In your 50s and lost your way anyone?

[DoinItForTheKids]

Don't know whether this is the right place to post this - there doesn't appear to be an obvious section for sad 51 year old women so I'm going in the 'relationships: with yourself' direction on here and hope it's ok here.

I don't know if anyone watched the programme with Susannah Constantine, Les Dennis, Tameka Empson and Miles Jupp all getting fit? Susannah and Trinny used to help women who'd 'lost their way' on their TV programme (used to love that!) and they'd often have some lady in her 50s who'd gone astray and I used to think "god how pathetic (ha!! karma), I'll never do that". And Susannah herself said that she knew how to help other women but she couldn't help herself (which doesn't fill me with hope!!).

I seem to have arrived at a point where I just look like a sack of shit and yet, I can't stop eating constantly in the evenings - I honestly don't know what to do, I've no interest in exercising. No, that's not true, I am interested, but I just cannot get motivated to do it. I used to run but I don't know whether it's menopause or not but got fed up with my x2 a week 5 k runs because I never ever get the endorphin hit any more, it just doesn't happen! I used to go to Parkrun which on the one hand I loved, but it was just another exercise in being on my own and I stopped going.

I've got things to do in the house which I've now saved up for most of them, and yet I'm in stasis - I could have organised an electrician weeks ago but I seem like a rabbit caught in the headlights, I can't seem to get going.

I just don't know whether to focus on me, my job/career, the house, the garden.

I just do not know how to move forward or what to move forward with - idiotic isn't it! I'm generally totally fed up with myself. My hopes seem to rest on winning the lottery and being able to get a face lift, tummy tuck and liposuction - that would make me happy and get me going. But since that's not going to happen....

If you need a quiet small fan I’d recommend Arctic Breeze. They make fans for PCs so they’re good at low noise! They operate from a USB so you’d need a portable power pack to run it if you’re not near a PC.
There is a desktop model and a stick one, obviously the stick one is a bit more portable ( just plug it straight into your power pack).

A. Vogel Menoforce sage tablets completely got rid of the hot flushes for me within a day or two. Expensive though - about £13 for 30 tablets.

@lizzie1970a - you've just reminded me, they sent me a free trial pack of one week's worth the other day. Will try them as soon as the hot flushes get unbearable.

I hope they work for you MinaPaws. I was amazed how well and quickly they worked for me. I'm on HRT now though so no hot flashes with that either. Let us know how you get on with them.

Oh yes me too I found the Vogels excellent after I couldn't get on with HRT.

I found this thread last night but fell asleep half way through reading it!

I am 45 and the feelings resonate with me very much. I feel like I turned 40, blinked, and here I am!

Thanks so much for starting the thread, the advice from posters is good, and the 'I'm not the only one feeling like this' is great as well!

I bought a pack of those sage Menoforce tablets a few weeks ago but haven’t taken them yet. Some of the reviews said they became less effective the longer you take them so I am holding off until my situation becomes desperate, and for financial reasons! For those who took them, did you take them for a long time and did they lose their effectiveness?

I didn't know that Timefortea99. I only took 2 months worth and went on HRT after that. It just seemed a big cost.

I have found with some tablets I take for joint pain that after taking a few months I could then drop them altogether and just take for a few days here and there when the aches came back. Whether that would work with the sage I don't know - take for 2 months and then take for a few days if the hot flushes come back. Might be worth trying. I was having about 5 hot episodes a day and was fed up with it.

Do hot flushes get worse as menopause progresses? I get them but they really are just a few seconds r minutes at the most and all I need to do is fling off the duvet or take off a layer and they go down again.

Think I'll save the week of Vogel tablets until they are less bearable.

Tip: go on Vogel website and they send you a week's trial supply.

Definitely a good idea to get the trial ones to see if they work as expensive.

I don't think they get worse but who knows.

I hope they don’t get worse. Mine are bearable at the mo. Mine sort of creep up my back and I sort of register them as, oh I am having a flush and then they slowly go away, often to be followed by a brief chill. If they stayed like that I would be very happy. I don’t want to take expensive tablets if I can ride them out.

The ones I use are Vogel's Menopause Support - they are different to the Vogel's sage. I didn't find just using sage very effective.

I have been taking since about November and so far my meno symptoms have not returned. I sleep pretty well and no hot flushes. Less teary.

I take St Johns Wort and 5-HTP for 'the rage'. They work for me.

I just feel I can't be bothered with anything. Everything I used to enjoy has just become a chore. My garden used to be commented on by everyone. It is a bag of shite now. I used to love cooking, but I eye up the ready meals these days.

I am trying to change things. We have been trying to move for nearly 2 years. 2 house sales have fallen through at exchange. We have lost so much money! We are now waiting to exchange on a doer upper, so wont be able to move until it is done up, next January probably.

I just want to be happy again really.

Snap with my garden. It's a bomb site.

Totally understand where you’re coming from loveka. I was going to post yesterday about the same thing. Even the stuff I want to do, I can’t be bothered with, let alone the stuff I need to do!

I just can’t seem to snap out if it either. Not sure where to go from here.

I could have written this post OP. I'm drowning in the sea of perimenopausal hell atm, with no idea how to get out of this funk. Have never ever felt so bad, unmotivated, bloody useless and worthless.

I know it's not ideal, but I can't tell you all how incredibly comforting it is to hear so many people say they haven't the energy to even do stuff they enjoy let alone stuff they should. That 'can't be bothered' feeling is so invasive. I honestly thought it was just me and I was going mad.

Snap! Same here.

I have a lovely house and garden but it is fast turning into a tip.
I need to order new furniture and blinds. Normally that is right up my street but I just can't make a decision about anything. This inability to make decisions is driving me mad. I am stuck in some sort of dithering paralysis but I can't seem to do anything about it.

Snap with my garden. It's a bomb site

My neighbours had a huge hedge and not long after I moved in I made noises about them reducing it to a decent height because I only had sun for about 2 hours a day in summer. They are decent neighbours, and after a couple of amicable conversations they cut it down to about 8ft which is perfect. After my operation I couldn't do anything in the garden, and it got a bit untidy, but I've been so down about the effort needed now that it's an absolute disgrace. I often wonder what they must think after I asked them to cut the hedge. If it was the height it was they wouldn't be able to see the mess they have next door. I feel ashamed to have such a mess but less than zero motivation to do anything about it.

I'm going to try this year. Just a little bit at a time.

On another note. I'm going on holiday 5 weeks today, and I'm going to lose a stone between now and then. 10 lbs should be very achievable, add another 2lbs for the first week, and I only have another 2lb to fit in along the way. After 5 weeks any weight loss will not be as rapid, so I must take advantage of the first week or so to get this going.

I've started taking magnesium so we'll see how that helps things, too.

I am stuck in some sort of dithering paralysis but I can't seem to do anything about it.

I'm so glad this isn't just me! As far as my garden's concerned I'm going to make a very small decision about a small part of it, and ignore the inner voice and just do it.

The trouble is any small job these days seems to have so many extra bits attached to it!

I’m the same ladies. My world feels very small at the moment. It’s good to hear I’m not the only one in my late 40s feeling like crap

Yes it is good to feel we are in the same boat!

I am sitting on the bed wearing my gym kit trying to force myself to go to the sodding gym!

With the garden, I feel the big easy jobs make most difference. Mow the lawn, weed the patio (quick tip just use a strimmer on it if you really haven't the energy to do it properly), pull out the sticky grass that seeds everywhere. Plant a couple of pretty pts and stick them somewhere prominent. All that can be done in two afternoons. Then it looks passable. Once that's done, you can sort out a corner of it properly whenever you feel able to.

Same with housework - clear coats, bags, boots, newspapers and books from surfaces. Quick hoover and dust, plump up the cushions. In 15 mins the plavce looks presentable, whereas if you start with the perfectionist stuff it looks worse after an hour.

What is this dithering thing?!!! Arrghh! I know, I have it too.

Can I please have a total rant, does anyone mind, about my absolutely shitty day?

1. Trying to book learning and development at work (which is called a PERSONAL development plan). I'm at the level I'm at right now, but the fear of trying to provide and remain not living in a cardboard box in my dotage encourages me to seek L&D which makes me more employable at a higher level (as opposed to more and more competency at my current level iyswim). There appears to be scrutiny applied to me that has not been applied to other (age-related??) and in fact my L&D plan has been run by the effing Chief Operating Officer - why?!! WHY? I've linked every suggested course back to how it will benefit the department I work for (which it absolutely will) and I've worked on this for hours and hrs and hrs and don't know what else it is that I'm supposed to do. Then, the course I want to go on, is in mid May. If I don't book on soon there'll be no spaces left. Plus, it's four nights away in London so you know I need to know to make planned ahead arrangements regarding my children
2. On a fixed term contract at the moment. Ends on 4 weeks. 4 weeks is the notice period on either side. 9 weeks ago I was told I'd have a permanent contract on my desk 'in 2 weeks'. Nothing, Repeated chasings, still nothing.
3. Darling, wonderful, lovely pathetic, twatty- XH has just emailed me today (again!!) to say that he has been made redundant (2nd job in a row) and he'll make a payment at start of May but after that it's 'fuck you' (he will of course continue to support his own wife and the child he had with her, just not his first and second born that he had with me).

That's £480 a month deficit from June, for who knows how long. 3rd occasion like this, which brings in the last 5 years the total number of months he's not provided child maintenance to about 9 months. Pretty crap record really. This is AFTER he's just asked me to pay half of my DSs Uni accommodation deposit the abolute *t. He MUST have known he was being made redundant when he asked me about this.

I wouldn't mind, but in the yr prior to our divorce he was on £8-k pa with a company Porsche. At point of divorce I was someone who'd been at home for 8 years as a SAHM. Within a year I was on a permanent role of £28k pa and since then have secured varied earnings (through sheer hard work, determination, totally pushing myself and putting myself out there) of between £30k pa to £56k pa.

I was just managing to save some money each month. God job I didn't activate my plan to bung £250 a month extra onto my car personal plan repayments isn't it! Great, no money for the summer, f all money to go towards Xmas. The last time he did this is was 6 wks before Xmas and was only 8 months ago. He's an utter, utter, utter, utter, utter, utter, utter, utter pathetic bellend. I would have SOME sympathy if it was all outside his control, but he keeps seeking and obtaining employment in a sector which is in the most massively reducing market possible. And when I go somewhere new, I go to Companies House and I check their accounts and I do due diligence and look for CCJs and all that stuff. For someone who was out of work for 8 effing years where I've come from nothing to now is nothing short of miraculous, and it's ALL down to how HARD I push myself, despite a subsequent failed relationship with someone I absolutely loved to his bones, despite not having a degree, despite being a single parent. He is so utterly pathetic (I am truly sorry, but he is) - I have had to put on and wear my Big Girl Pants every sodding day since the day I decided to divorce him and who would think that at both of us being in the just over 50/50 yo bracket, he'd have achieved so much less than me when for YEARS it was my support of him (you know, the wife at home so DH doesn't have to have any 'distractions' to his career) that helped him achieve that £80k salary, and how he can't even afford a few hundred quid a month for the 2 children we had together.

Sorry, seriously, for the rant, but I'm the wrong side of 3 glasses of wine and I want to seriously do physical harm to him, and slightly less physical harm to my employer/senior manager.

Please. Feel free to continue going about your business, don't mind me. When will there EVER be ANY stability and reliability in my life?