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Relationships

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Original poster

Solicitors letter to DH mistress in affair

475 replies

Bub3017 · 06/04/2018 20:17

Hi,

Can I send a letter from my solicitor to the other party in my partners affair; seeking compensation or an apology due to being behind in uni work, having my anxiety medication increased, failing as a person and every other emotional distress I have been under from finding out my partner had an emotional affair that later led to sex?

And yes I am being genuine!!

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 08/04/2018 19:09

The thing is you don't know what he told the woman. He could have said th relationship had been over with the op for a long time. They lived together for convenience and finances. He could have said he intended to be with this woman, that he loved her.

So calling her a home wrecking bitchis awful. Because you don't know what was said.

The only home wrecker here is the ops partner. And we don't know why he cheated, for me it's usually signal something is very wrong with the primary relationship when someone embarks on another one.

wtfreally · 08/04/2018 19:14

You're clearly sexist and not very clever. While it was a bit a sh*tty thing to do on her end- she was single and had nothing to lose. He however had a partner and two kids. HE is to blame, not her. And clearly you blame her over him because you are still with him. Pathetic.

PoorYorick · 08/04/2018 19:23

Nobody has suggested that the OW is blameless and didn't do anything wrong. Clearly she did. But she is not a part of the relationship. She didn't break any vows or any commitment (to the OP). To say she's equally culpable in ruining the relationship, you'd have to say she had a responsibility towards it in the first place, and she didn't.

At any rate, even if we say she and the man are both equally responsible, it wouldn't therefore follow that he gets a second chance and absolution, and she gets emotional blackmail. (Which won't work anyway and will only serve to make her think 'no wonder he cheated'.)

seethesunaftersnow · 08/04/2018 19:26

Wow I can see why your partner chose to cheat on you. You sound like a real catch!

Elledouble · 08/04/2018 19:28

You can’t sue someone for making you sad, which is basically what you’re suggesting. That’s not how life works.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 08/04/2018 19:36

Ouch,that is v unkind seethesun
Have some empathy that a infidelity affects judgement & behaviour

BennyTheBall · 08/04/2018 19:40

Wow I can see why your partner chose to cheat on you. You sound like a real catch!

This, and other comments on here about the OP are unnecessarily unkind.

It's obvious the OP is traumatised and has lost sight of the real issue here, i.e. her cheating partner. I think people often blame the OW as it stops them facing up to the fact their partner is a shit and the relationship is over.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 08/04/2018 19:45

Op is clearly angry and a bit off on one,but no she doesn’t deserve this
The shagger partner he is in the wrong and to a lesser extent the ow
Have none of you ever been incensed with rage,emotion that you get a bit wabbit
It’s raw human emotion and it’s ugly and makes no sense because it’s not rational

Bluntness100 · 08/04/2018 19:52

I think people often blame the OW as it stops them facing up to the fact their partner is a shit and the relationship is over

I think this too. It's a way of absolving the partner of much of the blame. Thinking well if she hadn't he wouldn't have cheated, so she's to blame. If they thought about it too deeply and allocated the blame correctly to the partner, they couldn't stay with him and forgive him. So they have to blame the other woman as much as possible.

However I would say she's clearly not thinking rationally. Sending a solicitors letter is crazy talk, the ow is neither going to pay her or apologise, and her feelings will not change about what's she's done. She will though think the op is unhinged and the op will just embarrass herself.

Original poster

Bub3017 · 08/04/2018 21:50

I was probably never going to send the solicitor's letter but only wanting advice on whether it was possible.

I know full well he is to blame, we live together he sees the hurt, pain and suffering he has caused and he hasn't been forgiven. I said I was trying to forgive him and work through this horrible mess that he caused which isn't easy. We're talking more than before and as far as I can tell he is being remorseful for his actions and poor decisions.

The OW walked into our relationship with her eyes wide open, she was friends on his Facebook so would have been able to see all the posts I tagged him in such as of things we did together or of our kids etc. You say she wasn't involved in our relationship but she was because she knew we (myself and kids existed).

And I'm a great catch thanks. I look after my family, my children and would do anything for someone in need. You don't know me and are gauging my personality of a couple of threads that I've written in anger and whilst I'm hurting.

OP posts:

HeebieJeebies456 · 08/04/2018 21:57

You sound like one of those Jeremy Kyle sort of people

Original poster

Bub3017 · 08/04/2018 22:21

That's hilarious!! I have a great job and look after myself and my teeth so definitely not a Jeremy Kyle person.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bub3017 · 08/04/2018 22:24

Oh, not to mention I'm highly educated with multiple degrees!

OP posts:

strayducks18 · 08/04/2018 22:32

Blimey some really nasty fucker with their claws out on this thread

Obviously solicitors letters to the OW is bonkers but come on OP is clearly devastated and crushed by what has happened here and not processing too well. Sheesh kick a person whilst they're down why don't you.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 08/04/2018 22:35

Christ alive I’ve seen women getting more support for encountering unexpected item in bagging area
Op is having a mad wan,her boyfriend has been caught out,op clearly unhappy
Some right daft stuff said,a touch of Get me a solicitor.yada YadaYada
Who hasn’t raved like an eejit when upset,said all the hear me now speech

Unless op is actually turning up the ow house bawling for a scrap, hanging a Scarlett letter on the door there’s no real harm done

PoorYorick · 08/04/2018 22:39

The OW walked into our relationship with her eyes wide open

But don't you see that he walked out of it with his eyes just as wide open?

She did you wrong, for sure. But she didn't CHEAT on you. She couldn't have done, because she wasn't in a relationship with you.

Your feelings are totally understandable, but they're destructive and will do nothing but harm YOU. You cannot mend your relationship on the basis that she will absorb all the pain and anger you should be directing at him, the one who actually broke a commitment to you. If you do, you'll feel calm only as long as you know she's suffering. And she probably won't be suffering, or if she is you won't know about it because she'll presumably be out of your lives if you're trying to save your relationship. Plus your anger towards your partner will be totally unresolved and it will rear its ugly head all over the shop.

To fix your relationship, she needs to become irrelevant. I know that's really easy for me to say and you're hurting, but it just isn't going to help if you insist on seeing her as an evil scheming temptress and he's somehow less responsible. Because although you claim you don't see it this way, it's clear from the different ways you write about them that you do.

NoMudNoLotus · 08/04/2018 22:47

It really irritates my soul on this site how the women here jump to the defence of family wrecking whores by saying basically dont feel annoyed with the OW , its all the fault of the male.

Where are womens morals and sense of sisterhood?

Personally women who go after men in relationships who have children deserve everything they get and more.

PoorYorick · 08/04/2018 22:50

Where are womens morals and sense of sisterhood?

There's nothing sisterly about the term 'family wrecking whores', or saying that when men have affairs, it's because women 'go after them'. Are you for real? You don't sound female.

We'd say exactly the same to a man who was blaming the OM for his wife's affair.

PoorYorick · 08/04/2018 22:52

Where are womens morals and sense of sisterhood?

There's nothing sisterly about the term 'family wrecking whores', or saying that when men have affairs, it's because women 'go after them'. Are you for real?

We'd say exactly the same to a man who was blaming the OM for his wife's affair.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 08/04/2018 22:55

Don’t agree,the person who has erred most is the shagging bf,he had a connection & kids with op
And don’t do the sisterhood speech.thats the biggest myth pushed at women.myth of sisterhood
Folk bond by class,education,interest,values,aspirations not solely gender
The ow was not bubs connected sister,ow she’s an adult who had an affair and wasnt bothering about sisterhood
And men aren’t weak things who a

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 08/04/2018 22:57

Pressed too soon
And men aren’t weak things pursued by wanton women.it absolves them of responsibility to say that
The op partner he chose to shag ow,and he lied to bub and probably the ow

ovendoor · 08/04/2018 22:58

I get the anger towards the OW, and in these circumstances, you are more than entitled to it! However, I think the best revenge you can have is healing yourself (without him) and show how f*cking awesome you are!

SoleBizzz · 08/04/2018 23:02

I feel that you taking him back makes you worse than her. Weaker.

strayducks18 · 08/04/2018 23:04

Jeez SoleBizz better weak than a total cunt

Voice0fReason · 08/04/2018 23:09

It really irritates my soul on this site how the women here jump to the defence of family wrecking whores by saying basically dont feel annoyed with the OW , its all the fault of the male.
I wouldn't defend the woman but I wouldn't blame her either. SHE didn't wreck the family because she was never part of it to be able to wreck it. HE chose to have sex with her when HE was already in a relationship. He wrecked the relationship.

Forget her morals and sense of sisterhood to a bunch of strangers, what about his morals and sense of commitment to his partner and mother of his children? He was the one cheating.

There are no consequences for her because she has not broken any promises or commitments. No matter how much she had pursued him, it was entirely his choice to end up in bed with her.

If you think she is a whore, what does that make him? Or do you just find it easier to blame and insult women?

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