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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

**Trigger Warning** Domestic Violence Title edited by MNHQ My parents

127 replies

Bel04 · 07/04/2018 19:37

I was just wondering if anyone else has a very negative relationship with their parents?

When I was 7 my dad walked into my bedroom and sat at the end of my bed and told me he was leaving. He didn't even give me a hug and then he left and I didn't see him for weeks and weeks. Until then he'd been coming in at 3am drunk and stinking of fags. He slept on the bathroom floor and shouted at my mum and slapped my brother and me so hard you could see the perfect red handprint afterwards. I saw him hurl my little brother into a TV and I didn't realise this was not what most Dads did. My mother just let it happen. She took pictures of the marks on our bodies but that's it. Idk where those pictures are today.

Later he got a grubby flat and eventually his own house. Me and my brother went to see him often. He drank and watched the rugby and we sat there and didn't really say anything. He would call me a useless selfish cunt almost daily and used me as a way to arrange meetings with my younger brother because he didn't have a phone (my brother). I think he hated me more and wanted less to do with me because I was a girl. One day he drank a lot and he tried to break my arm after smashing my little brother head against the wall. He was laughing while he did. I didn't speak to him for a long time until my grandmother (his mother) said he was very upset and encouraged me to speak to him. I was 13/14 at this time and again I still stupidly loved him. I never told a soul until much later on. He continued to call me a stupid cunt almost daily until a few weeks ago when I asked him for help with a medical issue which causes me to be in pain 24/7 and he his response was so vile it made me realise I didn't really need to be in contact with him at all. I'm still young and rely on my parents financially so this is obviously quite difficult. He wants to take my bother to Monaco and I don't know how to feel. I love my little brother so deeply and I worry about him. My brother hardly speaks and is very timid. He twitches and never leaves his room except to go to school. I sometimes think this is due to our upbringing.

My mother also says very spiteful comments regularly and is mentally unwell. She is on tablets for this but they don't seem to work. Growing up she never had food in the house and would clean obsessively for hours and spend hours having multiple baths/showers everyday. She still does this. Me and my younger brother worked hard in school, always got good grades and never made trouble. For some reason she would still make negative comments. The smallest tiff with a friend and she'd tell me i couldn't get on with anyone. I'd get all A's and Bs and she'd tell me about a friend of a friends child who got 5 A*s. She also made random comments about me being 'lazy and self indulgent.' I had three separate jobs whilst studying and always took opportunities in school. I took the hardest options (like triple science/extra stats gcse/even traveled to China as an extra curricular trip) yet I was never good enough. Id console her when she was upset and now I'm in constant pain and all she does is pass comments about me not working. My mother's behaviours also include screaming animalistic-ally or repeating a word over and over again "shit shit shit shit shit shit shit" whilst getting louder and louder and frantically scrubbing the floors with vinegar etc. On one occasion she even had a knife out and was threatening to stab herself and I had to coax the knife out of her hand. Sometimes I wish I hadn't. I was only about 14/15.

I wonder if anyone else has had such issues with a parent or both parents and how they deal with it cause sometimes I just want someone to hug me and tell me everything will be ok.

OP posts:
Bel04 · 14/04/2018 13:32

My brother is 14. My mum isn't physically abusive. My dad has been in the past. He is picking my brother up in about an hour. I have NC with my Dad at the moment. My mum is definitely mentally unwell but I don't know what is wrong with her. I know she's been in medication before and she does have very strange behaviours. According to citizens advice I'm legally homeless. For the last few years I've been moving around from place to place ping ponging from my mums to my dads, spending large periods at my dads (approx 18 months) as well as spending a lot of time at my boyfriends house and more recently my nans house as well as my uncles house.

OP posts:
Bel04 · 14/04/2018 13:37

Even when I stay with my mum she doesn't buy enough food for me and my brother. She just this morning had told me to go shopping to get food if I'm hungry. Since I've just recently been diagnosed with a chronic illness I want to eat a healthy diet (excluding triggers), get plenty of rest and try and remain as stress free as possible to avoid the disease flaring up and causing me lots of pain. My mum is not supportive at all. I made it out to the shops with her and my nan a few days ago and ended up in so much pain I was crying and couldn't get out of the car by the time we got back to my nans. My mother bought three teas whilst we were out, she told me she had got me a decaf. Because I've lived with her long enough to know she lies about everything I asked her if it was definitely decaf and she then said no it's not, but it won't hurt. Caffeine and alcohol are some of the main triggers for IC. She keeps telling me I need to be worrying about money and also told me the trust my Dad opened for me many years ago isn't my money and I'm not entitled to it when it clearly is as I am 18 and the bank opened the account for me straight away especially when I stated that I needed access to the money because of health issues which I was struggling to get help for on the NHS.

OP posts:
BettyBaggins · 14/04/2018 14:04

Wooooh up there a mo.

Citizens advice are doing good by you so far.

I know you have had enough talking and opening closed wounds for no good result but I do wonder if a previous suggestion of contacting social services could help. Your brother should not be in the care of either of your parents by the sound of it.

What would be an ideal situation for you? NC with both parents? The care of your brother concerns me. Is the Gran you stay with maternal or paternal? Could the others offer support?

TheZeppo · 14/04/2018 14:18

Sorry you didn't feel supported by ChildLine. I've volunteered with them in the past and am also a teacher. If you'd reported this to me (at work) then I'd be referring it to safeguarding officer and we would contact social services.

As your brother is 14 and at real risk from your father, could you contact social services directly? Would speaking to the police be an option for you regarding the assaults your father committed?

TheZeppo · 14/04/2018 14:20

Just wanted to add I think you're being exceptionally brave and you sound remarkably together given everything you've been through Flowers

Bel04 · 14/04/2018 15:05

Unless social services are gonna put a roof over my head, support me financially and can promise me that I won't have to see either of my parents how am I suppose to call social services and tell them about all this. If they then contact either parent/investigate it will just make them both act in an even more hateful way towards me than they already do.

OP posts:
shouldnthavesaid · 14/04/2018 15:32

You sound bizarrely like me.. I actually thought you were me for a moment - difference is I'm 8 years older than you though.

I'm trying to learn how not to write my entire autobiography via mumsnet so won't write much but similar life experiences and similar health stuff going on (same diagnosis of IC and suspected endometriosis), if you want a chat at all just send me a pm Flowers

Bel04 · 14/04/2018 16:06

@shouldnthavesaid please tell me it gets better. Xx

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Bel04 · 14/04/2018 21:14

My mum literally text me from downstairs saying there's food if I'm hungry (like I would just not eat dinner) so I go downstairs and there is a box from chinese with just rice. Nothing else. Such a nutritional dinner 🙄. I would put more effort into feeding a pet than this. The problem is there is no food in the fridge I could even cook myself either. It's just boxes of wine and her Greek yoghurt that no one else is aloud to eat. I'm so hungry and miserable.

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StaplesCorner · 15/04/2018 00:04

So Bel can we just recap - can you live at your Nan's permanently? Is she willing to take your brother on as well, and have all benefits/money etc transferred to her? Whose mum is she, your mum's mum or your dad's?

If your brother is staying with your mum most days does she give him any food?

Bel04 · 15/04/2018 00:22

My nan has a generic condition called acute intermittent porphyria which runs in our family. Because of this she can't have a lot of drugs as they cause her illness to have a massive flare up. Two years ago they gave her a tablet which she told them she couldn't have and ended up in ICU and on dialysis etc due to sepsis which lead to organ damage. She has to go to the hospital for most of the day every other day, leaves at 3pm gets back around 9pm. She can't drive and is very ill. She gets tired very quickly. I try and do as much as I can for her when I do stay but I still feel like I wear her out just by being there really. She just lost her mother (my great nan) and her husband (my grandad) this year and only just finished the paperwork etc and selling of cars and property that belonged to them. I really don't think she'd be able to have myself and my brother living with her. Plus she only has a two bedroom. Xx

OP posts:
Bel04 · 15/04/2018 00:22

She is my maternal grandparent x

OP posts:
Bel04 · 15/04/2018 00:24

Idk everything my brother eats but I know he doesn't eat at all whilst at school and often complains to me that there is no food and that he is hungry. If I then raise the issue with our mum he then says he is not hungry and never said that as though he is scared or something. It's very difficult x

OP posts:
Neolara · 15/04/2018 00:41

I'm sorry life is so tough for you.. Is there any way you can tip off your brother's school about some of the issues? His form tutor or head of year.

StaplesCorner · 15/04/2018 01:30

Neolara that's what I was thinking - esp. if his father wants to take him out of the UK. And Bel I can see why you can't go to your Nan full time but I bet she welcomes your company TBH. Are you still in full time education, are you able to work at all? How about your boyfriend is that a supportive relationship?

I think you would be eligible for housing for young people, because your family broke down a long time ago and no one has noticed. This could be in either a foyer-type project or a YM(W)CA house, or there are charities that can help but you'd need a referral from your housing office or social services - its not really tenable for you to remain at home and at least you'd have access to your own money either from wages or benefits. This would be a safe place for you to concentrate on your own health. Have the CAB got a plan together for you for housing? Are you able to tell us what part of the country you are in?

Bel04 · 15/04/2018 01:54

Sorry what's the CAB? I live near London. Boyfriend is very supportive. I'm not gonna go to my brothers school and start coming out with accusations against my parents. For one thing I'm in ridiculous constant pain (so no I'm not studying or working rn) and this has also caused me to have panic attacks. They're gonna question me and I'm gonna feel so uncomfortable and anxious. I can't go through this process while I'm physically like I am. X

OP posts:
BettyBaggins · 15/04/2018 07:13

CAB is the citizens advice bureau.

How would you feel if someone else reported your brother was being starved for you?

gingergenius · 15/04/2018 07:38

Young minds can help. I'll find the link

gingergenius · 15/04/2018 07:42

Young minds can help. Brilliant charity to help young people struggling with their mental health. Your mother sounds psychotic, possibly schizophrenic and very disturbed. Your little brother is traumatised and your home environment is horribly abusive. Please please call nspcc/childline/social services/ anyone and get yourselves out. So sorry that you have all been subjected to this. Please please phone someone. Your nan is also complicit by standing by and doing nothing.

https://youngminds.org.uk

ThanksThanksThanks

gingergenius · 15/04/2018 07:50

Sorry just read your updates. You MUST call social services. This is neglect.

Rosielily · 15/04/2018 08:00

This is dreadful but you have received a great deal of very useful advice here and I hope you are finding it helpful.

You are now 18 and have a supportive boyfriend.
I am concerned about your brother who is significantly younger than you. Who is supporting him? Could you and your boyfriend together contact his school about the abuses at home?

Are the organisations you've contacted aware of your brother's situation?
Is he getting any support at all?

As others have said, social services need to be involved, with him too.

BettyBaggins · 15/04/2018 08:10

Op, you mention you have told a number of members of family, have you explained your brother isnt being fed properly? He will be hungry, how can we help you to get him safe and fed?

Bel04 · 15/04/2018 08:22

I might just end this thread here, I'm being asked the same questions over and over again and given the same advice over and over. I never said my brother was being "starved" just what he complains to me of being hungry and also doesn't eat all day whilst at school and that there is often little food in the house.

OP posts:
gingergenius · 15/04/2018 08:30

Bel please don't take offence. From the outside, it's clear to see that your brother is being neglected. No-one is being horrible to you but sadly you've been subjected to this for so long it seems normal. It's not. Your brother should not be hungry. He should not go through school all day without eating. Your mother is neglecting him and social services need to be involved.

GlitteryFluff · 15/04/2018 08:34

This situation is awful op.
Sorry this has become your norm.
But please help your brother, and in turn you. Call social services.