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Original poster

Solicitors letter to DH mistress in affair

475 replies

Bub3017 · 06/04/2018 20:17

Hi,

Can I send a letter from my solicitor to the other party in my partners affair; seeking compensation or an apology due to being behind in uni work, having my anxiety medication increased, failing as a person and every other emotional distress I have been under from finding out my partner had an emotional affair that later led to sex?

And yes I am being genuine!!

OP posts:
DamsonOnThisDress · 08/04/2018 23:10

OP, there's a support thread on here somewhere for people in your position who have been cheated on who are trying to get through it (some with DP, some without).

You don't have to watch your Ps & Qs there because the other posters know all about the hurt and anger. I think you'd get more support and understanding on there.

Sorry I don't know how to find and link for you.

Look after yourself. Smile

malificent7 · 08/04/2018 23:19

They are bog as bad as each other...hold your head up high...

Actually i think that the other woman/ men who go with married people do owe you something...an apology.....if only karna bit hard.

PrizeOik · 08/04/2018 23:19

You can hold men to account for their actions without compromising sisterhood.

The OP only has her DHs version of events. Funny how based on that she's trying to forgive him, but is seething with rage at the OW.

Never mind DH probably lied his face off to OW. OP says OW could see her FB account - who knows what DH told OW to make it plausible that OP was posting happy family statuses?

Sisterhood can also mean giving other women the benefit of the doubt, particularly when you've only got a man's version of events to go by. And even more so when the man in question has a lot to lose and every reason to demonize the OW to his DW...

malificent7 · 08/04/2018 23:19

Karma even!

DamsonOnThisDress · 08/04/2018 23:40

I appreciate the concept of 'sisterhood' is important to a lot of people but I think it's a bit much to expect OP to give OW the benefit of the doubt or feel remotely benevolent toward her.

The OP owes her nothing.

honeyroar · 09/04/2018 03:54

I was cheated on. While I think very poorly of the OW and her lack of morals I was never angry at her, she meant nothing to me, she wasn't the one that lied to my face and told me he loved me while he was scheming and creeping around shagging another woman. Like you OP, the ow was well aware about me, but she didn't care, she didn't know me personally, she just wanted my man.. It's not on the same level as what he did, even if it's horrible behaviour on her part.

I find it incredible that relationships can come back from lying and cheating. I could never have forgiven or put my trust in him again. But if you decide to try you've got to be able to put all the bitterness and hurt behind you. If you just change the focus from him to her you've not dealt with it and how are you ever going to move on?

Situp · 09/04/2018 04:06

Pack his stuff in cheap bin liners and chuck it out on the lawn.

Yes, definitely don't use the expensive bin liners

misses the point completely

I fear you are probably unable to process your feelings towards him because you are trying to make it work so are projecting onto her. He could have spun her any amount of bullshit.

You need to stop thinking about her and move on without him.

bluescreen · 09/04/2018 04:36

I haven't RTFT but seriously: he isn't your property. He's capable of making his own decisions and if he made bad ones your argument's with him. Leave her out of it: you'd make yourself sound ridiculous. You make it sound as if you are arguing with someone over a piece of property that had no agency, not a human being with free will.

honeyroar · 09/04/2018 04:54

Ive just looked back through some of your threads and you just sound so sad and hurt. I really feel for you. Id get yourself the individual counselling now, rather than couples counselling- I think you really need to think things through more before you work on the relationship. Get yourself in the right place and strong first of all.

MadMags · 09/04/2018 10:01

@bluescreen perhaps you should RTFT. That has been said to OP. A lot.

Original poster
Bub3017 · 09/04/2018 10:48

I am going to individual counselling as my mum had an affair on my dad when I was younger, so having to deal with old wounds as well as this. My parents are still together and grew stronger.

I don't want to give up on the relationship just yet. This could be used as a wake up call for us both, and we can make our relationship stronger and better if we try. He does seem to be remorseful for his actions and has been trying a lot more than he ever has... Though to reiterate I still haven't forgiven him or trust him yet, that will take a lot more time.

I don't think this makes me weak, as it takes a lot of strength and courage to rebuild a relationship after something like this. And yes it may seem like I'm only redirecting my anger towards her but I'm as angry at him if not more so. But she gets to walk away unscathed and I don't think thats fair when she helped to create the devastation. They both caused it and she knew what she was doing.

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 09/04/2018 13:36

The thing is op, life isn’t fair. She does get to walk away and as frustrating as that is, you have to accept that. Trying to make her “pay” (metaphorically or literally) is not going to help you or your mental health. As others have said, for you to really move on in your relationship then she has to be irrelevant. Dwelling on what she did or didn’t do will just keep you stuck in this moment.

sofato5miles · 09/04/2018 13:40

How did the solicitor's letter to your DP go down?

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 09/04/2018 14:02

Trigger warning: murder.

This is the mentality of making the other party in a failed relationship "pay" and not "walk away unscathed".

Trigger warning again.

here (it's a link to this morning's Guardian, but the text of the URL itself is potentially triggering.

Original poster
Bub3017 · 09/04/2018 14:29

I think you are going to the extremes. I would never do something as drastic as that.

First of all, no one is worth me losing my children as they are my priority, secondly I don't think things that have been said in the heat of the moment or in a fit of rage and extreme hurt will lead to murder that's completely crasping at straws.

Not to mention he made threats to kill her and himself multiple times... I haven't done that, nor would I.

Having studied Criminology as my undergraduate degree, I don't meet any of the components to carry out such a heinous act nor I am I out for any revenge like that.

OP posts:
CuboidalSlipshoddy · 09/04/2018 14:35

I don't think things that have been said in the heat of the moment or in a fit of rage and extreme hurt will lead to murder

Discussing sending a solicitor's letter with the intent to humiliate, threaten and ensure that people are "not unscathed" doesn't sound like "the heat of the moment" or a "fit of rage". It sounds like a calculated, systematic, long-term plan to do someone harm in revenge.

Having studied Criminology as my undergraduate degree

biscuit

StormcloakNord · 09/04/2018 14:40

He does seem to be remorseful for his actions

Nah love, he's sad he got caught.

Original poster
Bub3017 · 09/04/2018 14:42

I never threatened her, and yes I would like her feel even an ounce of humiliation I have felt but I don't wish her dead, I think you're being a tad redundant in your argument!

From saying something when you are hurt and angry to taking the massive leap to something much more drastic like murder is a bit much and very much out there. Not to mention there would have been a lot mitigating circumstances that may have been involved in that case, such as issues with his mental health.

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 09/04/2018 14:50

You can only make your relationship stronger if your partner wants to be with you.
It's him you should be concentrating on, You can't trust him to be faithful.
Please don't kid yourself it will work out, he's remorseful he got caught and will continue to be unfaithful, if that's his character.
Why isn't he seeking counselling for the affair, it's not down to you, surely.

StormcloakNord · 09/04/2018 14:52

She probably isn't remotely humiliated. She didn't cheat on you, she didn't betray you, your shitty husband did.

You can't seem to pull your head out your arse long enough to see the wood from the trees so good luck desperately trying to mop up the crumbs of your marriage. Confused

Original poster
Bub3017 · 09/04/2018 15:06

Gillybeanz he is adamant that he wants to be with me and the kids and that what he did was a stupid, stupid mistake. He has told me that me finding out was the best thing as he has seen what he could've lost. And yes I can see the clichés and irony within his statements.

I know that the focus should be on me and him if I want to try and make it work and know that it will be hard, extremely challenging and will take a lot of time especially from the trust aspect of things.

It might not work out and I am prepared for that. Financially and emotionally! But I also want to be able to say that I tried.

I'm attending counselling first as I can get fast track because I am a student at University, however he is currently waiting on a space opening up. I also have past issues that have resurfaced as my mum had an affair on my dad so I need to cope with all that again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bub3017 · 09/04/2018 15:10

I will again reiterate that I KNOW HE WAS THE ONE WHO CHEATED, BUT SHE IS JUST AS BAD AS SHE KNEW HE HAD A FAMILY, SO COULD HAVE SAID NO!! But she didn't so she's as guilty in my opinion.

It's my life and if I want to try with him then I will... People are far to quick to judge when they aren't living your life or facing the same struggles.

OP posts:
cloudtree · 09/04/2018 15:12

I don't think you are looking to send such a letter anymore OP but if you do, please be aware that there may well be consequences and you might make your situation worse.

I have been on the receiving end of a similar letter recently. Not an affair scenario but a situation where a disgruntled party sent me a letter full of vitriol and threatening to sue me and to do things which would have very serious ramifications for me and my family. I'm a solicitor and so I know the letter has absolutely no basis in law and that I haven't done anything wrong. However my reaction has not been to ignore it or to feel bad. My reaction is to hit back. You need to be very careful about what you put in writing when you're upset.

GrooovyLass · 09/04/2018 15:14

OP I think you've been given a hard time here, I really do.

You're hurting and you want the ow to hurt too. You're focusing your anger on her because it's too difficult to focus it on your partner. She either feels guilt and remorse or she doesn't, and no letter will change that.

If it's going to work with your partner you need to forgive him and move past what's happened. It will not work otherwise and you may as well end it now. The only thing is, I also think you need to forgive her. I don't think a relationship can work if you've got that seething resentment inside you because somewhere inside you you know that you're only still furious with her because it's easier than being furious with him.

Bluntness100 · 09/04/2018 15:20

Op, you were the one who came onto a public forum and asked opinion if you should do something rather crazy. Of course people will comment, of course many will not comprehend how you think she is as bad as him when only he had the commitment to uou and of course people will question why you wish to punish her yet wish to try with him.

And also Of course she could have said no, but you're in a bad place if the only way to keep your partner faithful is relying on other women to say no when he tries it on. Our point is he shouldn't be trying it on in the first place with other women. As he is committed to you.

I think we all hope it works out for you. Many people can and do continue relationships successfully after their partner has an affair. Hopefully one of those people is you.