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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help repair my face before I think about dating

128 replies

Whydoilooksoold · 11/04/2018 01:05

Apologies for posting here but tried lifestyle/beauty and got no replies

Basically I am 51 but look older due to years of worry and stress with sick parents, domestic/emotional abuse during 24 year marriage and financial worries.

I have tentatively began to think about dating (sure no one will want me) but first I need to feel better about the way I look. I am considering a course of skin tightening using the Soprano Ice NIR laser but can't see much in the way of reviews. Has anyone tried it and found it successful. I know if only I looked better I would have more confidence.

OP posts:
marthastew · 14/04/2018 11:02

Hello,

There is some really good advice on here. Good skincare routine everyday, keep well hydrated and eat and sleep well.

You could also go and ask for some make up ideas from a make up counter. Get them to do your face and take away the ideas that you like. No 7 counters in big branches of Boots do it if you would like to stay away from the more expensive brands.

But it sounds to me like you are a lovely person who needs to build their confidence and get a bit of practice in meeting new people so what about taking up a hobby or an evening class where you can master a new skill and practice meeting new people? You'll get a boost from going along socially and learn a new skill? Without the pressure of dating if you see what I mean?

marthastew · 14/04/2018 11:05

Pottery, woodwork, sewing, knitting, painting, drawing, upholstery, hill walking, mosaic, stone masonry, metal smithing, jewellery design and making, local history?

peacheachpearplum · 14/04/2018 11:09

Whydoilooksoold I honestly don't think the laser thing would work on your neck as the consultant said that the effects are very subtle. Not that your neck is terrible but I just got the feeling that the laser had been hyped a bit and she knew I was after real results. It doesn't sound hopeful. My neck is terrible, I can't explain how odd it looks as my face is virtually line free (few lines at the side of my eyes and that is it) and my neck is like something you'd see on a wicked old crone in a Disney film.

It's not about men, happily married, not about lack of confidence or abuse or a husband who says nasty things. I'd just like a neck that matched my face!

Hope you get the result you want.

Original poster
Whydoilooksoold · 14/04/2018 11:52

Peachheachpeaeplumb I don't think it matters whatever your reasons are, if you want a part of you yo look better then that's it.

That's what I'm trying yo say I think, yes my husband was an idiot, violent and emotionally abusive but none of that has to do with me wanting to improve my face. I don't want everything I do going forwards to be about him. I want to look better for me first and foremost.

I'm sorry to hear about your neck. I wonder why that has happened? You are so very lucky to have no facial lines though. My worst area seems to be smokers lines and nose to mouth lines but I am beginning to think they are not as bad as I see them as being.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whydoilooksoold · 14/04/2018 11:53

To not yo

OP posts:
Veterinari · 14/04/2018 12:09

Simple things i’ve Done that have made a big difference
The ordinary:
Niacinanide, buffet and hyaluronic serum in the morning
Followed by Sunsense tinted spf (from amazon) and whatever moisturiser

Evening after cleansing, the ordinary 2% reinoid in squalane followed by rosehip oil (about 3-4 x/week)
Other nights the ordinary serums used in the AM followed by Nivea blue classic creme - thus is amazing for dehydrated skin and super cheap!

Apply all treatments to face, neck and décolletage.

Apply Smoothies line reduction ‘plasters’ To forehead frown lines. I was cynical but they are brilliant and make a notable difference

All cheap. All simple and after a couple of weeks there was a noticeable difference to my skin Smile

Veterinari · 14/04/2018 12:10

Oh! and learn to sleep on your back!

peacheachpearplum · 14/04/2018 12:13

I want to look better for me first and foremost. Exactly that.

TheStoic · 14/04/2018 12:19

In all honesty, I don’t think it’s your face that needs work before you start dating. Your ex did a number on you, and no miracle cream is going to undo that damage.

I also know that nothing anyone here can say will convince you of that, so do what you have to do and good luck.

springydaff · 14/04/2018 13:13

re drinking water: fill up a tumbler at the sink and drink it down in one. Do that regularly throughout the day.

sameoldsame · 14/04/2018 13:54

@Veterinari

Do those patches really work? I bought some cheaper ones for my eyes and they were rubbish. But these are 18£
Which is a lot!

Scott72 · 14/04/2018 14:12

Men are more forgiving of wrinkles than you may believe. If you have a nice figure then that is the main thing and you will do well. Keep your expectations modest though. If you are after a serious relationship, the most desirable men your age tend to look to younger women, and even if your complexion was as good as you would like it would make little difference.

Original poster
Whydoilooksoold · 14/04/2018 16:02

Thank you Scott72 but I am really not going to "keep my expectations modest" I am going to aim for exactly what I think I'm worth and what I want. If a man is decent enough and likes me for me then great, if not it's his loss.

The only settling I will be doing is settling for a good book if the man I want does not come along. Made do with second best for long enough I'm afraid.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 14/04/2018 18:47

the most desirable men your age tend to look to younger women

They look for and fail to find

Younger women don’t want saggy middle aged men unless they have a vast amount of money.

TatianaLarina · 14/04/2018 18:54

I want to look better for me first and foremost

Do you see that you wouldn’t feel the need to ‘look better for you’ if your self esteem was healthy?

While I totally understand the desire not to want everything to be about your ex going forward, you have to put the work in to properly neutralise the damage he has caused.

You have internalised his words that ‘no-one would want you’ as you are, so you feel you need to improve ‘for you’, when actually you are completely fine as you are.

tierraJ · 14/04/2018 19:03

I agree don't settle.

I'm 41 & I'm looking for either a younger man or one my age. Older guys can be a bit patronising because I look young for my age maybe or because I'm shy.

I meet lots of older patients & colleagues who have new partners in their own age group so actually it's normal for many men to look at women their own age.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 14/04/2018 20:26

Absolutely do not settle for anyone other than someone you want! As per my previous post (thank you, OP for your congratulations) I'm getting married in July to a man I met online who is two months older than I am (49 in August so I'll still be 48 in July).

Financially we are pretty equal but baggage wise I have more. He's the one who wants the formal commitment - marriage wouldn't worry me one way or another but, as it's important to him, that's good enough for me.

I really don't think that all men our age want someone much younger and I have been out with a fair few, both paid sites and free. I had loads of messages from much younger men and sent polite replies but wasn't interested in being Jocasta.

OP, I'm so glad that you can list all your positive physical attributes - as so many have said, you are focussing on your (five times magnified) self diagnosed "flaws" and ignoring all the lovely features you have - and that's just the aesthetic part!! All the very best with moving forwards.

Maggiepryor · 14/04/2018 21:22

Hi op, good luck in your journey sounds like you have exciting times ahead. I had rhinoplasty a few years back, had wanted it since 12 years old. Everyone told me I was mad and my nose was fine as it was but to me it was a big deal, and I had the means to change it so I did. It didn't turn me into a supermodel by any stretch but I just don't think about my nose now, whereas before it dominated what I saw in the mirror. So totally get the mission you are on. Some amazing tips on here and I am sure you will find stuff that works.

Scott72 · 14/04/2018 22:37

the most desirable men your age tend to look to younger women
They look for and fail to find

I did qualify that with "most desirable". If you want a man who's tall, trim, fit, good head of hair, professional job, confident, charming, funny then such men are attractive to younger women too.

Original poster
Whydoilooksoold · 15/04/2018 00:09

I agree that I could probably do with some kind of help "head wise" it's just that when I hear how domestic violence and emotional abuse has affected some women I wonder how I escaped relatively unscathed mentally.

Many women say they become frightened of men, timid, lack confidence socially etc yet none of these are true for me. I can walk into a room full of strangers and happily chat, go into a bar by myself and get a drink and I've been down to London by myself and stayed in a hotel, gone to the ballet and out for dinner afterwards. If I can do all of that do I really need help? I just don't know

OP posts:
Original poster
Whydoilooksoold · 15/04/2018 00:36

Yes Scott I agree to a certain extent, but there are some men who actually have the brains to realise that seeking out a woman much younger than themselves is not always the best outcome.

They manage to work out, that when their much younger lady hits 40 and is still keen to swing from the bedroom chandelier, they will by then be reaching for their inhaler and little blue pill. Their evening read of the "Kamasutra" will be replaced with "10 easy steps to beating erectile dysfunction"

So, although your list of attributes is desirable there are one or two I could live without.

"Good head of hair" nice but love the shaved look too

"Professional job" I don't care if he's a lawyer or a bin man, it's the man that counts not his job title.

"Confident" Can live without that. A man lacking in confidence would build that in time with the right woman

Keep us updated on your forthcoming wedding Lobster. Your man is proof that there are men out there with sense.

OP posts:
WellThisIsShit · 15/04/2018 09:12

Noticed two things I think would make a big difference before you go investing so much in procedures...

  • spf, you mentioned you don’t use and you’re outside quite a bit? I’d really focus on finding one that feels good on your skin as environmental factors have a huge role to play on our skin health.
  • water, particularly as wrinkles are your problem, drinking lots of fluids would help sooooo much! Plumping up your skin from the inside out is going to be a really great help, especially as most of these lotions and potions don’t really penetrate far into the layers of the skin (they can’t, or they’d not get FDA approval as an unliscensed cosmetic product, they’d be classed as a drug/ medicine). So drink lots more, and regularly, so your body gets used to it, rather than one deluge in a desert! It doesn’t have to be plain water if you hate it that much, but get fluids in through lots of other types of drinks, and wait a 6-8 weeks...

I know these are boring and annoying things to be changing, as they are the ‘little and often’ types of changes that are so hard to actually change in reality. But I would really recommend giving them a good go because, frankly, you’re worth it, and they both have significant health benefits as well as beauty benefits :)

Finally, I know I’m pandering and shouldn’t be giving this airtime, but I’ll just add in response to another errr, helpful, posters comment... a man who believes that all a woman needs to be is young to score highly, is not a good catch, whatever he may misguided believe himself to be, and is therefore irrelevant to this thread. Full stop.

TatianaLarina · 15/04/2018 09:13

If you want a man who's tall, trim, fit, good head of hair, professional job, confident, charming, funny then such men are attractive to younger women too

In my world that’s not ‘most desirable’ that’s just standard.

Take my recently divorced 49 year old friend, who is specifically looking for a woman his age so they share similar past life experiences and he doesn’t end up parenting her.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 15/04/2018 10:26

Thank you very much, OP! (I cannot use your username, sorry!) I think you sound absolutely great and really hope that whatever procedures you decide to go ahead with will give you the added belief in yourself that you feel you need (or felt you needed?).

I'm tempted to post a photograph of my partner and me to see if he's considered "acceptable" in the MN view, but a) that would be rather outing and b) it's my opinion that matters and he has DD's approval which is staggering in itself!

yetmorecrap · 15/04/2018 14:12

I see no issue in aiming high at all! Looking at some of the posts in relationships it seems some women have aimed remarkably low! Just to have a bloke around. We can all have marital issues with even what seem for many years to be 'good guys' but I am always suprised at the amount of useless feckless cocklodgers , sex pests and general losers who seem to find a reasonably nice woman to latch onto and are like this almost from the off.