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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Solicitors letter to DH mistress in affair

475 replies

Bub3017 · 06/04/2018 20:17

Hi,

Can I send a letter from my solicitor to the other party in my partners affair; seeking compensation or an apology due to being behind in uni work, having my anxiety medication increased, failing as a person and every other emotional distress I have been under from finding out my partner had an emotional affair that later led to sex?

And yes I am being genuine!!

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 07/04/2018 11:13

“and I've terrified the bitch enough for her not to even think about contacting him again”

Frankly I’m surprised she hasn’t been to the Police to push for an injunction / harassment charge already!

But if you pursue this further (including spreading gossip about her in her home town) then I’m damn sure it wouldn’t take her long to put that right.

SarBear34 · 07/04/2018 11:22

Fuckingitupforfree - I thought exactly the same thing!

tygr · 07/04/2018 12:58

Lipstick, you're massively projecting. The OP asked for legal advice on the legal forum. My DP is a solicitor is highly relevant. It's nothing to do with him being male and everything to do with him having relevant professional experience.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/04/2018 13:11

I was thinking that, ChangedName, it made me shudder. This is an awful relationship and it has no future, in my opinion. I wouldn't be investing time and energy into it - not if I were the OP - OR her cheating partner. I'd be running - making plans to see the children on a fair basis - but running as fast as I could.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 07/04/2018 13:11

Do you understand what projection is?You are inappropriately using it in this sentence

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 07/04/2018 13:17

Tygr,I wasn’t actually directly addressing you,tbh can’t recall your post
I was responding to someone else post (I wasn’t the only Hmmreaction either
the op posted in the Talk-Relationship section. This is Not posted under legal at all

Sn0tnose · 07/04/2018 13:32

Plagiarism Could you confirm whether your DH does indeed take divorce cases and what part of the country he works in, so that if any of us need a divorce lawyer in the future, we can rest easy in the knowledge that we don't have to rely on the likes of him? He may well have the qualifications but it seems he's severely lacking in any kind of basic human empathy.

OP, I do understand why you'd want to put all the blame on her. It's going to be so much harder to repair your relationship if you accept that your partner is the only one responsible for betraying you, and so much easier if you pretend that he was stolen away by some woman who tricked him into having an affair. But as everyone above has said, it's a terrible idea in a million different ways. The only person responsible for the hurt you are feeling right now is him. Is he accepting the responsibility or is he happy to let you carry on thinking he had no choice but to sleep with her?

Do you live together? Have you thought about asking him to leave while you get yourself sorted out? So you can make a clear headed decision on whether you actually want to try and repair the relationship? You need space to think, not anyone who would take your money to write something like that

Notonthestairs · 07/04/2018 14:24

Bub - Relationships aren't supposed to be this hard. If you are having to control your partners every movement and terrify another woman in to submission to ensure they don't sleep together I'd suggest that it's time to finish it and get on with separating and co-parenting. I suspect you'll feel happier in yourself when this isn't hanging over you.

Bouledeneige · 07/04/2018 15:53

Waste of money paying a solicitor to do this. And in the long run it will make you feel foolish. Sorry, but save your pride.

Of course be angry, with him, with her but the best revenge is moving on with your life and making it better and brighter without him. This too will pass.

onemoreshotofcoffee · 07/04/2018 16:41

As a solicitor, I'd probably advise you to speak to a councillor.

Don't waste your time or money, move on.

NewImprovedNinja · 07/04/2018 19:58

As a solicitor, I'd probably advise you to speak to a councillor.
County or Town council? Hmm

DairyisClosed · 07/04/2018 20:06

Why not just pay for a billboard where she lives with her photograph of her and whatever it is you want to say. It will cost the same and will fulfill your petty revenge needs more than a solicitors letter.

bimbobaggins · 07/04/2018 20:10

Ha ha dairy, great idea

starryeyed19 · 07/04/2018 20:17

You could do the tried and tested therapy trick lf writing a letter to her yourself and just not sending it?

Get it all out on paper and hopefully start to move on, whatever you decide to do.

Voice0fReason · 07/04/2018 21:27

Why do you need her to feel humiliated?
What if you sent this letter and she found it funny? Would you up the ante?
Nothing is going to make you feel better because it's your relationship that's making you miserable. Blaming other things will not make your relationship better.

MerryDeath · 07/04/2018 21:42

that would be more humiliating for you. maintain your dignity here.

CookieDoughKid · 07/04/2018 21:47

OP the other Mistress did you no wrong. She owes nothing to you and she is not responsible for your welfare at all. You have to accept the fact that the only person you can blame is your partner.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 07/04/2018 21:55

You're trying to make it work with him but she gets a shitty letter? WTF?!

onemoreshotofcoffee · 07/04/2018 23:05

@NewImprovedNinja

Hmmmmm, forgot solicitors are immune to auto correct.

Why give helpful advice when you can pick on something irrelevant.

Sure that comment was ever so helpful and insightful.

#yaaaawwwwwn (get the spell police on that one)

NewImprovedNinja · 08/04/2018 10:42

Because a competent solicitor uses spellcheck so there’s every chance you’re not one. [HTH]

MadMags · 08/04/2018 11:00

A competent solicitor wastes her time spellchecking social media posts for chat forums?

SparklyMagpie · 08/04/2018 11:07

@Fuckingitupforfree exactly what I was thinking,I'd be off if I was him

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 08/04/2018 11:09

If he hadn’t cheated with her it would have been someone else which is why you should be directing your anger and disgust at him not her.

I don’t know this woman and nor do you so you don’t know if it would have the desired effect you want. When my ex cheated on me he told his OW all my bad points including some that were blatantly lies. This letter might actually have the opposite effect to what you want- her laughing her arse off at you, feeling sorry for your cheating cunt bag of a partner and making her (and him) feel there was a legitimate excuse for their behaviour.

I personally think counselling would do you the world of good and getting rid of your partner because having him around isn’t going to help you move on from this ever. I’ve been there and I’ve only stopped caring about all this shit since I got rid of my ex.

Userplusnumbers · 08/04/2018 11:17

I think your anger is misplaced OP, you're directing it at the OW, instead of your DP.

It's not ever the responsibility of other women to keep a man on the straight and narrow - it's the responsibility of that man. He made the choice to go out and do what he did, and who knows what lies he spun her - after all, he managed to string you along very successfully.

You should examine why you're placing so much responsibility on her, and effectively absolving him of blame.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 08/04/2018 11:28

Having seen what OP has said about her relationship on previous threads she sounds terrifying. I don’t feel sorry for her partner (he did cheat after all) but I imagine he’s more scared of upsetting and hurting her because of the repercussions rather than because he actually cares about her. Horrible, lonely way to live.