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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

**Trigger Warning** Domestic Violence Title edited by MNHQ My parents

127 replies

Bel04 · 07/04/2018 19:37

I was just wondering if anyone else has a very negative relationship with their parents?

When I was 7 my dad walked into my bedroom and sat at the end of my bed and told me he was leaving. He didn't even give me a hug and then he left and I didn't see him for weeks and weeks. Until then he'd been coming in at 3am drunk and stinking of fags. He slept on the bathroom floor and shouted at my mum and slapped my brother and me so hard you could see the perfect red handprint afterwards. I saw him hurl my little brother into a TV and I didn't realise this was not what most Dads did. My mother just let it happen. She took pictures of the marks on our bodies but that's it. Idk where those pictures are today.

Later he got a grubby flat and eventually his own house. Me and my brother went to see him often. He drank and watched the rugby and we sat there and didn't really say anything. He would call me a useless selfish cunt almost daily and used me as a way to arrange meetings with my younger brother because he didn't have a phone (my brother). I think he hated me more and wanted less to do with me because I was a girl. One day he drank a lot and he tried to break my arm after smashing my little brother head against the wall. He was laughing while he did. I didn't speak to him for a long time until my grandmother (his mother) said he was very upset and encouraged me to speak to him. I was 13/14 at this time and again I still stupidly loved him. I never told a soul until much later on. He continued to call me a stupid cunt almost daily until a few weeks ago when I asked him for help with a medical issue which causes me to be in pain 24/7 and he his response was so vile it made me realise I didn't really need to be in contact with him at all. I'm still young and rely on my parents financially so this is obviously quite difficult. He wants to take my bother to Monaco and I don't know how to feel. I love my little brother so deeply and I worry about him. My brother hardly speaks and is very timid. He twitches and never leaves his room except to go to school. I sometimes think this is due to our upbringing.

My mother also says very spiteful comments regularly and is mentally unwell. She is on tablets for this but they don't seem to work. Growing up she never had food in the house and would clean obsessively for hours and spend hours having multiple baths/showers everyday. She still does this. Me and my younger brother worked hard in school, always got good grades and never made trouble. For some reason she would still make negative comments. The smallest tiff with a friend and she'd tell me i couldn't get on with anyone. I'd get all A's and Bs and she'd tell me about a friend of a friends child who got 5 A*s. She also made random comments about me being 'lazy and self indulgent.' I had three separate jobs whilst studying and always took opportunities in school. I took the hardest options (like triple science/extra stats gcse/even traveled to China as an extra curricular trip) yet I was never good enough. Id console her when she was upset and now I'm in constant pain and all she does is pass comments about me not working. My mother's behaviours also include screaming animalistic-ally or repeating a word over and over again "shit shit shit shit shit shit shit" whilst getting louder and louder and frantically scrubbing the floors with vinegar etc. On one occasion she even had a knife out and was threatening to stab herself and I had to coax the knife out of her hand. Sometimes I wish I hadn't. I was only about 14/15.

I wonder if anyone else has had such issues with a parent or both parents and how they deal with it cause sometimes I just want someone to hug me and tell me everything will be ok.

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Bel04 · 07/04/2018 20:03

Pls give me some advice with how to deal with this 😣 I just feel like everyone else's parents are v loving and caring etc etc

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OnTheRise · 07/04/2018 20:20

Your parents were horribly abusive to you, Bel.

In your place I'd speak to my GP and ask for counselling. It really helps, if you put the effort it.

I haven't seen my parents for nearly five years, because they are abusive and awful people. They are definitely not loving or caring. Therapy and counselling has really helped; so has reading the CaptainAwkward blog, which has given me so much help in dealing with difficult people.

See if you can get counselling. Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Find out ways to be more compassionate to yourself. I hope you find the peace you need.

HappyKatieA · 07/04/2018 20:20

Oh goodness, you poor thing.
This is not normal, and this is not acceptable, and you do not have to suffer it.
Is there anyone in real life you can trust / speak to? I'm guessing you're at school / college?
There are numbers you can call, like childline, but others too. Who's house are you at tonight? X

Bel04 · 07/04/2018 20:29

@OnTheRise I was gonna see if I could get counselling anyway as since shaving constant pain everyday since January I've been suffering with suicidal thoughts v frequently. Have a gp appointment Friday so will ask them. Thanks for being supportive. It took a lot of guts but since cutting out my dad I have never doubted myself. I think I have made the right decision. It just makes me wish I could also cut out my mum.

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Bel04 · 07/04/2018 20:30

@HappyKatieA I'm 18 so don't think I could call childmind or anything 😬.

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Bel04 · 07/04/2018 20:31

I'm at my nans house rn. Prior to this I was staying with my uncle but I couldn't stay there as he is an alcoholic (drinks a whole bottle of spirits every night). He said he's gonna cut down but I just feel safer with my nan especially after seeing my dad get very violent after drinking x

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Mumtothenipper · 07/04/2018 20:34

Bel, you can absolutely call childline. Please do.

This link has the info re them working with young people until 19.

www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/school-college-and-work/life-issues-planning/turning-19/

OnTheRise · 07/04/2018 20:35

Bel, if you're having suicidal thoughts you need to be seen today. There must be a walk-in service you could go to, or something. Anything.

You can cut out your mother if she's making your life better, not worse. It's sad to do it, but easier in the long run (at least, I've found it so). It does take guts, and people often don't understand that.

You're only 18, and have your whole life ahead of you. Just think of how wonderful things are going to be for you. It's going to be wonderful. I hope you manage to sort things out.

Bel04 · 07/04/2018 20:52

@OnTheRise unfortunately my constant pain is caused by a chronic illness called interstitial cystitis. Think things can only get worse tbh x

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Bel04 · 07/04/2018 20:53

I've been to the Drs many times and have even managed to tell some of them that I'm suicidal. They just don't do anything to help me. I feel so hopeless. X

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Cricrichan · 07/04/2018 21:04

Bel sweetheart, you've been abused and neglected and so has your brother. This isn't normal nor right. Speak to someone and get some help xxx

MrsBertBibby · 07/04/2018 21:04

Does your nan know what your parents do? What does she think? I assume your little brother is still living with mum? Could you talk to social services about the awful circumstances you and he are in?

You seem to me to be a quite exceptional young woman to have come so far, and achieved so much with such appalling parents.

Bel04 · 07/04/2018 21:10

@MrsBertBibby I definitely realise now I'm older that the way my mum and Dad have behaved has been really bad but they never hit us daily/regularly etc. I've never called anyone as I thought this was when you needed to call social services x

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Bel04 · 07/04/2018 21:12

I haven't told my nan everything but I've told her a bit. She witnessed my mum going off on one at me today. She started her weird nonsensical chanting again saying "you don't want to hear the truth" over and over and saying she can't keep me etc when I told her I didn't want to discuss Drs appointments with her as she has been v negative about my illness saying things like just pretend it's not there, that it will disappear in it's own etc etc.

My nan says it's not her place to get involved, only to listen x

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bobbinogs · 07/04/2018 21:15

You have achieved so much in really awful circumstances. You have been horribly abused and neglected. You have good instincts about how to keep yourself safe, there are people who will be able to help you and your brother. Are you at college? There will be a safeguarding officer you can talk to. That would be a good first step. You need to tell them everything. You can move forward and be Ok, it is possible. And then you will be able to help your brother. You are a good person, take care of yourself.

Mumtothenipper · 07/04/2018 21:18

@Bel, I’m not going to pretend I have any professional experience here that I can draw on.

Please do call one of the helplines. There will be specialists at the end of the phone who can listen to you and help you work through each day. You don’t have to know the answers to everything now. But they will ask the right questions to help you get through each day.

www.rethink.org/diagnosis-treatment/symptoms/suicidal-thoughts Has some good advice.

Childline are still there for you:

Phone: 08001111
Childline.org.uk

Also, the samaritans are always at the end of the phone.

Samaritans
Call 116 123
Email [email protected]

There may also be more local organisations to you that they could put you in touch with.

You’ve been through a terrible ordeal, but this doesn’t have to be your life story. You can move forward.

To have got to where you have you are clearly a strong lady. Sending you more strength.

QuiteLikely5 · 07/04/2018 21:21

If you feel up to it, on Monday you can go to your local council and ask to speak to the duty adult SW team. You can tell them everything mentioned here and they will help you. They can help you with accommodation and financially (for urgent needs only) but they will help you find out benefit entitlements etc

Your mother needs intervention as she is clearly mentally ill. As for your poor brother he also needs help.

This is why the duty SW team will be best place to go and help you all

user764329056 · 07/04/2018 21:23

Oh sweetheart, this is heartbreaking for you and your poor little brother, please call the numbers above and get some help and support, I am so sorry your life is like this, you deserve some happiness and if you make some calls you will find people who really care and can help, I wish I could do something for you, sending love and strength xx

Accountant222 · 07/04/2018 21:25

Bless you, I'm terribly sorry you have had such an awful upbringing, please act on the other posters advice and get yourself and your brother out of there, this is not a life for either of you, sending hugs

Bel04 · 07/04/2018 21:28

Have tears of happiness reading all these replies. Did not expect so much support thank you so much! I would never have thought to call childline but apparently they can still help me so will definitely give them a call. Probably a call I should've made a long time ago. I think I was just always left feeling conflicted because as a child I did love my parents a lot and I think that overshadowed a lot of what they were doing to myself and my brother. If I can do anything to help him I absolutely will, I love him to bits xx

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Applesandoranges1 · 07/04/2018 21:35

Goodness Bel you have had it tough. No one should have to deal with what you have gone through. How old is your brother? I would definitely talk to your GP about what is going on at home and hopefully, as PP have said, they will be able to refer you to social services. Are you still at school? If so, do you have a teacher you could talk to?

You are at an age now where the world is opening up to you and now is it time to take the steps in removing yourself from this toxic environment.

Well done on your exams and the extra curricular work you have done - it's a testament to your strength. Build on that and always remember how strong you are! Take it one day at a time and you will get there.

Sending you love and very best wishes!

HappyKatieA · 07/04/2018 21:38

I'm sorry I haven't responded again sooner; you absolutely can call childline, they can and will help.
I think you also need to, as they will help your brother.
It sounds to me like you've reached a crisis point, that's totally normal for someone who has had as much to deal with as you. What is now important is that you act on it, and then let others help you.
All the links you've been given above are great, when you call you need to make it very clear how you're feeling, they will take you seriously.
You've done a really brave thing coming here x

Falmer · 07/04/2018 21:42

Bel, I really don't know how you have managed to put up with this for so long. Please contact one (or all) of the services mentioned on this thread. You're so brave and strong, you can do this. Not sure, but Childline may be open 24 hrs so why not phone tonight? x

Falmer · 07/04/2018 22:15

Also Bel, I too have the pain of IC, it's awful. I have something called radiation induced cystitis, the consultant informed me it is the same symptoms as IC so you have my sympathy. It's just constant pain that even strong painkillers don't help. I've had an attack today and been in bed all day, but have dh looking after me so I don't know how you are managing this without support, never mind all the other stuff! Has your consultant/ doctor given you any helpful advice? I find the following helps: Lay in bed on back with knees up as long as poss. Hot water bottle where the pain is. Cut out caffeine, black pepper, spices, tomatoes (baked beans, etc), oranges, pineapples, oats (even oaty bars). Drink at least 2 litres of water a day. A level teaspoon of bicarbonate of soda (not baking soda/ powder) in half a mug of warm water 2 or 3 times a day as soon as pain starts. Ask gp for referral to gynae/ urologist rather than just urologist, as I believe there are some treatments available. I haven't tried any yet, just muddling through trying different diets at the moment. Hope this helps Flowers

Bel04 · 07/04/2018 23:41

Thank you all so much. I tried child line earlier and the man was very kind but for some reason I had a very bad connection. I think I will try again in the morning when I have a clearer head as been v emotional tonight. Will definitely try them again and am sure I will get a better connection next time. @Falmer it is so reassuring to hear there are others out there with this horrible condition and I'm not a complete freak of nature! Sorry for you're suffering, if you do find any more help for this illness please let me know it would make such a huge change to my life 💕. I haven't tried the bicarbonate of soda in water but most definitely will buy some in Tesco's and try it as soon as I am able to.

Just wanted to say thank you to all the kind replies. Literally poured my heart out and let out all these things that have haunted me for years and years. I know anonymity/online communication that isn't face to face isn't always a good thing as it always people to make death threats on Twitter etc etc but I have to admit it is much easier to say all of these things online than it would be to someone in person. This site was recommended to me by a friend and said I should join even tho I don't have kids cause of how much great advice is offered and I'm so glad I did. Have excellent advice from amazing strong women at my fingertips ☺️ thank you all so much. About to try and go to sleep and cannot believe how much better I feel ! Xx

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