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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think it’s happening again.

726 replies

AMillionKisses · 28/04/2018 06:58

DP hasn’t been home, I’ve tried calling his phone his phone is ringing, when I was calling him around 11o’clock last night I was getting the busy tone, so he can talk to other people but avoid my calls?

He has a history of cheating, I break up with him but always let him back again.

I am tired of this, I’m also 7 months pregnant with our fourth child, when I fell pregnant he said he’d never hurt me again.

OP posts:

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 02/05/2018 09:47

Wow. So many women on MN immersed in abusive situations who can't see the wood for the trees, yet come on here and gradually wake up to the situation.

So many women on MN who've lived like that for years, complicit in the damage of their children but unable to see it. I certainly was.

And yet so little sympathy or patience or kindness for someone who is just beginning to question whether things are not quite right.

OP, you're not the only person on here to ask a P to leave only to let him return and try to work harder at making things a success. Bear in mind some of the more helpful things on here as you do so, and well done for ignoring the more abusive posts.

Oliversmumsarmy · 02/05/2018 09:56

So he didn't even go for the day. He just packed a bag in the morning and came back at night.

So pretty much like normal.

Read other threads on men who do this. He was so crapping himself that he would have lost control of you that he will say anything.

when women are pregnant they say a lot of things they don’t mean

That is the exact words friends husband used. It was the start of him trying to prove she was mental.

I think you think you know it all and your relationship is somehow special.
You are actually in a normal abusive relationship. Nothing special.
All those that have posted to help you are probably older and seen it all before so we know the pathway you are heading. It is a bit like watching car crash TV. We can see the disaster you are making of your own and your children's life yet you think it isn't going to happen.

I think EachPeach is bang on the mark. You have never grown up.
I did notice you said that you can handle us because we were behind a computer so no chance of us physically attacking you.
We are grown women. We don't get into fisticuffs. That is what children do.

Oliversmumsarmy · 02/05/2018 10:00

Have you read the whole thread Charlotte

This woman will never leave because she prefers to screw her children's life up than live in the poverty that is a 2 bed flat.

Bobs123 · 02/05/2018 10:03

Well he was always going to come back, and you were always going to let him OP. Asking him to leave was never meant seriously and for the long term. And the fact that he said if you left he’d leave with you quite frankly sounds scary, in that he’s never going to let you go. But to your ears it probably sounded good.

Please stop focusing on the small points to dispute, and read more of the posts like from EachPeachPearPlumb & snewname. And then read them again. These are the posts you should be responding to.

Btw, if he really cares for you, will he now go to the clinic with you to get STI testing? And then go get the results together?

Oliversmumsarmy · 02/05/2018 10:15

Sorry phone keeps crashing so have to post one point at a time or I lose everything.

If your partner doesn't work and is involved in illegal activity then the woman he did business with isnt going to go away and complain to the ombudsman she is either going to come after your partner with violence or ring the police.
He probably thinks he can walk all over or ignore the little woman and she will fall in line. After all he can treat you like shit and you just fall in line.

Can I ask if both of your parents have money. Presumably they worked for that money and now they are living off that money whist funding you and your partner and 4 DC. What happens to the DC when you and your dp are through and it is divided up by 4 or 5 or 6 dc who have never been taught to work and just think money comes from someone else and who haven't the skills to get off their back side to go and do a job as their parents thought it was beneath them.

peachescariad · 02/05/2018 10:34

Stop posting any further help to this woman fellow MN users - she's been given tons of excellent advice..it's blatantly obvious she's not going to do anything.

Stop your moaning OP - do something or shut up. Your life, life, your mess to sort or wallow in

Original poster

AMillionKisses · 02/05/2018 11:26

@Oliversmumsarmy I am not screwing my children’s lives up

OP posts:

TittyGolightly · 02/05/2018 11:27

LOOK AT YOUR 12 YEAR OLD!!!!!!

isthismylifenow · 02/05/2018 11:28

we are too far gone to separate from one another

What does this even mean??

Original poster

AMillionKisses · 02/05/2018 11:43

I will be getting my 12 year old hold the help he needs when he is ready, I don’t want to push him into doing something he is not comfortable with.

OP posts:

isthismylifenow · 02/05/2018 11:52

Oh for goodness sakes.

I am now hiding this thread.

Hitting head
Brick wall.
Make the sentence OP.

Blit · 02/05/2018 11:59

I think you need to trade your partner in for a better paid criminal.

Or at the very least he needs to up his earnings from his illegal career, then you wouldn't have to scrounge off your poor old ma and pa.

Lazy buggers, the pair of you.

Original poster

AMillionKisses · 02/05/2018 12:04

I do not scrounge of my parents, I do not ask them for anything they just give they always have.

You do not know what we spend our money on.

OP posts:

VillageIdiotInnit · 02/05/2018 12:04

Op he needs the help NOW.

@eachpeach nailed it. You need help NOW.

Whilst you ha e your phone out, check where your local CAB is. And go. Now. Your son is a statistic waiting to happen. He’s not in school therefore is missing out on vital learning he will struggle to catch up on. I’m sure he would much rather ‘be with you’ and play on his computer games but he is missing out on essential socialisation and is learning from you and his father that it is ok to doss about all day. It is not healthy. My brother committed suicide because of the damage our parents did. Same story. Huge house/private education...useless as he was dead at 25. Make. Changes. NOW.

Original poster

AMillionKisses · 02/05/2018 12:26

@VillageIdiotInnit sorry to hear about your brother.

OP posts:

Oliversmumsarmy · 02/05/2018 12:30

Oliversmumsarmy I am not screwing my children’s lives up

But you are. The issue is you don't see it as you have no barometer to measure your life against.

Whilst you might not go asking your parents for money you do accept it which is the same thing.
Neither of you are standing on your own 2 feet you are just relying on mummy and daddy to provide.

What happens when mummy and daddy aren't around or mummy dies and daddys new wife doesn't see why he is supporting a grown woman.

I did know a family similar to yours. The father ran a business and the sons and daughters all had credit cards. The father bought them their family homes through the business.
One day the father unexpectedly keeled over with a heart attack. Within 3 years they were bankrupt. Their homes were repossessed as none of them owned anything. Their furniture, jewellery, anything that was bought with the company credit cards all got taken. Even fur coats and family pets were taken to be sold.

This why I am telling you that you are in a precarious position.
All bar one family whose wife worked separately and could see the disaster coming ended up in B&B and on the council house waiting list. Each one had lived in a large house in a posh area with the swimming pool and sauna but had actually owned nothing

Original poster

AMillionKisses · 02/05/2018 12:40

@Oliversmumsarmy we do not own any credit cards or do we get anything on credit.

He is at home I have asked if he is going out he said he is going out when it’s time to collect the boys from school and that he will be spending all his time in the house and won’t go anywhere until I feel as if I can trust him again.

I complain when he is out and now he wants to stay home I don’t want him staying here with me because I feel uncomfortable so I’ve come upstairs.

OP posts:

Blit · 02/05/2018 12:42

He should be out working.

VillageIdiotInnit · 02/05/2018 12:52

Where is the 12 year old? Is your pregnancy affecting your mobility? Do you drive? Go out now! Get your life sorted.

I think people are being overly generous to go giving you advice and anecdotal evidence to try to help you. You aren’t listening. It’s like you have given up. Even though folks here are telling you that your child needs help. We are telling you this because of what YOU have told us. We may just be ‘strangers on the internet’ and therefore you don’t believe our advice is valid but for god’s sake woman! THIS IS YOUR LIFE!!!! It’s not a practice run, you aren’t getting a second go at it. If you are happy as you are so be it. But your son surely deserves better. If this continues one day you will have 5 men treating you this way, not just one. Hiding upstairs is what a child does. You are a woman. Get your bag, and walk out the door. Don’t tell him where you are going. Even if it’s for a walk. You need to get your life in order, cos hun...it’s sounds utterly shit.

eggncress · 02/05/2018 12:56

OP... you came on this thread because something doesn’t feel right about your situation. That’s a good thing that you are questioning his actions. Take time to read up on abuse and don’t rush things but gradually you should start to see things more clearly as the fog lifts. That happened to me and I am now much happier. I am sorry some people are not helpful here but take some time to yourself, do your thinking and try to see your situation as an outsider would. Please read up on the cycle of abuse ... it helped me no end. Good luck.

Original poster

AMillionKisses · 02/05/2018 13:00

@VillageIdiotInnit where is my son now? he is in his bedroom probably watching a DVD or playing a game. My pregnancy isn’t affecting my mobility and I do drive.

OP posts:

VillageIdiotInnit · 02/05/2018 13:06

What are you doing about getting him back into school? Leaving him in his room to do what he likes is bad parenting

Bobs123 · 02/05/2018 13:12

Perhaps someone could post a link to online resources so that the OPs DS can do some school work while at home - appropriate for a 12 year old.

Any news on you both getting tested for STIs OP?

VillageIdiotInnit · 02/05/2018 13:15

If he has been excluded due to behavioural issues surely SS are involved?

Original poster

AMillionKisses · 02/05/2018 13:22

@VillageIdiotInnit he was permanently excluded from school last week, since the exclusion the school haven’t contacted me. He was in a main stream school, but the next school he goes to has to be a specialist school.

@Bobs123 I will tell him that we both need to go to the clinic together.

OP posts:

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