Is this out of order?

[Grounded03]

Hi all,

Longtime lurker here and would really appreciate your point of view on this situation.

I've been feeling a bit stressed and wobbly about work and life recently, and about my marriage too. DH and I have been together for 15 years, 2 kids and have always had quite a fiery relationship - we are both argumentative and can be stubborn, and wind each other up at times. But I have huge respect and love for him too. We both work in stressful jobs and our sex life has been pretty non existent recently, which I tend to bring up every few weeks or so and get upset about but it feels like we're both stuck.

Whenever we argue, he can be very spiteful and I can be sulky and over emotional. My mind immediately springs to 'this is it, we'll have to end things', which is often an overreaction I think, but then at other times I wonder if my gut is trying to tell me something.

I went on his laptop at the weekend to finish an online shop and saw it was open on Facebook on this profile of a girl I know he is friends with - they studied together a couple of years ago and have stayed in touch I think. She once popped up as a suggested friend for me a while back. She is gorgeous and mid-20s, about 15 years younger than DH & me. Anyway, messenger was open on FB and it was an old thread saying thanks for lunch and cocktails etc, from back in July. I was a bit confused/jealous/pissed off but let it go and didn't mention it.

Fast forward to yesterday, DH says he's going to London today to possibly meet up with a work colleague about a new opportunity (I know this is true), do some shopping etc. I got a bit moody as I immediately thought I wonder if he is going to meet this girl. But he didn't mention he was at any point last night when he was talking about his plans.

This morning I checked his phone while he was in shower (something which I don't do, and which I am not proud of at all) and have seen that he texted her yesterday arranging to meet for lunch today. I played it cool and at breakfast with the kids again asked him what his plans were for the day. Again no mention of meeting her.

So he's gone off and I have gone to work and can't concentrate thinking about all of this. We've never been in this situation where I have been checking up on him or testing him. I know his version will be that he didn't want to tell me as he thought I'd be angry with him, and that they are just friends. He does have platonic girl friends, but I usually know them.

Would this be acceptable to you? I will ask him again tonight and see if he says anything. I think he might drop in casually that he saw her and make out it was just a last minute arrangement. But it just doesn't sit right to me, and I hate feeling like I can't trust him. If he still doesn't mention he met her then I think we have a real problem.

If you've made it to the end, thank you!

@StarlightSparkle sorry you went through this. So did the relationship end?

I have tried the passcode a couple of times and think he must have changed it. I wasn't 100% sure of the numbers but trying our different things got me in before and I can't get in anymore. And he turned his phone off last night, I think so no messages could pop up (as they did the night before). So yes, dodgy as fuck. I need to just get it all out in the open now.

Trust your gut. Don't convince yourself you've forgotten any combinations of the code. He's changed it because he knows he is in emotional affair territory now (and he doesn't want you to mess that up)!

Final update: we had it all out. DH was horrified I thought something was going on with this girl. He offered me his phone to look through all messages. He did admit to lying about seeing her because he thought I would be jealous. Last time he met up with her was 6 months ago.

I think he is completely clueless about things like jealous or the boundaries between friendship and affairs because he has loads of female friendships and has really clear boundaries around fidelity. (This is true. I always thought I would be more likely to cheat than him).

I realise this might all sound a bit weird and you might not believe him, but I do. He hadn't changed his passcode, I had been so stressed and panicky I couldn't remember it properly.

Lots to think about. He knows he was in the wring for lying. I also think I need to get some mental health help as I created this into a massive drama it didn't need to be and have been getting paranoid and anxious about lots recently.

Thank you so much for reading and advice.

Grounded Have you considered the possibility that you were hoping he was having an affair? If he was then you could divorce him and be seen as the good guy.

I think some counselling to get your head straight is a good idea. After all, you said you can't rely on conversations with him because he always makes himself look good and you look wrong. Counselling might help you to know when to trust yourself.

I don't think you do have enough evidence yet.

As for the "try and work on things". If he has cheated, that's a big "No.". It communicates that it's fine to cheat on you because you will just forgive him. Not to be crude but if he has done something with her, you would have been the furthest thing from his mind during the deed. All men/women care about when they're cheating on their OH's is getting their end away and the "sorrow" that comes afterwards, is if they're caught. At no point does "I really love my (husband/wife)." go through their head, its "Woo, sex.". It's something you need to be very angry about and there is no return from that. You get treated the way you allow yourself to be treated, don't let anyone walk over you that way. And don't be surprised when they do it again, because it will happen. Respect yourself enough to expect better because you deserve it.

@RunRabbitRunRabbit really? That's so ridiculous, lol.

Sorry OP, but I'm not buying it.

DH was horrified I thought something was going on with this girl.

No, he was horrified you found out.

He offered me his phone to look through all messages.

After deleting anything incriminating.

He did admit to lying about seeing her because he thought I would be jealous.

Gaslighting.

Last time he met up with her was 6 months ago.

So he's done it before? How many other times?

I don't think you need counselling to sort your head out. I think you need to wake up to the fact he is having an emotional affair and lying through his arse. Sorry.

You said he has lots of female friends, so why would you suddenly be jealous of this one? Just your original instinct. He is making you doubt yourself.

*Trust not just.

Bollox! I'm sorry but it's utter bollox!
He's mortified you found out and deleted all evidence...

My other half would never lie and spend the evening with another woman running up a 75 quid tab and then send mushy text messages afterwards..

Of course you're jealous and if he knew you would be, why do it in the first place and blatantly lie.

I agree with @GreenFingersWouldBeHandy something fishy is definitely going on.
Manipulative behaviour, making you believe your going daft, and it's all in your head.

You can't gloss it over and blame yourself in the hope of saving your marriage. Sit tight OP, more stuffs going to creep out the woodwork.

Well he's definitely done a good job on you!!
How the hell has he convinced you that this is down to you having mental health issues?
On my good god!!!

I’m really sorry OP but having read the whole thread he has just done to you exactly what you said he would.
He’s turned the whole thing around to make himself look innocent and blame you.
You must know deep down this is what’s going on, I know how incredibly hard it is to see this when it’s hapoening though.
Maybe read back through your thread to remind yourself?

But you were right to be paranoid and suspicious, because he WAS lying! He admitted it!
Can't believe he has you thinking this is all your fault.

It's bollocks.

He doesn't hide any meetings with his female friends from you in case you are jealous.

He lied and hid this one from you because he didn't want you to know he was meeting her. No other reason.

Why would he suddenly turn his phone off?

This was a date. She took time off work to meet him and he lied to you and had a late night date with her. Not for the first time either.

You're married to a liar.

That's the important bit.

'Really strong boundaries around fidelity' - ?!?! What?! Sorry but LOL. Good strong boundaries and loyalty to your spouse = not lying to them about meeting up with other people for flirty drinks and cutesy texts afterwards.

He's not loyal.

You're not paranoid.

He is however a good manipulator!

You said he was clever and would talk his way out of it and he has! You say he doesn’t understand about jealousy but then say he lied because he thought you might be jealous! That makes no sense.

You haven’t made a big drama out of nothing; is that what he said? He’s your husband and the person you should be able to trust and he lied to you, more than once, about meeting a young, attractive woman. What did he say about the ‘amazing’ comment – I suppose he says things like that to all his friends, male and female?

I think you should make it very clear that he shouldn’t lie to you ever again about meeting up with ‘friends’ of the opposite sex, no matter what your reaction might be, and that if he ever does have an affair your marriage would be over.

The problem here OP is that now if he wasn’t quite telling you the truth he will hide anything far better. I suggest you now go along with it be jolly and keep that antenna ‘up’ . The good thing is he now won’t dare change his password

Have you considered the possibility that you were hoping he was having an affair? If he was then you could divorce him and be seen as the good guy.

RunRabbitRunRabbit really? That's so ridiculous, lol

@claire90ftm I know a few people irl who have said that they secretly wish their partner would have an affair so that he/she can leave her/him. My own sister said it was a massive relief when she discovered her DH's affair, which made her realise divorce was long overdue but she needed the affair to give her the kick in the butt to do something.

Oh OP.

I'm gutted for you.

He's got you believing it's acceptable to be lied to about your husband taking another woman out for a date, in secret, then messaging her mushy emotional messages and conspiring to meet up again.

He's fucked you and the relationship right up. You will never quite be able to trust him again. Don't you deserve better than a known liar?

OMG what a fool you are sorry but who would believe any of that, he's got you well under control, I bet you ended up apologising to him, it's actually laughable.

He's a liar and a sneak.

Men are really good at what they do aren't they?

He is anyway, he's got you thinking it's your fault while he's in the clear.

Astounding.

I don't believe him tbh, I went through something similar and ended up blaming myself, I even have message I sent DH saying I'm so sorry IM such a nutter , your so good to me etc, fast forward a year later and I find out he had numerous one night stands, and my gut instinct was right all along! Some people are heartless bastards

He's following the script

Your mad and need help, he's got you convinced of that already

Wow what a prince, in the real world in equal loving relationships, silly old duffers don't buy bright young things cocktails to get their ego stroked, then lie to their wife about it.

If they are just friends, why did he pay the whole £75 bar tab? That's not normal, hell, it's not even normal on a first date anymore, for the guy to pick up the bill. And yet, he did. He paid for all of her drinks. Out of family money. And then called her amazing. And yet somehow he's convinced you, that you are paranoid?

Wow.

Woah everyone. Honestly, there are loads of things here which don't reflect what it's like in real life.

I don't forgive him for lying, I am still pissed off about this. He has apologised. He hasn't convinced me I am paranoid or having mental health problems.

I can't really explain it as you don't know him but my RL friend who I saw yesterday read through this thread and said they don't really know DH , I just don't think he would do that to you. She is my best friend and has known us both for years. She was pissed off and not minimising what he had done, she just didn't think he would meet a girl with sexual intentions.

It might sound very odd but yes. He does have lots of female and male friends that he would meet up with like this - any excuse to go out and go to the pub.

He showed me his phone, I have been through all his messages and on his computer and there is no evidence of them conspiring to meet again. In fact he has invited her to come and meet me and the kids.

You tsk me to trust my gut and I am. I knew it immediately when he was holding something back before. I also trust that he wasn't lying when he explained it. I don't justify it and I think he made a massive mistake meeting up with her but I know another friend was there too and I know that he doesn't want an affair with her. In the 15 years we have been together I have never felt worried about this and have never seen him flirt etc, that's just not him. He isn't no angel by any means but I don't think he's cheat. The lying is another thing . I know you might all think I am crazy but I feel ok about this and working through things together.