. It is all an illusion. Even if she did get married there is nothing to split.

I wonder how many DC will be living with nan before she wakes up to the toxic environment she chooses to live in

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 29/04/2018 08:46

@tenredthings - it is down to his father to tell him, I would never marry him this is not about money.
@trickle4 - he has the plan for his educational needs, he was diagnosed with ADHD then we were told he doesn’t have it, he was supposed to have another assessment but it never happened, he doesn’t have a school to go to at the moment, but hopefully that will be sorted soon.

OP posts:
Beautifullymixed · 29/04/2018 08:52

.

mulberrybag · 29/04/2018 08:54

You told your son, admittedly in the heat of the moment, that you wish you'd never had him, a few days later he wants to live with his grand parent but as others have said already your focus is still on your pathetic partner and not your children. This fact, at this moment in time would be breaking my heart, your child is crying out for something that you are not giving him. Most probably stability.
You say that you trust your DP to not do anything 'disgusting' with your 12yr old in tow but from your account of things you have repeatedly questioned your son as to what/where/who your DP has been up to, this doesn't make sense. What do you think your DP was up to and why was it of such importance if you didn't suspect that's what his dad was up to ?
You really really need to get some decent counselling

snewname · 29/04/2018 09:03

You told your ds that you wish that you had never had him, then a few days later he wants to go and live with his nan. But it's ok because although he knows you don't actually want him in his eyes he'll come back and help with the new baby when it's born, as he knows you will be struggling.
That poor child. Can you access some help for him from cahms? He is so mixed up. And your other children as they will be too.
Tell him you really, really don't want him to move out to reassure him that he's loved. Tell him that if that is really what he wants you'll let him but that you will be heartbroken. Poor kid doesn't feel loved at all.

As for your dp. Why should be change when he can have his cake and eat it? He knows he can get away with whatever he wants. The only person who can change is you. Do that freedom programme and get some strength. You don't owe him anything for "saving" you at 15. There has been a lot of water under the bridge since then.

snewname · 29/04/2018 09:05

I hadn't read your post mulburry, when I wrote mine saying the same thing.

BamBamIsALittleShit · 29/04/2018 09:17

@beautifullymixed that's beyond insensitive, at least contribute to the thread!

NukaColaGirl · 29/04/2018 09:31

I don’t quite know where to start with this.

Your DS is incredibly unhappy at home. It is a toxic environment, caused by both your partner AND you for allowing this bollocks to continue. Someone needs to leave the house, and it is NOT your DS. It’s your “D”P. You need to STOP grilling your DS about stuff, the poor kid Sad If your son wanting to leave doesn’t make you give your head a wobble, then I fucking despair.

Wadingthroughshit · 29/04/2018 09:42

Oh my god...this is scary. OP , leave. I think this ought to be nearer the bottom of the pile, however you seem fixated on your lifestyle. Can you speak to a solicitor regarding property ? I know you’re not married, however there has been legislation passed on inhabitants, albeit not to the degree of marriage.
Leave. Your son is carrying such a burden. Let me live at his grandparents, give him space to breath. I wonder if he continues to lash out there or if he’ll calm down.
This is not a healthy relationship. Leave. Leave. Leave.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 29/04/2018 09:47

I have asked him when is he planning to leave he has said ‘he will go one of these days’ I said to him what does he mean by one of these days, he said that if he is making me as unhappy as I say he is, he will go soon he then changed the subject by asking me ‘have you sorted out what pushchair and furniture you want for the baby, we’ll go in the morning and look’ this is his way of trying to smooth things over, I don’t believe he has the intension to leave.

OP posts:
mzcracker · 29/04/2018 09:54

Of course he has no intention of leaving. Why the hell would he? He gets to play happy families with you, shag other women while you look the other way.
He's having his cake and eating it. He's not going anywhere.
Is this the way you want to live? Start being proactive and doing something about your life.

Oliversmumsarmy · 29/04/2018 10:09

But even if he leaves his relative will want the house back and you will be out of your home. You have no rights to stay there.

Or he will leave when he has found your replacement. Then he will ask you to leave, without the DC and move back in with her and DC and you will be on your own.

No matter which way this plays out. If you stay living in that house it will not end well for you.

I presume that you are living in a house non of your peer group can afford and to leave it and go into rented would be like losing face.

If you move areas and start again no one will know where you lived and you can then have a clean slate to begin again.

Wadingthroughshit · 29/04/2018 10:14

Can i also say re. The lifestyle change....I left my first partner of six years with an 11 month old baby. We had bought our own hone, decorated it, I had a stable job. I left and moved into a flat...I had no possessions, slept on an air bed, how no tv for 4 months. I got myself a diploma, then a degree. Moved into a new house (still rented)...what I mean is, you will adjust, we are complex creatures and can adapt to our surroundings.
He is not going to leave.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 29/04/2018 10:15

Yes I know he is a cheat, but he has morals he would never ever kick me or the kids out of the house, or leave us to go and live with someone else.

I know you will all say I’m naive and stupid but I’ve known him for 13 years, I know what he is like and the things he is capable of.

OP posts:
Original poster
AMillionKisses · 29/04/2018 10:17

Oliversmumsarmy I wouldn’t be losing faith as I do not have any friends, that’s how it has always been, I am just not comfortable enough to associate with anyone else.

OP posts:
BipolarSunset · 29/04/2018 10:18

I don't know what you want people to say OP. They have advised and you're completely disregarding it all.

You're an idiot for staying and you're not thinking of your kids.

Leave.