In your 50s and lost your way anyone?

[DoinItForTheKids]

Don't know whether this is the right place to post this - there doesn't appear to be an obvious section for sad 51 year old women so I'm going in the 'relationships: with yourself' direction on here and hope it's ok here.

I don't know if anyone watched the programme with Susannah Constantine, Les Dennis, Tameka Empson and Miles Jupp all getting fit? Susannah and Trinny used to help women who'd 'lost their way' on their TV programme (used to love that!) and they'd often have some lady in her 50s who'd gone astray and I used to think "god how pathetic (ha!! karma), I'll never do that". And Susannah herself said that she knew how to help other women but she couldn't help herself (which doesn't fill me with hope!!).

I seem to have arrived at a point where I just look like a sack of shit and yet, I can't stop eating constantly in the evenings - I honestly don't know what to do, I've no interest in exercising. No, that's not true, I am interested, but I just cannot get motivated to do it. I used to run but I don't know whether it's menopause or not but got fed up with my x2 a week 5 k runs because I never ever get the endorphin hit any more, it just doesn't happen! I used to go to Parkrun which on the one hand I loved, but it was just another exercise in being on my own and I stopped going.

I've got things to do in the house which I've now saved up for most of them, and yet I'm in stasis - I could have organised an electrician weeks ago but I seem like a rabbit caught in the headlights, I can't seem to get going.

I just don't know whether to focus on me, my job/career, the house, the garden.

I just do not know how to move forward or what to move forward with - idiotic isn't it! I'm generally totally fed up with myself. My hopes seem to rest on winning the lottery and being able to get a face lift, tummy tuck and liposuction - that would make me happy and get me going. But since that's not going to happen....

@DoinitForTheKids

lbab - He's so cute.That's not a breed I know. What a lovely face. I'd love a dog who liked a good long walk but DH doesn't want one.

Pebble is bonkers. But not as bonkers as her owner.

I used to live round the corner from a builder who had a cockatoo in his office, flying free. I used ot go round asking about all sorts of odd jobs just to get to play with the cockatoo.

just placemarking as about to go on holiday, but I was exactly the same before christmas, including the utter exhaustion, and have managed to turn it around basically by upping nutrients (loads of green veg smoothies etc) and gradually removing all sugar and then low carbing. Sounds grim but doing it gradually really worked. Improving nutrient intake initially seemed to give more energy, which meant that the rest of it was a lot more doable.

I've lost over 2 stone in 12 weeks, so not a 'crash' diet but a steady couple of pounds a week, and gone down at least 2 dress sizes, plus have so much more energy!

Mina I'd be exactly the same! I love Pebble and Max because I used to know a cockatoo and it would sit on my arm in a particular bar and pick holes in it (destructive little blighters they are). But, a few weeks ago I was at my local B&Q and there was a bloke walking his two cockatoos! He was in the car park with them on his shoulder and I had a right long chat to him (whether he wanted me to or not!). I really really would love one but I know I'd come back and find all the numbers stripped off my remote control, that sort of thing!

Well done *HidingFromDD! You are an inspiration to us all! I was JUST getting on track with all of this and the events of the last couple of weeks have just knocked me right back again and I've lost the will to proceed that I'd gained. So, back to the drawing board, pick myself up next week and see how we get on and whether I can crack on and do the same. Have a fab holiday!

Shamelessly place marking here as there are some great ideas which I need to make a note of. Definitely starting peri, periods every 10 days which I cannot cope with!

@HidingfromDD - that's really impressive.

They are brilliant birds, OP. Not just to look at. I think they're clever. We're lucky that we live near a wood with loads of green parakeets in the wild. I put out nuts for them and they come to our garden every day - the whole flock. Green with blue tails and red beaks. They're gorgeous.

It’s the periods that get me down the most. I feel your pain. Be gone periods forever

Love this thread thought it was just me feeling this way. This has helped me feel more positive and given me some ideas. No one seems to talk about feeling like this in everyday life.

I am 51 and utterly fucked off with my work life balance? super stressed and have zero social life.

I'm wondering whether to apply for another job I have seen that will be fewer hours but a higher rate of pay. I would be down on take home pay. The question is, will this shorter hours job have all the extra (unspoken) workload that my current job does? if so I might as well carry on where I am and hope I get more efficient.

And its only a 2 year contract and I am permanent at the moment but don't really know how long I can keep it up.

Hi myidentity. I've been quite happy in work not least because I can work really rather flexibly - no one cares what time you come and go so long as you do your hours and it's not obviously an idiotic work pattern, plus I get in one regular working from home day each Friday and can do extra ones for things like the boiler man coming that sort of thing. That helps ENORMOUSLY and I'm not sure if I could cope with what's a fairly demanding full time job any more without this facility.

I'm fixed term at the minute waiting (endlessly) to get given my perm contract to sign and I've got to say getting it will be a blessed relief. I don't know if you've worked them before but I find them really stressful and a couple of years ago was between contracts for 3 full months - so unbelievably stressful.

I also have zero social life. My main activities are watching Sky tv, talking to myself (in the absence of aforementioned cat or cockatoo) and that's about it!!

Anyway, welcome to you and any other recent newcomers to the thread.

I think I've changed alot in the last few years - I'm 55 and don't even feel the same as a couple of years ago. It feels like a new skin I'm not quite comfortable in it yet. I need alot more time and space for myself. I find modern life difficult and discouraging at times! I'm also very up-and-down in moods. Am re-reading and recommend "The warmth of your heart will prevent your body from rusting" by Marie de Hennezel, an inspiring and interesting book.

That book looks interesting theory. Your thoughts really resonate with me. I thought it was due to life events over the past 8 years but maybe it is just time.
I feel very discouraged about the future (for myself and the DC) and also need a lot of time to myself - quiet time at that. I don't enjoy or want to make the big effort to travel to do things I used to really like - eat out, theatre, concerts etc. especially in the evening.
I just want to read, feel cosy and go for walks in the country/coast. I find noise and bustle really wearing and stressful.

I just don't have the stamina I used to have or the distance. My youngest teen was potentially seriously unwell a few days ago and I felt very panicky about it and almost not able to cope inside. I used to be really clam and chilled even when I had 4 toddlers and myself and H ill with various illnesses and bugs. It has freaked me out. I've got to get a grip.

I have a rich enough "inner life"

Sorry my post got a bit garbled - should have checked before posting.

Possibly worryingly kikashi, it made total sense to me!!

I was only thinking the other day that mood changes and variation in feelings used to be something that happened far apart but I'm finding now that within a day my mood changes a lot more and it's quite surprising.

I on the one hand would love a social life (some non-expensive kind as I'm brassic all the time) but at the same time I'm like you, I'm actually pretty happy at home on the sofa with MN or the telly or a good Kindle (I get through many many books between reading in bed at night and on the train/train platform).

I too am worried for the future mostly because of the remaining £70k of mortgage I've got to pay off, job prospects, possible realities of keep moving up in job role when they know you're in your fifites, how I'll live on virtually no pension, and lastly how long I might need to keep working for - I don't mind keep working but will I actually be able to - what if I go more ga-ga than I am already?!!

I also worry about the mortgage. Even now, each time I renew from the previous best interest offer etc, the term gets reduced according to the state retirement age and I wonder if at some point it will come to bear that I can no longer get a mortgage and they'd need me to pay off the balance? I've no idea if that's a thing but there you go. Best way I have of addressing this is making every effort to move into a better and better and more well paid job and I am literally killing myself to do that because I clearly can't even confidently rely on XH to pay a small amount to the upkeep of his children so essentially it all sits with me, all the responsibility. Maybe that's the wearing bit?

not garbled at all kik, sounded most clear and reflective :-) but inevitably these feelings are hard to put into words. (in my case especially true as they seem to be rather changeable atm ... ).

I too seem to be in constant confusion about the future and feel overwhelmed by the prospect. I’m council accommodation in central London so no hope of ever buying even with £100000 max discount.
Ds keeps expecting and pressuring me to get better jobs but I want a simple life. All I really want is a rest not more work.

I suppose I face a future of being a burden on the state as while I can work I can pay the rent but when I retire I will only have a small pension.

I feel pretty lost atm, in my 50s too. Lost is quite an accurate way to describe it.

I hope its only a temporary loss of mojo :-/

All I really want is a rest not more work.
Me too. I just want to rest now. Ridiculous, really when I still have at very least 11 more years to work before retiring. But the urge to stop slaving and striving is so strong. I'm sure it's biological but I wish I knew why.

@kikashi Your post made total sense to me too. Completely clear.

one other thing, as well as the poor sleep thing, and never had this issue before, am also now waking up with achey and painful neck and upper back. any thoughts on this? I have a flattish pillow and comfortable bed (yay!) but suddenly this problem has appeared and have experienced it for the last 6 weeks. i'm going to do some stretch exercises every day, which may help, but i am puzzled as this is fairly out of the blue and i still feel a little young to be so achey ....

i'd be interested in the biology aspect too Mina, i do think there possibly is one. but the media is full of women in their 50s charging around in designer clothes, working out, plus working 70 hours a week plus fitting in some botox on their spare Saturday afternoons .

I feel completely lost as well. 46 and perimenopausal. Depressed that the future holds nothing but loved ones dying (my dad has terminal cancer, my mum is 77, my dh is 60). I have a ds aged 14, and I worry about him being left with no family).

lbab I lost my dog two years ago. Miss him every day. I have thought about getting another one, more so of late as he was my shadow and always a listening ear:) so never felt alone. I did tell him not to leave me but sadly it wasn't to be:(

Anyone have any tips on how to accept your life as it is? We were doing so well a few years ago, then the recession hit the financial services industry and really pulled the rug out from under us. So life is not what we thought it would be, no retirement on the cards, think DH will be working till his last day:( I am really bitter about this grrr.
I try the looking on the bright side etc, but life was meant to be way brighter than it is right now and currently I can't get these thoughts out of my head.

Yes I think we probably imagine the retirement years could be bleak, but it feels like it's already started - and is quite unexpected.

@LivingHeart ...might be smartphone or ipad syndrome, bit of tension from hunching over it? It’s apparently a Thing now

Livingheart I’ve found a TENS machine which can be bought in chemists or online, helpful in upper back/neck pain