In your 50s and lost your way anyone?

[DoinItForTheKids]

Don't know whether this is the right place to post this - there doesn't appear to be an obvious section for sad 51 year old women so I'm going in the 'relationships: with yourself' direction on here and hope it's ok here.

I don't know if anyone watched the programme with Susannah Constantine, Les Dennis, Tameka Empson and Miles Jupp all getting fit? Susannah and Trinny used to help women who'd 'lost their way' on their TV programme (used to love that!) and they'd often have some lady in her 50s who'd gone astray and I used to think "god how pathetic (ha!! karma), I'll never do that". And Susannah herself said that she knew how to help other women but she couldn't help herself (which doesn't fill me with hope!!).

I seem to have arrived at a point where I just look like a sack of shit and yet, I can't stop eating constantly in the evenings - I honestly don't know what to do, I've no interest in exercising. No, that's not true, I am interested, but I just cannot get motivated to do it. I used to run but I don't know whether it's menopause or not but got fed up with my x2 a week 5 k runs because I never ever get the endorphin hit any more, it just doesn't happen! I used to go to Parkrun which on the one hand I loved, but it was just another exercise in being on my own and I stopped going.

I've got things to do in the house which I've now saved up for most of them, and yet I'm in stasis - I could have organised an electrician weeks ago but I seem like a rabbit caught in the headlights, I can't seem to get going.

I just don't know whether to focus on me, my job/career, the house, the garden.

I just do not know how to move forward or what to move forward with - idiotic isn't it! I'm generally totally fed up with myself. My hopes seem to rest on winning the lottery and being able to get a face lift, tummy tuck and liposuction - that would make me happy and get me going. But since that's not going to happen....

Good point Notanother - though I rather stupidly gave mine to my niece because I thought I was getting too old for it. Maybe I need another one!

BestisWest - I think it can be really tough being the only woman in the room, day in day out. I also have that issue - but with family, not work. Whenever we go out as a big group it's just a huge table full of uncles, grandads, sons and me. I feel invisible and also, subtly feel that the way I see the world is dismissed. I really hope that doesn't happen with you at work. Stay visible. I find a certain type of man (my ex boss0 just has no idea how to work with women he doesn't fancy. he is sweet and funny to the tiny, young things but with me he barely even addressed me by name. He'd toss work at me and say: she'll do this. Luckily the rest of the team were fantastic.

Brilliant thread. I'm 53. Overweight and no willpower to shift it (and it seems so much harder at this age). Anyone got any tips on the best way without going to Weight Watchers or Slimming World? I run with a group with gets me out twice a week (but just slowly and short distances). I have teenage children who have no respect for me and the home and I don't seem to have any relevance in their lives anymore. Divorced six years ago after H's affair so had to move to a smaller house which I just don't love. Clothes shopping seems so hard - where do women shop in their 50s? Plus I'm 5 ft tall and not in brilliant shape so not sure what suits me anymore.

I'm sick of wearing apologetic invisible clothes but also don't want to turn into one of those mad fuschia ladies. Just had a browse to see the new styles for 2018 and they all look so hot. Long sleeves, jeans under dresses, big jackets on top. Melting just thinking about them.
My two most stylish friends buy all their clothes online. One is tiny (5ft)and a little bit plump and the other is tall and willowy. They both wear long floaty dresses all the time and look great in them so maybe that's a start. I just ordered a lovely maxi dress online. Will see whether it fits.

I too have been flirting with the idea of getting a biker jacket as well!

Yes Mina to not joining the mad fuscia ladies, I know what you mean.

I'm 5' 1" and buy 99% of my clothes online. It's a mixture of a bit of eBay - sometimes I can find just the right dress for work for under £15. I shop on everything5pounds a fair bit - there are brilliant gems on there surrounded by shed loads of tat, but the value is incredible (I think, I know some people think its pants).

I have also in recent years bought from H&M who do good blazers and I think I bought something like 4 maxi dresses in various materials and colours from grey, black, lightgrey and a black blazer really smart for work and the whole lot was £70.

Also the odd dress from Next as well, their work stuff is still, on the whole, pretty good and with petite options.

What I've been struggling with is me feet! They're mashed essentially. Broke a big toe joint about 20 years ago and that's revolting against being shoved into any type of sexy platform shoe, I've got a tailor's bunion on my left foot and a flirt with ingrown toenails on both big toes that I have to keep massively on top of. Then there's the toenail fungus (I really am just a walking talking (to myself mostly) festering 50 year old petri dish of assorted bacteria and fungi!!). Mysteriously after a battle of over 2.5 years I think at this point, the toenail fungus (and constantly bleeding gums) have both virtually gone since starting HRT. So anyone else with the worry of all their teeth falling out who are not yet on HRT, maybe this is an unexpected positive benefit of HRT? I'll take what I can get.

On a casual basis I'll do midi dress with denim jacket if not too much of a hot day and white converse - that's my go to for a lot of things but, sadly, there's then the effort of reining in my stomach muscles for more than 5 minutes which is absolutely exhausting!

Fedup I've got two lovely teens but at the same time they do bugger all around the house and I want especially with the 18 year old who refuses to get a job, to make him especially do more. Why do I feel hesitant about it?! He's sitting on his ass playing PlayStation all day, not working AND skipping college (the little sod). I need to grow a pair really I do.

Sun's gone today (I'm sorry everyone, it's entirely my fault, I put fake tan on last night so, was bound to happen!).

Keep smiling, though. I did 5 push-ups and 10 squats this morning. I'm going to do a few more throughout the day and get onto the 100 squats / 100 push ups a day thing, see how I get on although not sure if dropping and giving 20 in the office would be viewed!!

LOL - do it anyway. If they don't like it, wave your lethal hooves in their faces. The benefits of age - being scary and not caring.

Lethal hooves!!!!!!! I love it.

And also on clothes - where NOT to go. Dungarees. Was aiming for Meryl Streep in Mamma Mia and got Granpaw Walton. —but I still wear them sometimes—

Another one joining in here. I'm at the upper end of my 50s. A lifetime yoyo dieter and I'm talking 5/6 stone which I know is terrible for my health. Currently 3 stone over weight. Have all the diet food I need in the cupboards yet ate 2 (big bags) of sweets yesterday alongside 2 cakes and other stuff my brain has conveniently decided to forget. I really don't know why I'm doing this to myself. I am in a 20 year relationship( not married ) which if I'm being honest is ok but not great, but am too scared to get out off because of the fear of being alone. Both parents dead, no siblings, and live miles away from grown up son who is getting on with his life ( rightly so ) Throw in lack of enthusiasm to sort out shit pit of a house , and feeling lonely as well.

DoinItForTheKids interesting to hear about your nail infection and HRT. I mysteriously developed an infection in my thumb nail ( very attractive I must say!) also my previously greasy skin transformed into an arid desert overnight. After starting HRT a month ago my nail and skin have miraculously returned to normal.

Is anyone else a fan of Michael Mosley? I’ve read all his books on diet and exercise and it makes so much sense. He certainly motivates me to try and stay healthy.

I haven't read the whole thread but am a bit concerned now as I thought happiness in life was 'U' shaped and your 50's was when you got a bit more time to yourself and things improved?!

Exercise is the one everyone recommends and I agree with this but try and find something that fits in with your life otherwise it'll become a chore and you'll stop doing it. There are loads of options so find something that works for you.

Having your own interests is very important imo - playing an instrutment (you're never too old to learn!), doing some form of sport (gets you out of the house), reading, cooking etc the list is endless, and keep trying things until you find something you enjoy.

Don't be scared to go to things on your own (for example going to an exercise class on your own) tell yourself you can do it (there will probably be other people there feeling a bit awkward too) but once it starts you'll be fine, and guaranteed you'll feel better after it (if not during!)

I can see the point Jon was making, but in classic MN style it seems to have been misinterpreted as 'go and buy a boat and you'll be happy' which is not the point being made.

Someone upthread said 'misery loves company', there's another saying I like 'people are as happy as they want to be' - that's not to make light of people who are struggling, but there are lots of options to explore to improve your happiness and self-esteem that are not related to how you look, how much you weigh etc, and it's fun trying new things (you're a long time dead as they say!)

Reporting for duty, this is the thread for me.

I have a chronic health condition so was retired early at 48. Women in my family always break the mold but my health issues mean I went from being one of those I'm not conforming and I will do as I please to relying on others for help. That made me feel very weak and passive for the first time in my life. My grandmother was a political activist as was my Mother as was I. We have also done things that many would class as non standard some of which are less wholesome lol.

I have an allergy to hair dye, it developed during menopause so I sport grey hair. I'm trying to adjust my mind set to accept it rather than be annoyed by it. I suppose I should just be glad I'm still alive as it was touch and go at one point.

IsitWorth I agree with the principle of what you’re saying ( although I found Jon extremely annoying).

I thought my 50s would be a time of liberation but I didn’t factor in caring for my elderly mother and my husband cheating on me. Consequently all my retirement plans have gone up in a puff of smoke as I’m now on my own.

I’m not overweight, I go to the gym and started spinning classes ( by myself initially but then roped a friend in to join me). I try and adopt a positive attitude but it’s not always possible when I’m trying to balance work with family demands with diminishing energy levels. In your 50s like it or not, your body changes. Some people sail through this ( yes Jon, you obviously have!) and others find it more of a struggle and that’s perfectly normal.

I think this thread is a great place to discuss our different issues and to have a good old moan if we want to.

I have found my people!
Went through an early menopause (which I didn’t realise until I went to drs at 40 with a list of symptoms. Blood test confirmed I’d been through it and out the other side). Now 54. Long term in HRT. Which helped enormously. But... overweight. No energy. No motivation. Single 5 years because long term partner ran off. Despite having got on the mortgage step early the ne d of the relationship took my home and any chance of owing property again. A little cash in the bank but a low paid job with no prospects and my financial future looks grim. Renting is expensive, I hate where i live but with all the checks and affordability even moving to another rental isn’t easy. No children, parents still healthy. Lost my darling dog last year. I’ve been constant Ill this year with cold/virus then flu/chest infection that I still can’t throw off completely. Trying online dating... unsuccessfully. In theory I should be able to do whatever I want with my life right now, I just cannot find the energy or motivation to do anything...knowing I’m not alone in this helps a little. But I want my mojo back!

Hear, hear mind.

Hi Thisisnotwhatiwant it’s tough isn’t it dealing with the unexpected circumstances? It’s not a golden path to an idyllic retirement that I anticipated but I’m learning to roll with the punches and deal with each day as it comes.

Have you got any coping strategies? I write a diary every day which focuses my mind. Walking is also a great way of being in the fresh air and switching off. I also lost my beloved dog and cat last year

It seems there are a lot of us in the same boat,in my case I was made redundant from a job I loved and I've struggled to find another that pays as well. DH has a hand condition that mans he is unable to work, it's his dominant hand that's affected, have you ever tried to find a job where you don't need to use your hand?. I need a job that will pay more than benefits but they don't seem to be around me.

I've also got health issues including arthritis, gallstones and what I believe is metabolic syndrome.

I've decided I need a hobby but really don't know what to try? Perhaps I should start a website for people like us

I can relate to so much of this. I am nearly 57 (I honestly can't believe I am that old). Im through the menopause, but really from the age of 50 I started to go downhill. Lots of difficult life events in the past seven years and I am still struggling to cope with life throwing curved balls. I just seem to have run out of steam. I have enthusiasm for things for a brief time and then just suddenly lose heart and give up. I can't be bothered doing anything much, even going on holiday is completely exhausting. Once I am there I enjoy it, but the organisation etc is overwhelming . I have lost interest in cooking, force myself to do housework, and feel tired and lethargic all the time. During the Winter I struggle to function but in the Summer the light seems to help.

I am 3 stones overweight and keep starting diets, then giving up . I eat healthily and exercise (walking), but as someone else said, look like my mother, which is so depressing. I saw a photo of myself about eight years ago and I look like a different person.

I have a lot of stress in my life but don't work now and my husband is retiring. Life just seems to have totally lost its purpose and meaning. I don't enjoy anything much these days. I know I'm depressed, but can't find any solutions. I've just lost my mojo.
Perhaps we should all start a support group?

cherry I am exactly the same, literally word for word, but is it menopause or is it something else? I am 55 but I haven't gone into full blown menopause, I still have fairly regular periods (just miss one now and again) - how long is all this going to take? I thought women said they felt better after menopause - I know it can take 10 years (?) - but I've been struggling for 5 years as it is. You mention you have a lot of stress, so do I - is that it do you think?

Why are we all like this?

there are lots of options to explore to improve your happiness and self-esteem that are not related to how you look, how much you weigh etc, and it's fun trying new things (you're a long time dead as they say!) - aw, so what we all need is to be jolly and get a little hobby! Doh. Silly me.

I've just read this poem and thought of this thread. Though raging just seems like too much of an effort today!

Do not go gentle into that good night
Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

My friend's doctor asked my 50s friend if she'd thought about taking up cake decorating or flower arranging when she went to him with menopause symptoms and/or depression

I think it's the middle aged equivalent of telling somebody with depression to "just cheer up"

Staples - if it makes you happy moaning on this thread then do that instead

As trite as you make it sound, having some interests in life , hobbies etc is important. I’m not saying they are the full solution, but theres a lot of good advice on this thread from people who have been through similar and what has worked for them.

Everyone gets old, looks fade and people tend to put on a bit of weight generally. If your happiness and self esteem is linked to these three things then it will be tough imo, the point is there are lots more things a person can do to be happy and improve their self esteem.

Yes mind very tough. Mostly I try not to plan too far ahead these day...knowing how quickly things can change! And it’s frightening! Financially mainly, wondering how I’ll cope. I struggle working F/T currently and the thought of another 10-15 years of it is scary.
I think I’m far worse currently because of the illness. I was in bed for almost a month with the flu and chest infection... which is hard when you’re on your own to. Back at work for 2 weeks and that’s taking all the energy I have. I have booked a holiday with a good friend in June. I hope I’m feeling better by then.
I don’t have a coping strategy... other than trying to take things on a day to day basis. I like your idea of writing it all down. Get it out of my head and on to paper... do you find it clears it from your head?
On another note... sleep! Couldn’t cope with the lack of. My doctor prescribes me an antihistamine as not addictive in any way. Contains promethazine hydrochloride. It’s prescription only, but I believe some of the somminex (? Spelling?) over the counter products contain it. It does help.

Belinda she did things like going to tbe opera...sailing (back to boats again, sorry !), hot air balloon and Ascot. Things she'd always wanted to do, but never had the time or money for. It also helped that her fabulously wealthy father left everything to her when he died, so she's (unfortunately) in a better position than me !! DoinIt you sound a bit more positive and active...good for you ! I really think the weather helps...still sunny here today - no apologies needed for the fake tan !! I'm still ok...but seem to be suffering from constant headaches atm...its debilitating

mind thank you for the flower. Losing beloved pets is hard, two must have been especially difficult for you. She was my reason for getting up every day... but positive thoughts required. We have our memories 💞