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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Who on earth was I dating? Feel sick.

126 replies

FeelingRattledToday · 15/04/2018 09:13

Long time lurker here. I barely slept last night as I’m confused and a bit shaken about a situation in I’m.

5 days ago I ended a short term relationship with a man because his sexual preferences and general behaviour really freaked me out. Sex was becoming increasingly rough, for example, hair pulling and putting hands on my throat (not choking) without asking then apologising after wards saying he had got carried away. He had violent porn videos on his phone that his mates had sent him that he thought were funny but were actually sick and he insisted on showing me them. He said he wanted to fuck my face hard as it was a fantasy of his then proceeded to show me a video which was horrendous - he pointed out he wouldn’t be as forceful as in the video but it still freaked me out and I said no. He pestered for anal sex a lot and kept asking even when I said no. I’m not a prude and am up for trying new things but none of this sat well with me at all. It seemed like he wanted to dominate and humiliate me. He also made a comment about how he gets irritable and agitated if he goes without sex for a while which again seemed like a weird thing to say. So I ended it.

Cut a very long story short the police are now involved as since I ended it he spent two days harassing me by phone and even drove to my house and sat outside just watching my apartment. I haven’t heard anything from him after that but the police have said they are going to issue a harassment notice to him. I did query with them whether it was necessary as if I’m honest I thought perhaps their resources would be better used elsewhere as I thought clearly This bloke had given up. They said they can’t disclose specific information to me but they need to issue the warning for my ‘protection.’ Basically they’ve looked into this guys history and something has come up but I have no idea what and they can’t tell me.

They said they’ll call me after he’s been issued the notice and that if there is further contact from him after that he will be arrested.

This has scared me as I only recently started dating again after getting divorced. Do you think the police are being overly cautious here or do you think this guy is an actual danger? I don’t know how these situations are normally handled. My mind is going into overdrive wondering what this person may have done in the past and its really unnerved me.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 15/04/2018 09:47

The police take these things very seriously. My ex was arrested for harassment and a injunction placed on him, the police were brilliant.

Hopefully you won’t hear from him again.

IDontLikeZombies · 15/04/2018 09:51

He sounds almost exactly like my ex. I left him and it was the best thing I ever did.
For men like this its not about being too vanilla, although they'd like you to think it was. I'm not at all vanilla but I do have boundaries and for my ex the thrill was all about pushing those boundaries. There's a name and a long prison sentence for men who don't take no for an answer. You did well to get away.

Bouledeneige · 15/04/2018 09:53

Dear OP - I'm glad you trusted your gut and got out and you must now trust the police and make sure you are vigilant about looking out for him and being safe. They obviously have good reasons for their actions - consider Clare's law.

I am long term single and I went on a few dates with a guy from online dating who was just too overtop with sex (not in the same way or with violent connotations), but I told him to back off because he was obviously too influenced by pornography and I'm not a prostitute. He apologised and admitted he was too obsessed with porn. I stopped seeing him but he did not pursue or harass me.

Another guy I went out with for 5 months harassed me after I broke up with him. I have a friend who is a policeman so threatened a visit from them and he backed off.

There are some bad and sad guys out there. Keep safe.

pudding21 · 15/04/2018 09:54

How awful op like others have said wondering if you are too vanilla is not the issue, he is. Hopefully the police warning will stop him Fromm contacting you.

I was taking to a guy (a cop no less) who told me last night he likes to piss himself for fun. Out the blue. He's blocked. I get people have kinks but it's the forced intimacy that screams red to me.

It's enough to put you off for life, isn't it? be kind to yourself you did nothing wrong.

BerylStreep · 15/04/2018 09:57

The issuing of the Police Information Notice (PIN) is fairly standard in any case where harassment is reported. Once the substantive offence is complete (to paraphrase, a course of behaviour - so more than one occasion - the the persons knows or should know that is unwelcome), then in theory police should go ahead and prosecute for the full offence, however most police forces still issue PINs - partly to provide a warning and give the person an opportunity to cease, and partly to prove the element of the offence that they knew it was unwanted contact. So it doesn't necessarily mean there is anything in his history that has prompted the issuing of the PIN, but nor does it mean that he doesn't have a history - just that it possibly isn't relevant to the PIN being issued IYKWIM?

I think you should still ask for disclosure under Claire's law - they may say no since the relationship has ceased, but given the ongoing harassment I think you could argue that you have a right to know under common law disclosure. Have you spoken with the domestic violence officer at your local force? They may have a better understanding of it.

VeganAsia · 15/04/2018 09:59
Flowers
Incarnationsofunderstanding · 15/04/2018 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Enko · 15/04/2018 10:07

Op even if You were not vanilla and i to more extreme things consent is the BIG thing withib sexual relationships both vanilla and otherwise.. also I dont think vanilla is a derogatory term think about it. Vanilla is warm sweet and flavourfull like a loving sexual relationship should be

However consent is the end all and be all in any sexual relationship

Gabilan · 15/04/2018 10:08

nothing criminal related comes up thank goodness.

You may not have the right name for him.

It just seems such a huge coincidence that there is more than one freak like that.

Really sorry to hear what happened to you Incarnation but yes, there are lots of them out there, sadly.

Meldrewincarnate · 15/04/2018 10:11

How is your relationship with your ex husband? Would he feel protective? If so, it might be worth a mention. Violent people only understand one thing and a gang of blokes asking him why he's sitting outside your place might give him the message (keeping in mind that the bloke's previous dealings with the police don't bappear to discourage him). I'm not condoning violence towards him... Just a little sabre rattling to scare him back under his rock.

IamalsoSpartacus · 15/04/2018 10:16

Hi Rattled, just wanted to check in and say well done for ending it. I was on here about 14 months ago asking exactly the same question - met a bloke OLD, he did the same kind of stuff, hurting and biting and slapping my arse during sex with the same excuses - "I got carried away, I thought you were enjoying it." He too came and sat outside my house. It's realy scary and it's good to hear the police are taking it seriously.

I'm sure you're already aware but once the harrassment notice is served it's best to have no contact at all, just ignore any texts or emails. These creeps take any rely as an expression of interest. Mine actualy emailed me last month to tell me he had a new partner and to ask how I was getting on!

Take care of yourself. If you've got any pals who'll come and stay with you for a few days, ask them.

Bouledeneige · 15/04/2018 10:17

Very sorry to hear your experience Incarnation - I hope you are getting lots of support.

I too suspect that it could well be a separate incident. There are some nasty people out there - and the availability of porn too readily normalises humiliating and violent behaviours.

AnnaMagnani · 15/04/2018 10:19

In terms of googling him, he may not have told you his real name, or he may have changed his name since a conviction - a lot do.

If he is convicted of a sex offence googling 'his name' + 'sex offender' may help as if it made it into the local press reports they will have reported his sentence and that he was made to sign the sex offender's register. Adding the town can help but not if he has relocated. not that I have done this ever, not at all

However if he has a very non-specific name like John Smith you probably won't get far.

It sounds most likely he has a sex or domestic violence conviction and you have done entirely the right thing to get rid.

gaia · 15/04/2018 10:21

Incarnations of understanding, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope you're getting support.

IamalsoSpartacus · 15/04/2018 10:22

Also, don't be hard on yourself about why you didn't end it sooner. I had to come and ask MN if he was out of order and I got some very straight-talking advice. As women many of us, espeically if we've been in abusive relationships, are conditioned into pleasing men. It takes a lot of effort to break that and stand up for ourselves.

annandale · 15/04/2018 10:23

I looked at a dating site the other day. I found myself discounting all the men in thought were attractive or interesting because they 'obviously' wouldn't be interested in me and I couldn't cope with rejection, and only looking at people with obvious issues that I thought would be likely to be desperate enough to date me. At least I recognised what I was thinking and came off the website quickly! I think I'm unsafe to date anyone. I need to learn to be OK alone. Honestly I think there are a lot of us out there, relationships are hard.

Incarnationsofunderstanding · 15/04/2018 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pestov · 15/04/2018 10:29

Good job OP - you've recognised a bad situation and taken the right steps to sort it quickly. Your conduct here is impeccable and you really have no need to question yourself. He's obviously bad news and you just need to keep doing what you're doing, strong in the knowledge that you see the red flags

Echobelly · 15/04/2018 10:31

OP, you are not being 'too vanilla' - if this was just a guy who was just into S&M, he would also know that it is all about consent and that you NEVER 'get carried away' or do anything to someone without asking if they are OK with it. And harassing you for ending things is definitely not normal.

Angelf1sh · 15/04/2018 10:31

I wonder if he might have a sexual harm prevention order? It might be worth googling that and your local paper to see what comes up.

Other pps are right though, this is and never was about you being vanilla/boring/a prude/too conventional, it was all about him wanting to override your boundaries and consent. You’ve done the right thing in ending it and the police have done the right thing in taking it seriously.

wombats · 15/04/2018 10:32

OP, sounds terrifying, sorry you had to go through this. Agree if you've got a friend to come stay (or somewhere you can pop off to for a few days) might be good to have a bit of space. With having a past abusive marriage, it can be easy to fall for the same types/patterns again, so do be proud of yourself for trusting your instincts and intuitions. You are very brave and very strong. Flowers

SusanDelfino · 15/04/2018 10:34

You can't use Claire's Law because you have already broken up! Had the same problem...

BrownTurkey · 15/04/2018 10:35

As well as Claire's law there is a thing called a Richards letter ? that they can disclose via to someone who doesn't know they are at risk eg living with someone with past convictions for dv. So they might be able to seek permission to disclose more info to you. Glad they are helping you and hopefully this is over for you now.

babycham75 · 15/04/2018 10:36

Literally the same has happened to me.
Swept me off my feet, promised me the world, and became a carbon copy of what you've described.
Don't want to elaborate too much. I also had a lucky escape. The bit about him saying he would be angry and irritable without sex is exactly the same. V scary Thanks

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/04/2018 10:39

Putting all his porn-fuelled behaviour to one side -

"he spent two days harassing me by phone and even drove to my house and sat outside just watching my apartment."
So, stalkerish behaviour. Maybe trying to intimidate you too. I reckon that could be why the police are acting, stalking is being taken a lot more seriously these days, thankfully.

Don't downplay his behaviour FeelingRattledToday. The police aren't, take your lead from them.