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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think it’s happening again.

726 replies

AMillionKisses · 28/04/2018 06:58

DP hasn’t been home, I’ve tried calling his phone his phone is ringing, when I was calling him around 11o’clock last night I was getting the busy tone, so he can talk to other people but avoid my calls?

He has a history of cheating, I break up with him but always let him back again.

I am tired of this, I’m also 7 months pregnant with our fourth child, when I fell pregnant he said he’d never hurt me again.

OP posts:
springydaff · 29/04/2018 17:25

Leaving is usually a process, which usually takes a while. Some leave on the spot but they are the distinct minority.

Please, get the ball rolling and get on the Freedom Programme. This is a 12-week programme (tho you can drop in and out as you wish) that will stand you in very good stead going forward. You will make contacts and get a lot of priceless info. So that will start you off.

Ime it took me about a year to leave an abusive relationship. I was also pregnant during the process of thinking of leaving. I made it in the end.

You need support - ongoing. This is too much to face alone. It was certainly too much for me - I leaned heavily on Women's Aid and the Freedom Programme.

Bobs123 · 29/04/2018 17:34

Ok so you are still having sex with him about once a week. If you know he is also having sex with other women, can I ask why, given the risk involved? Is it because you think you might lose him if you don’t have sex with him?

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 29/04/2018 17:47

@Bobs123 not once a week, about once or twice every two weeks, I have sex with him because I have my own needs, he gave me the STI when DS12 was age 2-3, it was a long time ago.

OP posts:
mzcracker · 29/04/2018 17:53

What was your excuse for not leaving then? Because all I have seen is excuses, minimising his shitty behaviour and using your children as convenient scapegoats for your own passivity.
It's just stomach churning reading it.
I don't know what you wanted from this thread.

Bobs123 · 29/04/2018 18:01

OP if it is once or twice every 2 weeks that is max. once a week. And I guess it is without condoms - unless you say otherwise as you did not answer that. Condoms are not just to prevent pregnancy. He slept with someone else, he gave you an STI. Might have been a while back, but you say he is still sleeping with other women. What does that suggest to you? What do you think might happen? And the knock on effect not just to you but your unborn baby?

Wanderingbluebell · 29/04/2018 18:37

So sorry to hear you are going through this. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to consider leaving when pregnant and with 3 children already. But, your 12yo child seems to be really struggling with the situation. Maybe the younger ones are too but in less obvious ways. As hard as it may be, I think you need to find a way to make this right for your children. Wishing you strength

Mini2017 · 29/04/2018 18:40

@AMillionKisses
It's really bad. Your parents send you money right?!? Is there any kind of relationship with them? Can't they help? Maybe you should move to where they are?

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 29/04/2018 19:50

@Bobs123 This is very uncomfortable for me to speak about, it is once or twice every two weeks, not once a week. No we don’t use any protection he won’t use it with me, I get myself tested regularly, I can not stop him for sleeping with other women.
@Mini2017 Yes they do, my parents live in China but they spend a lot of time in the U.S, me and the boys always visit them in summer holidays and just after Christmas, their dad always stays behind.

OP posts:
Mymycherrypie · 29/04/2018 20:03

If you won’t leave and can’t accept that by doing that you are damaging your children, there’s not much else to say really, except good luck and let’s hope the kids aren’t too badly fucked up by the pair of you.

Mini2017 · 29/04/2018 20:30

@AMillionKisses Well, go on holiday and stay there and don't come back to him. Surely, it's doable?! No?

Bobs123 · 29/04/2018 20:32

OP I have tried very hard to help with your current risk situation (forgetting the long term picture for a moment) and to get you to question your actions. Whether you have sex once in every 2 weeks, or twice in every 2 weeks it only take ONE time to catch an STI off someone. Simply testing will not prevent you from catching an STI. You know this man is sleeping around. You know he gave you an STI before – it matters no how long ago. He is evasive when you ask if he has been tested.

I don’t tend to be blunt, but here goes….

If he gives you HIV now (and it might be the case he got it without knowing), any tests you do for this will not show up for a month. This means you will be HIV+ for the rest of your life, as will your unborn child.

Of course he might have given you HIV 1st time round, in which case you are hopefully on medication and your baby will not be infected. So moving on….

Other STIs like Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, Hepatitis – as well as passing on the infection - can cause eye, joint and blood infections or fatal pneumonia. Herpes can be life threatening and cause mental retardation for the unborn baby.

Your personal and material needs seem to be of more importance than the welfare, both physical and mental of your children – both born and unborn.

I really can’t believe I am having to say this to someone who is 7 months pregnant!!! No, you cannot stop him from sleeping with other woman but you will be just as much to blame fro anything that might happen to your family by your actions – or lack thereof.

mzcracker · 29/04/2018 20:34

You can't stop him sleeping with other women but you can stop being the doormat he wipes his feet on after he's done it!

Really struggling with this thread. I'm hiding it now. I wish you well op.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 29/04/2018 20:44

@Mini2017 No it is not doable, why would I go to China and not come back? that would be very selfish of me, I want my children to be educated in this country, he same way my parents wanted me to be educated in this country, their education is very important to me, sadly I couldn’t full fill my dreams because I fell pregnant but I will make sure they do.
@Bobs123 HIV? He did not give me HIV the first time round, I don’t know why you would think that??? I can’t remember what it was it was that long ago but I was treated for it very quickly.

He is downstairs I am upstairs I’ve just put the boys to sleep, I will ask him when I go down when he is planning to leave.

OP posts:
IamPickleRick · 29/04/2018 20:59

I think Bobs123 assumed you had HIV the first time because you seem to care not about catching it now. If you already caught it then it would explain why you don’t want to protect yourself.

FindTheSilverLining · 29/04/2018 21:00

OP you get very offended when posters suggest your partner might be seeing protitiutes, taking drugs etc because he ‘has morals’. You also get offended that someone suggests he could give you HIV because he is out there (quite often it seems) sleeping with other people and then you let come home and have unprotected sex with you... he can’t pick and choose which STIs he brings home. Surely you can’t be that naive to the fact that this is possible?

If you are unwilling to leave and seem to have this man in such high esteem... why not just have an open and frank conversation with him about what he is up to and how you feel it is affecting your children? He might just be willing to work with you on giving your children a better childhood...

However if it was me I would leave and never look back...

MarthasGinYard · 29/04/2018 21:03

He could have given you anything over the span of your relationship as you said he once did. He could have got himself infected again with goodness knows what on Friday night again.

Don't be so naive

And if you have your 'needs' as you said I'd try and scratch that itch without any body fluid contact with this serial cheat. Think of your unborn child even if you have no respect left for yourelf

MarthasGinYard · 29/04/2018 21:03

Yourself

Bobs123 · 29/04/2018 21:11

OP I did not say I thought he had given you HIV 1st time round - I just said he might have as all you said was that he gave you an STI - I have no idea which. The point I was trying to make is that if you already had HIV at least you would mostly like be on medication with no risk of transmitting it to your baby.

But now, while you are having unprotected sex in full knowledge that he is sleeping around, you have no idea of your status and what you might or might not have, and no amount of testing will stop an STI or show the current situation due to the time needed for them to show up. .

Please stop picking at small points and read the whole of posts

snewname · 29/04/2018 21:21

No wonder you got accidentally pregnant twice - even if you only have sex once or twice a fortnight. That is regular sex. Most people don't do it everyday. I'm surprised it's only happened twice tbh.

Joysmum · 29/04/2018 21:43

Great so your parents raised you to continue to prostitute yourself to a man who doesn’t love you, treats you no better than a prostitute, screws around and puts your health at risk.

I’d hope you’d want to raise your kids with better self worth and values than that.

Original poster
AMillionKisses · 29/04/2018 21:52

@snewname we were sleeping together regularly when DS3 was conceived.

I asked him again when he is planning to leave he said he will leave tomorrow because he is tired, then he said that if he is making me so unhappy as I say he is, he will leave now. I asked him where he would go and stay he said he will go to his mums house because he has no where else to stay, then he said he will have to go and live in a hotel because he doesn’t think he deserves to go and stay at his mums house, I’ve told him to go upstairs and sleep which he has, I am going to see if we can sort this mess out tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
AMillionKisses · 29/04/2018 21:55

Ok so now I am being called a prositute? Great! feel free to call me whatever you feel like if it makes you feel better.

OP posts:
Madupfam · 29/04/2018 22:02

I really hope this thread gets deleted you are ridiculous OP.

Bobs123 · 29/04/2018 22:11

Well if you plan to try to sort this out tomorrow, the first thing you should do is take a trip together to the clinic - no excuses - clinic or his mums/hotel. And NO feeling sorry for him.

Don’t you realise why other posters are losing patience OP and saying what they are? Or did you post as a statement and not expect to elicit any response?

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 29/04/2018 22:12

OP, people are trying to help you. They're offering you support, practical advice, emotional help, they're doing all they can. And you just don't seem to want to listen.

You want your children to be educated in this country, but you don't seem to want to protect them from growing up in an abusive environment - because that is what it is. Education can be completed at any time. Childhood is finite, and the lessons we learn from it stay with us forever.

A very simple question to you - do you love your DC? Because if you do, there's only one way forward.