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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think it’s happening again.

726 replies

AMillionKisses · 28/04/2018 06:58

DP hasn’t been home, I’ve tried calling his phone his phone is ringing, when I was calling him around 11o’clock last night I was getting the busy tone, so he can talk to other people but avoid my calls?

He has a history of cheating, I break up with him but always let him back again.

I am tired of this, I’m also 7 months pregnant with our fourth child, when I fell pregnant he said he’d never hurt me again.

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 02/05/2018 13:23

I tell you about a family I knew who had the houses they called home repossessed because they were owned by the company and you come back with that you don't have credit cards.

Jesus wept.

Of course you don't have credit cards that would leave a paper trail and with your partners illegal activities that is the last thing he would want.

Maybe I need to spell it out. You don't own anything so the house you live in and all the furniture could be gone and when your partner gets caught they will take the rest. Even your ds's video games for victim compensation or because they were bought with immoral earnings. With out credit card statements showing what you bought with your parents money you have no proof anything was bought in your name.

You also have a bigger problem. With out credit cards, borrowings etc your credit file will be in the toilet so when we are saying you need to move you are stuck because no one in the private rented sector will have you as a tenant because you are financially unstable. You also don't have any income.

VillageIdiotInnit · 02/05/2018 13:31

And also knowing DS needs to go to a specialist school, you should be moving heaven and earth to get him a place before he falls further behind not hiding upstairs because you’re in a huff.

Oliversmumsarmy · 02/05/2018 13:37

Why would his old school contact you. This isn't something that other people do for you, you have to organise your children's schools yourself . it is called being a parent.

TittyGolightly · 02/05/2018 13:44

He was in a main stream school, but the next school he goes to has to be a specialist school.

Why is that? He isn’t statemented.

reddie9 · 02/05/2018 13:45

As already mentioned, my son is autistic. Has an ehcp. None of what you are saying makes any sense to me which is why I think this all all bollocks.

To anyone reading who does know what an ehcp is:

  • it stands for educational health care plan. It's there for children with special needs.
  • the council provide funding to the school so the school can gain extra resources but usually staff to support the child for so many hours a week - depending on what band they are awarded.

Now the reason none of this makes sense?

When a child has a ehcp, there are so many people involved with your child. People from the council, educational psychologists, sometimes social services, mental health....the list goes on.

Children with special needs have the highest rate of exclusion in the uk with or without an ehcp. However I highly believe that no one would of contacted op about her son. If not the school (which I doubt) then someone involved with the ehcp will have done. It's their job.

I'm in the process of transferring from main stream to specialist at the moment. The amount of help out there to get me and my son through the process is amazing.

reddie9 · 02/05/2018 13:46

@TittyGolightly she said he does have an ehcp (the new version of a statement) but is very vague about it.

reddie9 · 02/05/2018 13:49

Honestly I'm so angry at you op. If it were my son, I wouldn't be waiting around as far as school goes. Even if I'm wrong and they haven't contacted you, why aren't you f**king sorting it? Why aren't you on the phone to whoever is looking after your ehcp? Why aren't you ringing other schools? Why aren't you sorting out your sons life???? And don't give that 'oh I can't help him being like he is' crap.

School is the one bit of stability this child can have on his life. He gets nothing from his parents. I bet the isolation the kid feels is unreal.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 02/05/2018 14:00

@TittyGolightly I wanted him to go to a mainstream secondary school, he never ever recieved any help or support from learning support whilst he was there (I have another thread that I posted, you can read that if you want to) he was diagnosed with ADHD then they said he didn’t have it and was supposed to be assessed again but it didn’t happen.

I answer everything you ask me but yet I’m still accused of “making things up” how could someone who isn’t going through what I’m going through make this up, and why would someone even lie about it happening? I don’t understand why you keep saying I’m making this up but you keep commenting and asking more questions.

OP posts:
Original poster
AMillionKisses · 02/05/2018 14:01

@reddie9 I am glad to hear your son is getting help I really am. My son says he doesn’t want to go back to school.

OP posts:
reddie9 · 02/05/2018 14:07

Oh well that's ok then, if he doesn't want to go back just let him sit and play games in his room all day then.....and when the time comes, he can follow in his dads footsteps.....I wish social services would knock on your door. I really really do.

Oliversmumsarmy · 02/05/2018 14:24

I have a ds with ADHD among other things and no things don't just happen you have to make them happen.

If he was supposed to be assessed and wasn't why didn't you find out why he wasn't being assessed.

As I have said before you let things happen and deal with the fall out when it finally blows up in your face rather than dealing with the initial problem in the first place

squeaver · 02/05/2018 14:28

This thread is boggling but here are some thoughts. As you do, at least, seem to be reading all the posts, perhaps some of them will penetrate.

You are - what? - 28/29 years old. You are young. You may be pregnant and you may not realise it yet but you do have the inner resources to change your life.

You were a child when you started his relationship and, really, you are still a child now, and so is your 'partner'. Your eldest son realises this already, that is why he's manipulating you and why he wants to live with real adults. He is searching for boundaries. You have start being an adult and give them to him.

Your son cannot just decide that he doesn't want to go to school. Don't hang around waiting for him to slip through the system. Use some of your money to get him some professional help. He needs to see a behavioural psychologist or maybe a psychiatrist. I don't know, I'm not an expert but get him to your GP and get a referral. They can recommend private doctors too.

Tell your parents what is going on and that you need their help. Ask them for financial support so that you can break free from this utter waste of space.

You have the chance to change your life. In five or 10 years time, you could be looking back on this point and thinking: 'I did it' or you could be thinking: 'I can't believe I;m still here in this even more messed up scenario.'

It's up to you.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 02/05/2018 14:43

He does need therapy and I would be willing to pay for it, but you don’t know my son if he doesn’t want to do something he will not do it, other children of his age do as they are told he doesn’t and if the truth be told he has never ever listened to me.

OP posts:
squeaver · 02/05/2018 14:51

Well, I stand by the 3rd paragraph of my post. You are two adolescents trying to parent another adolescent. This is why you are being defensive and not taking any of the advice that is being offered to you here.

Oliversmumsarmy · 02/05/2018 15:10

He does need therapy and I would be willing to pay for it, but you don’t know my son if he doesn’t want to do something he will not do it, other children of his age do as they are told he doesn’t and if the truth be told he has never ever listened to me

The reason why other children do as they are told and take notice of their mother is because their fathers listen to their mothers . Your son is just copying the behaviour he sees.

It isn't rocket science.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 02/05/2018 15:15

@Oliversmumsarmy my other two children always listen to me, even though my 12 year old doesn’t listen he is very helpful.

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 02/05/2018 15:41

other children of his age do as they are told he doesn’t and if the truth be told he has never ever listened to me.

Must be all him then.

Oliversmumsarmy · 02/05/2018 15:56

But your other children are younger. As they get older and see the dynamics they will lead to ignore you as well.

Remember your partner has already told your 12 year old you are mentally unstable that is why you attempted to kick him out of the house

anothernamechanged · 02/05/2018 16:30

This is beyond belief. Actually, unbelievable.

Have @MNHQ commented? I can't see anything but don't know if I missed it.

reddie9 · 02/05/2018 16:41

@anothernamechanged they haven't commented but they are aware of the thread. It's been reported

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 02/05/2018 19:24

Why would MNHQ comment on this and I don’t understand why people have reported it?

OP posts:
Bobs123 · 02/05/2018 19:31

Because of your total lack of self awareness

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 02/05/2018 20:28

Not all children listen to their parents. If you want him to listen to you, you have to make sure there are consequences if he doesn't. Can you do that? Actually, I know you can. You didn't get him a game because he hadn't done what you asked. Keep being consistent like that and he will start to listen. He may not appear to, at first!

You can and should make decisions about his education, even if he is unhappy about them.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 02/05/2018 20:42

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas thanks, I will try that, he has been well behaved today.

OP posts:
Granville72 · 02/05/2018 20:43

I’m pretty sure you said you paid for your children’s education upfront, in advance in order to get discounts.

Now you say your 12yr old has been excluded from his school - a main stream one. If that is a state school as you imply then they don’t charge for a child’s education.

Everything you say doesn’t add up.

And why are you letting a 12yr old dictate to you whether he will attend school or not. Who exactly is the grown up in this family?

And what does your lovely partner have to say about his child sat at home dossing all day?

You do know it’s illegal to not send your child to school don’t you?

But then your whole life style is funded by illegal income and sponging off parents.

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