-
made you attracted to this man in the first place?
First time in love, had been single for years, he was fun and different, and I desperately wanted a relationship and to start a family. I didn’t think I would meet anyone else I think through low self esteem and body issues. I’ve always felt that men who were keen must be somehow ‘below’ (sounds horrible, but I can’t think what the word I need is) me that they were no good, so I guess I inevitably ended up with someone who wasn’t that bothered about me. He was so certain of everything whereas I am filled with doubt. He took things fast as other people have said, it was a whirlwind, and at 30 I so wanted to believe it all, and ignored my doubts. He had a tough childhood and I was attracted to the thought that he could be a better person with my support and love. Being ‘better’ (again awful word, but I can’t think what else to use, maybe nicer?) than his ex was also appealing, he told me how horrible she was and I worked hard to not be like her in anyway – probably the first way he controlled me. I thought his apparent lack of empathy was macho posturing – I now realise that he genuinely lacks empathy. He constantly criticised me, undermined me and convinced me I was always wrong. He chipped away at my self-belief, gas lighted me and did his best to damage and undermine my relationships with my family and friends. He pressurised me into sex that I didn’t want, at times that I didn’t want and blamed me when this was painful (there must be something wrong with me), or I wasn’t confident enough in his eyes. He demanded I open up to him, then ridiculed me for what I told him. He gave compliments that came with either an implied or explicit criticism – never an actual compliment (eg that dress looks good on you, much better that what you normally wear/the other dress shows your tummy fat too much). He claimed I had memory problems when I had different recollections of conversations that we’d had.
-
when you knew he was abusive why did you stay?
It took a frighteningly long time to realise that he was abusive (there was no physical abuse until I ended things, it was all emotional abuse and coercive control). It was my only serious relationship and I thought some of it was ‘normal’ and part of the ups and downs of ‘real’ grown up relationships. I realised that he was difficult and I put that down to his childhood and his ex, and I thought that I was an easy going enough person to be with him, that I was a person who was kind enough – I sort of congratulated myself on it. I thought that as an easy going person that it was my lot to end up with a more difficult person. I was also ashamed to fail, to admit that I had made a mistake, I tried to cover up the difficulties and distanced myself from friends and family as a way to hide it. He made me believe that it was my fault, that I should have stood up to him sooner, that I’d led us down this road, that I didn’t express myself right, so how could he know?
I went back to him several times because I thought that I could be better, that we could start afresh, and that I could be flexible enough to let him have his way and therefore be happy, and that if he was happy we would all be happy. I realise now that I can’t make him happy, that I could never give enough, and that I can’t fix him. That his lack of respect for me, for women in general, and probably for all people who aren’t him isn’t ever going to change and that is ultimately his problem and will always be. Also that he is total git, who is possibly a sociopath.
Like onlymeeeee, hearing his abuse coming from my DD’s mouth made me finally realise that I couldn’t protect my children from him by allowing myself to be his (metaphorical) punchbag and that the relationship we had was not good for my children – I had already realised that it wasn’t good for me, but thought that being together for our children, and keeping him close was the best option (I had left him several times in the past but thought that life with him as an enemy was so much harder than life with him where he thought he was in control). I stupidly thought that by letting him think he was in control, I was in control, but actually I was just letting him continue to abuse, bully, control and damage me.
I can’t remember which other poster said this, but I also ignored the advice which I think everyone should hear - that you should look to how someone treats their mother, and sisters and ex’s. I ignored all the warning signs.
I also think kindness is the most important quality in a partner, and I totally ignored that in my rush to have a relationship and to have a family.
I am now going to counselling and reading this back I can see that some of this was self-inflicted and that I don’t know how to be in a ‘good relationship’, that I ignored warning signs, and that I arrogantly thought I could be 'good' enough for the both of us. I sound awful and needy and ridiculous, it is truly shaming. In real life and in my relationships with friends and family I am a completely different person, confident, intelligent, independant, and I think that made it difficult to admit, and for anyone else to see. I hope that counselling can help me come to terms with it all and perhaps one day I might even have a functioning relationship with a man, though I can't imagine it now.
It has been therapeutic writing this and reading the stories of others. I hope this thread gives others the strength to get out of abusive relationships. And to see that even if they aren’t perfect themselves, or have made some stupid decisions which have got them to where they are (or think that they have - I am not blaming victims of abuse, but know that I feel that I am to blame, and am perhaps unworthy of anything better and so might others), that there is a way to get out of a bad relationship, and that you will be better when you do. Get help from wherever you can, make a plan and leave.