Dating and being fat

[myteadontlie]

As the title says. I have been single for 5 years and have an impression that the main reason I haven't got a partner or even bf is the fact I am fat. I wear size 20/22, 5ft8, weighing 18 stones. I try to look after myself and I don't think I am hideous but still just too big.
Over the last year I have lost 2 stones, was size 24 before, which made me feel better and I hope I can keep loosing but it takes so much time and in my age (39) weight comes off so slowly!

To sum up, I don't feel happy and accept myself the way I am, but I think I am pretty good at covering it and come across as a confident person. But still not sure how it all affects my dating. I always mention in my description I am curvy/large but have mainly face pics or upper body parts pics. If it comes to a date, it usually is just one date. I feel that most of the men I find attractive, don't find me attractive enough because of my body. I am told I have a pretty face and a lovely personality but it seems not to matter enough to keep a guy keen.

I had a fwb for a while and while he is somehow attracted to me, I know he likes slender women. I used to meet him because the sex was really good and he was never disrespectful, but in low moments I felt rubbish, knowing that he drools over his slim and young co-workers. The other guy I kept meeting for a couple of months seemed to really like me for 'me' and claimed he 'loved' my looks (especially the face again!)... and tbh I felt like he was the 1st one that I felt fully comfortable around both when out and in bed. But he couldn't commit and eventually confessed he still loves his ex, so I just cannot keep thinking of him or use him as good example of matters between me and men, as it still is painful, despite the fact it has been a year since we parted.

Anyway, I wanted and want to move on and start dating again but the thought of going over it again and 'putting myself there' doesn't make me too excited, mainly because of my looks. On the other hand I am so lonely and have zero chances of meeting new men in my real life (tried!) so realistically OLD is my only option.

To sum up- how do you do it, dating wise, curvy/big ladies? How do you present yourself on your profiles descption and pics wise, and how do you behave when meeting men in person? Do you get any dates and do they lead onto sth long term? I am not a fan of all that 'flaunt' it attitude, I just try to behave in a normal and not too overpowering way... also there is so much said that its the inside that matters, personality etc. but still I cannot get rid of impression that being fat/big -more often than not- does actually stop you from getting a boyfriend or a partner.

Many people have experienced being dumped for someone hotter OP, that's not specific to weight.

psychedelic What if your friend's GF doesn't want to stay large forever?
I lost 3 stone after meeting DH (deliberately). I was healthy before and did a lot of exercise but wasn't fit IYSWIM, and I improved my eating after getting together with him as he has diabetes so had a much better handle on what was wrong with my diet.

Op, you've nothing to hide. Put up full body pics. There is no point hiding it, briefly indicating it in the blurb, and hoping the guy doesn't mind on meeting. At least that way you know you're meeting a man who is attracted to you and not waste your time.

There is nothing to be ashamed of in being larger, but I do think in this context you need to own it.

I'm fat and now in a relationship with someone I met in real life.

Before that, I did some internet dating and overall it was a positive experience.

I put one full length picture of myself on my profile but didn't make any reference to being curvy/ fat/ whatever. I just put a funny one liner on there, can't even remember what it related to, but not my weight.

I got a good amount of positive attention, won some lost some. Some guys were probably put off by my weight but lots weren't. I'm mid 40s so the men out there my age are no oil paintings either. I actively swiped left in the super fit ones, I didn't need the rejection, and concentrated on men who had something in common with me.

DP is slightly chubby, less so than me, though. I told him at one point that I was a little self conscious about my weight and he reassured me he loved and fancied the whole package. He treats me really well, generally, so that's helped with my overall confidence.

I wouldn't mention it in the blurb, unless you have to specify a body type, as that immediately draws attention to it and suggests you're not comfortable. But I would put up some decent, full body length pictures.

Brutally honest? Yes it's probably going to put some men off. You might be dating from a smaller pool. But there will still be plenty of guys for whom it isn't an issue.

I think most people prefer someone who is healthy. It’s about biology, fat equals sick and humans do not wish to reproduce with a person who is sick. It sounds really cruel to put it this way but we are animals after all. Why not join a slimming club and loose the weight? Be the best version of yourself, you’ll be happier and healthier.

I am not attracted to overweight men so when I was a 16, understood why I wasn't attractive to the men I was attracted to. I didn't mind if they were a bit bigger than average but I mean larger than that.

As a motivation to lose weight, I set up a fake profile over a weekend with the same wording I used on a different dating site at my larger size. The number of men I would have wanted to talk to, increased hugely. It was the turning point for me. I'm now a 12 and dating happily.

I had a large friend who did a lot of online dating who never got past the first date. From her photos (all old pictures or head shots) you would think she was a size 12. False advertising.

It would be the equivalent of blokes posting photos of themselves from 20 years ago. I would be less than impressed.

Also, just saying curvy/large could well mean a size 14 if your photos are misleading.

I know no one wants to be fetishised but it’s a legit dating site as far as I’m aware, not just a hook up thing. He’s had a few long term relationships with women he’s met on there.

I don't really understand why anyone would view an attraction to a larger body type as a fetish. A friend of mine will only date super slim women, under a size 10. Another will only date men who are excessively muscle bound gym goers. They aren't seen as having fetishes, it's a sexual attraction to a particular body type. So why is that considered socially acceptable, but a similar attraction to a large body type has to be some weird fetish?

I get that it may be less conventional than an attraction to someone who appears fit and healthy, and I agree that there is a big distinction to be drawn between an attraction to a larger size and a feeder who wants their partner to be housebound, but I think suggesting it's a fetish shows a lack of understanding of why individuals have different tastes.

Psychedelic Please know that I'm not suggesting that this is what you said or what you meant. I've just seen the fetish word used so many times in relation to larger people so wanted to comment on it. And I think your suggestion for the OP to visit a BBW dating site is very sensible. There are websites for bikers, alternative lifestyles, gym goers, people in uniforms etc. Why not join a site full of people who are actively looking to date someone just like you.

There are LOADS of websites about muscle fetish and there are dating sites for people who want to date very skinny people too.

Snotn0se - yeah I couldn’t agree with you more. It absolutely shouldn’t be seen as a fetish, it’s just a preference like anything else. Just a slightly less socially conventional one.

drspouse - I don’t know, that’s a good point. His current gf who is lovely, I don’t think she would try to lose weight as she’s very happy with herself and comfortable in her skin.

I think most people prefer someone who is healthy.
And when I was about BMI 32, healthy and active? And dates were just saying "sorry you're too big for me" even though I was suggesting country walks as an activity?

It’s bullshit that all fat people are ‘sick’ and unhealthy. Skinny people are just as likely to be unfit and have a poor diet too.

BMI is not an indicator of health and fitness. I have a friend who is on the larger side (maybe size 20?) and she runs half marathons regularly.

The body positivity (bopo) stuff in instagram has really helped me accept my body as it is. I’m a 12-14 and would kind of like to lose a stone but meh, I’m not too bothered about it.

Loving your body makes you feel and appear sexier than anything else I think.

I feel that most of the men I find attractive, don't find me attractive enough because of my body.
Maybe the men you are aiming for are not the ones for you are your standards too high?

Reading this with interest. I’m a 14-16 and have absolutely zero body confidence (or face confidence, come to think of it ) I hide in thick makeup and baggy tops. I hardly ever show bare skin, even when it’s hot.

I’ve been single for 8 years and I’m coming to accept that this has likely been down to confidence. I think I present to the world as someone who really doesn’t like herself. I’d like to change that but I don’t know how.

I met a wonderful guy OLD a few months ago. He’s everything I could want - intelligent, funny, kind, lots of shared interests, feminist, loads to talk about - except for one thing. He’s really, really overweight and out of shape. I like bigger guys generally but he can’t walk down the street without getting out of breath or fit into cinema seats. He has to have a seat on public transport.

I sadly decided he wasn’t for me because of his health issues (he’s early fifties and I don’t want to end up as his carer in ten years) and because yes, I find his weight unattractive. I really don’t like this about me and I feel like a horrible person and a hypocrite - but I think better to feel this way than to go out with him and not want to be intimate with him.

I think most people prefer someone who is healthy. And when I was about BMI 32, healthy and active? And dates were just saying "sorry you're too big for me" even though I was suggesting country walks as an activity?

I think we all agree there is more to it than health, of course aesthetics plays its part in sexual attraction and people are attracted to different body types.

I think the poster means what's considered a healthy weight. I get you are saying you were clinically obese but still healthy and active, but societies perception is clinically obese is a health risk, from diabetes to heart attack in many people and many folks will go for a partner who is within the corridors of what's considered a healthy weight. Obese is seldom considered a healthy weight, no matter how healthy you are in reality.

As everyone has said though, everyone is attracted to something different physically so the men saying you were too big were simply not attracted to your body type. Who cares, others are. It would be a very dull life if we all fancied the same thing.

This may sound harsh but I wouldn't even consider online dating at a size 20 - and I say this as someone who was a size 24 this time last year and is now the top end of a 14.

But that is based on my own horrible OLD experience and while I got second dates at size 14 I've also been dumped the day after being seen naked and this was by a 50 year old balding/greying bloke with a huge beer gut. He also told me I should hit the gym so I'd be 'really trim'. I somehow managed not to tell him I ran 5k three times a week and swam 40 lengths several times a week so if he wanted a race round his garden I'd win

It doesn't take that long to lose weight ( I managed 6 and a half stone in 6 months last year and I'm 45) put please for the sake of your own sanity either stick to real life dating or tell it exactly how it is. I've been there and it's mortifying. . .

Yes sorry, im not saying that you are sick if you are fat.

I’m a little overweight myself and I’m very healthy (trying to become a ‘healthy’ weight though!).

What I meant was the perception is that If you’re fat then you are sick and therefore not a good ‘mate’. I met my husband when we were both a healthy bmi and we both openly agree that we are more sexually attracted when we are a normal weight. We love each other and that’s what matters most of course but I’m more attracted to my husband when he’s been to the gym rather than the chippy

I am online dating , size 16/18 .
Had plenty of interest , Go for it , I have this on my profile so they know what they getting into .

Buymeamojitonow I had curves and jiggly thighs as a size 8 so not really sure what’s it’s trying to say?

I have 1 friend and 1 family member both weigh at around 24 stone they both did on line dating on a site for bigger girls, had loads of dates until they found the right man and are now settled in long term relationships.

Buyme, it's great that works for you, but it seems a little defensive to me. You don't see people posting images saying "I love my flat stomach, my untattoed body and my toned thighs, no one said you had to". I just don't see the need to call it out. Just your photo and if someone fancies you they will let you know.

However on saying that if it's working for you, it's working for you. It would put me off if a man posted he loved his flabby tummy if I'm completely honest.

Bad thing of OLD is that you don’t have much opportunity to show how wonderful you are before being dismissed on appearance only.

I also have noticed that many single men kill their free time at the gym, running and cycling and therefore want a woman who does the same or at least looks like she does.

There is another problem though. It seems like all of us in OLD think we look better than we do and are therefore looking for someone to match the image we have in our mind of ourselves. (And it works both ways, women are as bad as men)

Personally, I have removed myself from OLD until I loose some weight, it is not a kind world out there.