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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think it’s happening again.

726 replies

AMillionKisses · 28/04/2018 06:58

DP hasn’t been home, I’ve tried calling his phone his phone is ringing, when I was calling him around 11o’clock last night I was getting the busy tone, so he can talk to other people but avoid my calls?

He has a history of cheating, I break up with him but always let him back again.

I am tired of this, I’m also 7 months pregnant with our fourth child, when I fell pregnant he said he’d never hurt me again.

OP posts:
Bobs123 · 02/05/2018 20:48

The 12 year old is the only one who was not in a fee paying school.

Will let the OP answer the other questions.

TittyGolightly · 02/05/2018 20:54

You do know it’s illegal to not send your child to school don’t you?

No it isn’t.

It’s illegal to not provide them with an adequate education. (Ie school or home education).

But the OP doesn’t care about the law.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 02/05/2018 20:55

@Granville72 my 12 year old has always gone to state schools, I don’t know why you are saying things don’t add up?

I let him dictate to me for an easier life with him I guess, when I told DP that our son was bullying other children in school he said that the other children were probably messing with him, and yes I do know it’s illegal to not send him to school, I told him I could get in trouble and he said when I get in trouble he will get me out of trouble by going to school.

OP posts:
shammy1b · 02/05/2018 20:57

It will be hard but please for your mental health in the future get flipping rid..wait till babys born n few months old n start aplanning NOW..i kniw i sound bad but he will never change babes you best beleive and ill tell you why..because you have forgiven time and time again so he knows he can grovel and say sorry prob buy you some pressies and stay away to give you time while playing dad of year but soon as you let him back your guards down then BOOM..square one..

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 02/05/2018 21:01

Ok, so you can tell him that's a kind thought, but you're going to get him into school soon because it's important.

Then you need to find a school. Maybe his last school can help with next steps if SS aren't involved?

NoMudNoLotus · 02/05/2018 21:03

Why are you still posting @AMillionKisses ?

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 02/05/2018 21:04

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas social services aren’t involved. I have been looking online and I have read that social services can help with these kind of things behaviour/schooling most of you here think I am a bad parent what if they think the same and take my children away from me?

OP posts:
Original poster
AMillionKisses · 02/05/2018 21:05

he knows he can grovel and say sorry prob buy you some pressies and stay away to give you time while playing dad of year but soon as you let him back your guards down then BOOM..square one

That is exactly what he does, he is always buying me things I don’t want or need, I never ask him for anything.

OP posts:
NoMudNoLotus · 02/05/2018 21:06

Childrens social care need to be involved.

These children need assessing.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 02/05/2018 21:11

And he doesn't listen to you. All this being around till you trust him - it's not what you want, is it?

Are you still going to have sex with him?

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 02/05/2018 21:29

what if they think the same and take my children away from me? Well, they'll be in the terrifying grinding poverty of perhaps having to share bedrooms with each other. The horror of which you said prevents you from leaving.

But at the same time, they will be with people who have their best interests at heart, not materialistic ones.

shammy1b · 02/05/2018 22:45

I personally think you should put foot down and start addressing 1st n foremost sons education and well being hun then concentrate on implementing rules in house for all the kids sooner the better and put foot down with eldest..end of day like i tell my 2 im their parent and there to guide them the best way i can to lead a stable life not sit their being best buddies for an easier life for ME..Then address your relationship as in get the flip out of there before 4th dc turns 1 at least and tbf hun saying that comment about the flat n u couldnt imagine putting kids through that seriously re read what you wrote and think about how rude it came across..some of us are single parents with more than 4 to look after and living in less than a 4 bed house so it did come across as money money money..i think you care more about being a single mom and the status that comes or personally what you think it means and also that you wont be able to move on with another whilst having 4 kids in tow..im also presuming that you are afraid of the real world.the unkown because you have always been in a word a kept women so your afraid of going it alone and what parents will say and what others might think..thats just my 2 pence forgive me if im wrong but 1 word comes to mind hun..Priorities

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 02/05/2018 23:10

DP has gone for a drive and he has taken DS12 with him (I know you are probably going to think why is he still awake at this time, he has slept for most of the day) because he knows I don’t trust him to go out alone, were his exact words. I do not want him under my feet like he has been all day today, he hasn’t give me much space and I know he is going to continue being like this until I tell him to go out.

Tomorrow I will speak to my son about school, I have a doctors appointment tomorrow I will see if he can help.

OP posts:
Lmsm · 02/05/2018 23:31

Op reading this was like reading about my own DH. It's opened my eyes I'm exactly like you! Felt we Will never be apart, this has upset me so much everything PP are saying is true. Imy hoping you listen because I know I'm not allowing it any more reading these posts! Thank you everyone

EachPeachPearPlumb · 02/05/2018 23:34

Hang on, your partner took your 12 year old son out 'for a drive' at 11 at night? And it's ok with you because he slept during the day? How in the world is that responsible parenting? Where on earth would your partner need to be driving at this time? And more worryingly, what poison is he now pouring into your son's ear? He is not a nice person OP. Never forget that.

I notice you didn't answer my questions earlier. I hope at least you've given some thought to it.

Lmsm · 02/05/2018 23:37

Although I think half the stuff u post is bollox put your kids first! Parent your 12 year old as well as your other kids please!

dirtybadger · 02/05/2018 23:42

Hes gone out for a drive with your 12 year old son at 11pm where? You have said dp isnt selling drugs, so we dont know what he is upto- but how can you be sure he isnt "working" in some capacity now?

Why was son asleep all day? You have both been home all day, with the other kids at school, what did you all do? Confused

You need to leave. It does sound like are sort of stuck as an adolescent. So it will be scary. But you can do it, like everyone else does. No one thinks "I can raise 7 kids alone on fuck all". But they do! Because they have to! And you can too.

My dsis had her first younger than you. She is now in her final year of a professional degree, with 3 dc and a life the same as everyone who started 10 years later. It can be done, your Dc are not a sentence to misery.

EachPeachPearPlumb · 02/05/2018 23:55

Good on you Lmsm. If this thread can help just one person emerge from a bad situation then it's been worth it.

Good luck, Lmsm Flowers

VillageIdiotInnit · 02/05/2018 23:57

I literally have no words. Please god SS get involved. You are a terrible mother.

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 03/05/2018 00:01

I'm in shock that you have let you do take your son put at this time of night, whether or not that he has 'slept all day's still doesn't mean that a 12 year old BOY should be going out to do god knows what with his farther...terrible parenting on your part for letting it happen... just hope that your dp isn't up to any of his illegal dealings as if he's caught there's a possibility your CHILD could also be in trouble from it.

EachPeachPearPlumb · 03/05/2018 00:08

The fact that you think this is an appropriate choice to make with a 12 year old makes me feel that you should consider enrolling yourself in a parenting class as soon as you can OP. You don't appear to have a filter for inappropriate behaviour or choices. You need some help to recognise these things.

Eastie77 · 03/05/2018 00:32

Can't believe this thread is still going!

OP, have to admit I'm intrigued: if your DP is not a drug dealer, what is his line of illegal work ( you confirmed earlier his activities are definitely illegal)? Is he a pimp, does he somehow facilitate illegal immigration, print counterfeit money or bogus goods? Just wondering what he could possibly be doing that it is so lucrative you are able to put multiple kids through pre prep and private school.

In any case I hope your 12 year old receives the help he needs and the rest of your pregnancy proceeds as smoothly as it can under the circumstances.

BlowAnne · 03/05/2018 00:45

Not sure what you're hoping to get from this thread op, other than making yourself out to be an incompetent fool with a partner involved in 'illegal activities' who thinks it's appropriate to drive around with a vulnerable 12 year old with adhd late at night, infects you with an Sti and has a 'love child' that your kids don't know about. What could possibly go wrong? Confused

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 03/05/2018 07:23

I don’t see why you all saw a problem with him taking my son out for a drive, I sometimes take him out when he can’t sleep, he loves how london is lights up when it gets dark, it is something we have done for years.

@Eastie77 No he isn’t any of those things that you’ve asked, ‘bogus goods’ were you thinking that because I am Chinese? he isn’t Chinese.

OP posts:
Chinnychinnychinnychib · 03/05/2018 07:39

Op. Was your 12 year old excluded from a mainstream state school?