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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating and being fat

104 replies

myteadontlie · 07/04/2018 09:37

As the title says. I have been single for 5 years and have an impression that the main reason I haven't got a partner or even bf is the fact I am fat. I wear size 20/22, 5ft8, weighing 18 stones. I try to look after myself and I don't think I am hideous but still just too big.
Over the last year I have lost 2 stones, was size 24 before, which made me feel better and I hope I can keep loosing but it takes so much time and in my age (39) weight comes off so slowly!

To sum up, I don't feel happy and accept myself the way I am, but I think I am pretty good at covering it and come across as a confident person. But still not sure how it all affects my dating. I always mention in my description I am curvy/large but have mainly face pics or upper body parts pics. If it comes to a date, it usually is just one date. I feel that most of the men I find attractive, don't find me attractive enough because of my body. I am told I have a pretty face and a lovely personality but it seems not to matter enough to keep a guy keen.

I had a fwb for a while and while he is somehow attracted to me, I know he likes slender women. I used to meet him because the sex was really good and he was never disrespectful, but in low moments I felt rubbish, knowing that he drools over his slim and young co-workers. The other guy I kept meeting for a couple of months seemed to really like me for 'me' and claimed he 'loved' my looks (especially the face again!)... and tbh I felt like he was the 1st one that I felt fully comfortable around both when out and in bed. But he couldn't commit and eventually confessed he still loves his ex, so I just cannot keep thinking of him or use him as good example of matters between me and men, as it still is painful, despite the fact it has been a year since we parted.

Anyway, I wanted and want to move on and start dating again but the thought of going over it again and 'putting myself there' doesn't make me too excited, mainly because of my looks. On the other hand I am so lonely and have zero chances of meeting new men in my real life (tried!) so realistically OLD is my only option.

To sum up- how do you do it, dating wise, curvy/big ladies? How do you present yourself on your profiles descption and pics wise, and how do you behave when meeting men in person? Do you get any dates and do they lead onto sth long term? I am not a fan of all that 'flaunt' it attitude, I just try to behave in a normal and not too overpowering way... also there is so much said that its the inside that matters, personality etc. but still I cannot get rid of impression that being fat/big -more often than not- does actually stop you from getting a boyfriend or a partner.

OP posts:
MrsTylerJoseph · 07/04/2018 09:40

Sadly I think you’re right and most guys aren’t interested in bigger women.

I’ve lost a stone and have got down from a size 18/20 to a. Size 16/18 but still need to lose weight.

userabcname · 07/04/2018 09:41

Well I know someone in her fifties, a size 20/22 and she met someone OLD last year and they are now picking out engagement rings...don't give up!

myteadontlie · 07/04/2018 09:45

Yeah... sometimes I am thinking though at various women who are even bigger than me and DO have partners-how come then? What have they got that I haven't?
Last year my work colleague started dating a guy, way younger and fitter than her... and she is my age and slightly bigger than me. Now they live together, they moved in together despite the fact she has 2 kids and he had to relocate and find a new job. And to clarify-they are both decent people, he is a professional guy, high earner, and not some cockoldger. Just makes you wonder!

OP posts:
Ediemccreedy · 07/04/2018 09:46

Most men fall in love with a person not a body shape. You sound lovely. The FWB set up probably knocked your confidence. There’s a lovely man out there who will love you for you.

EverythingsDozy · 07/04/2018 09:47

If you find the answer, let me know. I'm a size 16/18 and have a bit of weight to lose. Combined with the fact I have two kids, I can't seem to find someone who is interested in me. All those people who bang on about how it's all about personality... well I must have a rubbish one of them too, because this face and body isn't doing anything for me!

cushioncovers · 07/04/2018 09:48

I agree, online dating is all about the photo. I'm Seven years single, I'm fat but active and have good personal hygieneGrin I work and love my job but am skint, I'm generally happy but not had so much as a cup of coffee with someone.

All of the people I know who've met someone online and it's worked out have been younger, career people who look attractive. The ones like myself who haven't had any success are older women who are bigger or average looking.

I still hoping I meet someone in RL and regardless of our appearance we get on well and have a lot in common with the same morals etc but it hasn't happened as of yet.

Bluntness100 · 07/04/2018 09:50

I think there are men who prefer a larger woman, but in reality most people wish someone within a healthy bmi. It's very different being with someone who then becomes overweight, to actively looking to meet someone in that category who is possibly physically bigger than them.

I don't think it's simply aesthetics, or even what body shape turns them on, it's also about health, ability to do things and lifestyle choices.

You've done great on the weight loss., if I was you, I'd keep trying to meet someone whilst also focusing on getting yourself to a healthy weight. It's just a smaller pool you're swimming in date wise, but the pool exists. Good luck. You've got it all to play for.

Fuckingitupforfree · 07/04/2018 09:52

Be honest with pictures so people know exactly how you look. Yes, people fall in love with a person, not a body but there has to be a first date and if you use full-length pictures you at least know they find you physically attractive if they ask you out.

fantasmasgoria1 · 07/04/2018 09:53

My ex had a friend that wouldn’t even look at a woman unless she was size 20 plus! I see loads of women and men that are plus size with partners so obviously it happens?!

myteadontlie · 07/04/2018 09:55

Well, yes, even if you look at adverts of dating sites, you see this above average pics of hot guys and really pretty women.
Now, I can make an effort and dresss up and do hair and make up and nails and look way better than on every day basis, but I won't be doing it for every coffee date as its just not me! I have no will or money to do it often because a) It only makes sense if you have a big occassion coming b) if a guy likes you for styled hair and fancier make up, he will expect that always and might not want the everyday you.
So! I am happy to wear heels and dress up on a special occassion but my everyday wear and make up is rather casual and natural. But! Inam always fresh, well kept and feminine-just not overly 'dolled up'. Is seems like its not enough though.

OP posts:
allthegoodusernameshavegone · 07/04/2018 09:56

All of my larger mates (me included) are either married or in a relationship but most of my single friends happen to be slim some are obsessed with their weight and I think can come across as being self obsessed which is off putting. Hang on in there and just be you.

Mooey89 · 07/04/2018 09:59

OP I’m a size 18-20 and 5”10- I was a 20-22 when I met my fiancé.

I did do lots of OD and never had much success, I met my Fiancé at work! He’s slim, good looking, kind, amazing.

Don’t give up, different people are attracted to different things.

Bluntness100 · 07/04/2018 09:59

I think you're now bringing in secondary issues.

You started off with weight being the barrier and now you've moved to it not being dolled up being the issue.

Yes most people going on a date will make the best of themselves, hair, make up and do so appropriately for the situation. No one wants to be overly dolled up getting a coffee, you clearly don't need to wear a dress and heels, that would be silly, but conversely making little to no effort isn't going to work wonders either when trying to attract a partner.

But you have jumped from one issues to a whole other one. From weight to how much effort you put into your appearance.

myteadontlie · 07/04/2018 10:00

And re activities. I don't look my weight I am told, I am quite muscular😂 and quite active for someone my size. So I might not hit the beach or swimming pool ecstatically but I often cycle, happily go to watch sports and easily do my 10k steps everyday... so I am not some lazy ass who sits with crisps in front of the telly. But yes... gotta keep trying to lose more weight.

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 07/04/2018 10:01

Over 60% of men are overweight or obese in the UK, so why not date someone who's also overweight?

myteadontlie · 07/04/2018 10:04

Bluntness no, don't get me wrong. I still think weighg can/is be the main problem, I mentioned all this dolling up and being/not being active matters as they are so often associated with being bigger. So many people just think that fat equals no effort with looks and being out and about. So fat=laziness. While it is not the case at all, but all this matters kinda come together if you think what makes a person attractive or not. Hencr me talking about these, too.

OP posts:
BumpInTheOven · 07/04/2018 10:06

I ended my marriage at a size 22/24... and didn't date for 4 years... within that time I just focused on me and went down to a 14/16... and still didn't meet anyone anyone (worthwhile) 2 years later something pretty traumatic happened and went back up to a 20/22 after which I finally got together with my DP..

So don't give up.. it takes time to meet someone right for you x

MMcanny · 07/04/2018 10:10

I have a friend who’s a larger lady and never had trouble pulling. She’s currently in a ltr with a young professional hottie. She says there are ‘special interest’ websites for dating as some guys are just into bigger girls. Good luck!

myteadontlie · 07/04/2018 10:12

I would be happy to date an overweight man if I liked him and he was funny and respectful. One guy I met for about 4/5 dstes actually was overweight and way older than me, and I initially wasn't 100% into him but NOT because his looks but his situation ( not wanting a family as already had 3 kids). But I was thinking I should give things a go and be a bit more flexible etc. He dropped me like a hot stone and started dating a woman his age soon afterwards, a good looking ( and slimmer) one. They are still together 2 years on

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 07/04/2018 10:13

Make it known somehow on your profile that you are on the larger side.

Attraction matters. Especially in the beginning.

There are men who like larger ladies though so I wouldn’t let this put you off.

Or reverse it and if there was a man the same size as you but that was not conveyed in his picture then how would you feel?

Personally I’d not be happy about a misleading photo. Regardless of how nice the person was when I showed up!

RidingWindhorses · 07/04/2018 10:13

It may be that being the same age they had more in common. Her weight may have had nothing to do with it.

myteadontlie · 07/04/2018 10:18

Yes, they might have more in common, true. But also, the fact that she is waaay hotter, does stick out.
I always mention I am large in my profiles, just not puttig the whole body pics up. I guess I will start doing it, just to be 100% sure they know what I look like.

OP posts:
drspouse · 07/04/2018 10:19

I don't think it's simply aesthetics, or even what body shape turns them on, it's also about health, ability to do things and lifestyle choices.
I disagree. I think it's mainly superficial.
I was a lot larger when I was doing OLD (BMI about 32?) and so many men said "oh I just don't find you attractive. I was mid 30s, dressed well, healthy and had just done a round London walk (150 miles I think over a few months).
I met my now DH online but not on a dating site.

MadisonMontgomery · 07/04/2018 10:21

Honestly, I don’t know. I am a size 16 - not huge, but too fat for OLD I think. I even joined a plus size dating website but it just seems to be overweight men who want a slim partner!

PsychedelicSheep · 07/04/2018 10:33

My friend (a slight, skinny guy) LOVES larger women and exclusively dates them. He uses dating websites for BBW (big, beautiful women).

I know no one wants to be fetishised but it’s a legit dating site as far as I’m aware, not just a hook up thing. He’s had a few long term relationships with women he’s met on there.

The issue is, I think many men are attracted to bigger women but because they want to date people that their friends fancy/approve of they overlook them in favour of a more socially normative type, even thought they’re not as attracted to them.

I think this gets better with age as maturity, as men begin to care less about what others think of them and become more comfortable with going for what makes them happy.

My friend used to get quite a lot of ribbing when we were young about dating ‘fat chicks’ but no one blinks an eyelid anymore and rightly so.

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