Who on earth was I dating? Feel sick.

[FeelingRattledToday]

Long time lurker here. I barely slept last night as I’m confused and a bit shaken about a situation in I’m.

5 days ago I ended a short term relationship with a man because his sexual preferences and general behaviour really freaked me out. Sex was becoming increasingly rough, for example, hair pulling and putting hands on my throat (not choking) without asking then apologising after wards saying he had got carried away. He had violent porn videos on his phone that his mates had sent him that he thought were funny but were actually sick and he insisted on showing me them. He said he wanted to fuck my face hard as it was a fantasy of his then proceeded to show me a video which was horrendous - he pointed out he wouldn’t be as forceful as in the video but it still freaked me out and I said no. He pestered for anal sex a lot and kept asking even when I said no. I’m not a prude and am up for trying new things but none of this sat well with me at all. It seemed like he wanted to dominate and humiliate me. He also made a comment about how he gets irritable and agitated if he goes without sex for a while which again seemed like a weird thing to say. So I ended it.

Cut a very long story short the police are now involved as since I ended it he spent two days harassing me by phone and even drove to my house and sat outside just watching my apartment. I haven’t heard anything from him after that but the police have said they are going to issue a harassment notice to him. I did query with them whether it was necessary as if I’m honest I thought perhaps their resources would be better used elsewhere as I thought clearly This bloke had given up. They said they can’t disclose specific information to me but they need to issue the warning for my ‘protection.’ Basically they’ve looked into this guys history and something has come up but I have no idea what and they can’t tell me.

They said they’ll call me after he’s been issued the notice and that if there is further contact from him after that he will be arrested.

This has scared me as I only recently started dating again after getting divorced. Do you think the police are being overly cautious here or do you think this guy is an actual danger? I don’t know how these situations are normally handled. My mind is going into overdrive wondering what this person may have done in the past and its really unnerved me.

'Vanilla' is not the issue here. Consent is the issue. You did not consent to some of the things he did and some of the things he wanted to do. His reaction was to keep pushing at any boundary you set up, with extremely forceful methods. It sounds as if he is excited by overriding boundaries in any direction, rather than by particular sex acts. Very scary and you should absolutely not doubt yourself.

You're definitely not being "vanilla".

The videos on his phone would be a real red flag. Also pestering you to do things you'd already said no to is sexual bullying at the very least.

Its frightening how many men there are out there who hate women.

It sounds to me like you've had a very lucky escape, OP. And as others have said, this isn't you being too "vanilla", this is about him being wrong for you.

There's nothing wrong with liking the things you like. The things he likes, however, sound awful to me. Not just unpleasant, but dangerous.

You do seem unsure of yourself and your right to be treated with respect and kindness op. Why did you carry on after thd first time he treated you like this?? You might want to think about some counselling/ the Freedom Programme when this crisis is behind you. You are vulnerable and putting yourself at risk if you have such wobbly boundaroes about what is ok. What was your marriage like?
Hope you're ok.

No such thing as ‘too vanilla’. I’m as ‘vanilla’ as they come but I still really enjoy sex (and I mean REALLY enjoy) and I make no apologies for it. I can’t bear the idea of violence / pain / humiliation and they have no place in my life, least of all my sex life.

You are well rid of him OP. Let the police do their job.

Dagenham interesting you say that as I was going to say in my OP that I was sure he has a hatred of women. All of his ex girls friends had wronged him allegedly so that was a red flag too.

No such thing as too vanilla. Only do what you are comfortable with. You dodged a bullet there.

He sounds dangerous & deeply unpleasant - nothing wrong with anything in bed really, with mutual consent - this is the important bit. If you don't like something, or even if you do like it but don't fancy it at that moment, your partner must respect that.

Hope he keeps away now but at least the Police are onto him if he makes contact again.

Is there a way that you can report back to plenty of fish? A friend of DHs used that site for a while and has now decided to upgrade and pay for a dating site. It’s working out much better for him

Your boundaries are your own. It’s not about being too “vanilla”. You decide what your sexual preferences are. And of course whether or not you wish to engage in sexual activities. Your body belongs to you.

Why would you ask if you're too vanilla. You must understand his behaviour is wrong and it's not your fault? If you don't then, let me assure you, it's not your fault.

If the police are doing this and if they have told you he's not known for harassment then the logical conclusion this man has a history of violence towards women in his past. They wouldn't do it without reason. They are as they said, doing what they can, within the boundaries of the law to protect you.

They would not do it for two days worth of messing around. They would just tell you to log it and come back to them if it continues. The fact they are jumping tells you there is a criminal history with this man and his behaviour has sent warnings signs to them.

Gosh he sounds extremely dangerous. OP it may well be that there is a live investigation where the CPS does not believe meets the burden of evidence for a criminal prosecution.

Call the police if he turns up again, you might want to let your workplace know he's persona non grata and don't ever, ever, ever let him in to your home. No matter what he says.

Call the police if he turns up again, you might want to let your workplace know he's persona non grata and don't ever, ever, ever let him in to your home. No matter what he says.

Call the police if he turns up again, you might want to let your workplace know he's persona non grata and don't ever, ever, ever let him in to your home. No matter what he says.

Call the police if he turns up again, you might want to let your workplace know he's persona non grata and don't ever, ever, ever let him in to your home. No matter what he says.

Why did you carry on after thd first time he treated you like this??

Are you blaming the victim OP here?

If they think it's necessary I really really wouldn't assume it wasn't.

The too vanilla thing is ridiculous and really not relevent. The concern is that he was completely willing to ignore whether or not your reactions were enthusiastic and completely ignore your discomfort. That makes him very scary indeed even if you were doing regular vanilla sex. Add risky stuff in the mix and that's very dangerous indeed

I dont think the police are overreacting (I don’t think the police are known for this!) and I don’t think the things are vanilla. Nothing wrong with rough sex if both parties are happy with it, trust has been built etc but the way he was going about it sounds awful, very worrying.

I know you must be feeling like your instincts are off but I would try to consider that you have reacted well and protected yourself. You ended the short term relationship before any physical harm came, you contacted the police when he behaved strangely afterwards. Hopefully this won’t happen to you again, but if it does, next time you will undoubtedly react quicker to the initial red flags.

Good luck. This wasn’t your fault.

I have an ex that was like this. Be glad you are rid of him.

I do worry about how sexual aggression seems so ‘normal’ amongst young men at the moment that they feel they can openly behave like this and scary how he must have treated other women too.

I recently met a guy who asked me to meet him on his birthday and if I didn’t, he was going to book a prostitute. I said, you’re not joking are you and he backtracked (Professional intelligent good looking guy, not met online for context) but he said it so casually it was obviously his normal.

NoCure Thank you, your post is very true. It may not surprise you that my marriage was very abusive. When I left three years ago I did the freedom programme and had a lot of counselling. Only recently have I felt like I wanted to start dating again but this has highlighted that I do still need to work on myself and my boundaries. In hindsight I should have nipped this one in the bud straight away but for whatever reason kept telling myself I was over reacting which is not healthy. The fact that I’m even questioning my sexual boundaries and wondering whether I’m abnormal shows I really need to sort out the mess in my head.

The sex is absolutely and utterly irrelevant. It really is.

The police have told you this man is known to them. They have not told you what for, becayse they can't, but they have told you it wasn't harassment.

They have told you what they are doing is necessary. It could be anything from domestic violence to rape. Whatever it is, it's not about the sex you like, it's about the fact this man is known to the police and they have deemed it necessary to try to protect you from him.

Dating websites should have a function where people can log abusive behavior and then if there's frequent occurrences they get banned.

Not to vanilla, he sounds dangerous.