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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think it’s happening again.

726 replies

AMillionKisses · 28/04/2018 06:58

DP hasn’t been home, I’ve tried calling his phone his phone is ringing, when I was calling him around 11o’clock last night I was getting the busy tone, so he can talk to other people but avoid my calls?

He has a history of cheating, I break up with him but always let him back again.

I am tired of this, I’m also 7 months pregnant with our fourth child, when I fell pregnant he said he’d never hurt me again.

OP posts:
Original poster
AMillionKisses · 30/04/2018 19:42

@Bobs123 He said that he will be back to come and collect his clothes, if he doesn’t leave I will leave, even though DS12 says he wants to stay home with me, I am worried that he might not want to leave with me.

@Tittygolightly I know I may have wrote that, it’s there in black and white but at that stage of my life we didn’t have the capacity to plan or make that decision, please do not hold what I said earlier against me.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 30/04/2018 20:31

DS may want to stay at home, he may not. From what you've said, I think he's very likely to want to see you. Given how little your P seems to be at home, would DS really have a choice? I presume he's not yet old enough to stay long at home alone?

TittyGolightly · 01/05/2018 08:40

if he doesn’t leave I will leave

You won’t though. You’ve already said so. You haven’t followed through with any of your other threats and have 2 (almost) unplanned children as a result. You don’t value your own health, you don’t care what effect your decisions (or indecision) have on your children. The signs could t be clearer.

Is this what your parents wanted for you? Shacked up with a drug dealing cheat reliant on him for a roof over your head and them for everything else?

You’ve been his puppet since before you were an adult. It doesn’t have to be that way. Every day you stay and let him get away with it you are teaching your boys that it’s okay to do that to women and reinforcing to him that you are weak and deserve no more.

Wake up, OP.

VillageIdiotInnit · 01/05/2018 09:40

I hope this thread isn’t real.

Firstly, if what he does ‘isn’t legal’ what is your planning strategy for when he is eventually arrested and imprisoned? Do your parents know how his income is made?

People are angry because you are creating damaged people. I don’t care how you react or respond. It’s true. I know because I am one. My mother got pregnant to my father as a teenager. She stayed and stayed as she thought she couldn’t do ‘any better’. Four kids later he eventually left when my youngest sister was a baby. He couldn’t take the house as they WERE married but he came with a van one day when we were out and emptied the contents. Everything. Even our beds. He let his own children sleep on the floor. I remember being taken to numerous ‘aunties’ houses and he shagged them upstairs while I was downstairs or left in the car outside. And this guy wasn’t a drug dealer. He was a church going local councillor and Rotary guy! He was a piece of shit and his behaviour coupled with our mothers lack of self respect meant that myself and my siblings have since run the gamut of everything from eating disorders, self-harm, drug addiction and death. And we were a ‘decent family’ from the outside. My remaining siblings including myself have never had or kept a decent loving relationship because we quite frankly don’t know what that looks like.

Go to China to your parents. The education system here isn’t that good if it failed you by not educating you how to not get pregnant at 15.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 01/05/2018 10:09

He come back last night, not much words were exchanged between the both of us. He left with a holdall and just said ‘I’m out’ I am not going to call him or track any of his movements.

DS12 woke in a bad mood this morning, he couldn’t find something of his and accused me of taking it, also refused to come with me to take the boys to school, whilst I was gone DS called his dad and he has told him that he is not coming home because I don’t want him in the house. I have never and never would bad mouth him to the boys, he didn’t need to tell my son that, he has said that he hates me and if I don’t let him back in the house that he is going as well.

Since I woke up this morning I have been feeling off balance, I need to do a food shop as we are running low on food but I can’t because I don’t want to leave DS12 in the house by himself I am worried if I go he won’t be here when I come back.

OP posts:
HonkyWonkWoman · 01/05/2018 10:27

You're probably feeling off balance because of the stress of it all.
Try to rest today, can you shop online and get a delivery before you have to pick the kids up from school?
Listen love, stop stressing about your 12 year old, you're not doing yourself or the baby any good at all.
Unfortunately, he's now his Df's son and if your partner stays away, I think that he will go to him or stay with his Gp's as he wanted to do a few days ago.
You have no control if he wants to go, he's 12, he'll just go when your not looking. Stop worrying! Get on with looking after the little ones.
Unfortunately, I think it's too late for the 12 year old.
He may come back when you've shown him that you can stand up for yourself and make a life without your partner.

Oliversmumsarmy · 01/05/2018 10:44

I would gently explain to your ds because daddy has chosen to do certain things he has made it impossible for him to stay. If daddy hadn't done these things then daddy would still be living with you all.

I doubt your dp will want the responsibility of a 12 year old long term and I doubt who ever he is with will want another child to suddenly become responsible for.

Whilst people are saying you have lost your ds I think a few carefully chosen words might make your ds think.

Personally I would be reporting his criminal behaviour to the police and making sure I had an escape plan. Maybe looking at changing names and starting again in another location.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 01/05/2018 10:49

I’m tired of my 12 year old dictating to me, it is my fault that he is like this. I need to take control of him before my other sons think it is ok to behave in the way he does.

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 01/05/2018 11:08

You don’t need to control your 12 year old. You need to listen to him and understand how this has happened, take responsibility for it and then be his parent.

MarthasGinYard · 01/05/2018 11:23

That poor kid

Oliversmumsarmy · 01/05/2018 11:34

But your ds is only copying his father
Behaviour he has learned because of how you and his father behave.

Far better to break the cycle now at age 12 than at 13,14,15 or 16.

That is why I would make my escape plan whilst he us out of the house and call the police on him so he won't be able to have your ds and it won't be seen to be your fault if he is arrested and charged and maybe imprisoned. It will give you time to show your ds that mummy can work hard and put them first.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 01/05/2018 11:58

I don’t understand why you are telling me to call the police on him! That’s something I would never do it would hurt my children!!

He has left so I will just focus on me and the boys.

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 01/05/2018 11:59

Never mind the harm his DRUG DEALING is doing to anyone else.

Your moral code is completely fucked, OP.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 01/05/2018 12:13

@TittyGolightly ok, do keep assuming.

OP posts:
Bobs123 · 01/05/2018 12:55

There is no point in suggesting to a 7 month pregnant woman who is still, self admittedly, in love with her partner, that she report him to the police. Plus what illegal activities he is involved in are irrelevant, and there are others besides drug dealing.

So for the moment he has left, although the comment "I'm out" could mean anything. He will still have a key to the house. He will still want access to see the DC.

It is now down to the OP to be strong and decide what is in the best interests for both herself and the DC, both born and unborn.

anothernamechanged · 01/05/2018 13:11

OP, I don't think you staying in that house is a good long term solution - for one thing, it is owned by his family. He will come back and he will always have something over you. Have any arrangements been made for him to see the children? What happens when the new baby arrives? I appreciate that for now things have only just happened, but there's a lot of uncertainty and that's probably making you more stressed. Can you send him an email, with no emotion, just saying that for now the two of you living together is not the best arrangement and you appreciate him leaving so you can remain in the house with the children, and try to suggest some days that he can see the children and where that will be. Be clear that it's an interim measure and once things have settled down a bit you can discuss once again. If you do send an email, just be factual - no anger, no blame, no emotion. Just make the arrangements that need to be made.

TittyGolightly · 01/05/2018 13:23

If it’s illegal then whatever he is doing isn’t going to enrich the community, is it?

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 01/05/2018 13:33

@anothernamechanged no arrangements have been made regarding him seeing the boys, I will not call him but I have been tracking his movements on the App (I know I said I wouldn’t)

He hasn’t got an email address he is not a tech person.

OP posts:
Mini2017 · 01/05/2018 13:34

AMillionKisses 🤦‍♂️

Mini2017 · 01/05/2018 13:35

@AMillionKisses🤦‍♂️

Mini2017 · 01/05/2018 14:00

Ffs can you just not leave this man alone?!
Jesus!
Instead of tracking him, why don't you focus on your kids and building up some self esteem, which you're clearly lacking

Oliversmumsarmy · 01/05/2018 16:20

I don’t understand why you are telling me to call the police on him! That’s something I would never do it would hurt my children

Whatever he is doing if you don't put a stop to it, it will some day involve your dc.
I would suggest that is going to hurt your dc more.

You call the police because it is the right thing to do.

As an observation your parents and yourself seem to not look into the future and come across as being very impressed with money and nice things but don't get that the money and nice things don't belong to you and neither you or your parents seem to get just how precarious your position is.
You live day to day and don't think of the future.

For instance you seem to think life is going to carry on the same but with your children's father living elsewhere. You don't seem to have thought about tomorrow, next week,next month when the gloss has come off his new found freedom and he wants back in the house and because you don't have your own place for the children it will be you leaving on your own.

That is why I said call the police. Also if the police do get involved and you weren't the one instigating it there is a likelihood that SS will be called.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 01/05/2018 16:24

@Oliversmumsarmy I am not impressed by money and money will never impress me, I was born into money and so was my children’s dad, we never speak about money, as I’m not a person to boast or brag about what I have.

I am not going to call the police on him, as said before I would never do that.

My 12 year old has given me a very hard time today.

OP posts:
VillageIdiotInnit · 01/05/2018 16:49

Your 12 year old is giving you a bad time because he is damaged. And it’s your fault. He is acting out now, and his uncontrolled behaviour will lead to god knows what. In a few years he may join a gang/indulge in criminal behaviour/self-medicate with drugs and alcohol/ self-harm/ become abusive and violent to others and so many other scenarios that are entirely realistic. Open your eyes. You’re pregnant, not ill. It’s not to late to help him but you need to change your situation as he has nothing but bad examples as parents.

Oliversmumsarmy · 01/05/2018 18:03

Bu you are impressed by money. The fact you don't have any seems to have passed you by.

When someone mentioned going and renting somewhere for you and your dc your reply was you couldn't afford a 4 bedroom house when in the real world people who have 4 dc and cant afford to rent a 4 bed house, rent a 2 bed flat and get a sofa bed in the living room. It comes across as that is beneath you.

You talked about your partners father as being a good person because he is letting you stay in his house. If anything I think neither of your parents are good parents to let you drift along in life sending pocket money every month and not allowing either of you to grow up.

Neither of you have any real direction in life.
Your partner has turned to crime and other women to fill the time till he dies or anyone stopping him and you seem completely passive. Spending your days fretting and checking where your partner is. Not wanting to rock the boat , more worried to lose what you didn't have in the first place and losing what you actually have.