Who on earth was I dating? Feel sick.

[FeelingRattledToday]

Long time lurker here. I barely slept last night as I’m confused and a bit shaken about a situation in I’m.

5 days ago I ended a short term relationship with a man because his sexual preferences and general behaviour really freaked me out. Sex was becoming increasingly rough, for example, hair pulling and putting hands on my throat (not choking) without asking then apologising after wards saying he had got carried away. He had violent porn videos on his phone that his mates had sent him that he thought were funny but were actually sick and he insisted on showing me them. He said he wanted to fuck my face hard as it was a fantasy of his then proceeded to show me a video which was horrendous - he pointed out he wouldn’t be as forceful as in the video but it still freaked me out and I said no. He pestered for anal sex a lot and kept asking even when I said no. I’m not a prude and am up for trying new things but none of this sat well with me at all. It seemed like he wanted to dominate and humiliate me. He also made a comment about how he gets irritable and agitated if he goes without sex for a while which again seemed like a weird thing to say. So I ended it.

Cut a very long story short the police are now involved as since I ended it he spent two days harassing me by phone and even drove to my house and sat outside just watching my apartment. I haven’t heard anything from him after that but the police have said they are going to issue a harassment notice to him. I did query with them whether it was necessary as if I’m honest I thought perhaps their resources would be better used elsewhere as I thought clearly This bloke had given up. They said they can’t disclose specific information to me but they need to issue the warning for my ‘protection.’ Basically they’ve looked into this guys history and something has come up but I have no idea what and they can’t tell me.

They said they’ll call me after he’s been issued the notice and that if there is further contact from him after that he will be arrested.

This has scared me as I only recently started dating again after getting divorced. Do you think the police are being overly cautious here or do you think this guy is an actual danger? I don’t know how these situations are normally handled. My mind is going into overdrive wondering what this person may have done in the past and its really unnerved me.

Incarnation

But I would also caution the op from revealing anything - after all, you could be who you say you are, or you could be him / someone else.

Sorry if I'm posting badly, but it seems a coincidence. I hope I'm totally wrong, and I am so sorry if I am.

Incarnation, please don't question yourself or ask whether you are ruining his life? You ended up in A&E after being raped, he deserves whatever is coming to him for that and you should not blame yourself at all, look after yourself, lean on friends and family and maybe have some counselling. Such a horrendous ordeal he has put you through, you are very brave for reporting and may well have saved someone's life in doing so. Thank you xx

OP you are beyond brave and strong for nipping this in the bud when you did, especially as you've been in an abusive relationship before. YADNBU

Op you have dealt with this correctly I think. HIs behaviour is beyond sinister and having been a victim of assault in a realationship I would advise anyone to contact the police if they had any worries at all.

You're not too vanilla. Your sexual choices are your own preference. He simply tried to push his preferences on you.

Shameful to admit but I do very much enjoy what you described in regards to what he likes, however I wouldn't be pushed into it or do it with just anyone!

I'd definitely contact the police under Claire's law just to see what he's about.

Bloody scary. Thankfully the police seem to be on it though.
Take care

Incarnations
I hope you have support in real life. I am so sorry you are going through such an awful thing xx

Wtf is too vanilla

Incarnations I hope you are ok.

As it's such an awful subject, I just wanted to caution to be careful regarding internet safety. I'm glad you understand. (There have been so many deletions due to an op/ privacy issues, that this is a topic, where it would be sad if it went that way as well - people need support).

This thread is terrifying. I hope both the OP and @Incarnations have lots of real-life support.

Genuine question: if I encountered someone who the police warn me about in this way, can I put up a post warning others about him and using his photo (because he may be using a made-up name)? Or is this violating his privacy / legal rights in some way?

(I’m NOT saying you should feel in any way obliged to do this, OP. This is just a theoretical question.)

Never apologise for having a healthy sex drive.

A healthy sex drive is NEVER synonymous with a sexual appetite that is abusive and coercive.

OP.

I'm 'vanilla' and I love sex, and have great sex that doesn't involve pain or humiliation.

Don't doubt yourself OP and well done for getting rid and taking action.

I think a pp suggestion that dating sites have a warning button is a really good one.

💐 I’m so glad you did end it with him. You have made a lot of progress since your marriage ended, you’ll learn from this too.

His reason for being known to the police might be for abuse or rape, they only said ‘not for harassment’. It’s unsettling not to know, but I’d assume rape and let that part of this go. It really doesn’t matter why he’s known to them.

Look after yourself, spend time with people who love you and take some time to get your mojo back. The more I read on MN etc the more I think if I was in the dating game now I’d try a more old fashioned approach, friends of friends, interest groups/clubs, local pub. OD seems to attract the worst of the worst and it’s so hard to find the good ones.

Take care 💐

Op I would assume (from working a lot with police disclosure info at work) that he has a history of sexual assault or similar and that though he hasn't been charged there's more than one complainant so the balance of probability isn't in his favour.

You saw the red flags you acted got rid. This loon is no reflection on you x

Oh, and to answer your question...no, not wanting to have someone put their hands around your neck, have your hair pulled and be handled roughly does not make you ‘vanilla’. Nor does being appalled by the videos he had. Any bloke saying he wanted to face fuck me hard would be shown the door... if both people want any of those things, fine, but it’s fine not to want them too.

Sounds like my ex, it really does. He can be googled though but I do wonder if he's changed his name since prison. That really shouldn't be allowed but I guess they can lie.

Do convictions still stand under a new name? This is why I thought Cheryl Tweedy always changed her name around and was why she couldn't do the American X Factor.

You've done great OP and I hope the police continue to support you.

What a nightmare. In my experience men who enjoy very rough sex i.e the sort which leaves big bruises, regularly, DO have issues. Choking comes from porn, it's a newish thing I think and one I can't stand. Only takes a moment for it to go horribly wrong. He did sound quite extreme and disrespectful, at least on my spectrum. I hope you're ok and can move on soon without him lurking. What a creepy dick.

I've NC as this could potentially be outing and apologies for not rtft but I felt I had to post.

I'm married to a man who's girlfriend many years ago was murdered by a man who liked to watch violent pornography. She died by asphyxiation due to being strangled by her own tights during non-consensual sex. This was the kind of porn this guy liked to watch, amongst other things. His fetish was fed by the porn and one day he acted upon it which led to a murder. He is still in prison.

OP - you are definitely not "vanilla". You want loving sex with someone who loves you, not being forced into easily life-threatening situations. Please look after yourself, don't ever agree to meet with this guy again. I've seen the repercussions of what can go wrong and, even though I never met the victim nor the murderer, I live with what it did to my husband every day.

He could have changed his name. I found out my ex had been to prison for a violent crime before we met and I literally can't find anything about it on google. And he hasn't changed his name as I've seen his birth certificate. So just because nothing comes up doesn't mean he hasn't done anything.

In my opinion stalking is not taken seriously enough as a crime. It's incredibly upsetting, especially if there has been a previous indication of violent behaviour.

Nasty. I feel for you OP.

nasty. I feel for you OP.

I am sorry for what happened OP, and I agree with pps that you should log your complaint with the website. This man sounds vile. Abusive and controlling, and frankly a bit of a weirdo.

And of course, what happened is in no way YOUR fault, or down to anything YOU did!

Have to say (though I know this is not really helpful and is just my musings,) that I can't even imagine the sheer horror of having to go out dating again in middle age after 2 or 3 decades with the same person. (not sure if the OP is 45+ or not.)

I am ahem in my mid 50's, and have been with my DH for 35 years, (since we were 19/20,) and it makes me shudder to think of being with anyone else, especially intimately... I'm not gonna lie, we stopped being intimate around 5-7 years ago for various reasons (it's mutual, and we are happy together and affectionate, and have a good giggle together and spend time together and have lots in common,) but I have no desire to have sex again, ever. Not even with him. So no WAY would I be doing it with a stranger.

So if he left, (or died,) there is no way on God's earth that I would be having sex with another man - ever. I wouldn't rule out male company for drinks and meals and daytrips, but would not be having sex. And he would know it would never be on the cards as soon as we met.

How do people DO this? How do they spend many years with someone, and then get to 50-ish and then have sex with someone new? And why do men on these contact sites (who are also around 50,) always want to fuck on the first or second date? I cannot even get my head round meeting someone online and going for a date, let alone shagging someone on the first or second date... Not in my mid FIFTIES. It just makes me feel like

I wouldn't be having sex again with anyone, so literally cannot get my head around someone of 50-60 meeting someone online, and fucking them almost immediately.

A man who used to live next to me was 51-52 and divorced, (when he was 40,) and he used to pick women up off websites and in clubs, and bring them home, and you would hear them shagging in the room next door. One time one woman stayed and I saw her in our garden having a ciggie, and I recognised her, she was the wife ex-of an colleague of mine. She was 55. Her face hit the deck when she saw me, and within minutes she had driven off in her car! She was SO embarrassed.

But yeah maybe I am a bit of a freak, but if my husband died, or left me, there is no way in HELL I would be seeking a new man, hooking up with people online, and shagging them within a few days. I just think it's something people 35 and under should be doing, not middle aged and older IMO. In fact, I am pretty sure I would spend the rest of my life alone.