Is this out of order?

[Grounded03]

Hi all,

Longtime lurker here and would really appreciate your point of view on this situation.

I've been feeling a bit stressed and wobbly about work and life recently, and about my marriage too. DH and I have been together for 15 years, 2 kids and have always had quite a fiery relationship - we are both argumentative and can be stubborn, and wind each other up at times. But I have huge respect and love for him too. We both work in stressful jobs and our sex life has been pretty non existent recently, which I tend to bring up every few weeks or so and get upset about but it feels like we're both stuck.

Whenever we argue, he can be very spiteful and I can be sulky and over emotional. My mind immediately springs to 'this is it, we'll have to end things', which is often an overreaction I think, but then at other times I wonder if my gut is trying to tell me something.

I went on his laptop at the weekend to finish an online shop and saw it was open on Facebook on this profile of a girl I know he is friends with - they studied together a couple of years ago and have stayed in touch I think. She once popped up as a suggested friend for me a while back. She is gorgeous and mid-20s, about 15 years younger than DH & me. Anyway, messenger was open on FB and it was an old thread saying thanks for lunch and cocktails etc, from back in July. I was a bit confused/jealous/pissed off but let it go and didn't mention it.

Fast forward to yesterday, DH says he's going to London today to possibly meet up with a work colleague about a new opportunity (I know this is true), do some shopping etc. I got a bit moody as I immediately thought I wonder if he is going to meet this girl. But he didn't mention he was at any point last night when he was talking about his plans.

This morning I checked his phone while he was in shower (something which I don't do, and which I am not proud of at all) and have seen that he texted her yesterday arranging to meet for lunch today. I played it cool and at breakfast with the kids again asked him what his plans were for the day. Again no mention of meeting her.

So he's gone off and I have gone to work and can't concentrate thinking about all of this. We've never been in this situation where I have been checking up on him or testing him. I know his version will be that he didn't want to tell me as he thought I'd be angry with him, and that they are just friends. He does have platonic girl friends, but I usually know them.

Would this be acceptable to you? I will ask him again tonight and see if he says anything. I think he might drop in casually that he saw her and make out it was just a last minute arrangement. But it just doesn't sit right to me, and I hate feeling like I can't trust him. If he still doesn't mention he met her then I think we have a real problem.

If you've made it to the end, thank you!

my RL friend who I saw yesterday read through this thread and said they don't really know DH , I just don't think he would do that to you

Just like he’d never have kept his ongoing plans and liaisons a secret you mean?

Just like every other person who has sworn blind they know their partner and that they’d never cheat you mean? You and your marriage is no different to anyone else’s where a partner has deliberately put their own wants before the health of the relationship.

Is he so naive that he doesn't know what message he's giving out to this other woman to take her out for an illicit day of drinking (one where she had to pretend to be ill to finish work early), pay for all the drinks, all the subterfuge in these plans, which is exciting in itself not to mention disloyal. He had the same thrill of making plans and meeting up with her as he would have had with a fling. They stroke each others egos for hours by the sounds of it, fuelled by expensive cocktails. No doubt about it at the very least she thinks he fancies the pants off her. How humiliating for you. I don't think I could get over that. What a stupid twat.

And he clearly waited around for hours for her and presumably also put pressure on her to meet up. How desperate for attention is he?

So you happen upon his OPEN FB page and he can't trust you?

Fuck off!

You then dig because, frankly you'd be a moron not to.

And he can't trust you.

OP he's pulling a number on you.

It is mind boggling - the trust has been lost on both sides???
He caused you to lose trust by his behaviour remember. I could not be in a relationship with anyone who came so close to straying or as many on here believe already has.
This man can never be trusted again, can you really live a life like that with him?

Just remember OP, the only reason he’s told you the truth is because you confronted him

If you hadn’t, he’d still be lying to you now.

Just a couple of things
You haven’t done anything wrong so why have you broken his trust?
So you are off to the Dr because this is all the result of your imagination.How did you(he) decide that?

I don’t agree you should leave him. I suspect he is all a flutter at having the attention of some bright young thing whilst sitting in a wine bar drinking too much. It’s not original is it? Mid life crisis territory really.

However, I wouldn’t be planning my Silver Anniversary trip TIL much closer the time!

I’m sorry but many men who ‘don’t seem the type’ and ‘wouldn’t do that’ would in fact do just that if the opportunity arose and they could justify it to themselves. Sad but true, and I include my own H in that category.

My friends and family (and his) were shocked to the core about his affair because he seems so lovely and loyal and ‘not the type’. If I were you I’d be keeping a very close eye on him from now on.

I could have written that word for word.
Google retrieving deleted texts from phones, and see what you think after you've done that.