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Original poster

Dating and being fat

104 replies

myteadontlie · 07/04/2018 09:37

As the title says. I have been single for 5 years and have an impression that the main reason I haven't got a partner or even bf is the fact I am fat. I wear size 20/22, 5ft8, weighing 18 stones. I try to look after myself and I don't think I am hideous but still just too big.
Over the last year I have lost 2 stones, was size 24 before, which made me feel better and I hope I can keep loosing but it takes so much time and in my age (39) weight comes off so slowly!

To sum up, I don't feel happy and accept myself the way I am, but I think I am pretty good at covering it and come across as a confident person. But still not sure how it all affects my dating. I always mention in my description I am curvy/large but have mainly face pics or upper body parts pics. If it comes to a date, it usually is just one date. I feel that most of the men I find attractive, don't find me attractive enough because of my body. I am told I have a pretty face and a lovely personality but it seems not to matter enough to keep a guy keen.

I had a fwb for a while and while he is somehow attracted to me, I know he likes slender women. I used to meet him because the sex was really good and he was never disrespectful, but in low moments I felt rubbish, knowing that he drools over his slim and young co-workers. The other guy I kept meeting for a couple of months seemed to really like me for 'me' and claimed he 'loved' my looks (especially the face again!)... and tbh I felt like he was the 1st one that I felt fully comfortable around both when out and in bed. But he couldn't commit and eventually confessed he still loves his ex, so I just cannot keep thinking of him or use him as good example of matters between me and men, as it still is painful, despite the fact it has been a year since we parted.

Anyway, I wanted and want to move on and start dating again but the thought of going over it again and 'putting myself there' doesn't make me too excited, mainly because of my looks. On the other hand I am so lonely and have zero chances of meeting new men in my real life (tried!) so realistically OLD is my only option.

To sum up- how do you do it, dating wise, curvy/big ladies? How do you present yourself on your profiles descption and pics wise, and how do you behave when meeting men in person? Do you get any dates and do they lead onto sth long term? I am not a fan of all that 'flaunt' it attitude, I just try to behave in a normal and not too overpowering way... also there is so much said that its the inside that matters, personality etc. but still I cannot get rid of impression that being fat/big -more often than not- does actually stop you from getting a boyfriend or a partner.

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 07/04/2018 15:19

I had a fwb for a while and while he is somehow attracted to me

I hope you know how silly you are being with this statement. What makes people attractive is a huge mix of things. I've known gorgeous women I would not date because they were unpleasant or annoying and women who I would climb over broken glass to date based solely on their personality.

I know he likes slender women. I used to meet him because the sex was really good and he was never disrespectful, but in low moments I felt rubbish, knowing that he drools over his slim and young co-workers.

Men don't work like this. IME we rarely have a type in the way that some women do. Most men can find a wide range of women attractive. If you are turning that bloke on enough for sex, it's a pretty good indication he fancied you.

You can't magically stop worrying about your appearance, but you can recognise that you are being a bit irrational to think you can guess what other people will feel. I think you need to concentrate on looking for a bloke that you fancy and like- let him decide whether he reciprocates or not.

If you want a lot of responses on OLD:

  1. Low cut top, show a little boob. Not too much unless you only want dickheads.
  2. Fairly close, but show the actually shape of your body- don't hide who you are.
  3. Look face on to the camera, like you are looking in someone eyes.
  4. Accept you will get lots of weirdos messaging you- be fussy. Please, please report the inappropriate ones, they give us men a bad name.
  5. Message people who seem nice. Men find initiating just as hard as you. You get a big statistical advantage by being one of the few women who messages first.
Buymeamojitonow · 07/04/2018 15:19

Just my way of saying I'm a larger lady but in a humorous way , if you want to date me then that's what I am and being honest about myself to anyone interested in my profile .
We all have issues but we all deserve love . The lady who started this thread should go for it . I am sure she is lovely inside and out .

donquixotedelamancha · 07/04/2018 15:21

I also have noticed that many single men kill their free time at the gym, running and cycling and therefore want a woman who does the same or at least looks like she does.

Loads of women like this too, and some of them are ewww. Nothing puts me off a lass more than vanity. Confidence and health is great, but valuing appearance over character is repellant.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 07/04/2018 15:34

I'm a 16/18 and would suggest putting at least one full length pic on your profile as I think it's important to be honest and also you don't want anyone wasting your time if they're going to be surprised when they see you in the flesh.

My first date with XDP I sent him a full length pic before we met (I didn't have one on my page at that time) saying "If you only like skinny girls you can back out now". He said I looked lovely and not to worry about it, that we'd either hit it off or not, but either way we'd have a nice time.

As others have said, some men prefer bigger women, but you don't want to be fetishised, just accepted and fancied for being who you are, so be honest, up front and try to have confidence in yourself as that is the most attractive quality in anyone.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 07/04/2018 15:35

good tips from DonQuixote

Bluntness100 · 07/04/2018 15:40

but valuing appearance over character is repellant

I disagree with your take on this. It's not one or the other. You can wish someone to have an appearance you are physically attracted to as well has having a personality you love.

It's not a case of your fit, but you're then automatically an arsehole. And if you're lovely, you must be fat. You can be fit and lovely, fit and an arsehole, fat and lovely, or fat and an arsehole,

It's not about valuing one over the other, it's about valuing both. Because physical attraction as well as mental attraction and compatibility is equally important in the early stages of a relationship.

donquixotedelamancha · 07/04/2018 15:52

I disagree with your take on this....It's not a case of your fit, but you're then automatically an arsehole. And if you're lovely, you must be fat. You can be fit and lovely, fit and an arsehole, fat and lovely, or fat and an arsehole.

Of course. It would be madness to suggest that all or most people who go to the gym are unpleasant; I don't think that's what my post implies. Obviously physical attraction is important, although as many people have pointed out the range of what is attractive to different people is wide.

There is, however, a certain type of person who is only interested in the surface and wants their partner to be a reflection of themselves- a status symbol, in effect. I don't find this an attractive character trait.

MrsTylerJoseph · 07/04/2018 16:07

When I was 18 and slim I dated a guy who his bmi must have been over 40. He really was quite obese. He was a friends brother. When I first met him there was no physical attraction. But as I got to know him as a person I fell for him and we soon became an item. And by then yes I fancied him.

I think the problem with OLD is that people won’t give others a chance for superficial reasons.....you don’t get the chance to get to know someone as a person before making a decision about them.

MrsTylerJoseph · 07/04/2018 16:08

I mean I fancied him physically as well as liked him as a person. Once I fell for his personality he became sexually attractive.

TatianaLarina · 07/04/2018 16:22

He also told me I should hit the gym so I'd be 'really trim’

I hope you told him the same goes for him.

Bluntness100 · 07/04/2018 17:28

*There is, however, a certain type of person who is only interested in the surface and wants their partner to be a reflection of themselves- a status symbol, in effect. I don't find this an attractive character trait(

Agree, but those relationships don't go anywhere usually because you just annoy the heck out of each other, ultimately you need to have both physical attraction as well as being mentally compatible.

I think the problem with OLD is that people won’t give others a chance for superficial reasons.....you don’t get the chance to get to know someone as a person before making a decision about them

This seems to be the case. There needs to be an immediate physical attraction or they move on. Which in some respects is understandable. Many of the people posting here met their partner in real life or at a push on a website aimed at folks who preferred larger partners.

HelenaDove · 08/04/2018 17:34

"It doesn't take that long to lose weight ( I managed 6 and a half stone in 6 months last year and I'm 45) put please for the sake of your own sanity either stick to real life dating or tell it exactly how it is. I've been there sad and it's mortifying."

Please do not give out dangerous advice like this because fast weight loss is very high risk for gallstones.

I lost 10 stone in 2002/2003 (7 of it in 7 months) and became very ill with gallstones to the point that i couldnt eat SOLID food. Back then this risk wasnt as well known as it is now and we are now in the digital age so its easier for ppl to educate themselves about this.

I was 21 stone when i started losing weight (19 stone on my wedding day) If DH was to say to me "I preferred you bigger Can you please put the weight back on (which he wouldnt) it would be ridiculous But he could just as easily say that im not the woman he married as some men do when this situation is reversed. Which is why i often post this on threads of that theme.

TheSnootiestFox · 08/04/2018 19:06

Helena it was a fact rather than guidance. And I'd already had gallstones and my gallbladder out (while I was weighing 22 stone as it goes) by this point so I would disagree completely, I had gallstones whilst at my fattest ever.

ILoveyou2018 · 08/04/2018 19:17

You get gallstones because you’re fat

Thisisnotwhatiwant · 08/04/2018 19:21

You just have to be confident in yourself...

If you look at the dating thread there are people all shapes/sizes/ages.. Nearly all have been messed around by people they have met online. Many have met some one for short/long term relationships. Many struggle to get past a first date.its a numbers game... we all have different preferences and it just takes time to find the right one for us.

MrsTylerJoseph · 08/04/2018 19:22

Both being overweight and fast weight loss can cause gallstones. It’s definitely a recognised risk of rapid weight loss.

HelenaDove · 08/04/2018 19:26

Both the GPs i saw at my surgery and the people i saw at the hospital including my surgeon told me mine was due to fast weight loss.

And i did Slimming World not a VLCD

HelenaDove · 08/04/2018 19:29

my first gallstone attack came after id lost 4 stone.

ILoveyou2018 · 08/04/2018 19:37

Yes rapid weight loss too but that’s cause by being fat in the first place!

ILoveyou2018 · 08/04/2018 19:38

Caused*

ILoveyou2018 · 08/04/2018 19:38

Caused*

HelenaDove · 08/04/2018 19:46

MN can be a very toxic place when it comes to weight

Im aware of that 2018 ............thankyou for your extremely educational input.

yet another thread i can see im going to regret posting on.

HelenaDove · 08/04/2018 19:51

2018 you need to educate yourself about slimming clubs as well They often push dieters to use aspartame because its "free" on the plan so yay. Diet clubs arent a bastion of health either.

pimlicolife · 08/04/2018 19:52

I think the best thing is to put a couple of full length photos on your dating profile.

That way you are much more likely to have successful dates as they will already know your frame and be attracted enough to it to have asked you out. Plus you are more likely to attract a man who likes curvy women if he can actually see on your profile that that's what you are. Good luck! Smile

Ilovefishcakes201 · 08/04/2018 20:10

Being overweight won’t help unless you want to date someone who has a weird fetish about big women.
Give yourself a couple of years to lose weight.