In your 50s and lost your way anyone?

[DoinItForTheKids]

Don't know whether this is the right place to post this - there doesn't appear to be an obvious section for sad 51 year old women so I'm going in the 'relationships: with yourself' direction on here and hope it's ok here.

I don't know if anyone watched the programme with Susannah Constantine, Les Dennis, Tameka Empson and Miles Jupp all getting fit? Susannah and Trinny used to help women who'd 'lost their way' on their TV programme (used to love that!) and they'd often have some lady in her 50s who'd gone astray and I used to think "god how pathetic (ha!! karma), I'll never do that". And Susannah herself said that she knew how to help other women but she couldn't help herself (which doesn't fill me with hope!!).

I seem to have arrived at a point where I just look like a sack of shit and yet, I can't stop eating constantly in the evenings - I honestly don't know what to do, I've no interest in exercising. No, that's not true, I am interested, but I just cannot get motivated to do it. I used to run but I don't know whether it's menopause or not but got fed up with my x2 a week 5 k runs because I never ever get the endorphin hit any more, it just doesn't happen! I used to go to Parkrun which on the one hand I loved, but it was just another exercise in being on my own and I stopped going.

I've got things to do in the house which I've now saved up for most of them, and yet I'm in stasis - I could have organised an electrician weeks ago but I seem like a rabbit caught in the headlights, I can't seem to get going.

I just don't know whether to focus on me, my job/career, the house, the garden.

I just do not know how to move forward or what to move forward with - idiotic isn't it! I'm generally totally fed up with myself. My hopes seem to rest on winning the lottery and being able to get a face lift, tummy tuck and liposuction - that would make me happy and get me going. But since that's not going to happen....

if it makes you happy moaning on this thread then do that instead - talk about disingenuous - this thread is for people to discuss problems they are having, not to be told to count their blessings and start flower arranging.

Staples - my original post was agreeing with a lot of the advice already givenon here, not for people who are depressed - i think theyre best course of action would be togo to their GP, but for the people a bit fed up and wanting to rediscover a bit of happiness and joy in life.

All of things listed , exercise, new activitites , meeting new people etc, etc are things people have found useful in rediscovering some happiness (including me).

You seem determined to misinterpret this (lets get a hobby and all will be fine as you say) when ive tried to clarify that this isnt the whole answer just advice from people who have found things that have worked for then - feel free to ignore it!

The comment about moaning was meant lightheartedly (the smiley) and referencing the other posters who have commented about coming on this thread for a moan - dont take it personally!

Whatever your situation i hope you find something that works for you, there are lotsof people who feel this way it seems

IsItWorthIt - no, it isn't, it isn't worth the typing space it would take to explain it all to you. However, I didn't realise I was depressed and needed a doctor. Thank you so much. Wow. Oh hang on, let me put a smiley face, as that makes the world go round eh? LOL.

Suddenly it hits you. You're mid to late fifties with the big 60 around the corner and its kind of how did that happen? And why is life so bloody difficult?
And the creeping knowledge that you're losing your sense of self in how you look, how you feel, how you interact with the world, how the world interacts with you...its a puzzling and seriously difficult time.
There's another poem that speaks to me - paraphrasing here!.
'When I am old I shall wear purple and sit on pavements and learn how to spit...'
Maybe we need to stop feeding the stereotype. Maybe we need to learn how to spit!

I remember being a teen, and telling my menopausal mum to just "get a hobby, like pottery or something" (she had never shown an interest in pottery, she's a very academic sort if person, not creative)

30 years on, she has not yet forgiven me for that comment

So I know not to tell you all to get a hobby . But.... can I just say what a huge positive effect sport has on my (mid) life? It makes you feel good about your body, and appreciate your body for what it can do (rather than just how it looks). Just that.

BitOutOfPractise thanks for posting that poem.

Staples - ok I’m lost now I dont even know what point you’re trying to make, or whether you just want to create an argument.

I never said YOU are depressed, I’ve never said YOU need to go to a doctor.

I’m agreeing with a lot of what has already been posted, including the last person who said sport has been good for them. If you disagree with this advice that is fine but please dont deliberatley misinterpret it, its not that contentious

IsIt - I think the value in this thread is not that we're all having a good wallow and doing nothing about our state of mind. it's that we are finding people with similar experiences who can understand what we are going through. Just as new mums seek eachother out because there's stuff that no one else quite gets unless they're in the midst of it, women who struggle in the menopause are fine to seek each other out and share what's happening.

For me, a number of things have co-incided. My parents are elderly, very unwell and refuse to go into a retirement home which means they need a lot of looking after and their toddler-like behaviour needs a lot of coping and dealing with. On top of that, I have two teenage sons, who also need a lot of attention with exam stress and uni choices and love issues and hormones. On top of that there are my own hormones which have caused me to feel life-destroyingly exhausted all day every day for months on end for the best part of five years. Due to that exhaustion, though I do exercise, i don't whizz round all day long like I used to, so the hous eis a tip and I've put on three stone. It really is OK to pause for breath and have a mutual moan about this. It's not a misery-fest. It's recognition of when life it a bit tougher than you can cope with.

I have a close group of friends who are all about 5-8 years older than me. I remember 5 years ago they were all like this: fat, miserable and exhausted. everything was on top of them, and I, at the sprightly age of 48 thought what's wrong? Now they'r eout the other side - they've lost the weight and regained their mojos and I'm the odd one out. It'll pass. This thread is a lovely place to hang out while we're in it.

If this was bingo I would have a full house 😂

48 and dreading turning 50 but instead of doing anything positive I am sitting on the sofa reading this post (which has at least made me smile). Such a horribly demotivating time of life - I can’t even get up the enthusiasm to sort out our summer holiday - first time that’s ever happened

🥂 to you all! Good to know there are people to talk too x

Well said Mina this thread isn’t about moaning, it’s about support and empathy. Funnily enough there was another thread on here recently about loneliness and posters kept suggesting “volunteering and hobbies” as the answer . If only it were that simple! Sometimes people just want to offload without being judged or instant solutions given.

I agree, like new mums we are facing different challenges we have never encountered before and like new mums we are being massively impacted by our hormones. We haven’t asked for this but we must deal with it the best way we can and expressing ourselves on this thread is massively positive in itself so thank you Doingitfor

I can also relate to having to cope with elderly parents who can be very challenging in their behaviour and that’s in tandem with trying to support young adult children. There’s a plethora of issues that we can all be facing in our 50s and it’s not always easy no matter how many times we go to the gym! I have just done today’s gym session. Yes I feel better for it but it won’t take away my feelings of sadness for my failed marriage, having to move out of my beloved family house and my naturally declining fitness/youth. I put on a bright, positive facade in real life but it’s a relief to be able to express my honest feelings on here.

mindfuckery and Mina good posts. I am always pleased to see opportunities to discuss stuff like this because in RL no one seems willing or able, perhaps because it just seems like moaning rather than a forum.

Anyway, must get on with my embroidery ...

Been on tod 25 years. Not good

Yes, I’m a bit busy icing my cake ......so all is well in the world

Is that not by choice lyn? Would you like to meet someone?

Hi lyn I’m on my own too. Have you tried to meet someone? I tried OLD but I decided I’m not ready for another relationship yet ( only been on my own about eight months). All the men I met on there were lovely but I didn’t feel any spark, so I didn’t move beyond first/second date.

Mina - i’m not disagreeing, my original post was agreeing with things that had already been posted (it was summarised by staples into ‘get a hobby’ a word I never used and which i dont think was a fair summary).

If people are just looking for support/empathy but not advice why not just ignore posts offering the latter. If its any consolation I have a sick parent, children, work etc all the usual stuff so I’m not trying to make light of this but re-iterating some of the advice which is often given.

Up until a few weeks ago I felt fairly youthful and energetic, particularly after losing a couple of stone. But recently I suddenly feel old. I am 53 in a few weeks, slightly older than Liz Hurley, but I feel 20 years older than her. I wonder how her menopause is going. Judging by all those photos she posts doing cartwheels in a string bikini on a tropical beach, fairly well I would say.

I had a massive pampering session yesterday. Fake tan, Margaret Dabbs foot file (expensive but the best decruster) nail polish and got a haircut today. I went through my wardrobe and I now fit into some nice clothes after the weight loss. So I feel more like myself today. The warm weather is uplifting too, I thought I would be bothered by it, but no, just enjoying it.

I am learning French via an app. My memory for that is shit hot which is contrary to recent forgetfulness. I am going to carry on with that because I feel better for learning something.

I agree its not easy when you see Liz Hurley in a bikini, Helen Mirren on the red carpet or Rachel Weisz pregnant at 48. I don't think our mothers had the same pressure to look good. I suppose nobody is making us conform to the modern 'older woman'. I really should stop looking at the tabloids.

Having said that our generation can dye our hair red and wear a leather jacket if we bloody well want to. Fancy re training at 53? Why not you will be working for at least 15 years so you might as well do something you enjoy. Botox and fillers are available if we want and can afford them.

I can remember turning 40 and not being bothered. I was busy with a young family and work. I felt great and thought I looked not too bad. Ten years on I am knackered, fat and look my age. The past 10 years have flown by and I can only assume the next 10 will go past just as quickly.

This thread is great. I’ve got a renewed interest in clothes. I sort of went off the boil when the DCs were younger. I had a long career break after having DCs later, I was 38 and 42 when I had them. Lived happily in jeans but now I’m back at work I’m feeling my interest in clothes coming back.

I’d love to hear people’s recommendations. I’m looking for a blazer type jacket. Not the gold button type. Doesn’t have to be too structured. Preferably lined and longer length around hip length. Navy. Anyone recommend shops to try? I’ve tried a few on and I’ve found that many places cut them really tight under the arms and I’ve definitely got a bingo wing thing happening.

For any blog readers, I really like Nikki Garret’s midlifechic blog. She is 50 and does mostly clothes but taps in to our age group well. I read it as she summarises latest trends etc and it saves having to trawl multiple sources. A lot of the clothes are the kind of thing I would buy but are on the classic rather than trendy spectrum.

I have a bingo wing tshirt recommendation ladies. M & S do elbow length/half sleeve tshirts in an array of colours. I’ve bought some of the boat neck/slash neck ones as it’s a neckline that suits me. They’re £6.50 each and sometimes on a buy 2 offer. I bought a couple last year and thought they were a bit snug so this year I sized up. But they’ve changed the fabric. It’s not quite as thick and seems more stretchy so I think I didn’t need to size up afterall. . They’re still good t shirts though. Long too. Finish just above public bone on me.

Deux you're right about those long sleeved M&S tees. I got a white one last year - need to have a look this year.

Primark have some lovely long line tees for only £2 right now. I bought a few when the weather turned. Nothing special but good staples.

Have you looked at Jaeger online for grown up blazers? I got a gorgeous navy very lightweight wool one on there for £50 down from £250.

MinaPaws (great name). You know I’d forgotten about Jaeger, crikey my memory, but I did buy a great coat from their outlet, so I’ll have a look. Might have a look at Jigsaw too maybe. Thanks.

I must make a trip to Primark but I do find I have to psych myself up as it’s carnage in my nearest one.

Well... perhaps we should organise a huge party and meet up to console each other...

Yep I'm game. If I can be arsed obviously

But seriously mutual support is all good.

Deux I was in Joules yesterday and they had a navy blazer/smart jacket thing - no gold buttons. The fabric felt lovely and soft.