Why on earth do we stay with nasty abusive men?

[Oneday5]

.... I would like to know from anyone who had been in an abusive relationship, what do you think:

1. made you attracted to this man in the first place?

2. when you knew he was abusive why did you stay?

Why am I asking this?

Because I am from the outside world a smart woman but inside my home I have for the last few years been putting up with an emotionally and physically abusive man and I am annoyed with myself I didn’t do something about it earlier.

I would just like to share stories and support/ gain support from others in this situation.

x

NurseButtercup
Thanks for writing such a heartfelt post. This bit in particular resonates so much with me, I could have written it myself:

he was very very controlling and manipulative. He slowly chipped away at my confidence and managed to convince me that I was unreasonable and always wrong.

My husband always told me I was wrong and everybody else thinks I’m wrong!

I bet other ladies on here have been told this too x

My ex used to say the same Oneday. Would tell me not to talk about private things, he didn't want people to think badly of him. It wasn't until I started talking and saw the reactions of other people that I realised how shocked other people were by his behaviour. Keep talking there is a real power in it.

Totally agree

My husband has a very respected job too, he’s very clean cut looking so everyone things he’s a nice respectable man. He’s been telling them I’m nuts so I just feel so upset about that. He always told me you shouldn’t talk to people. Once he knew I’d confided in one close lady friend he turned up unannounced to her house to speak to her. He wanted to say how concerned he was very me and not to believe all I was saying. X

Do any of the other ladies here feel down that you stayed with such a nasty person for so long? How did you re gain your self worth? x

Therapy in my case Oneday. I had to unpick the reasons why I was attracted to abusive arseholes. I had to go all the way back and face the trauma of my childhood. It was not pleasant at all and there were times when I thought I really couldn't do it, but it was worth it because it enabled me to see clearly for the first time in my life, the self-destructive patterns of behaviour I was trapped in and stop them.

I wouldn't have my fantastic, wonderful DC if I hadn't been with ex-H, so some regrets but somehow they outweigh them. I do regret the two relationships I had after I divorced ex-H - one of them very much, as it was 7 years of awfulness.

However, after the therapy, I am in a much better place and in a relationship with a good man, who is capable of love, kindness and genuine reciprocity.

When he was nice he was very nice
Love
Great sexual chemistry
He owed me money
Loneliness
Low self esteem
Due to my disability I couldn’t work full time
Worried about losing my home

It had to get more abusive (emotionally) and start to affect my DC before I ended it

I now realise he had major MH issues, and actually feel sorry for him (we are still in touch) but couldn’t continue or go back, he has not had any successful relationships since

It's a work in progress for me Oneday. I feel very sad about the 6 years of my life that I lost and the parts of myself that I lost in that relationship. My self worth is slowly returning and I'm getting there with figuring out who I am and what I want from life. Therapy and friends help, so does time.

NC and all that.

1. what attracted you to this man?
   He was a 26yo fit older man. He was a bad boy but at the same time enormously successful with a highly paid/stable job (or so I thought).
   Whereas I was a 16yo teen mum who was vulnerable. I was set up/conditioned for him to prey on.

2. why did I stay?
   By the time i realised what he was, it was too late. I was already brainwashed. As well as thinking I loved him (I realise now i didnt love him, i loved the idea of being loved), and I was petrified of what would happen if I left.
   I stayed for 4 years, officially died twice and still bare the scars visable and invisable to this day (16 years later).
   I left via ambulance, my 'incubator' just left my dd at the house, alone for 2 days and then phoned social services and told them I'd abandoned her. My dd was put into foster care while I was in icu. I never went back, lost everything (inc my house). I eventually got my dd back after 3 years via court.
   I've only just in the last month moved from victim to survivor due to my Ex's constant stalking, but I got the bastard in the end and he is not getting out of prison alive, so I am finally free physically, although mentally he still has control but I'll get there.

Strength and hugs to every1 whose been there or still there.
x

SamarahNcer

Thanks so much for writing and I’m truly sorry what a terrible time you have with this disgusting man.

You will get there! We all will, and I just want to thank you again for sharing your story as I can feel your determination not to let him destroy you.

That’s what my husband is trying right now but I won’t let him get to me.

I second the strength and hugs for all who has been in such a terrible situation x

MargoLovebutter

Thanks so much for your reply. I think you are very brave and strong to go through therapy which brought up painful memories. But I’m pleased it has ultimately helped you unpick why you have been involved with these men.

My childhood was very loving by my family but I had a terrible time at school and was bullied throughout. I was told I looked like a pig and would often have people make pig noses up the street and stick there nose up. I never got over that horrible awful time and desperately wanted to find a boyfriend who found me attractive and worthy of being liked and loved. I met my husband who I confided in these childhood experiences only for him to then use them against me and basically use this against me, copying my childhood bullies behaviour.

He used to tell me I’m a pig, I stink and so many other terrible things.

I am glad you met a lovely man after some very unhappy times with awful men. I admire you for going through therapy.

To meet a “kind” man would be such a nice feeling!! x

PartTimeProcrastinator

Thanks so much for your message, I share your sorrow for wasting a few years of my life to such an awful person. Although I’m pleased you are regaining your self worth. I need to start doing this too.

As you mention time is a good healer x

1. he was hilarious and seemed like a real gentleman. He was a total charmer!
2. I kept telling myself that he'd go back to being the man he was. After a while, you become kind of numb to the abuse and it just becomes normal.

It wasn't until a couple of years after leaving that I looked back and realised what he'd actually put me through.

You're worth more than you will ever believe! You can have an amazing life but it won't be with him.

Wasted 7 years of my life with one. And I'm angry at myself for still grieving.

They promise you the earth and you think the first time it's a blip. Then you think it's a bad patch then you think it's you then you think he'll change then it's normal.

I'm an intelligent financially independent strong woman in all other aspects of my life.

With him I'm weak and pathetic.

This man is nasty a bully controlling. He's called me a fat cunt obese a dog lazy a shit Mum. He's poured a bottle of wine over my head whilst I was asleep thrown things at me pulled TVs off walls put holes in doors.

WTAF is wrong with me?

Any of my friends or family in this situation and I'd be at war with the fucker.

We've finally split up.

I'm angry. How do you recover?

I know the "liove" can't be real when I'm relieved both my wonderful parents are dead so they can't see what I've allowed to happen.

changedmynamex2

I am so sorry you feel so bad and in so much pain. I’m going through the same and I just want you to know I’m here for you.

I was called an ugly cunt, and a bad mum too! They resort to the lowest of the low.

I too am to the outside world an intelligent, articulate and reasonable looking woman. I get a lot of compliments in fact but from him I’m told in arguments I’m nothing.

Don’t let it be angry. Don’t let it wear you down!

You, I and all the other women are not worthless we just chose and stuck by a bully.

I too feel terrible that I’ve let my wonderful parents down. I’m sure they’d be very proud of you so please don’t feel so bad

My thoughts are with you x

Thank you @Oneday5 xx

Met my ex husband when I was 21. I was very vulnerable but didn't realise that at the time. Moved in together after two ish months. Mental abuse started quickly though it was subtle. Physical not long after. He broke my ribs, left carpet burns on my face, spat in my face, strangled me, headbutted me. I could go on and on. The thing for me was no one else was pulling him up on it. He kicked the shit out of me one night when we visited his mother and the next morning we sat down for breakfast and no one said anything about my face so it kind of normalised it.

I was living far from my family and didn't tell them about what was happening.

Initially I was attracted to him because he was very good looking. He had a great job, Architect and was living a good stable life.

I finally fucked him out when he smacked me in the face with a laptop and smacked my then 6 year old boy across the face.

One incident of abuse was reported in the local paper after he appeared in court and was also the topic of a discussion on BBC radio.

I'm free of him four years now and I'm now with the most amazing man and I couldn't be happier.

There is not really anything that anyone could have said to me to get me to leave. He was deep inside my head and I felt like I wouldn't be able to raise my children alone, pay the mortgage etc.

So far, soooooo good.

Myheartbelongsto
Thanks so much for sharing your story. Im so sorry you such a terrible time.
The word “normalising” struck a chord with me. I think we i began the believe my husbands behaviour was just normal for us and our relationship.
It’s just truly awful his family said nothing.
It’s so good to hear you have found a lovely man and the discussion on the BBC I’m sure helped other women to identify what they are experiencing. x

OP, I was like you and it took me a very long time to have the courage to get out. It took years, and I was trapped in denial that I didn't want to destroy the family, until I realised my children would be more damaged in than out of that situation. Even though it's been tough, and still is in many ways, I am happier than I have ever been and leaving was the best thing I've ever done - I am actually happy now and knowing I have created my new life all by myself makes it even better. You can do the same, you really can.

1. He swept me off my feet in a very cliched way. It all happened too fast, and I see that now. At the beginning, he was a pro at making me feel special, important, beautiful etc. He told me he loved me after a few weeks, talked about the future way too early in the relationship. Huge red flag but I was blind to it.

2. I stayed because I didn't realise it was abusive for many years because it was so subtle. But it got worse and worse until I just couldn't take it any more. I feel ashamed of this now but I genuinely didn't question his abuse until it became quite bad. He depleted my self esteem and building it back up again is the hardest part. I'm having extensive therapy to try to repair this damage.

Definitely, definitely do the Freedom Programme and call Women's Aid just for a chat if you need to talk out loud to someone - it helps.

1. He was good looking and that’s what made me attracted to him at first, we became friends and he seemed really nice. The kind of person I could talk for hours with and have deep conversations, unlike other guys.
2. I don’t think I truly admitted to myself that he was until I left. He’d make me feel bad like he had to do those things and act the way he did because of me. Looking back I wonder why I believed him. We had a child together and I didn’t want to take her away from her dad. It was just that one night where he did something so horrible I couldn’t take it anymore. I waited till he left for a few hours the next day, packed mine and DD’s things and left before I could change my mind

Zyxy

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement it means a lot to me and I’m sure to other ladies in this position.

I’m very pleased you are in a much happier life now and the abuse is behind you.

I am going to sign up to the freedom programme in my area x

Digestivescusturds

Thank you for your comments and I’m sorry you went through such a tough time but so pleased you had the strength to leave x

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

I grew up in a very abusive house hold where I watched my father beat my mother and it was normal to be called a bitch or a whore. I had no self esteem or sense of value.

I thought he was so wonderful, but he honestly was just a mind f**k.

1.He called me a pity friend and said that he only hung out with me and felt sorry for me. I went back.
2.My favorite uncle died. The things he said to me made me cry even more because he was the first person I told .I went back.
3.We were official but he asked another girl out on a date. I went back.

1. I said that I was suicidal. He commented only on my grades. That was the last time.

And he was the first boy that I fell in love with at the age 24, I'd never had any experience with boys before so I was rather naive.

When we first met he showered me with love and attention which was so exciting I fell in love with him.

The abuse started when I was pregnant with my first child and continued for years.

I didn’t leave because I loved him and convinced myself that lovely man would come back one day. I ddn’t leave because I didn’t have a job and would have been homeless with two children. My son had adhd and I simply could not manage him on my own. The abuse was initially months apart and I perfected selective amnesia and tried to make things work until the next rage. It got more frequent of course.

I tried for 10 years to understand him and made excuses for him, talked to him, reasoned with him. It just got worse. Eventually I lost all confidence, became confused, questioned myself, walked on eggshells, almost cracked up with despair.

Finally left. I hate him.

There seems to be a theme here with men that love bomb.

I have only just started telling my family and friends some of the things he said and did.

I realise how shameful it was and I didn't tell them because it would make it real.