Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think it’s happening again.

726 replies

AMillionKisses · 28/04/2018 06:58

DP hasn’t been home, I’ve tried calling his phone his phone is ringing, when I was calling him around 11o’clock last night I was getting the busy tone, so he can talk to other people but avoid my calls?

He has a history of cheating, I break up with him but always let him back again.

I am tired of this, I’m also 7 months pregnant with our fourth child, when I fell pregnant he said he’d never hurt me again.

OP posts:
squeaver · 03/05/2018 16:54

Ok, I'm going to ask for a third time:

As your parents obviously have the financial resources to support you, and obviously care about your well-being, why can't you ask them to support you while you remove yourself from this terrible situation?

(Although, obviously your partner will have to also provide you and your children with financial support too).

Bobs123 · 03/05/2018 18:17

@reddie9 & @Teacuphiccup I suggested that they both get tested together as there are certain tests where you can get immediate results - Point of care test for HIV for example where the result only takes minutes. If anything shows up positive for him then steps can be taken for the OP. And given the window period of 1 month minimum and the fact she is 7 months pregnant this should be taken into account.

The partner has always been evasive about being tested, and is very obviously being evasive here, which would set alarm bells ringing for me. Passing on of any STI might not happen straight away. This is why both should be in the room for testing, and both should go for the results - not given by text, which I think the partner will also be evasive about.

However I do agree that the DS should not accompany them, although considering g he is allowed to stay at home on his own already I don’t see why this should be an issue - sounds more of an excuse.

vodkaandcranberry · 03/05/2018 18:33

I really feel for you. What a shit!

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 03/05/2018 18:43

So he won't get himself tested. He really doesn't care about you or your unborn baby, does he?

He treats you very badly, OP.

Did you speak to anyone today about your son's education?

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 03/05/2018 20:50

I’m furious, I got a phone call from my 8 year olds school teacher, she that she was calling to me wish better and to tell me that he was crying in school today because he thought of me and got upset but after a few minutes he was ok again, I thanked her for the call.

They were a bit later than usual coming home from school this afternoon because DP had taken them to the stationary shop, I told him that if he wants to go out for a few hours he can, he went. I won’t be letting him back in the house tonight.

I remembered what somebody on here said which was I shouldn’t question the children, I went upstairs go and tell him that I am ok now and doesn’t have to worry about me, I found him in my 12 year olds room crying, I asked him what was wrong he said that he had put the get well card he was making for me, in a safe place but he doesn’t remember where he put it and he asked his dad to take him to the stationary shop after school to get new things so he could finish the card because he wanted to finish it today.

I’m furious, why would he tell the children that I am ill, I don’t understand and I don’t know exactly what he has told them is wrong with me.

Yesterday my 4 year old kept on going upstairs and bringing is favourite toys down to me when I put him to bed, he gave me his PJ mask toy that he always sleeps with and said he wanted me to sleep with it.

I just called and asked him what he had said to the children because they think I am ill. He said “didn’t you say your feet were hurting you” yes I did say my feet were hurting me, I don’t see how anyone can take that as me saying I’m ill.

OP posts:
Bobs123 · 03/05/2018 21:14

So, are you trying to say that he has told the DC something to make them upset, and obviously not what he told you he’d said? And that he is making out that your recent behaviour is down to your being poorly?

So if that is what you are saying, why are you questioning it? Don’t you think that in his head it is now ‘business back to normal’ onsidering nothing has changed?

I’m guessing you’ve actually told him you will not be letting him back in tonight? And presumably because he lied? No point just telling us.

Is this right?

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 03/05/2018 21:17

I’m furious because he has told the boys that I am ill, I don’t know what he has told them for my 8 year old year to be crying at school and wanting to make me a get well card.

I have told him not to come back tonight because he won’t be let in.

OP posts:
MrsCatE · 03/05/2018 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bobs123 · 03/05/2018 21:30

Ok, so what’s the next step, given that he will get back in at some point, and taking account of the advice given on here?

MrsCatE · 03/05/2018 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 03/05/2018 21:38

Can you please stop? I am not here non stop, their dad takes them to school so I am home, I am not here in the middle of the night because I am trying to get some rest and I am not here non stop because I am the one who does the cooking and gets the boys ready for bed.

OP posts:
Bobs123 · 03/05/2018 21:45

Ok, so what’s the next step, given that he will get back in at some point, and taking account of the advice given on here?

MrsCatE · 03/05/2018 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

squeaver · 03/05/2018 22:06

You just can't see the wood for the trees, can you?

Every single bad thing that is happening to you - your kids, your living situation, your health, your low self esteem, your paranoia - all of these are down to one factor.

Remove him from your life - or remove yourself and your kids from him - and every single aspect of your life will improve. Maybe not straight away, but it WILL happen.

I can completely understand other posters' frustration with you. I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt because I believe you are very emotionally immature and - despite having 4 kids - lacking in life experience. This thread may be the most exposure you have ever had to proper adult interaction and plain-speaking.

PLEASE read it carefully again and don't zoom in on negative comments. PLEASE take the advice offered. Above all, PLEASE leave this man who is ruining your life, and your children's lives. You are young, you can re-cast your whole life. But only you can make it happen.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 03/05/2018 22:18

@squeaver it is the fact that he not thought twice about messing with my childrens heads, I can take him trying to do it to me but I will not have him doing it to the boys.

Now I am here paranoid that tomorrow social services will be at my childs school.

DS12 just came down to tell me that he is going to sleep now, he then asked me if I was feeling better and he can make me tea and toast if I want it.

I do not know what he has said to the boys.

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 03/05/2018 22:25

Your partner intimated to your 12 year old that you were mentally unstable and you didn't react .
It takes your 8 year old crying and telling someone outside the family for you to actually do something.

As PPS have said without him your life would improve. If he wasn't around for a start your 8 year old wouldn't be crying to his teacher.

squeaver · 03/05/2018 22:25

Yes exactly! He does not care about you or your children. SO LEAVE HIM.

Stop over-analysing every single thing he does AND LEAVE HIM.

Stop worrying about social services. They will not be alerted because your child was upset at school, ffs. Every family in the country would be contacted if that was the case.

It is possible that your children are concerned about you because of the way their father is treating you, not because of your own paranoid fantasies about what stories he's planting in their heads, you know. SO LEAVE HIM.

Who cares what he's said to the boys? You are their mother. Take responsibility for their well-being, and your own. AND LEAVE HIM.

Bobs123 · 03/05/2018 22:26

Ok, so what’s the next step, given that he will get back in at some point, and taking account of the advice given on here?

MrsCatE · 03/05/2018 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 03/05/2018 22:29

OP, keep on reassuring your boys that you are ok, you are an adult and you can look after yourself. It is lovely that they want to help, but keep reassuring them they don't need to worry.

Don't forget to look into a new school for DS. The sooner he's back in that stable lifestyle the better.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 03/05/2018 22:37

This evening has been the last straw for me, I need to know what he has told the boys not knowing is just going to drive me mad.

I will not let him back in the house tonight, I will text him tomorrow morning and tell him that I do not want to be with him and I do not want him living with us, I do not even want him seeing the children again, I feel so violated and right now I do feel like falling the police on him.

OP posts:
Original poster
AMillionKisses · 03/05/2018 22:37

calling**

OP posts:
anothernamechanged · 03/05/2018 22:38

OP, what do you plan to do now? If you stay where you are, in a house that he has every right to return to, he's just going to keep doing so and you're just going to keep letting him.

Realistically, I know you don't like the idea of a 2 bed property, but as a short term solution, if it allows you to get yourself and your children freedom and security, there are a lot worse situations you could be in, including the one you are in now. Put the 3 boys in together at first so you and the new baby can be in together without a newborn disrupting the others. Give the boys the biggest room with one bunk bed and one single. Make it nice, make it somewhere you all want to be. And remember that it doesn't have to be forever, it's just to get you a step in the right direction to a better, safer, happier life.

trustnoone2018 · 03/05/2018 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 03/05/2018 22:45

I'm not surprised you feel like that, OP. It's not nice to see your DCs needlessly upset.

When you text him, don't say the bit about not wanting him to see the DCs. Nothing more likely to make him dig his heels in! Feel free to keep thinking it, though!