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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Who on earth was I dating? Feel sick.

126 replies

FeelingRattledToday · 15/04/2018 09:13

Long time lurker here. I barely slept last night as I’m confused and a bit shaken about a situation in I’m.

5 days ago I ended a short term relationship with a man because his sexual preferences and general behaviour really freaked me out. Sex was becoming increasingly rough, for example, hair pulling and putting hands on my throat (not choking) without asking then apologising after wards saying he had got carried away. He had violent porn videos on his phone that his mates had sent him that he thought were funny but were actually sick and he insisted on showing me them. He said he wanted to fuck my face hard as it was a fantasy of his then proceeded to show me a video which was horrendous - he pointed out he wouldn’t be as forceful as in the video but it still freaked me out and I said no. He pestered for anal sex a lot and kept asking even when I said no. I’m not a prude and am up for trying new things but none of this sat well with me at all. It seemed like he wanted to dominate and humiliate me. He also made a comment about how he gets irritable and agitated if he goes without sex for a while which again seemed like a weird thing to say. So I ended it.

Cut a very long story short the police are now involved as since I ended it he spent two days harassing me by phone and even drove to my house and sat outside just watching my apartment. I haven’t heard anything from him after that but the police have said they are going to issue a harassment notice to him. I did query with them whether it was necessary as if I’m honest I thought perhaps their resources would be better used elsewhere as I thought clearly This bloke had given up. They said they can’t disclose specific information to me but they need to issue the warning for my ‘protection.’ Basically they’ve looked into this guys history and something has come up but I have no idea what and they can’t tell me.

They said they’ll call me after he’s been issued the notice and that if there is further contact from him after that he will be arrested.

This has scared me as I only recently started dating again after getting divorced. Do you think the police are being overly cautious here or do you think this guy is an actual danger? I don’t know how these situations are normally handled. My mind is going into overdrive wondering what this person may have done in the past and its really unnerved me.

OP posts:
TheBeastAwakens · 15/04/2018 09:17

Shit. Have you googled him?

travailtotravel · 15/04/2018 09:17

I think he's done this with someone else. Possibly more. I think you've had a lucky escape, OP.

cansu · 15/04/2018 09:18

Thank god for a lucky escape op. I would take it v seriously. The police must have s reason for taking this action. Be careful to keep your door locked. I would make sure your friends and family are also aware in case he tries contact through them.

FrancisUnderwood · 15/04/2018 09:19

He'll have form. Probably for the same scenario you're describing.

Try not to worry too much.

Minime85 · 15/04/2018 09:19

If the police are doing that it’s becuase they know it’s in your best interest.

I think it sounds horrendous. Some men put too much or all heir sexual weight in what they see in porn. You have done right to walk away. Take care.

There are good men out there.

TeachesOfPeaches · 15/04/2018 09:20

Can you ask them about Claire's Law and see if he has a history of domestic violence?

Bananalanacake · 15/04/2018 09:21

How did you meet. Could he have done this to other women. Pleased you have ended it. No one should make you do things you're not comfortable with.

Hobbes8 · 15/04/2018 09:22

They can tell you, can't they? Isn't there a law where they have to disclose info about a person to their partner? Not Sarah's law, but another woman's name.

Hobbes8 · 15/04/2018 09:22

Claire's law - thanks teaches we x posted.

Original poster
FeelingRattledToday · 15/04/2018 09:23

TheBeast have googled him but nothing criminal related comes up thank goodness.

Thanks for all of the replies and reassurance. Can I just ask what the general opinion is on the sex stuff I mentioned? Would that have put other people off too or am I just too ‘vanilla’?

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 15/04/2018 09:23

You've done the right thing.

I am glad the police are taking it seriously. I'd suggest that if he turns up near you, you call 999.

As you're no longer together I expect they've told you as much as they can; if you were still together you could request info under Claire's Law; it may be worth putting in a request anyway,

www.met.police.uk/advice-and-information/domestic-abuse/clares-law-and-requesting-domestic-violence-offender-data/

Can you contact friends and family and advise them not to engage with him in any way relating to you?

letsdolunch321 · 15/04/2018 09:23

Ask the police is there a direct number to call them on if he contacts you after the harassment order is issued to the guy.

Also is there a reference number or code you can quote if you need to call them.

gingergenius · 15/04/2018 09:25

Dodged a bullet by the sounds of it!

Original poster
FeelingRattledToday · 15/04/2018 09:25

Sorry To drip feed but the police officer did say he’s not known for harassment. Beyond that they couldn’t tell me anything else.

Banana I met this prize of a man on plenty of fish

OP posts:
wellalrighty · 15/04/2018 09:25

Why would you think the police are being over cautious? They have limited resources and they're not going to use them if there isn't a need.

letsdolunch321 · 15/04/2018 09:25

God no you don’t sound vanilla, he is clearly not of sound mind where his sexual desires come in.

Flisspaps · 15/04/2018 09:25

@FeelingRattledToday even for those people who enjoy the things you've mentioned, it will be absolutely key that they are done with mutual consent for mutual pleasure.

It's not the act that would necessarily be off-putting, it's the force, coercion, control and disrespect he was displaying.

Flisspaps · 15/04/2018 09:25

@FeelingRattledToday even for those people who enjoy the things you've mentioned, it will be absolutely key that they are done with mutual consent for mutual pleasure.

It's not the act that would necessarily be off-putting, it's the force, coercion, control and disrespect he was displaying.

NC4Now · 15/04/2018 09:25

Yes, Claire’s Law. Ask for a disclosure.
Glad you got out safely.

BWatchWatcher · 15/04/2018 09:26

You’re not too ‘vanilla’.
Everyone has different tastes. His tastes were not yours and he was being overly forceful and not respecting your feelings.
You are perfectly fine, do not second guess yourself!

Adversecamber22 · 15/04/2018 09:27

No it's not normal he is violent and I suppose some people do get in to sado mashocistic stuff and do things like partially strangle each other but it's consensual.

Plus stalking you will never be ok.

Pasdeprobleme · 15/04/2018 09:27

It’s not about being too vanilla. He is obviously aggressive and showing you violent videos of what he wants to do to you is out of order.

MrsBertBibby · 15/04/2018 09:27

It doesn't matter if you're "vanilla" (hideous term used by sexual bullies and show-offs).

If you don't want it, you don't want it. Your body, your choice.

Teenytinyvoice · 15/04/2018 09:28
  1. yes the sex stuff would have been enough for me to end it.
  2. there is nothing wrong with being “vanilla”, it’s your right to have a sexual relationship you are comfortable with
QueenieS · 15/04/2018 09:30

Would have totally put me off, thank god you're out of it.

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