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Original poster

Is this out of order?

134 replies

Grounded03 · 24/04/2018 10:14

Hi all,

Longtime lurker here and would really appreciate your point of view on this situation.

I've been feeling a bit stressed and wobbly about work and life recently, and about my marriage too. DH and I have been together for 15 years, 2 kids and have always had quite a fiery relationship - we are both argumentative and can be stubborn, and wind each other up at times. But I have huge respect and love for him too. We both work in stressful jobs and our sex life has been pretty non existent recently, which I tend to bring up every few weeks or so and get upset about but it feels like we're both stuck.

Whenever we argue, he can be very spiteful and I can be sulky and over emotional. My mind immediately springs to 'this is it, we'll have to end things', which is often an overreaction I think, but then at other times I wonder if my gut is trying to tell me something.

I went on his laptop at the weekend to finish an online shop and saw it was open on Facebook on this profile of a girl I know he is friends with - they studied together a couple of years ago and have stayed in touch I think. She once popped up as a suggested friend for me a while back. She is gorgeous and mid-20s, about 15 years younger than DH & me. Anyway, messenger was open on FB and it was an old thread saying thanks for lunch and cocktails etc, from back in July. I was a bit confused/jealous/pissed off but let it go and didn't mention it.

Fast forward to yesterday, DH says he's going to London today to possibly meet up with a work colleague about a new opportunity (I know this is true), do some shopping etc. I got a bit moody as I immediately thought I wonder if he is going to meet this girl. But he didn't mention he was at any point last night when he was talking about his plans.

This morning I checked his phone while he was in shower (something which I don't do, and which I am not proud of at all) and have seen that he texted her yesterday arranging to meet for lunch today. I played it cool and at breakfast with the kids again asked him what his plans were for the day. Again no mention of meeting her.

So he's gone off and I have gone to work and can't concentrate thinking about all of this. We've never been in this situation where I have been checking up on him or testing him. I know his version will be that he didn't want to tell me as he thought I'd be angry with him, and that they are just friends. He does have platonic girl friends, but I usually know them.

Would this be acceptable to you? I will ask him again tonight and see if he says anything. I think he might drop in casually that he saw her and make out it was just a last minute arrangement. But it just doesn't sit right to me, and I hate feeling like I can't trust him. If he still doesn't mention he met her then I think we have a real problem.

If you've made it to the end, thank you!

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 25/04/2018 11:19

Why wait until they are doing it, it seems you could nip this in the bud.
I would confront him and be really upset, you have enough proof of him behaving in a dodgy way. Warn him he is on thin ice and if necessary send her a warning too

TuTru · 25/04/2018 11:23

I couldn’t hold it in, I’d try to but prob end up just blurting it all out. But I’d go with what MinnitheMinx said I think.
Be ready for some stressful times xx

Okaynowimconfused · 25/04/2018 11:26

I'm inclined to think that if this was the start of an affair then perhaps they'd try to make excuses to meet sooner and the texts would be more flirty and intimate. And when he said she is "amazing and don't let anyone tell you otherwise" I wonder if she'd been complaining about a bf/love interest to him?

However, aside from all that he has lied. He's not told you the full truth. I'd suspect he at least has a crush on her and things certainly could develop. I wouldn't wait OP. I would call him out on it and tell him to leave (so you can have a proper think at least). He may not have cheated but he has still betrayed your trust.

I am so sorry you are going through this Flowers

Okaynowimconfused · 25/04/2018 11:28

I've just realised the date and actually it does seem they have arranged to meet very soon.

Original poster
Grounded03 · 25/04/2018 11:42

They haven't made an arrangement to meet on the 3rd yet as far as I know, he just mentioned that as an option. I am actually meant to be going out that night and have just reminded him so we'll see if that makes a difference. I am definitely going to check his phone and computer again tonight, I feel today's texts will be make or break. Even if they haven't done anything physical yet I feel so betrayed and humiliated now. I don't know how to trust him again.

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 25/04/2018 11:55

I think the other way here having been in an almost identical situation with my H many years ago, I think this is a big crush on his part that’s maybe a bit one sided and the ow is a rather naive person who indeed thinks it’s all just hunky dory friendship in a aren’t we all cool London kind of way. He is lying because he knows full well you wouldn’t approve but the adrenaline has kicked in and he won’t stop himself, hence the guilt stuff. I actually doubt anything has happened apart from he has got himself a nasty dose of limerence and a big buzz from doing it, however OP as one who has been there, don’t ignore it, I did and the next thing was my H was writing poems about it!! Keep checking phone in secret for a few weeks to see contact patterns (it will kill you but needs to be done if you want to get a better idea of what it is) and then have a calm non emotional conversation based on what you want to do about it, either kicking the friendship to the kerb or him to the kerb. It’s very often the least likely guys that seem to succumb to this kind of ego boost and secrecy , those that are players you tend to have more of an idea, less of a shock

yetmorecrap · 25/04/2018 11:58

Oh and if you have access to the bill and know her number, check back on the bills, if it’s whatsapp, check how much he’s on it using whatsdetective , can’t go backwards though, only forwards, and before anyone says why bother if trust is gone, some people need and want to see what they are dealing with

Trinity66 · 25/04/2018 12:15

So sorry you're going through this OP :( It doesn't sound good, I don't know how you've managed to bite your tongue so far

mickeymacca · 25/04/2018 12:26

If it was me I would act totally fine and then on the 3rd of May when he's in London I would text him and say that you're also in London.... Surprise!!!! Let's meet up etc... He will crap himself....

Mommasoph30 · 25/04/2018 12:45

YES i would do what MickeyMacca said

Trinity66 · 25/04/2018 12:57

haha yeah I'm another for the mickeymacca idea

Adayindisney67 · 25/04/2018 13:09

Yes I agree with thats idea Grin

Hissy · 25/04/2018 13:17

sweetheart, please don't sit and wait for this to happen, you have PLENTY to ask him about, and enough to pull him up VERY short.

The other thing to think about is your happiness generally - is this the relationship that you want it to be? if not, he needs a massive wake up call that you are not going to sit back and let it all go tits up because he needs his ego boosting.

Original poster
Grounded03 · 25/04/2018 19:58

He's home tonight and I have tried to unlock his phone but the code didn't work. Not sure if I did it wrong or if he's changed it, didn't want to try too many times. Just tried again and it seems to be set on fingerprint mode now. Does anyone know if you can change it so it's just on fingerprint mode?

I know I sound slightly insane. He can tell something's up, has asked me a few times if anything is wrong.

I spoke to a RL friend today who is an old friend of his and she was disappointed in him but agreed that he could just talk his way out of it, and has probably convinces himself he's done nothing wrong so I shouldn't approach him yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grounded03 · 25/04/2018 20:17

Ha, the idea of surprising him/them on 3rd May is funny. I have no idea if they have planned to meet then, I have a feeling he might say last minute that he has to go to London.

I've been reading up on emotional affairs and I think that's definitely what it is, and that he is in complete denial about the seriousness of it.

He's fallen asleep on sofa and I am itching to check his phone or his computer. I can't carry on feeling like this though and I don't want to have to stay up late again to snoop. I can't believe it has come to this. I wish I could just not think about it and move on but I can't.

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 25/04/2018 20:41

you don't need concrete proof to leave him.....you already have enough grounds.

crimsonlake · 25/04/2018 20:41

What is the point in waiting to gather more evidence? You have already discovered what you need to know.

Okaynowimconfused · 25/04/2018 20:44

You might not find much more OP and until something happens you are going to keep torturing yourself with trying to find something you think is concrete enough.

What you already know is enough.

Original poster
Grounded03 · 25/04/2018 20:49

Do I though? I don't think anything physical has happened between them. He is going to say that they are just friends and that I am overreacting.

OP posts:
Okaynowimconfused · 25/04/2018 21:02

He is not telling you the full truth. He is purposefully hiding information from you. This is a betrayal of trust.

crimsonlake · 25/04/2018 21:04

You know you are in denial and are delaying the obvious. Not advising you either way but you know in your heart the trust has been lost. This is someone you can never trust again. He may say that of course, but then he would be trying to minimise it.

TheParisofPeople · 25/04/2018 21:12

If he's swapped it to fingerprint can you wait till he's proper asleep and then gently put his finger on the button to unlock it?

Original poster
Grounded03 · 25/04/2018 21:13

I know the trust has been broken. But how do people move on from these things? I don't know if I am ready to throw away a marriage. We have two young kids who adore their dad. We've just bought a house. Surely you try and work on things before throwing it all in straightaway?

I appreciate all your replies and that you are still reading, by the way.

OP posts:
magoria · 25/04/2018 21:24

You haven't thrown away your marriage.

He has.

He has decided it is not enough for him, he will lie to you and keep secrets. He has no respect for you, your marriage or how your DC will feel.

StarlightSparkle · 26/04/2018 03:32

Is it an iPhone? You can still use the passcode to access the phone so sounds like he’s changed it. That in itself is dodgy as fuck. Maybe he’s noticed you seem different and has realised you’ve been able to access it.

It’s hard to know what to advise. My H had an affair and it started similar to this, drinks as ‘friends’, but I was oblivious. Had I have known, and with hindsight, I’d tell him infidelity is an absolute deal breaker for me and if he’s up to something is he sure it’s worth risking his marriage for and breaking up his family, only seeing his kids every other weekend, etc.

He didn’t think it through at all or the potential consequences - they convince themselves they’ll never get found out.