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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

**Trigger Warning** Domestic Violence Title edited by MNHQ My parents

127 replies

Bel04 · 07/04/2018 19:37

I was just wondering if anyone else has a very negative relationship with their parents?

When I was 7 my dad walked into my bedroom and sat at the end of my bed and told me he was leaving. He didn't even give me a hug and then he left and I didn't see him for weeks and weeks. Until then he'd been coming in at 3am drunk and stinking of fags. He slept on the bathroom floor and shouted at my mum and slapped my brother and me so hard you could see the perfect red handprint afterwards. I saw him hurl my little brother into a TV and I didn't realise this was not what most Dads did. My mother just let it happen. She took pictures of the marks on our bodies but that's it. Idk where those pictures are today.

Later he got a grubby flat and eventually his own house. Me and my brother went to see him often. He drank and watched the rugby and we sat there and didn't really say anything. He would call me a useless selfish cunt almost daily and used me as a way to arrange meetings with my younger brother because he didn't have a phone (my brother). I think he hated me more and wanted less to do with me because I was a girl. One day he drank a lot and he tried to break my arm after smashing my little brother head against the wall. He was laughing while he did. I didn't speak to him for a long time until my grandmother (his mother) said he was very upset and encouraged me to speak to him. I was 13/14 at this time and again I still stupidly loved him. I never told a soul until much later on. He continued to call me a stupid cunt almost daily until a few weeks ago when I asked him for help with a medical issue which causes me to be in pain 24/7 and he his response was so vile it made me realise I didn't really need to be in contact with him at all. I'm still young and rely on my parents financially so this is obviously quite difficult. He wants to take my bother to Monaco and I don't know how to feel. I love my little brother so deeply and I worry about him. My brother hardly speaks and is very timid. He twitches and never leaves his room except to go to school. I sometimes think this is due to our upbringing.

My mother also says very spiteful comments regularly and is mentally unwell. She is on tablets for this but they don't seem to work. Growing up she never had food in the house and would clean obsessively for hours and spend hours having multiple baths/showers everyday. She still does this. Me and my younger brother worked hard in school, always got good grades and never made trouble. For some reason she would still make negative comments. The smallest tiff with a friend and she'd tell me i couldn't get on with anyone. I'd get all A's and Bs and she'd tell me about a friend of a friends child who got 5 A*s. She also made random comments about me being 'lazy and self indulgent.' I had three separate jobs whilst studying and always took opportunities in school. I took the hardest options (like triple science/extra stats gcse/even traveled to China as an extra curricular trip) yet I was never good enough. Id console her when she was upset and now I'm in constant pain and all she does is pass comments about me not working. My mother's behaviours also include screaming animalistic-ally or repeating a word over and over again "shit shit shit shit shit shit shit" whilst getting louder and louder and frantically scrubbing the floors with vinegar etc. On one occasion she even had a knife out and was threatening to stab herself and I had to coax the knife out of her hand. Sometimes I wish I hadn't. I was only about 14/15.

I wonder if anyone else has had such issues with a parent or both parents and how they deal with it cause sometimes I just want someone to hug me and tell me everything will be ok.

OP posts:
Falmer · 11/04/2018 17:55

Bel, just recovering from another bout of IC myself. Don't forget to ask gp if you can be referred to uro/gynae rather than urologist, I think they're the ones who deal more with IC, waiting for appointment myself. Also, have been told that cranberry juice makes IC worse, whereas with normal cystitis it helps. Here's a funny little story: was at my gp's this morning, in a lot of pain, looking very poorly and dressings on hands and arms from blood tests (nurse had difficulty drawing the blood) and a little boy (about 5) was watching me sympathetically. He then advised thoughtfully "just cry".Grin

OhBergine · 11/04/2018 18:00

@Bel04 I also have IC, I'm sorry for the fact that you have to deal with that, let alone the horrific actions of your parents. I am so sorry for you and your brother. PM me if you want to chat. I hope you get some help, you deserve to.

Bel04 · 11/04/2018 18:05

So sorry there are so many women who seem to be suffering with this horrible illness, will avoid cranberry juice at all costs haha xx

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/04/2018 18:06

Bel

Endometriosis does not show up readily on internal ultrasound scans. I have endo myself and have also had more such scans than I care to mention; none of these saw the extensive endometriosis.

Bel04 · 11/04/2018 18:12

Ok thanks for the info @AttilaTheMeerkat. It was suggested to me by the urologist I saw privately that they wanted to do a cystoscopy (camera inside bladder) but I couldn't afford it. I'm quite keen to have that done as I thought it might show any issues. Other than pain, pressure, aching, stabbing pain and general discomfort in that area I also get very intense urgency like I'm busting for a wee and sometimes even right after I go I still have this. There's definitely some issue with my bladder but I can see how endometriosis could be the cause as if tissue is growing outside of the womb and the bladder is right underneath it it very much makes sense that my bladder could be effected.

My symptoms did come on overnight however and I don't know if this would happen with endometriosis? I've also considered that I could have a chronic urinary infection and have booked a private appointment with Professor Malone Lee but it's not till June. Hopefully I'll have had some success by then though and won't need to go. It is also quite expensive.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/04/2018 18:18

I would keep the appointment regardless with the Professor.

TammySwansonTwo · 11/04/2018 22:28

It wouldn’t show up in scans I’m afraid (well, sometimes they can get hints if they really know what they’re looking for, but I’ve never had anything show up on a scan). The gynae who told you that you definitely don’t have any gynae issues is an idiot who needs to go back to medical school - unless she has the amazing ability to see inside your pelvis with her bare eyes!

Which country are you in?

A friend of mine had endo in her bladder and ureter, and I have scar tissue that makes it feel like I’m peeing through a pinhole with a lot of cystitis type Pain but it comes and goes depending on inflammation.

Have they tried you on any meds like amitriptylene? I hope you get some answers, I know how hard this is (and I’m sorry; I know that’s not what this post is about but wanted to raise it anyway).

StaplesCorner · 12/04/2018 00:30

Bel are you willing to say which area you are in e.g., north east or south west etc so that we can look for more sources of support? Personally I'd be recommending you talk to the NSPCC because you need practical help rather than listening. You could also try Women's Aid - www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/ - what you have been through is domestic abuse, but perpetrated by your parents.

shooshoopoopoo · 12/04/2018 01:11

Bel, i am so sorry to hear of your illness and of the difficulties you suffer wuth your abusive parents. You sou d a resilient and resourceful young woman. Well done you!

Did you say how old your brother is? I am a bit worried that he is subjected to the same sort of abusive parenting as you are and think you need to consider that best way to safeguard him. Your Nan has been really decent to support you and she obviously has her own health issues, but she is wrong to say she can't do anything but listen. ANYONE who believes a child is being subjected to abuse is expected to report it so that the child's safety is assured. Either you, or she shou,d contact your local social service office and ask for advice about what to do. I would urge you to do this ASAP.

Sally2791 · 12/04/2018 06:10

How dreadful for you. Please phone the helplines as suggested, and get help for yourself and your brother. Your parents behaviour is appalling and not your responsibility. Good luck

Bel04 · 12/04/2018 08:26

The NSPCC website is directing me to call childline but I've already done that and they basically just said to call them back and keep them updated. I live in the south east. Had a horrible panic attack last night. Luckily my boyfriend was excellent but I feel terrible for keeping him up at night when he has work.

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Bel04 · 13/04/2018 11:26

Just a little update for you all, still having pain/urgency 24/7 but saw the GP this morning and she told me my referral to see Mr Swallow the urologist is saw privately has been done. She was very nice and has given me a number for NHS counselling/CBT etc. I'm being called at 3.15 today for an assessment. Finally feel like I've got an action plan for dealing with the pain and hopefully having it resolved or reduced. Hoping that a counsellor can also help with family issues. X

OP posts:
StaplesCorner · 13/04/2018 13:37

That's good news Bel well done for getting this sorted with GP - keep posting.

Falmer · 13/04/2018 14:09

Well done Bel, hope the assessment goes ok.

MrsDilber · 13/04/2018 14:20

Genuinely, I think you're amazing. Please follow the advice for help, you deserve peace in your life, you deserve happiness.

Sending a big, sincere, virtual hug your way.

Peaceinthevalley · 13/04/2018 15:27

Ohhhhhh my goodness.. what you have been through. This brought me to tears. You do not have to live like this. You and your Brother are being physically and emotionally abused @Bel
Please please contact the NSPCC or speak to a teacher or friend's mother, anyone that you can trust. Your Mothers/fathers behaviour is NOT your fault. They have some very serious mental health issues, but you shouldn't have to suffer this abuse.
You absolutely MUST get help, please I am sure that you are terrified and you love your mother, but this situation is not tenable.
Is there a family member such as aunt or cousin etc that you can talk to.
Please Bel reach out to someone before it is too late.
You have taken a brave, huge step in coming here.... you are so strong, brave, intelligent and articulate....please get out of that house and make a new life with the amazing qualities you have. You do not need abusers in your life and neither does your Brother. Take care and pm me if you want to.

Bel04 · 13/04/2018 17:34

Have done my assessment. Spent an hour on the phone but the lady was lovely. She was very helpful, referred me for CBT recommended a drug I could try and gave me the name of a book I should read and some online information. As far as telling people about my parents, I have done. My paternal and maternal grandmothers, my uncle (maternal) and my aunt (paternal). My aunt and paternal grandmother also witnessed one of my dads outbursts at Christmas 2016 and raised concerns about me living with him (which I was doing at the time) but never really did anything about it. I looked online and the NSPCC suggest you call childline which I have already done and told them the majority of what I'd experienced with my parents I was shaking and sweating by the end of the call after reliving some of the worst times in my life. I don't want to call again only to be told I can call back and 'chat' another time to be honest.

The good news is I have a referral to see Mr Swallow as soon as the 20th in the NHS for my suspected interstitial cystitis and know he is a good Dr and trust him from my previous experience with him. Thanks for all your kind words it does mean a lot to me to know people do care :) xx

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StaplesCorner · 14/04/2018 01:19

I'm a bit surprised at the way the NSPCC and Childline have handled your calls Bel - how old is your brother? I think a call to social services might be more helpful but I don't want to suggest to you that you have to keep telling the story over and over again. Excellent news about the referral and how that's all progressing - one day at a time for now maybe.

Bel04 · 14/04/2018 12:19

More emotional/verbal abuse from my mother today. Apparently I "need to get a life" and "haven't been in any pain." Apparently I "just sit around all day." Lovely woman my mum, really helps me stay positive. Trying to let it go over my head 🙃

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Bel04 · 14/04/2018 12:22

She also wants to know what I'm going to do financially, personally I'd like to know why I don't see any of the money she's given for the purpose of supporting me and my brother. No food in the house so gonna have to go out and buy food with money kindly given to me by my nan. Walked into my mums house yesterday and she has 4 large sofas, 2 smaller sofas, 2 big armchairs and a foot rest and is having the bathroom floor redone. I guess it doesn't matter if your kids are hungry as long as you have enough sofas for 5 families...

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StaplesCorner · 14/04/2018 12:56

How old is your brother Bel is he still at school?

Cobblersandhogwash · 14/04/2018 13:01

Bel, you've had a really really bad time.

I'm not surprised you feel so awful and low.

Your parents are really bad parents. I'm so sorry that you were landed with such awful people who didn't take care of you and who abused you so badly.

I hope you can access all the help that is listed here on this thread for you and your brother.

None of what they did to you is your fault. You are/were a child.

I hope you can find the help to recover and heal and love yourself and your brother.

Bel04 · 14/04/2018 13:18

Sorry for having a bit of a rant, just exhausting dealing with all these problems. Being in pain has really just made me need someone to reassure me and help me but my parents just accuse me of exaggerating and are very cold towards me. My younger brother is 14. I don't want to ring around anymore if I'm being honest because I'm tired of doing so. I have been honest and open with all the people I've spoken to and nothing positive has come of it.

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BettyBaggins · 14/04/2018 13:21

Sorry if you wrote already, is your brother living with your Mum? How old is he? Is your Mum physically abusive to him?

Flowers
BettyBaggins · 14/04/2018 13:23

Oh and if you arent living with Mum now she shouldnt be getting any bens for you?