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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

**Trigger Warning** Domestic Violence Title edited by MNHQ My parents

127 replies

Bel04 · 07/04/2018 19:37

I was just wondering if anyone else has a very negative relationship with their parents?

When I was 7 my dad walked into my bedroom and sat at the end of my bed and told me he was leaving. He didn't even give me a hug and then he left and I didn't see him for weeks and weeks. Until then he'd been coming in at 3am drunk and stinking of fags. He slept on the bathroom floor and shouted at my mum and slapped my brother and me so hard you could see the perfect red handprint afterwards. I saw him hurl my little brother into a TV and I didn't realise this was not what most Dads did. My mother just let it happen. She took pictures of the marks on our bodies but that's it. Idk where those pictures are today.

Later he got a grubby flat and eventually his own house. Me and my brother went to see him often. He drank and watched the rugby and we sat there and didn't really say anything. He would call me a useless selfish cunt almost daily and used me as a way to arrange meetings with my younger brother because he didn't have a phone (my brother). I think he hated me more and wanted less to do with me because I was a girl. One day he drank a lot and he tried to break my arm after smashing my little brother head against the wall. He was laughing while he did. I didn't speak to him for a long time until my grandmother (his mother) said he was very upset and encouraged me to speak to him. I was 13/14 at this time and again I still stupidly loved him. I never told a soul until much later on. He continued to call me a stupid cunt almost daily until a few weeks ago when I asked him for help with a medical issue which causes me to be in pain 24/7 and he his response was so vile it made me realise I didn't really need to be in contact with him at all. I'm still young and rely on my parents financially so this is obviously quite difficult. He wants to take my bother to Monaco and I don't know how to feel. I love my little brother so deeply and I worry about him. My brother hardly speaks and is very timid. He twitches and never leaves his room except to go to school. I sometimes think this is due to our upbringing.

My mother also says very spiteful comments regularly and is mentally unwell. She is on tablets for this but they don't seem to work. Growing up she never had food in the house and would clean obsessively for hours and spend hours having multiple baths/showers everyday. She still does this. Me and my younger brother worked hard in school, always got good grades and never made trouble. For some reason she would still make negative comments. The smallest tiff with a friend and she'd tell me i couldn't get on with anyone. I'd get all A's and Bs and she'd tell me about a friend of a friends child who got 5 A*s. She also made random comments about me being 'lazy and self indulgent.' I had three separate jobs whilst studying and always took opportunities in school. I took the hardest options (like triple science/extra stats gcse/even traveled to China as an extra curricular trip) yet I was never good enough. Id console her when she was upset and now I'm in constant pain and all she does is pass comments about me not working. My mother's behaviours also include screaming animalistic-ally or repeating a word over and over again "shit shit shit shit shit shit shit" whilst getting louder and louder and frantically scrubbing the floors with vinegar etc. On one occasion she even had a knife out and was threatening to stab herself and I had to coax the knife out of her hand. Sometimes I wish I hadn't. I was only about 14/15.

I wonder if anyone else has had such issues with a parent or both parents and how they deal with it cause sometimes I just want someone to hug me and tell me everything will be ok.

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Bel04 · 07/04/2018 23:42

*allows

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Brickswithstones · 07/04/2018 23:51

Sending you a virtual hug Bel. Please keep posting if it helps.

user764329056 · 08/04/2018 00:10

I wish you a peaceful restful sleep tonight Bel, you are being so brave, keep talking to us, we are here for you, sleep tight xx

Mumtothenipper · 08/04/2018 07:23

Hope you’ve had a restful night and slept well. Please do call childline back Bel, they will help you, and your brother.

Will keep watching this thread, glad it’s helping. You don’t have to shoulder your burdens alone.

MN is amazing, I’ve been lurking and reading posts for about 6 years, never posted much, but couldn’t read and run on your post. I’ve seen so many examples of excellent advice and support being offered.

Take care and sending you more strength.

bobbinogs · 08/04/2018 07:23

Keep going with this thread Bel, we're all here and want to know how you get on. Yes you have a big crowd of strong sensible women cheering you on now and all ready to give you comfort and advice. Draw on us and draw on all the real life help you can find. You're just at the beginning of your adult life and it's right that you take control of your situation now.

Groovee · 08/04/2018 07:43

You are the same age as my Dd and I couldn't imagine me or her dad treating her and her brother the way your parents have treated you and your brother. I feel so sad for you.

I definitely hope you can get the help to get out and I'm sorry that at such a young age you have such chronic pain.

Sending you lots of love and hugs x

Bel04 · 08/04/2018 09:38

Hi all, thank you for all your support. Yes, slept well and will most definitely call child line back. Will probably do it when I know I have a few hours to speak on the phone as there is a lot to go over with them (not all is posted in first post).

I also need to take action on what I was told by citizens advice two days ago about money issues. (My mum received 400 a month in child support but doesn't give me anything for food/clothing/transport/medical issue). They also said I can take legal action against the nhs for neglecting me.

Think it's about time I got all this sorted out. Thank you all for you're help it means so much x

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BusterGonad · 08/04/2018 13:49

Good luck bel you sound amazingly strong and your brother is so lucky to have such a caring sister.

Falmer · 09/04/2018 03:47

Bel, hope you're having another good night. I've had a bad day but just woke at 3.am as if nothing had happened! Pain gone and absolutely starving, weird! Talking about money, you could ask CAB if they think you would be entitled to PIP. Even the lower amount would give you a regular small income. The reason I say this is because I receive PIP and although I do have other illnesses, the assessor spent most of the interview talking about the IC. She was a nurse and it was her who told me about the bicarb. You have a lot to think about and do, best of luck with it all. I've just eaten a big dish of veggie stew which dh left for me Smile (hadn't eaten all day). Going back to sleep now, stay strong x

ChickenMom · 09/04/2018 04:00

Just wanted to send you huge hugs of support. What your parents have done to you and your brother is not ok. I’m glad you are at your nans and safe. Could your brother come stay with you too? It sounds like he has PTSD. He shouldn’t have any contact with your dad at all. He’s a vile abuser and you both deserve better. When you call childline tell them about your brother too. If you aren’t getting help from the GP, try a different doctor. Also, please do ring the Samaritans as they will have lots of local info for you. Social services can also help you. Keep posting on here too. We are all here for you. You’ve got all of us to listen and support you

Mumtothenipper · 09/04/2018 08:29

Good morning Bel.

What does Monday have in store for you?

It is that kind of rain here where the air just feels soaking wet. I have very curly hair which I spent ages straightening yesterday, I can just feel it frizzing and I haven’t even left the house yet.

I’m having a cup of tea and thinking about you. I hope you are had a restful night and are not in pain today. May the sun shine on you where ever you are.

Brew Flowers

Bel04 · 09/04/2018 11:59

Good morning all (just haha). My uncle dropped me to Barking yesterday so that I could see my boyfriend as we'd been apart for over a week. Having bad period pain which combined with my IC is a total nightmare. I woke at five and had to run to the loo and then did go back until 8/half 8 but was in complete agony curled in a ball. It gradually eased out to the normal constant pain 🙄 but still very bad so sitting in a boiling hot bath. Had to call private dr who said they still haven't sent fax to my GP but should do it today. Am at my nans again as my boyfriend took a day off work for his cousins birthday but there's no way I can walk around and go shopping and eat in a restaurant etc. Have not yet had another call with childline. My nan goes to dialysis at 3 so will have a long chat with them after that. Hopefully they can advice me about financial matters. Although Samaritans are excellent when you're in a state they don't give any advice and for me it's not very helpful unfortunately. Still cannot believe how much support I am getting here, it makes me feel like I can get my life on track xx

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Bel04 · 09/04/2018 17:40

Little update- called childline and got through to a lovely lady who listened to everything about me and my brother and both our parents as well as my constant pain and lack of treatment from NHS.

She recommended I just call back after my GP appointment Friday and let them know how it goes. When I said I was worried about finances she said I could call my local council and she also said I could maybe try staying with my uncle for a bit.

Slightly more helpful than Samaritans but considering I told them a lot of what was going on (things I haven't even mentioned in this thread) and relived some horrible memories (am literally sweating buckets rn) she didn't really give me any advice regarding me or my brother and preventing further issues with either of my parents.

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Applesandoranges1 · 11/04/2018 15:38

Hi bel. Just wanted to check in and see how you were doing? Have you got any relief from the IC? It sounds like you need a referral to urology for more specialist help.
Have you got any further forward with help with housing? X

Bel04 · 11/04/2018 16:16

Not at all, after childline weren't much help I tried PAPYRUS. PAPYRUS told me to try the mix for telephone counselling but I've called them many many times and gotten no where today. I stayed on hold for about 20 minutes and the phone just cut out. IC symptoms are still constant urgency and discomfort etc. Also some pain after peeing and stabbing pains when I need to pee. A huge mess. Bit shocked that mums net edited the title of my thread 😬 never even thought about possibly triggering someone, sorry if this was the case.

Am getting increasingly frustrated with the lack of help I'm getting. I've seen 3 consultant urologist. 2 were very unhelpful and the third I had to pay to see. He did recommend a treatment but I couldn't afford it so am seeing my GP on Friday and asking about an NHS referral for this avenue and also for physical and psychological support that I can regularly access whilst I wait. Praying all goes well and the doctor is receptive and understanding.

Period pin has also been excruciating, all through my abdomen and even in my back. Deep waves of aching pain and sharp stabbing pains. Don't know if the IC is worsening it or something 😣. Don't really want to speculate. I think when I'm finally under the care of a professional and kind urologist who knows a lot of IC in young women like myself that I will feel a lot more positive.

I've always felt as though I will escape my parents when I become financially independent and get a place with my boyfriend but being crippled by pain and unable to do anything had massively impacted my mental health. They've been quite cruel towards me over the years and I can't rely on them when I'm in situation like this.

Just this weekend I had a nightmare with my mother texting me, insisting that I am wasting time pursuing treatment in the NHS whilst also contradicting herself and insisting that any money I spend is a complete waste. She started chanting that "you don't want to know the truth" when I simply said that I didn't want to discuss my health with her. She also drove off with my glasses in her car. I txt her after she'd been gone less than 5 mins (had left me crying in pain after insisting I get out of her car so she didn't get stuck in traffic) and she continued to drive all the way home leaving me at my nans. I'm short sighted and if you have similar sight you'll know that it's near impossible to get around unless you are very familiar with the route etc. Complete nightmare.

Thanks as always for all of your continued support.

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Bel04 · 11/04/2018 16:17

*pain

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BlytheByName · 11/04/2018 16:50

What an amazingly strong young woman you are. Such academic achievements and strength of character. You're nan is lucky to have you.
I hope you can get some help for you and your brother. Good luck x

Bel04 · 11/04/2018 16:57

@BlytheByName wow thanks for your kind words. Idk about amazingly strong but I'm trying to get there haha. Going to try the mix line once more today and if I can't get through will just have to hope that the GP can offer some kind of help :) x

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zebrano · 11/04/2018 17:18

Hey Bel, I'll be honest, your parents sound awful. My dad is awful too and it took me until I was 35 to realise that it is emotional abuse. You seem so much more switched on than me at your age!

Have you thought about making a plan going forward? I know you are in loads of pain which makes things difficult. Even if you could get a part time job and rent a room in a shared house you'd get away from your parents. I think that it would be life changing for you to keep them at arms length. Stress can also hinder recovery and make ailments worse. You have definitely experienced childhood trauma and statistically you are more likely to be unwell in adulthood (have a google of the ACE test. Adverse Childhood Experiences test).

What's your boyfriend like, do you see him as someone you'll stay with for a while?

zebrano · 11/04/2018 17:27

Another idea Bel, what about looking at attending a support group called Adult Children of Alcoholics? I'm looking at attending a group myself. They also allow people who grew up in dysfunctional families.

I like the idea of speaking to people who grew up in a similar environment to me, and who won't judge.

Bel04 · 11/04/2018 17:28

@zebrano I'm sorry to hear about your struggles with your dad. Will have a google of that test now. I was thinking of finding a job I could do from home but have had a look online a few times and haven't had much luck :/. My boyfriend is absolutely wonderful. He's been very supportive of me through this horrible time and am staying with him at the moment. We met in February 2017 and have spoken a lot about getting a place together. He says he can't imagine being with anyone else and I really hope I get to spend my life with him.

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Bel04 · 11/04/2018 17:29

@zebrano at the moment travelling to support groups might be an issue with my pain but in the future I'd very much like to go to that kind of event.

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TammySwansonTwo · 11/04/2018 17:44

Sweetheart, I’m so sorry.

Have you seen a gynaecologist? Who diagnosed you with IC - your GP or a consultant? I think you might actually have endometriosis given your period Pain as well. At your age I was also misdiagnosed with IC and IBS. When you see the GP please talk to them about a referral to a gynaecologist who can investigate further.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/04/2018 17:46

Its not your fault Bel your parents are like this, you did not make them this way and nor did your brother. I would also try contacting NAPAC as they may be helpful to you. They will not judge and I believe they do phone counselling too.

Re your comment:-

Period pin has also been excruciating, all through my abdomen and even in my back. Deep waves of aching pain and sharp stabbing pains.

This could well be endometriosis; its a common cause of such pain particularly if it is ongoing. Have a read about endometriosis as well. It can also cause bladder problems.

Bel04 · 11/04/2018 17:55

@AttilaTheMeerkat @TammySwansonTwo I've had 4 ultrasounds, would they show endometriosis or is this unlikely? I saw an emergency gynaecologist in A and E and she said I didn't have any gyneo issues so when I was referred I told them I'd seen a gyneo who was positive I didn't have any gyneo issues just urological issues and she urged me to get my referral to see a urologist expedited so I did. I'll raise this with my GP on Friday and ask if I can be referred to a gyneo or urogyneo for further exploration.

@zebrano my ACE score was 7. Shocking to know that statistically higher scores can lead to drug use, alcohol use and increased risk of mental and physical illness like suicide attempts, cancer and heart disease.

I've personally cut and did attempt suicide at 14/15. Luckily not suffering from any of the physical issues I saw listed as they sound horrendous and seem to be life threatening. I have in the past used drugs at a young age but stopped almost a year ago. A lot of the research and stats did resonate with me which was scary. Was glad to find that unlike many sites it was very positive and focused on how good relationships with grandparents and friends could help to counteract the negative effects of bad experiences in childhood.

Thank you all for your kind words. Will do a bit of reading on NAPAC xx

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