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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think it’s happening again.

726 replies

AMillionKisses · 28/04/2018 06:58

DP hasn’t been home, I’ve tried calling his phone his phone is ringing, when I was calling him around 11o’clock last night I was getting the busy tone, so he can talk to other people but avoid my calls?

He has a history of cheating, I break up with him but always let him back again.

I am tired of this, I’m also 7 months pregnant with our fourth child, when I fell pregnant he said he’d never hurt me again.

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 30/04/2018 12:39

I was trying to find out why a parent would allow a pregnant 16 year old DD to go and live with another 16 year old and I see from ops last post her parents were very taken with his father.

You say that he had given you the house you are living in but does that mean it is in yours and your DPS name or does his dad still owns it in which case he allows you to live there .

I wasn't trying to be goady it is just trying to establish the background.

Yes to boarding school syndrome. I have personal experience of the screwed perspective it gives you on family life.

I am unsure what you mean when you say your dp is from a good background. What does that even mean. He has nice parents?

Whatiwishfor · 30/04/2018 13:23

I think there is a lot going on here, tbh i think your aware of a lot of the negative things that are going on around you but your unable to remove yourself and your children from the situation, i wonder why? Do you think you could be too dependent on him like in a co dependent relationship??, i think this is likely. I really worry about a lot of the things iv read, putting it bluntly you should be the "protective factor in all of this", but your not your also so so sucked in. Dont get me wrong im not having a go. I do get it, my husband left me just over a year ago, left me with two pre preschoolers, i was devastated totally devastated and still so so in love. I had not choice but to get my shit together as he was emotionally and financially abusive and given half a change would have taken everything. I had to take a step back and make a decision to do what was best for the children, to put the children first, to be the protective parent. A year on my and my children's lives are a lot better with out him.
Im also concerned because at some point this will be reported to social services, esp with your sons behaviour. When social services look into this they will not see you as the protective factor, they may actually consider that your contributing. This is not a position that you want to be in.
There is so much help out there, i know cos iv accessed a lot of it.
Please dont contribute towards this shitty situation by doing nothing, your children will not thank you for it.

Eastie77 · 30/04/2018 14:07

OP, I posted early on in this thread with what I hope were supportive messages and suggested you stay put for now. I’m still of that opinion but am horrified at your subsequent updates and agree with a PP that you need to start gathering your possessions together so you can leave in the months immediately following your baby’s arrival. Are you in contact with a midwife or any other medical professional who can signpost you towards help?

If there are back to back to calls in the middle of the night and your DP is not answering that is extremely worrying in conjunction with your update that he has an income but doesn’t work. I know you’ve categorically said he is not using drugs but could he be dealing them or be engaged in some other kind of illegal activity? Sorry if this speculation is upsetting you but he is elusive, doesn’t work (yet provides you with a certain level of material comfort) and is generally untrustworthy.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 30/04/2018 14:28

He is involved in illegal activity there is no point in me lieing to you.

OP posts:
anothernamechanged · 30/04/2018 14:43

But I thought you said he had high morals?

trickle4 · 30/04/2018 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

M0RVEN · 30/04/2018 15:22

So he doesn’t have a paid job but he has plenty money. He disappears for hours at all times of the day and night at no notice. Random people call him on his mobile. He visits random people’s houses and leaves his child in the car.

Gosh I wonder what he might be doing. It’s a mystery.

HeedMove · 30/04/2018 16:35

Hes a drug dealer? Well that makes sense why hes never home, how you have money when he doesnt 'work', why someone would call him constantly. It was likely someone wanting drugs and he was likely delivering to someone the day he had your son and ran up to a flat.

My husbands ex best friend is the same. We now have nothing to do with him. He treats his wife like shit (never cheats, not that thats any better) doesnt go home for days etc. Chances are your dp is also addicted to whatever hes seeing. Its so extremely rare that they arent.

HeedMove · 30/04/2018 16:36

*selling

Bobs123 · 30/04/2018 16:48

@HeedMoove the OP has already said her partner would never take drugs when I questioned this (yesterday 13.55)

flopsyrabbit1 · 30/04/2018 16:55

Lol some dealer's never take but morally have no problem supplying

flopsyrabbit1 · 30/04/2018 16:58

A moral dealer,well he will be a first,dont be surprised if hes pimping addicts out either its not unusual

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 30/04/2018 17:00

I’ve told him that if he doesn’t leave I’m going to leave.

Do you have any plans for that, OP? Can we help you make some so you can follow through on this excellent idea?

Eastie77 · 30/04/2018 17:03

Well I can't say I'm surprised OP. Makes total sense. I assume it's drugs?

If so I have changed my tune. You should pack your bags now. The types of people he is likely to be associating with would have no qualms about harming you and your kids if they are dispute with him. You may be under the delusion that your 'D'P has morals but you can be assured other dealers do not live by any kind of moral code. The least worst scenario is that it was a client calling him continuously last night and not someone trying to collect monies owed.

MrsCatE · 30/04/2018 17:11

Oh God, when will thread be pulled? This BLOKE(S) is yanking our chains. The poster(s) has been going non stop for 24 hours. I imagine a couple of teenage boys taking shifts at the coalface. So many discrepancies; first 2 pregnancies planned- the first at 15! He has high morals / never takes drugs but makes living by illegal means, probably drug related. Loads more but cannot be arsed.

MrsCatE · 30/04/2018 17:23

This thread was started at 06.58 on 28th and OP has been nonstop. Enough said. It would be great if all the wonderful advice could be collated before this thread is deleted.

Bobs123 · 30/04/2018 17:27

Well whether chain yanking or not, enough suggestions have now been made and I suggest we now see what the OP is going to do next.

I think all we are interested in knowing now is if he has left or she has left or if she is staying in the short term or leaving after the birth. Whichever she chooses is up to her and any other ‘sensationalist’ detail is irrelevant.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 30/04/2018 17:29

I have spoken to him, he said that he will be back to get some clothes but he didn’t say when.

I am going to try and get an early night tonight as I haven’t been getting much sleep and I also need to get my two youngest back into their bedtime routine as they’ve been going to bed later than usual.

OP posts:
flopsyrabbit1 · 30/04/2018 17:33

agree think were being played

op never seems to do anything even talk to him propally,not much chance she wants an early night,zzzzzzzzzz

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 30/04/2018 17:42

Every thing I write on here I feel as I need to explain everything and go into detail about it, I don’t understand why some of you think this is made up, why would I or someone else make something like this up?

I didn’t get any sleep last night and I haven’t been able to get any today that’s why I am going to try and get an early night.

OP posts:
Original poster
AMillionKisses · 30/04/2018 17:55

@MrsCatE when I feel pregnant with my first child, we didn’t have the capacity to plan/or make that decision to have a child, I fell pregnant with DS the second time that me and him slept together we was not sleeping with one another regularly why? Because I didn’t want to, I did want another child because I’m an only child and I didn’t want my son to be lonely.

OP posts:
Bobs123 · 30/04/2018 18:03

OP I think people have trouble reading your story as you have dripfed. You have added in along the lines that...

Your son has been violent,
You are having unprotected sex with a man - while pregnant - while he is sleeping with other women
You partner has an income from an unknown illegal source

Anyway, please don't answer any more other than to say what you plan to do. As I said above:

"I think all we are interested in knowing now is if he has left or she has left or if she is staying in the short term or leaving after the birth. Whichever she chooses is up to her and any other ‘sensationalist’ detail is irrelevant."

TittyGolightly · 30/04/2018 18:36

sadly I couldn’t full fill my dreams because I fell pregnant

But you planned the pregnancy. 🤔

the first and second were planned the others weren’t I am glad that I kept DS3 and I am excited for the arrival of DS4

Eastie77 · 30/04/2018 19:16

No idea if OP is a troll or not but this is ending up the way these kinds of threads usually go which is kind of depressing:

  • OP posts with details of suffering at the hands of an abusive DP/DH
  • Initial responses from MNetters are supportive and encouraging with practical advice
  • OP proves unable or unwilling to act immediately on the advice given
  • Thread begins to turn as posters grow frustrated and angry at OP's 'passivity' and inability to act on all advice
  • Supportive posts become fewer and fewer as people begin making personal comments about OP "You are neglecting your DC/are stupid/naive etc"
  • OP is told she must follow the advice she is given otherwise she deserves what is happening to her
  • Someone calls OP a troll
  • A particularly virulent poster declares they are leaving the thread as OP is full of crap
  • More abusive messages and wild theories about the OP and her situation are posted
  • Someone pleads with MNHQ to delete this thread
  • Virulent poster returns with 'one more message' and then declares again that they are out
  • Thread eventually deleted as MNHQ "are concerned" about it

Think we've almost reached the last point...

HonkyWonkWoman · 30/04/2018 19:39

I agree Eastie77!
Bloody hell, talk about kick someone when they're down.
I've managed to follow what the OP has told us, no problem.
I've also managed to not judge her as well.
Ffs! She got pregnant at 16, she's now got three kids and one on the way and a cheating arseholes of a partner, mentally abusing her.
No family here to support her, no real security as everyone has pointed out.
For goodness sake, give her a break!

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