In your 50s and lost your way anyone?

[DoinItForTheKids]

Don't know whether this is the right place to post this - there doesn't appear to be an obvious section for sad 51 year old women so I'm going in the 'relationships: with yourself' direction on here and hope it's ok here.

I don't know if anyone watched the programme with Susannah Constantine, Les Dennis, Tameka Empson and Miles Jupp all getting fit? Susannah and Trinny used to help women who'd 'lost their way' on their TV programme (used to love that!) and they'd often have some lady in her 50s who'd gone astray and I used to think "god how pathetic (ha!! karma), I'll never do that". And Susannah herself said that she knew how to help other women but she couldn't help herself (which doesn't fill me with hope!!).

I seem to have arrived at a point where I just look like a sack of shit and yet, I can't stop eating constantly in the evenings - I honestly don't know what to do, I've no interest in exercising. No, that's not true, I am interested, but I just cannot get motivated to do it. I used to run but I don't know whether it's menopause or not but got fed up with my x2 a week 5 k runs because I never ever get the endorphin hit any more, it just doesn't happen! I used to go to Parkrun which on the one hand I loved, but it was just another exercise in being on my own and I stopped going.

I've got things to do in the house which I've now saved up for most of them, and yet I'm in stasis - I could have organised an electrician weeks ago but I seem like a rabbit caught in the headlights, I can't seem to get going.

I just don't know whether to focus on me, my job/career, the house, the garden.

I just do not know how to move forward or what to move forward with - idiotic isn't it! I'm generally totally fed up with myself. My hopes seem to rest on winning the lottery and being able to get a face lift, tummy tuck and liposuction - that would make me happy and get me going. But since that's not going to happen....

Lucky I know how you feel. We made some disastrous decisions during the recession (about 8/9 years ago) and now ill health and life events have dealt further blows so I am so stressed about finances all the time at a time when I thought I would be comfortable. Also, despite higher level degrees, experience etc I am finding it near on impossible to get work (due to SAHM , then self employed and woman in her 50's syndrome).

Really feel a bit fearful of my future and absolutely no spare money for all the tips you read to cheer yourself up or socialise, gym, clubs etc.

I'm just trying to get through each day as it comes (and not catastrophise about the future) and to think about the good things in the day even if it is just making a nice meal or feeling warm and sheltered. I try to get a walk in every day and I'm lucky in that I live near some fields and can also walk to the coast. Even if I don't enjoy it at the time I think the exercise and far horizons rest my eyes and I feel the benefit later.

Living I think the poor sleep in my case is down to a lighter sleep than I used to get which makes me toss and turn and then fall asleep in awkward positions: maybe on my front with neck to the side or arms tucked into my chest and so I wake up sore in the shoulders and neck. I also think I spend too much time on my laptop and that is also stressing my neck. I have set a timer for 2 hourly breaks to stretch which has helped.

Lurking at the brink!

thanks for the suggestions: the iphone/computer thing may be it! there will be changes! and, if no improvement, i may try TENS machine!

lurking at the brink made me . i'm swimming some way out now ...

All my neck pain over the past 5 years has entirely been due to poor posture. Find a private physiotherapist. When I'm totally knotted up, he'll do massage, diagnose and advise posture issues, and if necessary he puts acupuncture needles in and it's SO much better pretty much straight away. Worth a go as often just the one visit sorted me right out. Hope you can find some relief Living.

I am 53 in the next month. I have always been a doer at work, always learning, advancing, being developed etc. Now I just can’t be arsed. Years ago the prospect of some of my less intelligent colleagues being promoted over me pull have made me apoplectic, but now it would not phase me at all. Not interested, donn’t Want promotion, I am done.

I am going out to a concert tomorrow in central London. Can’t be arsed but DH would be upset if I did not go. All I want is to leave work, have dinner, read my book or listen to music. Sitting with people just annoys the hell out of me now. Noises get to me. I love my own company, sadly I don’t think anybody has anything new to offer me that would make me want to engage with them. This is all new. Although I have always liked my own space, I was never this anti-social and intolerant of others.

Timefortea I'm just the same. I have a very stressful, sensory overload job and when I come home, I can't stand too much noise. If I had my way, I would talk to no-one and hide away. Can't be arsed with anything much tbh.

Time, this is me aside from an ongoing dogged determination to progress job wise (entirely fear-based). This not wanting to do anything other than come straight home after work blew up in DDs face last night and she ended up having to walk home (poor arrangements, not knowing what time she'd be finished, expecting me to come home then come back out for her later in the evening - no one ever asks what I want!)! I just can't be doing with it.

Hi ladies,

Great to see this thread going strong. In a previous post I mentioned Tanith Lee, aka Mrs Menopause and attach details below of an online conference that she sent me via email (I subscribe). As so many of us feel as though we're drowning in quicksand and brain fog I thought I'd copy over an email I received from her so that any of you who may be interested in some of the topics can sign in to join in or just get some useful tips for coping or feeling less alone.

"You will learn how to take care of yourself throughout menopause in a way that will be totally unique to you so that no matter what your experience, you can manage and move through it in a way that has you feel in charge, hopeful, feminine and supported.
Katie Phillips - Founder of 'The School of Self Love' - is hosting an online conference from 30th April - 4th May which will feature top experts (including me!) sharing how you can ensure your menopause is an opportunity for you to know and love yourself by embracing your body, your femininity and your soul at an even deeper level.
My interview will take place on 2nd May at 9am. I will be speaking about my premature menopause experience and how you can create your unique 'menopause manifesto'.

When you join the conference live (from the comfort of your computer!), you will be able to ask all the experts your questions. You really will have the experts at your fingertips - saving you a lot of time and money trying to ‘figure it out’.

I promise you, your menopause doesn’t have to be complicated or something that causes you overwhelm, worry or stress. Join us to discover how!
It’s FREE to register >> theschoolofself.love/my-menopause (or, you can use the bity link: bit.ly/2HpnY36)

My friend, Katie, was inspired to create and host this interview series because at the age of 43, she believes she is in peri-menopause. The sudden changes surprised her because menopause wasn’t on her radar at all. She felt overwhelmed with where to begin to get support.
"I’ve tried to look about for information but I am met with messages declaring menopause to be a horrible nightmare and my initial response was to start feeling unattractive, overwhelmed, old and on a downhill slope….”, says Katie.
As a transformational self-love coach, author and speaker it occurred to Katie that she wasn’t responding in a conscious, empowered or masterful way to a very natural part of life and to respond like that is the experience of most women.
"I have since made the decision to make my experience of menopause the most positive and life affirming experience. It’s MY Menopause, after all!"
This series will support women who are approaching menopause, empowering them with clarity, support and hope.
So, if you are a women who:
• is wondering if perhaps she is in peri-menopause;
• definitely knows you are in peri-menopause;
• wants to know how to manage menopause - to feel supported and to reduce overwhelm (in advance of starting menopause);
• desires to feel empowered and optimistic about this natural life transition
… then this FREE interview series is for you!
The expert interviews that you will have access to are intended to empower you with awareness, solutions, practical tips, tools and alternative ways of viewing and thinking about menopause.
I do hope you will join us!
It’s FREE to register >> theschoolofself.love/my-menopause"

Did anyone see the Daily Fail article yesterday about the French approach to menopause? They certainly take a very different approach [hmmm] but you've got to admire the positivity!

Yes unfortunately TimeforTea I've perhaps become more intolerant and anti-social. I think when I was younger (say up to age 50!) I always tried to see the best in people, and longed for pleasantness, and co-operation in my interactions with people. On reflection, I think I would have found life easier and been more effective if I'd had a more realistic approach.

I don't think its the menopause per se that bothers me at all, and I am a little suspicious of how the media is latching on to this at present. Though I know others have stronger issues, medically its had very little effect on me personally - apart from night sweats a few years ago, and perhaps some headaches. For me its perhaps more a "time of life" thing. I saw the article in DM yesterday in headlines but not had a chance to look at it yet; will have a quick look now. But also trying to get off my computer because of neck strain .

Stop reading the DM, that will improve mood no end!!

Just to add my dose of menopausal reality doesn't stop me wanting to support those who need it, especially the young ...

yetmorecrap - I felt exhausted just reading the article yesterday

Positive and negative day today. Finally got my permanent contract after waiting for 8 weeks later than I was promised it (but better late than never).

But (somewhat worse, weirdly) I've been told I can't go on the high quality training course I wanted to go on that's 5 days, research based and practice based and instead have to go to a crappy 2 day course that doesn't have half the content or solid basis of the other one. I don't know what I was thinking, but I'd thought "Yay, at last now I'm permanent and have jumped through hoops to find the very most suitable course that will not only benefit me but benefit the department I work in" but no. They tell me there's no L&D budget left despite it having only been open for use for 4 weeks... I might be a totally cumudgeonly suspicious old git but something just doesn't ring true. Not least since a colleague just this year started on about £4k of training, but I can't have this course for £3k.

Hmmm . Still, par for the course. Feel utterly demoralised and demotivated and literally just want to cry. I'm only doing it out of financial fear of the future and to try and bring enough money in for me and the kids but it always seems no matter what I try and do to progress myself, something comes to knock me down again. It never gets easier!

Go and celebrate the fact your contract arrived. The training is fristrtaing but it is important to recognise the good landmark sin life when life is otugh too. Get yourself some small thing to recognise and reward the work you did to get that permanent contract. That's a level of security you didn't have yesterday. Congratulations.

Sorry - my typing is appalling. Hope you can understand what I'm trying to say.

Yes, that's true Mina.

Well totally know how you feel! Am 50 next year yet planning to save for a holiday somewhere hot and being drunk on a beach on my 50th😩why is that? I had problems being 40! Have no energy any time and what's worse I have no energy to worry about having no energy. I've got to this age in the blink of an eye. Where's the time gone? I'm also the eldest in my dept which really annoys me. I feel like I've missed opportunities in life but can't say what they've been? Is this a bit of a mid life crisis but a bit past the mid life? There must be somebody out there who celebrated this age surely!

If I didn't have the kids I can think of nothing better than a holiday but I can't afford it, not for three of us all at adult prices. Haven't had a holiday since 2011.

DoinIt where would you go if you did have the money?

Does anyone else experience twitching muscles in their legs at night. It absolutely drove me mad last night. It seems to happen when I take Magnesium supplements which magnesium is supposed to alleviate!!
I also had pains in my legs and was horrified to notice that I appear to have the beginnings of varicose veins! I am absolutely mortified. I walk a lot and never thought this would happen to me, but i am 4 stone overweight.

This is such an interesting thread. I can relate to everything mentioned. Especially the need to withdraw/bequiet/ have a rest. Apparently this is a biological programming and what we actually need at this time is to withdraw and reflect. It is not an outgoing phase of life, it is a drawing back and reflecting, nurturing yourself phase. Modern life means that most women are still working, dealing with stressful events like parents dying /difficult teenagers or demanding adult children who are super stressed and leaning on us heavily. Personally, I feel I lack the resources to support others anymore. I used to be the strong one the coper, the organiser. Now I just want to retreat and avoid. Crowds, noise, stress, I can't take it anymore. Nature is the only thing that makes me feel good, but I am finding i can't shut down the incessant worrying about everything in the way I used to. The state of the world doesn't help. There is no security for our children and at this age, people around us start to get ill or die off. I know that sounds morbid, but you do start to wonder 'how long have I got?'.
I don't know what the answer is really. I want to be active and do lots of things, go places, but increasingly I find myself cancelling everything and avoiding situations, which isn't helpful. My tolerance for other people has really diminished too. I just can't be bothered with stuff that I used to put up with.
My moods also shift constantly, as others have mentioned. I can feel positive and energetic in the morning and totally depressed in the evening. My moods can be at opposite poles within hours for no good reason. It feels like walking on shifting sands.
It is really helpful to read this thread. I feel very alone a lot of the time these days. I haven't the energy to make new friends, and have lost old ones. It's hard.

cherrytree you put a lot of how I'm feeling a lot more eloquently than I could. I find it sad but also reassuring that others are feeling like this. I thought my moods etc were down to my situation (financial worry, poor relationship, chronic migraine, lack of work etc). Perhaps it is more to do with time of life and taking stock. I feel very "stuck" and can't seem to make any headway.

I had the twitchy legs a couple of years back on and off for 6 months. It went away (not sure why it came or went) but it woke me up a lot too, even getting up and walking around didn't help and my calves really ached - which they hadn't when I had twitchy legs at night with one of my pregnancies. I too took Magnesium (in huge doses to try to alleviate migraine) - not really sure if it helped. It didn't seem to happen as often if I had a good walk earlier in the day.

I am really enjoying reading this, though of course sorry to hear about other people struggling, it helps to know I am not alone. Although I have friends of a similar age, they don’t appear to be feeling like me yet. Most of them still have primary age children and seem to be coping well.

I have always been introverted and need a certain amount of alone time to recharge. This is now getting ridiculous and I am turning into a total anti social recluse. DH works away Mon-Fri but he is off next week before starting a new contract. He is looking forward to us spending time together and has planned days out and wants us to entertain friends. I am dreading it.

cherrytrees - agree all so clearly and eloquently put.