Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating and being fat

104 replies

myteadontlie · 07/04/2018 09:37

As the title says. I have been single for 5 years and have an impression that the main reason I haven't got a partner or even bf is the fact I am fat. I wear size 20/22, 5ft8, weighing 18 stones. I try to look after myself and I don't think I am hideous but still just too big.
Over the last year I have lost 2 stones, was size 24 before, which made me feel better and I hope I can keep loosing but it takes so much time and in my age (39) weight comes off so slowly!

To sum up, I don't feel happy and accept myself the way I am, but I think I am pretty good at covering it and come across as a confident person. But still not sure how it all affects my dating. I always mention in my description I am curvy/large but have mainly face pics or upper body parts pics. If it comes to a date, it usually is just one date. I feel that most of the men I find attractive, don't find me attractive enough because of my body. I am told I have a pretty face and a lovely personality but it seems not to matter enough to keep a guy keen.

I had a fwb for a while and while he is somehow attracted to me, I know he likes slender women. I used to meet him because the sex was really good and he was never disrespectful, but in low moments I felt rubbish, knowing that he drools over his slim and young co-workers. The other guy I kept meeting for a couple of months seemed to really like me for 'me' and claimed he 'loved' my looks (especially the face again!)... and tbh I felt like he was the 1st one that I felt fully comfortable around both when out and in bed. But he couldn't commit and eventually confessed he still loves his ex, so I just cannot keep thinking of him or use him as good example of matters between me and men, as it still is painful, despite the fact it has been a year since we parted.

Anyway, I wanted and want to move on and start dating again but the thought of going over it again and 'putting myself there' doesn't make me too excited, mainly because of my looks. On the other hand I am so lonely and have zero chances of meeting new men in my real life (tried!) so realistically OLD is my only option.

To sum up- how do you do it, dating wise, curvy/big ladies? How do you present yourself on your profiles descption and pics wise, and how do you behave when meeting men in person? Do you get any dates and do they lead onto sth long term? I am not a fan of all that 'flaunt' it attitude, I just try to behave in a normal and not too overpowering way... also there is so much said that its the inside that matters, personality etc. but still I cannot get rid of impression that being fat/big -more often than not- does actually stop you from getting a boyfriend or a partner.

OP posts:
Benandhollysmum · 08/04/2018 20:16

If men don’t like you for who you are then that’s their loss not yours. Stop blaming your weight I’m a skinny beanpole and I call the larger ladies perfectly plump..they’ve got curves where curves should be..and yes this skinny Minnie here is jealous I’ve not a boob to call my own lol
You make it sound as if youre over the hill and not worthy of people’s time..maybe that’s the vibe your giving off to these guys or the guys are just looking for a one night stand, they meet you once you don’t give them what they want so they don’t contact you again- I’ll bet 8/10 guys were hoping something from you and you didn’t give it to them, or they were married..so don’t put their attitude all on you.

You just lost your sparkle and hope..I hope you get it back again
Describe yourself as big bubbly and beautiful and believe in your own hype..

Alison100199 · 08/04/2018 20:26

I think you need to be honest OP. Using terms like 'curvy' is hiding the fact that you are fat. OLD is brutal and the only way to survive is by being honest so you attract people who can see you for what you are. If you don't want to lose weight then show you are fat and then guys know up front. Then it doesn't become an issue when you meet them.

TheSnootiestFox · 08/04/2018 20:42

And what Alison says. Not least because as someone who would genuinely describe their body shape as curvy it means people will always think I'm fat Confused

smilethoyourheartisbreaking · 08/04/2018 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PookieDo · 08/04/2018 23:08

Curvy is OLD speak for ‘not skinny’ and has a wide range of meanings!

I’ve been various sizes from 18 to a 10

Can I just say to you that obviously health reasons are important to be healthy, but please do not place your happiness with a man on being skinny. When I was a 10 I may have looked less fat than I do now but I lost all my boobs 😭 and it was really hard work as my body just doesn’t want to be that size, so constant miserable battle. and I did not have any better of a love life than when I have been a size 16. In fact I got more interest from men who just wanted sex and nothing else (so shallow) than any of them trying to get to know me. I have fallen into size 14 territory (creeping 16 now) and this seems to have been the best middle ground for not driving myself mad with what I eat, and also men bothering to talk to you properly and not just be sleazy on you.

You will find your middle zone where you aren’t making huge compromises and are happy, and you need to find your confidence. You are interesting and that’s what’s really important

SparkleBuns · 09/04/2018 00:26

Its all about confidence! Don't be ashamed of your body. Put on an outfit that looks and makes you feel good and get a couple of attractive full length pics on your profile.

I'm a confident and sexy size 20 and had a fair few OLD dates that went really well, then I met my fiance. :) hang in there!

moviesgirl · 09/04/2018 07:50

haven't read the whole thread but this struck me "...but have mainly face pics or upper body parts pics...." i think you are setting yourself up for a fail with this and would suggest you show a pic that is a good likeness so that the men are not under any false impressions. That way you'll weed out those men looking for a slimmer woman.
Keep going on the weight loss, you have done well.

Shoxfordian · 09/04/2018 07:54

Yeah you shld put one or two full length photos on there so whoever you're talking with has an accurate idea of what you look like

I'm the same size (ish) as you OP and I met my lovely boyfriend who I now live with online so don't be discouraged

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 09/04/2018 10:11

Being overweight won’t help unless you want to date someone who has a weird fetish about big women.. Utter bollocks.

I am overweight (not hugely, but by the sound of some of the posts on here, enough to be judged!) and I have met lots of regular blokes who fancy me. My DP’s ex looks like Barbie so he definitely doesn’t have a fatty fetish, he just loves and fancies ME!

Sn0tnose · 09/04/2018 16:19

Being overweight won’t help unless you want to date someone who has a weird fetish about big women

Aww Fishcakes did someone you fancy reject you in favour of a bigger person? Is that why you tell yourself it's a weird fetish instead of a normal attraction to a physical appearance? Like fancying blondes, or tall people, or very slim people?

CarlsRightEye · 09/04/2018 18:48

I know how you feel, but there has got to be someone out there for us x

smilethoyourheartisbreaking · 09/04/2018 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 12/04/2018 11:38

I don't think it's a fetish, but if you're overweight and what you're really saying is you don't want a partner who is also overweight, you prefer to be with a man who has a healthy bmi, then you prob fit in with what the majority look for in a partner, irrelevant of your own size.

If however you're a healthy weight and you prefer obviously underweight men, then well, yes, that could be seen as a bit of a fetish. It would certainly be unusual.

So really it depends, what does thinner than you actually translate to.

Orlandointhewilderness · 12/04/2018 11:45

Not sure. I think that yes, you have a smaller pool of people who find you attractive but there are still plenty of men out there for you! i have varied over the years between a 12/14 up to a 22. i had least luck as a 12! i have never been short of male attention, i have had a long period of being single due to choice. now i am in a LTR with a wonderful man who loves my body and my size. i met him OLD but we were friends only for the first couple of years.

Pinkvoid · 12/04/2018 11:45

Some men prefer bigger women. In fact there’s a whole fetish out there for BBW to an extent some men pay substantial amounts just to be sat on by morbidly obese women Confused. That probably wasn’t helpful but I was trying to say that many men out there prefer it to slender women. You only have to look at Nick and Tess Holliday really... he is fairly average size and she is a size 22. It happens. However I would say your insecurities and low self esteem are getting the better of you here. You seem to lack confidence in yourself and that is something men find hugely unattractive. You need to work on that first.

Orlandointhewilderness · 12/04/2018 11:46

Just RTFT - really!?! a weird fetish!?! Charming! maybe it is a fetish that i find slimmer guys attractive or i like tall men or kind ones!?! Honestly!

SleepFreeZone · 12/04/2018 11:51

I suspect it’s a combination of having three children, your age, your weight, your lifestyle - for example if you work full time they are likely to think when will she have the time to fit in dates? With three kids they might think about their own kids and having to blend families or you expecting them to play daddy.

It’s rarely one thing.

TinaTop · 12/04/2018 12:38

The reality is that anyone you want to date likely has a number of other options, and in most cases will prefer someone of an average weight. A man might like your personality, but there are another dozen women with equally great personalities and smaller waists who he could date instead. In my experience, larger ladies tend to pair off with gentlemen who don't have the option of dating average weight ladies. And larger ladies who are only interested in the type of guys who have other options often end up alone. Harsh but true - men were interested in me as a size 10 but as a size 16 I might as well be invisible now!

Peanutbuttercups21 · 12/04/2018 12:58

Do you prefer bigger men OP?

I often notice couples are around the same size

Bluntness100 · 12/04/2018 13:23

Just RTFT - really!?! a weird fetish!?

I think we all know some men do fetishise it, we all hear about feeders, women who deliberately gain weight to be morbidly obese, men who explain how certain things turn them on, like fat rolls, fat apron etc. However they are very much the minority, and whilst most people, Male or female, do not actively seek out an obese or morbidly obese partner, many do and don't fetishise it, it's just the body type they prefer.

Many people also fall in love with someone irrelevant of weight, so where as in general it may be a small pool , I think the fetishists are a tiny part of that pool, so I wouldn't really get hung up on it.

I don't think it's a good idea to be with a man who does fall into the fetishist category though, someone who would actively Keep you overweight or try to make you bigger, because that's not healthy, in any context. A good man who loves you for who you are, irrelevant of size is really where it's at.

AloaBoa · 12/04/2018 13:25

Be honest in your photos, men can see you're larger if you have an accurate, full length photo. They'll only pick you if they like your photo so an accurate one will weed out those who like slimmer women only.

Don't mention your weight in your profile. It'll attract men with fat fetishes or who are looking for an insecure woman they can mess around.

Present as confident in yourself. Be honest about who you are. Then you'll attract someone who likes you for you.

BlondeB83 · 12/04/2018 15:11

I made my size clear when I was online dating, something to the tune of 'I'm not thin so if that's what you're looking for please don't waste your time'. I also posted a full length photo. I was a large size 16 at the time and had a few dates, all of which wanted a second. I met my DP (who is now my DH) after a month, he is tall, slim and gorgeous! I think it's about confidence and finding someone with shared interests so it's not all about the looks when you first meet.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 12/04/2018 15:25

If I am honest, I wouldn't go for an obese man because I am very active, love running, cycling, mountain biking etc and would want someone who could do all that with me.

For me it's not an aesthetic thing at all, but a lifestyle thing.

Orlandointhewilderness · 12/04/2018 15:53

larger ladies tend to pair off with gentlemen who don't have the option of dating average weight ladies

This has not been my experience at all! I can see where you are coming from - the gorgeous people end up together syndrome but I haven't really experienced it at all. My XH was very good looking, as was a few of the other men I have had relationships with. And I meant turn heads in the street good looking. Shame the majority were complete gits eh! My BF now isn't classically good looking like the X's but he is certainly a handsome man, just in a different way.

LearnFromThePast · 12/04/2018 15:56

I was a size 24 when I met my now husband, although I should say I am 6ft 2.

I never had any issue getting dates, but I made sure that I always had a full body picture up and stated clearly in the bio that I was plus size. That basically weeded out those people who didn’t want to date a plus sized woman and also meant no one felt conned as I carry most weight on my stomach and wouldn’t look plus size from a head and shoulders photo.

I never apologised for my size and I do think a lot of attraction comes down to confidence. However, I met my husband by widening my search area a bit at the start as I figured it widens the pool of men a bit.

I was on POF and Tinder.