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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think it’s happening again.

726 replies

AMillionKisses · 28/04/2018 06:58

DP hasn’t been home, I’ve tried calling his phone his phone is ringing, when I was calling him around 11o’clock last night I was getting the busy tone, so he can talk to other people but avoid my calls?

He has a history of cheating, I break up with him but always let him back again.

I am tired of this, I’m also 7 months pregnant with our fourth child, when I fell pregnant he said he’d never hurt me again.

OP posts:
Original poster
AMillionKisses · 29/04/2018 13:55

@Bobs123 I have never considered that he is taking drugs because I know he wouldn’t take drugs.

I have had someone say that he goes to visit prositutes and leaves my son downstairs, now I have you saying that he might be doing drugs, I don’t know why people would even think such a thing.
@Kittenill I boarded whilst at prep school in this country, I didn’t board after that.

OP posts:
Weezol · 29/04/2018 13:57

Amillion When your new baby arrives, please ask the health visitor about contraception for you. The contraceptive injection or the implant are easiest to keep 'secret'.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 29/04/2018 13:57

Please don’t think I am ignoring any of your comments, it’s just hard for me to read and reply to all.

OP posts:
Original poster
AMillionKisses · 29/04/2018 14:03

@Bobs123 - We live in London.

OP posts:
Isadora666 · 29/04/2018 14:15

How many more kids are you going to have with him?

Bobs123 · 29/04/2018 14:23

OP I suggested drugs as considering he is being so secretive who knows what he is doing. Was not unkindly meant - just another option.

What do you think he is doing that he won’t tell you about?

I realise some of these questions might sound harsh, but we are trying to help you question what is going on

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 29/04/2018 14:31

@Isadora666 this will be the last, we are not even that sexually active together, I make it clear to him that I don’t want to sleep with him and I don’t, that’s why he goes and gets it elsewhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
AMillionKisses · 29/04/2018 14:31

@Bobs123 sleeping with other women.

OP posts:
mzcracker · 29/04/2018 14:36

This is the saddest thing I've ever read. How long are you going to let him shit all over your life?

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 29/04/2018 14:49

Christ almighty, this has been an absolute goatfuck to read. Seriously @AMillionKisses you need to sort some shit out. I'm going to try very hard not to kick you, because you seem so alone and so isolated. BUT.

Get registered for council housing.You might be on the waiting list for years, but it's a step forward to having somewhere affordable, and you might get lucky. There's also the option of housing benefit for other rentals.
If you're a single mother, you get social security to help you out, even if you're not working. Child benefit, Child tax credit, Income Support, ESA, JSA, etc. If your income is below a certain level, your children will get the Pupil Premium, so school meals & certain activities will be paid for.
Financially, it's perfectly possible to be a single parent and have a life that's not too awful. Certainly better than you have now, feeling the way you do with a partner who is utterly horrific towards you, and the impact it's very obviously having on your children.

Your children - for the love of all things that are holy, please start putting them first. They deserve better than they are enduring. Don't create a whole new generation who think it's fine to treat women the way you're treated by this cockwomble.

But please, just get out of this awful relationship. He didn't save you, you owe him nothing, he's completely wrecked your thinking. I want to dive through the screen and pull you out of this with my bare hands. You, and your children, don't need to live like this.

MissP103 · 29/04/2018 14:51

I despair with people like you op. My sympathy is for your children. Two failure parents. Someone below said you sound like you love him more than your kids. Sounds about right.

lizzie1970a · 29/04/2018 15:10

So two kids unplanned with him? Why not? Why didn't you get contraception? I mean how passive and downtrodden can you be that you have not one but two kids you didn't want? It just beggars belief.

Bobs123 · 29/04/2018 15:15

Ok, so you think he is sleeping with other women. Have you actually asked him? and if so, does he use condoms? Not that they are effective for all STIS of course. I feel I need to ask....are you still having sex with him? How often do you think he is doing this?

Sorry, lots of questions, but I truly only have the best interests of you and you unborn child's interests at heart. Feel free to message me if you don't want to answer openly on here.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 29/04/2018 15:24

@lizzie1970a the first and second were planned the others weren’t I am glad that I kept DS3 and I am excited for the arrival of DS4

@Bobs123 I know he is sleeping with other women because I don’t regularly have sex with him (it used to be everyday, now it is only once or twice every two weeks) I will only get into bed when I know that he is in a deep sleep, I don’t ask him if he is sleeping with anyone because he will say he isn’t.

OP posts:
HonkyWonkWoman · 29/04/2018 15:24

I think that the real problem here is that no matter what he has done and how he has behaved, you still in some way love him.
You actually say this earlier and about how he will soon be home giving you a massage and rubbing your belly and all will be forgotten and forgiven by you.
You also say that you like your life style and house and "security" and the only "fly in the ointment" is his infidelity.
You're not going to change that!
So, if you're going to stay, you will have to accept it, let him sleep with whoever he wants, stop bloody well frantically stalking his movements and get on with concentrating on your new baby and children.
If you stop stressing about what he's up to all the time and causing the kids to pick up on your distress, you could stay there for a while.
If that's what you want!
Stop sleeping with him and let him bloody well get on with it and you get on with giving the children a stable childhood.
If you can't do that and keep your children totally out of it and not let them see you in a state all the time and stop bloody questioning them and involving them, then you need to leave and get them out of this toxic atmosphere that you are creating by your anxiety about him

isthismylifenow · 29/04/2018 15:41

OP he doesn't have morals.

This is not what a normal relationship is. But being so young, you wouldn't know different. Same with being on your own, without him. It is doable. He just wants to to think you need him more than you do. Think about on day, how many times does your stomach churn about something he's said, done or you've found out about. It's not healthy. So how can you raise 4 children in these circumstances. Children are a lot more perseptive than we realize. You can do this OP, you don't need him as much as you think you do.

ILovethe90s · 29/04/2018 15:57

OP does he have sex with you, even if you say no? do you get choice about having sex?

oh say you only get into bed when you know he is in a deep sleep, is that becuase you are afraid he will have sex with you, if he's awake?

Kittenill · 29/04/2018 16:03

We live in a 4 four bedroom at the moment, I wouldn’t be able to afford the rent on a four bed in the area we live in now but I could afford it if I were to move to another area

Why do you need a 4 bed house. In the real world children share and whilst you are getting on your feet a 2 bed flat with a sofa bed in the living room for you will be OK.

I have friends who because of London prices live in 1 bed flats with 2 children.

Maybe when the fog has lifted and you realise how less stressed you are you can think about moving to some where bigger or qualifying in something whilst your DC are pre school or setting up your own business that you can run from home.

The alternative is pretty bad if you stay.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 29/04/2018 16:49

@ILovethe90s no he doesn’t have sex with me even if I say no and yes I do get a choice and it’s my choice to sleep with him when I want to.

I am not afraid of him and I am not afraid that he would have sex with me if he is awake, he wouldn’t do that, he is not a rapist or a sex pest.

I wait until he until he is in a deep sleep because I don’t want to get intimate with him or be touched by him (meaning his hands on my bump or him lifting my clothing to kiss the bump) and no he doesn’t touch me inappropriately.

OP posts:
Original poster
AMillionKisses · 29/04/2018 16:53

@Kittenill DS 12 has his own bedroom my other two boys share and our unborn will have his own room but will have to share with his older brother because my 8 year old isn’t going to stay 8 forever.

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Joysmum · 29/04/2018 16:55

My mum always said she ‘stayed for me’. She was lying to herself. She stayed only because she wasn’t ready to leave, I was a handy justification so she did don’t have to face up to the fact she was staying for her!

ILovethe90s · 29/04/2018 16:59

AMillionKisses phew, good.

had to ask, as it's happen before, posters been in a relationship from a young age and not realising it's not ok.

Bobs123 · 29/04/2018 17:03

So are you saying you have no sex at all now OP? And do not plan to for the foreseeable?

Nanny67 · 29/04/2018 17:11

He knows he can get away with this and you will have him back and tolerate his behaviour because you always do. "If you always do what you've always done you'll always get what you've always got".

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 29/04/2018 17:16

@Bobs123 Yes we do but it’s only once or twice every two weeks.

He isn’t home with the boys yet and he won’t answer his phone this is the shit that I can’t take.

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