Why on earth do we stay with nasty abusive men?

[Oneday5]

.... I would like to know from anyone who had been in an abusive relationship, what do you think:

1. made you attracted to this man in the first place?

2. when you knew he was abusive why did you stay?

Why am I asking this?

Because I am from the outside world a smart woman but inside my home I have for the last few years been putting up with an emotionally and physically abusive man and I am annoyed with myself I didn’t do something about it earlier.

I would just like to share stories and support/ gain support from others in this situation.

x

I was young and stupid. He was older and charming.

If I left everyone would say 'told you it wouldn't work out' altho no one knew about the abuse. I also hoped it would get better and didn't really want to admit it to myself.

1. made you attracted to this man in the first place? I was 17 and he was 23. Seemed grown up and sophisticated- like a proper man. Made me feel like a real adult.

2. when you knew he was abusive why did you stay? I was too scared to leave him. I had in my head that I would never dump someone like text and was too terrified to properly break up face to face. After he held my newborn son naked in his arms whilst frying sausages after taking him from me as I tried to leave with him to go to my mums as he was in a foul mood, I knew it was something I had to do- for my son. It was awful. He wa kicking off becuase he kept sneazing. I started packing and getting him changed and said I was going to stay at my mums. He told me to leave the baby with him. He was about 3 weeks old and fully breast fed (he hadn’t let us out of his site at that point) and I refused. He wrestled him from my arms and held him whilst he was frying with fat flying everywhere. I knew it was going to be a long road (8 years later it still is) and that he would use him to try to get to me (he does) and try to turn him again me (he tried that too) and now he isn’t allowed contact. I call him MY son as he doesn’t deserve to call him his.

cestlavielife- so true, they can be nice sometimes or at least that’s how they appear.
im going to be leaving and starting a new life for myself and my child x

This is some stuff about trauma bonding:
*Usually trauma bonds occur in relationships involving inconsistent reinforcement, such as those with addicts and alcoholics or in domestic violence situations. Dysfunctional marriages also cause trauma bonds because there is always a time when things seem to be “normal.” Other types of relationships involving trauma bonds include cult-like religious organizations, kidnapping and hostage situations, those involving child abuse or incest, and unhealthy work environments.

The environment necessary to create a trauma bond involves intensity, complexity, inconsistency, and a promise. Victims stay because they are holding on to that elusive “promise” or hope. There is always manipulation involved. Victims are prey to the manipulation because they are willing to tolerate anything for the payoff, which is that elusive promise and ever present hope for fulfillment of some deeply personal need within the victim.

So often, those in a traumatic relationship are “looking right at it, but can’t see it.” Only after time away from the unhealthy attachment can a person begin to see the destruction it caused. In essence, people need to “detox” from trauma bonds by breaking them and staying away from the relationship.*

This is why I stayed, there was no other “logical” reason. He broke me then discarded me for his next victim (classic narcissist). Over it now but this helped me to understand why I put up with it.

Where to start, He was lovely, charming, we could chat for hours, we had lots in common.
I couldn't leave because of many reasons all equally as vile but 2 are he threatened to commit suicide if I tried to leave.
He threatened to harm himself seriously many times and tell everyone I had done it so he'd get full custody of the kids and I'd be in prison. It took ages to put plans in place to get away and have enough evidence of what a psychopath he was. Initially everyone 'the legal system' believed his facade and he managed to hide key evidence but eventually he got caught up in his own lies and we are completely free of him.

Aww, thanks Oneday, you’re lovely

For me, asking that question is a bit like asking why do people keep using heroin even though they know it’s not good for them! The highs become addictive and lows coupled with the trauma bonding that occurs keeps you desperate for another high.

Abusers aren’t like that all the time, they are charming and attentive, especially in the beginning. After an abusive episode they will apologise, and be full or remorse, generally on their best behaviour to the point where it would seem churlish to leave them now

There’s also a sunk costs thing, so you’re always chasing the new improved version of him. You don’t want to let him go and then have him see the error of his ways with someone else. If only he could change in those moments he’d be just perfect.

With emotional abuse they can make you feel unlovable, or that only they can see your true potential, because you’re soulmates. Nobody else will ever love you like they do. If you hear it enough, you start to believe it.

At the beginning he was good looking and fairly charming. He was a bit of a bad boy and seemed exciting. The abuse happened slowly at first, I was very young and he began his control of me. I didn’t realise it was happening. By the time he was hitting me and sexually abusing me including rape I was so controlled. He abused me in every category of abuse there is. By the time the marriage was over I had to find out who I was all over again. I didn’t know what my opinions were as I had always agreed with him. Then I got with another one! His abuse was not as bad and took a few years to begin. I stayed with him because I felt I had nowhere to go and familiarity. He was an alcoholic and when sober he was great but in the final years of our relationship he was rarely sober. I am now with a brilliant man. A normal relationship has been difficult for me to deal with!

Loads of good points here.

1. made you attracted to this man in the first place? I was old enough to know better. The bit I hate to admit to is that I was afraid I wouldn't get any other offers, and I wanted a relationship and a child. Apart from that, he was so exciting and fun to be with. He had very strong political commitments (imagine someone being a passionate environmental activist, challenging drilling in the Arctic , although not exactly that) and I thought he was very brave, going head-to-head against some difficult opponents. I thought he was a Wounded Hero, which has a very strong pull for me. Also, sexual attraction. And I'd never actually been mistreated before - I didn't understand the dynamic until too late.

2. when you knew he was abusive why did you stay?
   I thought I could love him out of it. If I could just explain in the right way, he'd understand it and stop behaving like that. I felt pity because I could see the legacy of his own childhood. I wanted my dd to grow up in an intact family. I was scared about how I'd manage. I was scared of what he would do if I took his dd away. I didn't want to admit I was wrong.

1. He was so attractive, attentive, gentle, responsible and intelligent.He appeared to adore me.At our wedding he made such a moving speech about me that it stunned my family & friends.

Even then my gut was trying to tell me something as I didn't feel his adoration, despite his words.He is however highly manipulative and deceptive.This is what no one warned me about growing up and I feel young women need to know a fair % of people exist who are like this. I thought I would recognise an abusive man since I was early 30s when we met.

I now realise his speech and behaviour around my family was all for outward show.It made him look great.

1. I stayed because emotional abuse is om a continumum.You don't leave a marriage with children when a partner makes a one off remark or is sulky or moody.You initially try to understand if there is stress or an underlying reason so time moves on and the behaviour grows. I thought at one stage ex's anger was reacting to medication.

Of course he was nice at times so you think, "ah, it's has got better, now it will be ok"

It is only when you get a wake up, perhaps a particular nasty incident when the penny drops.For me it was when I had a visceral reaction and I knew it was fear.Even then I hoped he would "get it" but when he refused to acknowledge my concerns it was game over.

I don't feel guilt over staying as I know I did the best I could and have no regrets.I also no longer blame myself since I truly believe he set out to deceive me.

1. Both times the man was funny, very into me, a real character, interested in my life and unique

1. 1st time scared for my life and 2nd time deluded thoughts I could change him, only focusing on the good and not the bad, wanting to be a part of a real family, minimizing

1. made you attracted to this man in the first place? Pure lust and that he was good fun, in the good times. He was also a high achiever, looked great & appeared to be the whole package. That was on the outside. What I didn't realise was that because I was abused as a child, I subconsciously sought out partners who would also be abusive, as that was my comfort zone.

2. when you knew he was abusive why did you stay? It took me years to really twig & by that stage we were married. I believe in marriage and also had long experience of being abused, so I just sucked it all up, because I didn't know how to do anything else. Eventually, he had an affair & I was able to legitimately leave him. Years of therapy later & I can see how all the significant relationships in my life were horribly abusive. Not any more though!

1. With hindsight there were signs from around four months in but I didn't have MN then so thought it was me not trying hard enough but it really kicked off about two years in when I was pregnant with out first child.

1. I didn't leave because I had given up my job to be a SAHM, my flat to move in with him. I would have been pregnant and penniless. Also I thought it was me and that if I could just try hard enough I could get back to the amazing man I first met. I thought I had made him like he was.

Finding MN literally saved me. The horror from posters at what I was going through was like having a bucket of cold water thrown in my face. I moan about this place a bit but it's a most valuable resource for women in abusive relationships.

Thankyou everyone for writing such heart felt, open and honest stories. I identify sadly with a lot of what is written. I hope you all find or have already found better men. I hope one day I do too x

1. Everyone liked him. He was popular and funny and charming (it seemed). Straight away it was different behind closed doors. I used to think it was my fault because he'd tell me 'im not like this with other people, only you make me this angry'. Now I realise that this is worse! He can CHOOSE to control it in public but does not have the same respect for me privately.

1. I honestly don't know. I look back now I'm out of it and want to shake my old self silly. There was no joy in my life then. Perhaps it was the familiarity of it all that scared me into staying.

You will find someone better. It's easier to read forums like this and think Jesus Christ there are no decent men in the world! But trust me there are. I'm now with the absolute love of my life who treats me better than I ever thought I deserved and I try to do the same for him. We've gone through our own rough patch recently (nothing to do with our relationship but pregnancy loss unfortunately) and he's honestly been my rock. I couldn't have coped without him.

My ex would have found some way of working it into his abuse. They have no logic or empathy they only see their feelings and their needs.

I hope you find what you deserve xx

1, I'd been a single mum for a few years, by choice & was waiting to meet a decent man, I was lonely. He was successful, funny, charming, wanted to settle and marry. He rushed the relationship, which I now recognise as the fast forward tactic many abusers use.

2, Three months into the relationship, we had been out on his xmas works do, all good, I noticed he seemed perturbed as his female staff really took to me and we were having a laugh, everyone else decided to go for more drinks after the meal. I wanted to go, he didn't, he playfully pushed me into a large plant pot, so my dress got dirty, I was pissed off as I'd got really dressed up. Came home and we started drinking. Woke up the next morning, very hazy, he said I'd attacked him and ripped the buttons on his shirt, I know myself and don't attack people drunk or not, as my memory came back, I had asked him to leave and ended the relationship over the plant pot incident, I remembered he had violently pushed me on the sofa, as he had done so I had grabbed his shirt whilst falling back.

3, I stayed as it was all ambiguous abuse, pushing, lectures, harsh play fighting, gas lighting, lies, he was supposed to be working on my birthday, I went out to find him at the pub surround by females, I was upset that he knew I wanted to go out and could do that for others but not for me he told everyone I was irrationally jealous, and then threw himself on me and punched me in the face with my own hands. Then while after, punched me in the face for commenting on a face full of make up on his shirt when he came home. I ended it then, he stalked me, my mum, my neighbours for months but thank god he met someone else in the end. Told everyone he'd hit me for cheating which seemed acceptable to quite a few people! I've stayed single for 3 years now and worked on myself.

Apologies re spelling and grammer!

I’m so sorry ScaryMary, he sounds so awful. I hope you are now in a much happier place x

I’m so sorry for your loss Mangopr1.
I could honestly say some of the things you write, could have been written by myself. In particular:

“There was no joy in my life then. Perhaps it was the familiarity of it all that scared me into staying.”

I know our relationship is unhappy, his behaviour has been terrible, yet I’m scared of the unfamiliar and of the future.

“I’m not like this with other people, only you make me this angry”

Very much like my husband. He has always claimed how popular and well liked he is with everyone, work colleagues, mates, ex’s and that I have no one/ no friends etc. He also says it’s only me that makes him angry and if he thinks I’m doing something wrong, “nobody else” would. X

1. He was totally charming, thoughtful, considerate and I fell in lov with him. But that was rather act to reel me in. Really he was selfish, cruel, dishonest, manipulative and violent. I just was not exposed to the real person for almost 18 months

2, I kept believing it would get better. I listened to words rather than looked at actions. I believed him rather than my instincts. I was isolated, marginalised degraded humiliated and lost all my confidence and self esteem, I could see no way out ....

1. He was very adoring, made me feel loved and special. He was handsome, like he was the football captain in love with awkward me. Actually he was an alcoholic who kept his darker side hidden. I guess early on it was his temper but he made me think it was different personality types and he calmed down quickly. Those should have been alarm bells, and he aggression in his personality which he hid well from others.

1. I thought every relationship had its ups and downs and that he just had a temper and I calmed him down. Later I became scared of being around him in case he snapped. Life was just getting up, kids, going to sleep. However eventually after one massive irrational drunken temper tantrum where it was one abusive comment after another, I realised the children would one day see this and think it was ok. When it wasn’t. We split, I’m so much happier though it’s lonely at times. But I don’t have to wake up scared anymore. And the kids have a better chance at a peaceful life than they would ever have had.

Eesha- how brave you were to leave this nasty man. I share your story regarding being with the “football captain” type and that I felt lucky to be with him. It almost made me think, you should put up with this bad behaviour you’ll never get someone like him again. Ridiculously stupid of me I know, with hindsight I was a fool.

I am pleased to hear you’re doing ok, you defiantly did the the right thing and best thing for your children. I am sorry it’s lonely though, I fear that too although life with him became lonely, only with nasty episodes on top!

X

Oneday I know how that feels. I got on with his family so well. We lived with them for a long time and I was upset about leaving them more than him!

I think facing the unknown is a massive reason why people leave. It's easy to say once your out of it but pulling up your life and opening a door to something completely unknown is scary stuff! I wish I'd done it sooner though!

For me now I realise his control around other people just makes the abuse worse. It means he has zero respect for you unlike the rest of the outside world.

I really hope you get yourself free of this awful situation. It's soul and confidence destroying shit!

Xx

Thanks so much. Your comments help me so much. Thanks for taking time to write today xx

This exactly :when you knew he was abusive why did you stay?
I thought I could love him out of it. If I could just explain in the right way, he'd understand it and stop behaving like that. I felt pity because I could see the legacy of his own childhood. I wanted my dd to grow up in an intact family. I was scared about how I'd manage. I was scared of what he would do if I took his dd away. I didn't want to admit I was wrong.

But hearing his abuse coming out of my ds mouth gave me the courage to act.