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Original poster

Is this out of order?

134 replies

Grounded03 · 24/04/2018 10:14

Hi all,

Longtime lurker here and would really appreciate your point of view on this situation.

I've been feeling a bit stressed and wobbly about work and life recently, and about my marriage too. DH and I have been together for 15 years, 2 kids and have always had quite a fiery relationship - we are both argumentative and can be stubborn, and wind each other up at times. But I have huge respect and love for him too. We both work in stressful jobs and our sex life has been pretty non existent recently, which I tend to bring up every few weeks or so and get upset about but it feels like we're both stuck.

Whenever we argue, he can be very spiteful and I can be sulky and over emotional. My mind immediately springs to 'this is it, we'll have to end things', which is often an overreaction I think, but then at other times I wonder if my gut is trying to tell me something.

I went on his laptop at the weekend to finish an online shop and saw it was open on Facebook on this profile of a girl I know he is friends with - they studied together a couple of years ago and have stayed in touch I think. She once popped up as a suggested friend for me a while back. She is gorgeous and mid-20s, about 15 years younger than DH & me. Anyway, messenger was open on FB and it was an old thread saying thanks for lunch and cocktails etc, from back in July. I was a bit confused/jealous/pissed off but let it go and didn't mention it.

Fast forward to yesterday, DH says he's going to London today to possibly meet up with a work colleague about a new opportunity (I know this is true), do some shopping etc. I got a bit moody as I immediately thought I wonder if he is going to meet this girl. But he didn't mention he was at any point last night when he was talking about his plans.

This morning I checked his phone while he was in shower (something which I don't do, and which I am not proud of at all) and have seen that he texted her yesterday arranging to meet for lunch today. I played it cool and at breakfast with the kids again asked him what his plans were for the day. Again no mention of meeting her.

So he's gone off and I have gone to work and can't concentrate thinking about all of this. We've never been in this situation where I have been checking up on him or testing him. I know his version will be that he didn't want to tell me as he thought I'd be angry with him, and that they are just friends. He does have platonic girl friends, but I usually know them.

Would this be acceptable to you? I will ask him again tonight and see if he says anything. I think he might drop in casually that he saw her and make out it was just a last minute arrangement. But it just doesn't sit right to me, and I hate feeling like I can't trust him. If he still doesn't mention he met her then I think we have a real problem.

If you've made it to the end, thank you!

OP posts:
Adora10 · 26/04/2018 16:55

Oh dear, he showed you his phone, what, after he deleted any incriminating evidence.

He's took the piss out you twice now OP, lunch and cocktails with an attractive young lady 15 years his junior, two times you don't know about, there could easily be more; all hidden from you, if that's normal in your RL then carry on being deceived; also, you say no sexual intent, I'm afraid the only reason he did all this is because he loves the attention and having a young girl on his arm; what an absolute embarrassment I'd find him.

In fact he has invited her to come and meet me and the kids.

I would put money on this never happening.

OP, I am not saying he is a full on affair with this young lady but by god, he's trying his best.

Good luck, I think he will just hide it even better in future, perhaps if you actually gave him a consequence for all this, he's appreciate what he stands to lose.

dirtybadger · 26/04/2018 16:56

I would agree to meeting her. Not sure about the kids- unnecessary. But if its innocent and he obviously thinks she is a good laugh then I dont see why it cant be the three of you next time.

AnyFucker · 26/04/2018 17:00

Op: ask yourself this. Why lie if there is nothing to hide ?

Adayindisney67 · 26/04/2018 17:07

He lied! Top and bottom..
He's done a number on you!

crimsonlake · 26/04/2018 17:32

You came on here for advice but clearly do not want to take it and of course that is up to you. However much of the advice is from people who have been in your shoes and so you need to think long and hard about this.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 26/04/2018 17:44

OP, when you checked his phone, were those original texts still there?

If yes, ok, I'd soften my position, but want to have a very long discussion (amazing? WTAF).

If no. All hell would break lose.

grinandtonics · 26/04/2018 17:57

He has had his head turned.

He is a giddy schoolboy and YOU are spoiling his fun.

No matter, he's put you firmly in your place now so he'll be breathing a huge sigh of relief and being more careful next time he meets up with her . And he will, be of NO doubt about that.

grinandtonics · 26/04/2018 18:00

it's so utterly depressing sometimes.

No matter how many women who have been through this , tell the Op what is happening and how he will behave, they never EVER believe us.

It's no bloody wonder so many men behave as they do when they are , to put it bluntly, allowed to.

I've just asked my DH if he would ever EVER keep that secret form em and he said god no - just like any friend - why would it be a secret? The only secrets men keep involve their dicks.

He's right.

MrsMozart · 26/04/2018 18:29

I hope it all works out for you lass.

To keep yourself safe, just in case as none of us know what's around the corner, make sure all your ducks are in a row.

Onlyhavetwohands · 26/04/2018 19:13

Did you tell him you know he told her she was amazing?

StarlightSparkle · 26/04/2018 19:58

I’m sorry but many men who ‘don’t seem the type’ and ‘wouldn’t do that’ would in fact do just that if the opportunity arose and they could justify it to themselves. Sad but true, and I include my own H in that category.

My friends and family (and his) were shocked to the core about his affair because he seems so lovely and loyal and ‘not the type’. If I were you I’d be keeping a very close eye on him from now on.

DangerEgg · 26/04/2018 23:20

Not the type....sigh. They never are. Sad. Kepp your wits about you, instinct is rarely wrong.

Original poster
Grounded03 · 27/04/2018 08:28

I'm still here, still listening.

Things are not all hunky dory, I am not stupid. This has been a wake up call for both of us and the trust has been broken on both sides. It's been a wake up call for how bad things have got for both of us. I am going away for a couple of nights.

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 27/04/2018 09:28

I think OP the issue is that once you know they are actually capable of being a bit of a shit the blinkers are off and you don’t feel quite the same ever again, takes a lot to pull it back and they have to be very prepared to empathise why you feel that way.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/04/2018 09:59

she just didn't think he would meet a girl with sexual intentions
Of course not. No men ever do!??
This is what we all think.
Believe me and the hundreds of others on here who didn't think for a moment that their partner would ever cheat.
They hated it. They would never do it.
They have moral... blah blah blah.

Why is the trust broken on your side?
I hope he isn't blaming you for any of this.
If he is then you have even bigger problems than cheating.

AnyFucker · 27/04/2018 10:08

And again....we see women taking the blame for men's shit behaviour

"Trust broken on both sides" ? Do me a fucking favour.

Chippyway · 27/04/2018 10:12

Oh OP

Your husband lied about his where abouts, paid a £75 tab for drinks with another woman, the same woman skived off work to meet him etc. Text her telling her she’s amazing.

Yet you believe him?!

He’s got you exactly where he wants you. From now on, he’s going to know to be extra careful when it comes to hiding stuff.

Adora10 · 27/04/2018 10:15

Or, this could indeed be his wake up call, as long as the OP has made it crystal clear, one more strike and she's gone.

AnyFucker · 27/04/2018 10:25

I doubt it is his "wake up call" if he has manipulated op into thinking she deserves some of the blame in this situation

bluebell34567 · 27/04/2018 10:37

in 15 years your gut was telling something different about this one, trust it.
maybe he got another phone or be careful not to go further with her.
but i believe he was-they were on the brink of it.

bluebell34567 · 27/04/2018 10:37

btw you are definitely not paranoid.

grinandtonics · 27/04/2018 11:15

A few years ago I was suddenly single.

The sheer number of " happily married , not the type " men who came on to me, suggested no ties sex or who were sleazy and up front about their intentions, was a complete shock to me.
In my experience, MANY men would shag a woman if it was offered and they could get away with it.
There is no such thing as a type!!!!

StarlightSparkle · 27/04/2018 11:28

Agree you shouldn’t take the blame for ‘breaking trust.’

Your spidey senses kicked in after you completely innocently saw a message revealing he’d gone out for secret drinks with a young, attractive woman. You suspected he might meet her again and you were right. You were well within your rights to check up on him so don’t let him twist it round on you. If he hadn’t lied in the first place you wouldn’t have needed to look.

Adayindisney67 · 27/04/2018 12:32

I'm glad you are taking a few days out OP...

Please think long and hard about this and how much of a liar he really is. What was his excuse for mushy texts and paying her out and her pulling a sicky?

So many questions, don't let him brush them under the carpet and if he hadn't being lying, you wouldn't have had to snoop! You have broken nothing. He has ❤

We will be here as hard as it is for you remember that atleast.

Adayindisney67 · 27/04/2018 12:35

Just for the record, my partner has female friends/colleagues. None of which he would send those types of messages to. He certianly wouldn't take them out and he would always invite me.

It works both ways with us and that means we don't deal with all this lying deceit and jealousy. Because that is what eventually happens when people get too close. We have a mutual understanding and it makes us happy.