I think it’s happening again.

[AMillionKisses]

DP hasn’t been home, I’ve tried calling his phone his phone is ringing, when I was calling him around 11o’clock last night I was getting the busy tone, so he can talk to other people but avoid my calls?

He has a history of cheating, I break up with him but always let him back again.

I am tired of this, I’m also 7 months pregnant with our fourth child, when I fell pregnant he said he’d never hurt me again.

@Oliversmumsarmy has been spot on in everything she's said. She's not making fun of you, just trying to make you see sense and look at the pathetic way you are coming across!

@AMillionKisses what did you actually expect from his thread? Support? From everything you said (which I could just bullet point but I won't) you need a good talking too. You yourself is like a child, not an adult. You and your partner have not stepped up to the mark of being a parent and now your dcs are suffering. You come across as not even being bothered. Everything anyone suggests isn't good enough (moving and living somewhere else for example) You are more bothered about people on his thread being nasty! That and the lifestyle you have. You cannot be bothered to put any effort in because it's going to be hard work. And you've probably never done a hard days work in your life.

I honestly don't know what you expect from this thread op. You are making so many people angry and that's mainly because of your ridiculous and childish outlook on life and your pathetic excuses for the way things are in your life.

Basically you need a massive massive kick up the arse but I don't think even that would make you see sense.

You are making others (including myself) angry as we all go through shit. Sometimes we bring it on ourselves, sometimes it's given to us. Either way, life as an adult means you have to take the bull by the horns and get on with it. That's being a grown up. Not just pussy footing around it all, thinking one day it will get better. It won't. Not for you anyway. It's like you are waiting to be rescued. For someone else to pick up the pieces of your mess.

As a parent your job is not to screw up your children. You are doing the opposite. Everyday your 12 year old is becoming more and more screwed up because of his dysfunctional life. He sees literally no values or morals from his mum and dad whatsoever and he's at an age where he needs that more than ever. You can blame his adhd but that's nothing to do with it. If he has adhd, you should be teaching him right from wrong more than ever as it won't come naturally to him. This makes me wonder why you say 'he thought he had adhd then decided he didnt'

Do you not understand why you are so frustrating? Seriously if you thought you would get sympathy, you are wrong. My sympathy goes out to people who do their best at life but simply cannot get a break for whatever reason. Not those dumb enough to make a life like you have then sit there feeling sorry for themselves when it all goes wrong.

I am not playing the victim, I am just saying how I feel.

I have made the first step today by going to see my doctor. DP suggested this morning that the three of us go out until it’s time to collect the boys, I’ve said I don’t want to go anywhere with him only to be told ‘he is trying and I don’t know how much he loves me and I need to meet him half way’

I don’t want to go out with him and play happy families, I do not want to pretend to people in public that he is the loving partner, I don’t want him to touch me or try and hold my hand, I don’t want to go anywhere with him. He said he would buy a bed but he hasn’t, last night he slept on the bottom of our bed, I do not want him in the same room as me whilst I sleep.

Yes, you've made the first step but what is your long-term plan?

I know your priority is your son but you don't seem to realise that his father is one of the cases of his problems. Getting your son some help, getting him into another school - that's all well and good, but you'll still be living with this awful man in this toxic relationship.

It's not about him sleeping in another room MAKE A PLAN to leave him.

Figure out what financial resources you need and how you will get them (your parents in the short term?).

Look at where else you're going to live and make plans to move there. OR, agree with your partner that you are going to stay in the house and agree what his financial support is going to be.

Really, you should be seeing a solicitor but I can already imagine what your reaction to that will be.

Focus on your children. You have two (almost three) other kids that you need to ensure don't end up like your eldest.

Stop spending your time tracking his movements on an app, and being defensive on Mumsnet. Read the advice you have been give here and do something about it.

I feel genuinely upset for your children being brought up in such a horrible atmosphere. They are going to grow up so damaged.

Titty OP pointing out a few users are bullying her isn't acting the victim.

I think a few are acting like a bully on this thread. Fair enough say your point, but some are just repeatedly coming back to kick the OP whilst she's down.

Well done for going to the Drs.

Your long term plan must be to leave. There is no other way to protect your children (emotionally not physically- you have said you arent at physical risk from DPs work).

Everything you do up until then is harm minimisation. Causing the least damage and harm.

Once you are out, you can start to try to address any issues that exist, and which may rise between now and that.
So one thing at a time, but you must keep moving forward.

I don’t understand the op. There are so many contradictions. You say you bring your children up not to hurt people but he was excluded FOR BULLYING.

It is a well known fact that most bullies become this way due to a disturbed home life.

Didn’t you say you nearly killed yourself because of bullying? How are you not getting this child help?!!

And your DP ‘sleeping at the bottom of the bed’ is coercive control if you expressed that you didn’t want him there. He Knows you Have no backbone and he will just always get his own way. Is this how you want your life to be?

We are trying to point out that the OPs situation is not unique. Those of us who have been round the block a few times have seen something akin to ops situation before and how if the OP continued on the path the op is on it leads to disaster and we get back insults, accusations of bullying and generally an air of how she looks down her nose at any one who goes to work and lives a normal life, claims benefits.
Saying bringing up children in a 2 bed house is having them live in poverty is one insult to those, including me who lived like this because we like millions like us don't have someone giving us money and houses to live in.

I come from a 2 bed 1 box room council house on one of the worse estates in the UK shared with 4 other families. No hot water, no bathroom, outside toilet, single skin bare brick walls and ice on the inside of the windows and no money is poverty.

@oliversmumsarmy AGREED!

I grew up in a 5 bed detached in an exclusive area with parents like these and suffered emotional poverty which is far worse. Now I have 3 kids in a 2 bed cottage and I sleep on a pull out Ikea sofa bed which is the comfiest bed I’ve ever had especially as I no longer have my XH in it!

@VillageIdiotInnit I have always punished him for bullying, and I’ve always told him the effects it has on people, I don’t know the reason why he was bullying the other children.

I have just told DP that I am going to the clinic to get tested and that he needs to come with me to tested also. He said it’s not convenient for us to go together whilst our 12 year old is not at school unless I want him coming with us and he is too young to know about these things and that he is not stupid and he knows how to read, he said he will go by himself one of these days.

how she looks down her nose at any one who goes to work and lives a normal life, claims benefits

I do not look down my nose at anyone, how many more times will I have to say it. If I knew saying I didn’t want my kids to feel like they were living in poverty, would upset people on here I wouldn’t have said it.

@AMillionKisses why do you need 'd'p to go with you???? Go on your own! You sound like you cannot do anything without him. You don't even need to tell him you are going to be tested. Try be independent for once. And tbf....for once he's right. Please do not drag that poor 12 year old to an sti clinic. Go yourself. On your own like a big grown up girl.

@reddie9 I want him to come with me so we can both get tested at the same time, and I would never take my 12 year old with me.

@AMillionKisses why lol? You won't get your results that day anyway. You don't have to go together at all. Just more excuses. I went once....on my own.....was it a nice experience? Nope it was shit. But I am a grown up so I put my big girl pants on and went. Suggest you do the same.

You said you’d already been for a test earlier in the thread so you’ll know the score.
Go for a test, start using condoms straight away and get tested again in three months in case you’ve caught something recently and it’s taken time to show.

@reddie9 because I want him to get tested, otherwise he isn’t going to get tested, that’s why I told him I’m going to get tested I don’t understand why you find this funny.

@AMillionKisses because I don't understand why you care if he gets tested. Just yet again you are focusing on totally the wrong thing. So what if he doesn't get tested? You've already said you won't be sleeping with him again (hopefully you've at least got enough sense to actually follow that through).

You are so invested in this man who is an utter c-word....it's unreal.

Tbh OP .. you sound pathetic and I feel sorry for those children. I can't even read the full thread because it's pissing me off too much.

He was bullying the other children because he was trying to exert power and control over someone else as he clearly feels insecure. Because of his parents. You must understand that. If not, he’s just copying his dad. Which is also on you.

A summary of OP's comments:

DH is a cheat and a liar
He buys us all nice things so I don't want to leave
Throwing material things at my children will keep them happy, even if they are in a toxic environment.

OP I don't even know why you bothered posting.

And I may have missed something but why on do your parents need to send you money regularly?

You say your partner ‘saved’ you from bullying but he has been bullying you for almost half of your life. Insisting on sleeping in your bed after you asked him not to is controlling and abusive. Let alone flaunting his other family in your face with zero repercussions (which you NEED to tell your kids about ASAP or you will lose all trust and respect from them when they eventually find out). He didn’t save you from anything. Out of the frying pan and into the fire of misery and the burden of multiple unwanted pregnancies and dependency. At 15 you had more choices than you do now. Unless you are thriving on the drama of it (which I believe is true as you have no friends and seemingly nothing else going on in your life - not ‘being mean’ just stating fact) that’s fine if you didn’t have kids. But you do. And this fuckery is ruining their lives. You may not see it now, but one day I guarantee it will. I repeat, I think people have been very generous sharing their own personal experiences with you to help, but you are being very disrespectful and saying people are picking on you. I think this is because you have no life experience aside from being a mother. One day you will be dealing with FAR WORSE than a cheating partner. Fourfold.

@Goldmonday they just do, they’ve done it since they left the country.