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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Who on earth was I dating? Feel sick.

126 replies

FeelingRattledToday · 15/04/2018 09:13

Long time lurker here. I barely slept last night as I’m confused and a bit shaken about a situation in I’m.

5 days ago I ended a short term relationship with a man because his sexual preferences and general behaviour really freaked me out. Sex was becoming increasingly rough, for example, hair pulling and putting hands on my throat (not choking) without asking then apologising after wards saying he had got carried away. He had violent porn videos on his phone that his mates had sent him that he thought were funny but were actually sick and he insisted on showing me them. He said he wanted to fuck my face hard as it was a fantasy of his then proceeded to show me a video which was horrendous - he pointed out he wouldn’t be as forceful as in the video but it still freaked me out and I said no. He pestered for anal sex a lot and kept asking even when I said no. I’m not a prude and am up for trying new things but none of this sat well with me at all. It seemed like he wanted to dominate and humiliate me. He also made a comment about how he gets irritable and agitated if he goes without sex for a while which again seemed like a weird thing to say. So I ended it.

Cut a very long story short the police are now involved as since I ended it he spent two days harassing me by phone and even drove to my house and sat outside just watching my apartment. I haven’t heard anything from him after that but the police have said they are going to issue a harassment notice to him. I did query with them whether it was necessary as if I’m honest I thought perhaps their resources would be better used elsewhere as I thought clearly This bloke had given up. They said they can’t disclose specific information to me but they need to issue the warning for my ‘protection.’ Basically they’ve looked into this guys history and something has come up but I have no idea what and they can’t tell me.

They said they’ll call me after he’s been issued the notice and that if there is further contact from him after that he will be arrested.

This has scared me as I only recently started dating again after getting divorced. Do you think the police are being overly cautious here or do you think this guy is an actual danger? I don’t know how these situations are normally handled. My mind is going into overdrive wondering what this person may have done in the past and its really unnerved me.

OP posts:
Elendon · 15/04/2018 12:43

UserV

My brother, who is in his sixties, is in a relationship where the default is no sex. He has met a great partner and they both enjoy each others company and friendship. They make a very attractive couple.

So it can happen in later life.

DaphneBucket · 15/04/2018 12:47

You say all that Userv, but how do people decide not to have a physical relationship in their late 40s early 50s?

You do know you're the unusual one here, right? Especially as you claim to be happily married.

LittleScottieDog · 15/04/2018 13:04

Way to derail the thread, UserV.

It's so important the OP gets whatever support they need from this situation. As I said, I've seen the repercussions of what can happen by this kind of man and feel the OP had a lucky escape. Let's not start debating here why people might be single after the age of 35 and actually want to have sex...

Gabilan · 15/04/2018 13:25

As pp have said, the key thing here is consent, not what your preferences are. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with using OLD as a way of meeting people. Yes, it can go wrong, but so can meeting people IRL. Heck, friends introduced me to a friend of theirs, which is how I ended up knowing a weirdo who had access to guns (fortunately nothing happened).

Neither is there anything wrong with wanting sex, whatever age you are, or with wanting sex with someone you've only recently met. Coercing or forcing someone is wrong. Wanting consensual sex is not.

annandale · 15/04/2018 13:48

Userv it's not unusual to feel differently about sex after your partner dies. My Dh died in February and I feel very different about practically everything. It's also absolutely great and OK to have a new partner and enjoy sex - my mum met a man at 60 after a long first marriage, they have been crazy in love now for over 20 years and quite obviously this has involved physical passion. The key thing is 'enjoy' not age or whether you have bits that sag.

Fairyflaps · 15/04/2018 13:57

You've had a lucky escape. Have you told the police about the reasons you broke off the relationship?
I know you say he didn't choke you, but the hands on throat is alarming (as are his other fantasies). Strangulation is widely recognised as a risk indication for domestic homicide.

WhereDoLostSocksGo · 15/04/2018 14:27

ive pm'd you op.

pommebears · 15/04/2018 14:36

Haven't read whole thread but if no one has said do a Claire's Law application please do it now

You can start by ringing 101

mm2one · 15/04/2018 14:36

Hi OP. I am male. In my books there is no such thing as vanilla or too vanilla or not enough kinky. It all boils down to each person is different and everyone has a right to their own body and what they want to do or don't want to do with it. The most important thing is to be as honest and straight forward about sex and if there is no compatibility then there is no compatibility and thats that. Your only option is to move on. If you are entertaining any ideas of getting back together with this guy, sit him down and be very blunt and honest about what his actions caused you and unconformable it.made.you feel. Left it to him to change if he wants to pursue a relationship. (No, the stuff he was doing or into is not normal , but then again, there is no such thing as normal)

It's too hard to make any sort of personality judgement based on your post. Yes, there are men who are really into porn and think porn should be reality. Yes, there are men who are possessive and over bearing and domineering. No it does not automatically mean they are serial killers or murderers. It just means they have the peculiar personality they have.

FWIW, from the little i can gather about your relationship with his guy, it seems he saw you as a sex object and didn't respect you that much as a human being. Odds are things weren't going to change much no matter what you agreed to change up in the bed.

Good luck.

Gabilan · 15/04/2018 14:41

If you are entertaining any ideas of getting back together with this guy, sit him down and be very blunt and honest about what his actions caused you and unconformable it.made.you feel.

The police are involved and have issued a harassment notice for the OP's safety. Why in the name of all that is holy would she ever contemplate getting back with him?

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 15/04/2018 14:41

t's too hard to make any sort of personality judgement based on your post. Yes, there are men who are really into porn and think porn should be reality. Yes, there are men who are possessive and over bearing and domineering. No it does not automatically mean they are serial killers or murderers. It just means they have the peculiar personality they have.

You know that men don’t have to be any more offensive than to have no sexual boundaries to have a shit personality don’t you mm? They don’t have to ratchet it up to being a serial killer from exhibiting sexually inappropriate and stalking behaviour to put off the OP. Being a stalker and sexually inappropriate is enough of an indictment of their personality.

IamalsoSpartacus · 15/04/2018 16:15

UserV, how dare you come on here and criticise other women for wanting sex?

BerylStreep · 15/04/2018 16:17

OP, I would seriously consider speaking to the local domestic violence support officer at your local police. I think it is really important that other than the harassment, your sexual experience is recorded for intelligence purposes, even if it falls short of a criminal offence (only just).

He could rape someone in the future, and having that picture of your experience could be really useful. He could also be subject of a sexual offences protection order. I don't want to be alarmist, but it wouldn't do any harm to have a conversation with the domestic violence officer - sometimes also known as public protection officers.

NorthernLurker · 15/04/2018 16:22

Apologies I don't know how I posted four times with the same post this morning!

Springflower3 · 15/04/2018 16:25

Op this sounds exactly like an ex of mine!! Lol there clearly a lot of strange men out there! Same thing with me, I ended up going to police and they also issued a notice for my protection and even put my house on red alert incase he came here. I also sent out a protection officer who give me personal alarms etc. Take the police’s advice. Xx

MarieG10 · 15/04/2018 16:44

Op. I'm sorry to tell you but if the police have issued the Harassment notice on first report from you, the likelihood is that unfortunately you have landed yourself some sort of nutter who will definitely have an unsavoury police history (maybe not a conviction). You are well rid and keep an eye out for him. If you see him hanging around or stalking you get it reported straight away. Take care.

willynillypie · 15/04/2018 16:47

UserV

What a totally random, rambling post about your own sex life!

mm2one

Did you read the OP? There is a lot of information in there to suggest that this person has a very worrying personality, particularly that he is known to the police and how seriously they are taking his STALKING. FML

8oOoOoOo8 · 15/04/2018 17:37

I think userv's post is equally as valid as everyone else's.

Foodylicious · 15/04/2018 17:47

I had a narrow escape of a similar 'relationship', only got as far as the first night together, and I got out sharpish.
Sounds like preferences were similar in a very specific way that I was not comfortable with at all.
It was not passionate etc, but rather controlling and degrading.

Imagine my horror when I saw him on crimewatch 10 years later for having commited a horrendous crime against a child about 6 months before I met him.
There had been others since.

It still upsets me now and I think of it more often than I would like.

Very lucky escape OP. Well done you.
Think carefully before doing too much investigating.
I honestly would have preferred not to know.
But obviously pleased they got the sick bastard.

Ohyesiam · 15/04/2018 17:48

Op, saying no to things you don’t want is not “ too vanilla”, it’s self preservation, and taking good care of your mental health. You did exactly the right thing.
If you meet someone you really like and trust, who you feel really comfortable around, and the idea of pushing sexual boundaries appeals to you, then go for it. Or stay as vanilla as a double cornet, because that’s fine. Your sexuality is TOTALLY your business, and it’s really important that you stay true to it.
The scenario you describe was nothing like it.
Your sense of boundaries has stood you in good stead. You respect yourself, and that is a really good thing.

mehhh · 15/04/2018 17:56

What a creep! You've done the right thing getting the police involved!

Definitely not too vanilla, The things you have described sound horrendous, and anal sex is always off the cards for me.

I hope you find yourself someone nice xx

Shockers · 15/04/2018 17:59

I understand that people have different sexual preferences, but saying you want to fuck someone’s face hard just sounds so disrespectful. He’d have been gone as soon as those words left him.

I hope you get some answers from the police; I imagine the not knowing why is pretty scary.

CAAKE · 15/04/2018 17:59

There's no such thing as "too vanilla". You get to decide and maintain your personal and sexual boundaries for yourself, it honestly doesn't matter what anybody else thinks.

Angelf1sh · 15/04/2018 18:33

8oOoOoOo8 UserV’s post was mostly totally irrelevant to the thread and to reality given that she isn’t single anyway. It was also incredibly judgemental in respect of women over 35 who dare to be single and have a sex life. Frankly she’s lucky she’s got off as lightly as she has with the criticism.

TemptressofWaikiki · 15/04/2018 18:52

My immediate thought reading the police’s stance was that this guy has form for a sex crime. He has shown a complete disregard for consent and appears to wilfully overstep boundaries. He might have been charged and not been convicted, perhaps got off on a technicality or given you an incomplete or alias. I don’t believe that anyone from the police force would take that sort of cautious stance without very good cause or purely on some anecdotal hearsay. This isn’t just about you not wanting to kick up a fuss or fear for overreacting but safe-guarding other women. Listen to your own gut feelings and don’t second guess your own sense of discomfort.