Why on earth do we stay with nasty abusive men?

[Oneday5]

.... I would like to know from anyone who had been in an abusive relationship, what do you think:

1. made you attracted to this man in the first place?

2. when you knew he was abusive why did you stay?

Why am I asking this?

Because I am from the outside world a smart woman but inside my home I have for the last few years been putting up with an emotionally and physically abusive man and I am annoyed with myself I didn’t do something about it earlier.

I would just like to share stories and support/ gain support from others in this situation.

x

I got together with my ex husband because he was the first person who had ever shown me any attention (I was 22). He was also ok looking, funny, quite energetic and enthusiastic about life. Obviously he wasn’t abusive at the start. He also gave me the opportunity to move out of my parents’, and I certainly grabbed that chance with both hands.

I stayed because he said he’d commit suicide if I left, said he’d take the children and I wondered if he would kill both himself and the children to teach me a lesson (this does happen). I also had nothing - he’d “confiscated” my earnings, bank cards, passport, computer, phone, car keys etc for 5 years.

Also there was literally not one second when he wasn’t with me so I couldn’t sneak away - he wouldn’t even let me out of the room he was in at times. He gave up work and sat outside my work watching me through the window and phoning incessantly. Technically, I could have left, but I wasn’t leaving without my children.

Also - I had nowhere to go. I didn’t think a women’s refuge would take us as he he wasn’t very violent. They did - and said he was the most psychologically and financially abusive partner they had had dealings with. We lived there for a month or so.

I also thought I’d lose the house and it was terrifying having such an uncertain future.

So harrowing to hear such stories.

I wonder what the common theme is with these abusive men? What causes some men to act abusively and others not.
This might help other women.

Ex had a highly abusive but middleclass childhood.His parents were very controlling and his mum was phyiscally abusive.
Due to outward respectability he learnt to have a false self, an image he perfected.

He had therapy prior to meeting me so I assumed all childhood trauma was resolved but as I learned his therapy was self indulgent and didn't cause him to self reflect.

Mine:

1. made you attracted to this man in the first place?
   He was lovely, funny, kind, accepted me/my beliefs (I'm Asian and fairly religious), he LIKED me - never had a guy like me back etc before.

2. when you knew he was abusive why did you stay?
   It never started with a smack, I moved in with him, he would push me/drag me and I'd argue - tell him he was being abusive...he would brush it off - it can't be abuse because he's not hitting me. He on many occasions tried to imply that I was over sensitive because of what happened to a family member (she suffered DV and ended in the worst way). It eventually escalated over the years to hitting me, then apologising, crying, telling me he was sorry and that he'd get help. He never did though.

I stayed for many reasons, I didn't have the finances to survive on my own and didn't want to move back to my parents house. I'd gone through hell choosing him over my family (dad was not happy with my choice of guy and kind of disowned me), for a long time I questioned what I knew was true - after all I'd never had a relationship before, my parents had an abusive relationship (no violence but a lot of EA). I didn't want to believe I'd picked the wrong guy after all of this. The violence was few and far between, but the EA was there, made me feel small, intimidated me, made me feel bad about myself.

I'm in the process of divorcing him, he still can't believe it, still can't take responsibility that it is because of him and his actions that we are divorcing. I do believe he sees it as two events - what he did and then having counselling, so I am being unreasonable in not giving him a chance. He doesn't realise that the fact I stayed with him every single time meant I gave him many, many chances.

I am in a better position financially to stand on my own two feet, this is why I am leaving now. I am so thankful we couldn't have kids...I used to pray every time I felt threatened/scared of him (which I told him) that we wouldn't be able to have kids...I couldn't bring kids into an environment like what we had.

It took me a while to give myself permission to leave, to not have to do what HE wants (I always put everyone else's happiness/needs before my own...I usually was punished/belittled when expressing my own wants/needs). I still feel like he is punishing me because I'm not rolling over like I used to.

I worry I won't find anyone again, I was rubbish at dating before I met him, I see that happening again. Tbh though, I just need to get out and away from him (we are still living together as can't afford to leave). The more I stay with him, the more I hate him.

lifebegins50- interesting point, my husband had a bad relationship with his father from childhood and still to this day. Lots of shouting in the house, but not sure if physical. I think this must have had a strong impact on my husband but doesn’t excuse his actions x

iwantanewusername

Your message has really upset me as I can feel your pain from reading it and identify a lot with what you have said. I’m going to have to go through a divorce now too so all that pain is yet to come. Just wish you strength and courage over the next few months and please believe in yourself and your own self worth! (I need to do this too) x

lifebegins50 - your words really resonate with me, very helpful to read...

In terms of reasons why, my ex had a terrible relationship with his mum, and his dad turned a blind eye to her behaviour. I dont anticipate ever being in a relationship again given how low i felt with my ex and not wanting to risk it. HOWEVER, the advice id give everyone is keep an eye on the relationship with the family. That phrase about how he treats your mum is how he will treat you, i wish id listened. All my ex's siblings are messed up in one way or another, with anger or addiction issues. I genuinely believe it was down to her. Even though my family were decent and loving and i gave him the peace he actually said he wanted, his anger as a result of his family made him into the self destructive person he is today and i couldnt live with that.

Look up codependency. It’s fascinating.
We’re attracted to what is familiar to us.

Sorry oneday that wasn't my intention!

I know I haven't dealt with it all fully, I can't heal or move on until I am away from him. Especially when he is still being a shit and thinks that we are getting along fine at the moment. We are getting along because I keep my mouth shut and don't rise to his bollocks.

I am angry at him, I loved him, I gave him everything and he never respected me, I realise nothing I do would be enough, he's too busy projecting his shit on to me. Even now, I still get the shitty comments etc. I just want to get out so I say nothing. I am angry because I still feel impotent, that I can't/won't say anything. Deep down I know saying it won't make a difference really, he'll just go on the attack to defend himself/his feelings.

Telling my parents was hard, especially after all that I had put them through, but I know they are relieved, that I am not staying, that I will survive this and move on. I just can't wait to have my own place and not have to think about him.

I hope that once I'm away from him I'll be able to think better about myself and all of that jazz, right now though I am not living, just surviving each day.

Wish you all the luck too oneday if you ever want to chat, please PM me. It all sucks, what has really helped me is being able to vent at friends/colleagues about how much of a dick STBXH is being.

1. he was kind, caring and honest

2. didn't notice at first. Started mentally, name calling in arguements. Words got worse (told me no one loved me, even my mother left me). It progressed to control, arguements if I did/didn't do something.

Led to threatening while arguing and blaming. Ended up physical violence and me being blamed for him doing it. It literally creeped up to the point I didn't realise it was so bad.

Oneday5
Best of luck on your journey I put it off for so long because I couldn't face it. Still in the process but with light at the end of the tunnel. Message me if you would like to.

Ah thank-you Sally2791
I am glad you sound you are making good progress in your situation.
I totally agree with you though, I’m so scared at how horrible dealing with him through custody of my child/divorce I’ve put off leaving properly(although made several attempts)
Good luck to you too and thanks for being so kind to message.

Each message gives me strength and determination to carry on! Thank you x

Really glad you have friends/work colleagues to chat to *iwantanewusername. Talking is so important and I kept things quiet for so long! I am just surviving too and you will feel like you have a life again, we both will. You deserve to be respected.
Thanks again x

8FencingWire- I looked up codependency and I can certainly identify with a lot of the traits. Anyone else?
Thanks for sharing this x

Struck a massive chord with you saying Woshambo,

Ended up physical violence and me being blamed for him doing it.

I had the same experience, how terrible it is that we are not only subjected to physical violence but blamed for it too!

I’m so sorry you had to go through that and I hope your life now is much better x

1, lots in common and turned his charm dial up to the max for a good few months
2, beauty and the beast effect... if I live this emotionally damaged man enough he will emerge the prince hidden inside , the prince I fell for at the start. Yes he might smash the place up, rough me up and shout and scream or even be manipulative and controlling but you ride that storm because the eye is so beautiful and perfect (and sometimes lasts for days!) because you hope it's not the eye of the storm, but the paradise that was lost in the whirlwind.

Frith1975- your story is so so sad and I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through such a terrible time. How is your life now? Really hope you are through it all.

I had the same thing where my husband would frighten me with saying he would have my child but I could leave. There is no way I would ever leave without my child! They scare you into trying to make it work. I was breast feeding at the time and he said he could start bottle feeding.

He would say it all belonged to him And at one point to get off my own bed and sleep on the floor.

Hope your life is so much better now x

NutCase82 Totally agree it’s like living in a storm, Highs and lows, up and down and never feeling settled!

Hope you are no longer with this man! x

How do you vote for a thread to go into Classics? After three years of introspection and reading, I thought I understood the 'why' of what happened to me and been able to forgive myself. But there is so much insight in this thread and so many things I've never realised. I'd like the thread to be always available for both me and others! Thanks one day. (Three years free and my life is great btw)

I think some people but particularly men have poor life coping skills, so whilst it’s the honeymoon stage and plenty of going out, sex etc , all is hunky dory , as soon as practical and not so pleasant stuff kicks in then they cant keep up the pretend ‘nice’

Ah thanks RosaRosaRose

What has really occurred to me having read through all the ladies posts on here is not only how harrowing and upsetting our stories all are but also how intelligent, compassionate and articulate we are too!

I wanted to question why and how I’d put myself into this position. It is clear I’m not alone in my thinking and I’d like to gain support, plus give support to others in a similar position.

I have spent a long time (and in fact still do) cover up and keep these issues behind closed doors. There should be more platforms which enable us to support each other.

At the moment in particular my situation is very raw (embarking on divorce/ child custody) with a man who I know and fear will be making it as diffficult as he can do,

I will look into putting this thread into Classics as I hope we can continue to share our story in the hope of helping ourselves and others!

I’m so pleased you are much happier now. Well done! x

Oneday5, if it helps my situation is sooooooooo much better now.

My divorce was fairly horrific but I got there in the end. ex-H is a total narcissist, so he was as belligerent & difficult as he possibly could be but I let my lawyer get on with it.

My DC are nearly grown up now & they see him for the massive arse that he is. They have a tolerable but not close relationship with him.

I had therapy! It was excruciatingly painful but it did wake me up to the patterns of behaviour I had fallen into because of my past. I'm not or was never co-dependent but I had a very damaging childhood and that set me on a path of awful adult relationships. However, I have changed, am probably still changing & I can identify my feelings and behaviour better and deal with things & people in VERY different ways. I have a relationship now with someone who is a good person and who is genuinely capable of love.

Thanks for your message MargoLovebutter
It certainly does help!
To know there is light at the end of the tunnel gives me hope.

I’m very glad you are in a much better situation now x

one day
Typing this from a small phone, so forgive the lack of fluency!
I've been married three times. Each one more controlling than the previous one.
First marriage at 19.

At 59 I ended up in a refuge, with all the support I needed to get my life in order and back to a stronger, more able version of that first self.
That refuge has just closed.
Another reason for some of us to take up the fight to enable women to leave coersive and abusive relationships.
In the end, a secret mumsnet account helped me see that what was happening to me was not 'normal'
I've learned a great deal from this thread and I thought I'd found the answers.
Fwiw I also did the horrendous divorce. For 2.5 years, me, him, children all under the same roof, court, and him fighting me every step of the way. It can be done.
Then I went on to a bigger and better version.
10 years later, refuge.
13 years later, repaired and loving my life.
Have been getting the message out there in my own small way and totally onboard to support if I can.

He was charismatic, good looking and funny at a time when other people had been and were being far more abusive. By the time he changed it was too late to just walk away. Even years later, he simply doesn't understand that the world doesn't revolve around him and his needs.