Solicitors letter to DH mistress in affair

[Bub3017]

Hi,

Can I send a letter from my solicitor to the other party in my partners affair; seeking compensation or an apology due to being behind in uni work, having my anxiety medication increased, failing as a person and every other emotional distress I have been under from finding out my partner had an emotional affair that later led to sex?

And yes I am being genuine!!

There's a similar thread going on elsewhere in which a couple of former OWs have shared how they felt when they received a letter like this from the wife (not a solicitor). The letters didn't make them feel guilty in the slightest. On the contrary, they thought the wife seemed pompous and self righteous. In one case, the OW laughed about it with her friends, in the other, she felt even less sorry. They are remorseful of their actions now, but it sounds as though that's come with time and maturity, not the letters. They would have changed as people regardless.

It is, tbh, exactly how I would expect an OW to react. People in affairs will have their own perception and narrative of it, and the betrayed spouse can't force them to abandon it for how it looks to them (even though most people would probably agree). They'll see it in whatever manner fits their worldview and it's unlikely to be one in which they come off badly.

That does not absolve the OW from blame. No, she doesn’t get off that lightly.
Yes she does. Other can people can blame her all they want, but she has absolutely no responsibility for the people involved so she walks away scot-free.

She on the other hand gets to go about her life like nothing had happened and that really bothers me.
That is something you are going to have to learn to live with. She hasn't done anything to mess up her own life so yes, she gets to carry on because nothing significant happened.

Lots of sense talked on here about blaming the partner not their affair partner (regardless of gender).

I know a woman who is still blaming an OW for the breakdown of her marriage 10 years on from her STBXH's affair. Calls her a slut, bitch etc etc

What she doesn't know is that he had two more affairs since then and the actual reason he has left her is that he's decided he wants to be with affair partner number three.

She should have blamed him and ended her marriage the first time he cheated.

And I agree wholeheartedly with the PP who said that the OW actually having sex with the partner was irrelevant, as soon as he'd approached her, that was the betrayal. If she'd turned him down the reality of the situation would have been just as bad.

Yeah... she isn't guilty of anything other than being a bitch. She doesn't owe it to you to be a good or decent person (I agree with you that she should have said no if she knew he was married with a family). He is the one who betrayed your trust.

I've been there. It's hard not to blame the OW while you're trying to move on but it's misplaced. There is 1 person to blame here, it sounds like you're doing what I tried to do and point the finger at the wrong person so it's easier to forgive him.

I think we need to go easy on the OP as she is probably feeling extremely vulnerable right now.

As a PP highlighted OP isn't married, she's in full time education and has a child. She is extremely vulnerable financially which is probably adding to anxiety and stress about the future. Her anxiety levels are going to be influencing her thinking right now.

I think the best approach here OP would be to start protecting yourself from a practical perspective and getting a plan B in place in case you split up.

What's your housing situation? How long do you have left on your course?

If he is straying then you must guard against the possibility of him leaving regardless of what he says to you about being sorry etc. 6 months from now he may be less repentant and more inclined to leave.

Please protect yourself financially then you can also make decisions about your future from a position of strength.

Thoughtful post Wendy,yes op is understandably hurting at all this emotional turmoil
The person she should trust most has hurt her, and let her down

Now pragmatically op needs to think about finances,future and her and her kids security

They are unmarried. So as cohabitee they need to consider finances,wills,accommodation

Accommodation, is it solely in his name , your name or joint names?
I’d recommend wills, and getting some just in case money together (I don’t mean future potential infidelities) I think every woman should have just in case money

I was cheated on once in my younger years. The OW was actually the one who told me and my initial reaction was not to believe her. She informed me my ex had told her I knew all about them and was completely cool with it as it was an open relationship , it definitely wasn’t... However she went through his phone and found texts from me which made her realise I definitely had no idea and was far more committed than he was. So of course I confronted him about it and at first he tried to claim she was just an unhinged jealous bitch he had slept with once or twice way before we met that wouldn’t leave him alone, which I partially believed... but eventually he admitted to it all being true. I left him but stupidly went back after lots of grovelling from him. He showed me his phone every time I saw him but I wasn’t stupid and knew he could easily just be deleting the messages. I just couldn’t trust him again at all and eventually left for good. I never blamed the OW at all and actually admired her in ways for telling me the truth. She did it in a sort of ‘sisterhood’ way, she was kind and told me she thought both of us deserved a lot better etc.

OTOH I have unwittingly been the other woman. I met a guy years ago on online dating of all places. We spoke for weeks before eventually meeting up at the bar he worked in (so obviously the date happened in front of his colleagues who knew he had a girlfriend...) got drunk and slept together, arranged to meet again the following weekend. That night I got a very long Facebook message from a woman saying she had just seen messages from me on her boyfriend’s phone and asked whether I was aware he had a girlfriend. Of course I wasn’t, we met on online dating ffs. I explained the whole situation to her and she was absolutely lovely although understandably distraught as they had been together for years. She did forgive him and they got married soon after. It was my thinking that I wasn’t the only OW in that scenario, considering he had gone to the lengths of online dating... I did tell her that but of course, she still found it within herself to forgive.

Anyway that was a long winded way of saying that the OW shouldn’t be blamed and vilified. I can understand your pain, I really can but you need to aim that anger at the person who committed to you and your children. Sure, you can privately have a few moments of anger aimed at her too and call her all the names under the sun if it makes you feel better but it doesn’t change the fact that your OH is the only person responsible here. He didn’t make a mistake... A mistake is a silly thing such as forgetting your purse when going to the supermarket or putting a red jumper in with the whites. It isn’t having sex with someone else while your partner is blissfully unaware at home. I doubt you will ever trust him again. You will forever be searching through his phone, looking for ‘signs’ he is playing away, worry like crazy every time he works late or goes out drinking with his friends etc. You are, as you stated, an intelligent woman so you need to use that intelligence and leave the slimey cunt.

I have been the OW too.

I worked at a University- a very dashing and attractive Post Doc came to work from another place 100s of miles away. He had split up with his wife and making a new start.
He found temporary lodgings with a colleague and we formed a friendship, which very quickly turned to a sexual relationship.

Because he was in the process of moving cities and he was selling a house he had to go regular trips back to sort stuff out.

I didn't realise that this "sorting things out" involved going back to his wife's home and resuming their relationship.

I only found out when she turned up on my doorstep , calling me a bitch and a whore.

Gertie - you seem to be fixated on the fact that it's the OW who is to blame. Personally, I wasn’t prepared to let the OW walk all over me. Hopefully, she will think twice about doing this again. ; Again - what did you do to her to 'make her think twice'? And what did you do TO HIM?

I will not answer your question as my situation was very different to the OPs, was a long time ago and this thread is not about me.

I know why you won't answer that question. I know why you are so fixated on Blaming the Other Woman - you obviously blamed her for your partner cheating; it was 'obviously' her fault, therefore you were quite within your 'rights' to (at the very least) intimidate her into 'thinking twice'.

However - hundreds of posters have stated that it is NOT her fault - she bears no responsibility for your relationship. Hang on - This means that whatever you did to her - was ?wrong???? Of course she was at fault - it makes your actions 'right'. If she wasn't actually wrong - what does that make you? What have you done?

You obviously acted at best stupidly and at worse, illegally (Include threats, in that) to 'make her think twice' when in fact, in actual fact, she did nothing wrong. Morally, yes, but that's up to her, not you.

Your cheating partner, however, must have convinced you that he was seduced, she was evil, using her womanly wiles to lure him away for sex, she was probably 'Gagging for it'... Yes? Poor weakwilled bloke. Poor dick-led fella. I bet you believed the lying bastard too - after all, otherwise it would mean he'd done it deliberately to you. Much easier to believe it was the evil woman's fault.

Of course the OW is 'at fault' (provided she knew about the H's marital status), but she had no responsibility towards the OP. What she did/does is morally corrupt and Not A Good Thing To Do, but anger should be reserved the married H.
IMO.
As a 'wronged' woman.

elisenbrunnen
I’m sorry but you’ve wasted your time and energy as your assumptions in no way reflect the reality of my situation.
However, your post has made me realise the reason my marriage has survived this and others haven’t.

I notice a few posters have been concerned about the OW getting off 'scot free'. I don't know, in my experience they usually don't....nearly all of them do seem to pay for it one way or another.

Gertie - your post has made me realise the reason my marriage has survived this and others haven’t. - is it because you blamed the woman and let him off scot-free? It explains why you are so desperate to convince others that the evil temptress is to blame for your DPs affair. Hundreds of posters on here haven't persuaded you that she bears no responsibility to your relationship ?

So, what did you do to 'make her think twice'? Shame her publicly? Tell all her family, friends, neighbours - colleagues and Boss even? You say it wasn't illegal - so I'm assuming it was 'just' intimidation.
IF I was to have an affair with a married man and the DW did something like that, most (and 90% of people, as shown on here) would think - actually Gertie, HE is to blame. Gertie is slightly nuts to be intimidating and exposing, and - IF I had low enough morals to be an OW (knowingly), I'd just carry on with my own life. I wouldn't 'think twice' because - what more can you do to me? (Other than something illegal)
And if some guy approached me in a bar and chatted me up and I fancied him, why wouldn't I sleep with him? I'm single, I can sleep with whomever I want! His marriage/relationship are his responsibility, not mine.

Gertie, I don't really understand your cryptic posts to be honest, i don't think many of us do.

On one hand you basically tell us your husband had an affair. You tell us you forgave him. You tell us you did something that will make the person he had an affair with think twice about doing it again. You tell us you were not prepared to let her walk all over you. You tell us it was a long time ago but clearly still very fresh in your mind. You tell us nothing about what you did to make him pay, all you tell us is you forgave him and stayed married.

Lastly you tell us it was very different to the op. Who's partner had an affair with a woman she knows (of) and she is now trying to blame the other woman. You won't tell us why it was different, yet at its very core, it seems the exact same from what you've written.

A marriage surviving is not a goal in itself. It is not a prize to live with someone who cheats on you and lies to you. There is no winner there. The only time you win, is if the marriage is genuinely happy for both parties going forward. The simple act of remaining married, come hell or high water, is not a prize.

Bluntness100
I’m not being deliberately cryptic. I don’t have to share my story or the reasoning behind my opinions. I neither want to, or need to. I came on this thread because Bubs is not getting support for a perfectly valid emotion she’s experiencing. I want her to know that it’s normal, it’s ok to feel like this and no-one has the right to tell you how you should be feeling. It’s early days for her and anger is part of the long process of healing.

I also want her to know that it is possible to get through this and have a good marriage. If I had not achieved this I would not be here telling her it was possible.

Quite apart from that, it gives the OW too much power. If she really is an evil temptress out to wreck your life, nothing will give her greater pleasure than knowing she's succeeded. You can't make your happiness dependent on her being miserable.

I don't disagree with giving the OW the power. Some have an over inflated ego and I agree that you can't expect other women to keep your partner faithful.

However, if the single OW never gets to see the damage she's been part of or face any consequences.... she'll never change.

At the end of the day we all have different views on this. Neither is necessarily right or wrong.
I just don't agree that because the OW is single...she or others take the view that she is not doing any wrong or shouldn't expect repercussions.

The minute you become a third party in a relationship...you can't plead innocent or expect to be left out of it like a lot if OW do.

I think a lot of the rage against the OW is that although we would still find adultery unacceptable, we could perhaps 'understand' it if the 'temptation' was so great. If the OW was stunningly beautiful, younger, fitter, richer, more intelligent and 'chased them' we could perhaps see the appeal and the temptation.

Often, (and here) that isn't the case. It's someone older, less attractive etc so it's even more painful as we feel less attractive and less valid because he's willing to cause such pain and destruction for someone that doesn't seem 'better' than us in any way.

So that means he just wanted something, anything different. That he just wanted sex with someone else and it didn't really matter who.

The common 'it meant nothing, I didn't even like her that much, didn't really enjoy it etc' is far, far worse to me than having an affair where they actually gave a shit about the other person and had feelings for them.

So you were willing to destroy our family for that. For nothing. Other than you wanted to put your penis in someone new and didn't give a shit about the person you claim to love and have built a life with.

So often that rage is projected onto the OW. She's old, fat, dog rough, a slag etc (I've seen all these terms used on MN). And it shouldn't be. She was appealing enough for him to risk everything for. And that's where a lot of the anger and pain comes form.

How humiliating for the OP to be betrayed for one night with a middle-aged woman who isn't 'special' in any way.

And I know several marriages that 'survived' infidelity. In all of those the DH/DW was contrite and begged not to split up the family.

Because they didn't want to have to move out of their nice house, pay maintenance and or/lose half their assets and pension. Didn't want to lose a lot of their income.

They either don't want to not see their children every day OR don't want to have custody of their children EOW and nights in the week because it's hard work looking after children on your own and it interferes with their other potential plans for evenings/weekends. They don't want the social and family fall out - losing friends, not having Christmas as a family etc.

They still have affairs or ONS but they either get better at hiding it or the DH/DW seems to be in denial or turn a blind eye.

This doesn't happen in every relationship after infidelity obviously. But anecdotally it seems to happen a lot.

A female friend of mine cheated on her DH who she does not love but begged him not to leave her and told me she didn't want to lose her lifestyle and live 'in a smaller house in a shitter area and look after the kids on my own most of the time because you don't get a break'. She still cheats on him while he's looking after the kids.

However, if the single OW never gets to see the damage she's been part of or face any consequences.... she'll never change.

I disagree. I know a lot become remorseful later but it's usually because of life experience changing them than because they didn't know what had happened. Very few will suddenly have an epiphany because of a guilt tripping letter.

Besides, as I said earlier....what consequences? If you're not breaking a commitment, what consequence is that commitment to you? It's not that she didn't do anything wrong, but given she didn't shirk any of her own responsibilities, why's it our business to police and 'change' her?

People change when they want to, and not a moment before.

The simple act of remaining married, come hell or high water, is not a prize.

Totally agree with this.

No point in remaining together for the hell if it, despite being unable to get over the affair.

Very few will suddenly have an epiphany because of a guilt tripping letter.

The letter on it's own will work for some and not for others. Everyone's different....and there isn't always just one type of OW....just like there isn't one type of BS.

Some BSs will make you wish you'd never been a third in their marriage/relationship by dishing out revenge and I don't consider a letter of this kind revenge at all ... that's very mild tbh.

If I was an OW and got such a letter I'd think I'd gotten off lightly, compared to many other things a BS can do.... and I'd feel I deserved it for putting myself in her relationship.

You just can't have it both ways as an OW/OM and want to slither away after the part you've played.

It's not a one size fits all...hence individuals react very differently to infidelity.

Just no

The letter on it's own will work for some and not for others.

I think the odds of it changing the OW, saving the marriage and doing the wronged wife any good whatsoever are so low that the safest bet will always be just to leave well enough alone and focus on what matters and is relevant - the other person in the marriage.

If I was an OW and got such a letter I'd think I'd gotten off lightly, compared to many other things a BS can do.... and I'd feel I deserved it for putting myself in her relationship.

You're not an OW (I assume), and therefore you have not gone through the thought process and experience that makes one.

You just can't have it both ways as an OW/OM and want to slither away after the part you've played.

Why not? It wasn't your marriage. If you had a spouse that you too were cheating on, that's on you. But you didn't break any commitments or vows to the wife. That marriage was not your responsibility. You can't punish people for shirking responsibilities that were not theirs.

If it makes you feel any better, I do think that most OWs suffer in some way. Certainly I've not seen any get to the end of the affair without any tears or pain.

But it's simply not our job to police the morals of others. If they're not doing anything illegal, abusing children or something like that, it's just not our place to try to correct them with guilt-tripping letters because they deserve 'consequences'. Those things get people's backs up and they don't react the way you want them to. They just think it proves that you're the dick.

At the end of the day, if your partner who knows you inside and out, loves you and has devoted years of their life to you, often made new human beings with you - doesn't think it's important enough (or you're not important enough) to not fuck someone else; why on earth would you expect someone who doesn't know you and doesn't care about you to show you more consideration?

Why should it be that stranger that should stop them cheating on you or be punished for it? If the only reason your DP doesn't fuck anyone else is because everyone else says 'no', that's not a victory.

You've still got a shit relationship with someone that doesn't appreciate you. They just haven't found anyone willing to lower their standards to sleep with them. How awful to be in that relationship.

I was the OW once. I didn't know at first and by the time I did know, I thought we were in love. I was very young and now know I wasn't in love and neither was he. When I found out about her I got the she just followed me down here when I moved, she's got MH problems and would kill herself if I left her but I never loved her, we don't sleep together, she just depends on me and we're like brother and sister speech. They didn't have kids.

At 21 I didn't know that was bollocks. I genuinely thought at that time that I was the one that had his heart, that I had more right to be with him and she should just fuck off. I hated her to be honest because I thought she was a burden on him and stopping him (and me) from being happy.

If I'd had a letter from her I wouldn't have cared less. I'd have seen it as proof of an unstable woman who couldn't bear to let go of someone who didn't love her because she was so bitter and twisted and jealous.

I suspect the letter would have said that one night he spent with you has destroyed me. Because they only admit to what they think they can get away with.

I was 'with him' on and off for a few years. I'd end it because it was too painful and he'd pop up months later with a sob story about how he'd left her as couldn't stop thinking about me. Then he'd go back because she was suicidal or going through some other crisis and he was all she had.

One day I saw him and her pushing a pram. They had a newborn and turned out he'd slept with me the day after the baby was born.

At that point I realised just how I'd been lied to and manipulated and how she probably wasn't that mentally unstable kind of sister he'd be saying she was.

I (to my shame) threatened to tell her about us. What did this poor burdened man who'd kept disrupting my life for years because he loved me so much, I was his only chance for happiness and he couldn't stay away do?

He reported me to the Police for harassment.

I'd only sent that one text threatening to tell her (it was an aggressive text) but he told the Police I was a ONS from years before that was obsessed (I'm sure he told his partner the same). I was petrified. I've never had any contact with the Police!

Luckily the Police came round, I showed them text messages and pictures etc and they realised it was bollocks. The lovely male Police officer said (as I was sobbing), this man has cheated on his partner for years, he's not a good man. You both deserve better.

Cheeky bastard phoned me a few days later complaining the Police had given him a bollocking for wasting their time! I haven't seen him for 5 years now and I have him blocked on my phone and I left FB. He 'liked' a Twitter post of mine the other day and my Twitter account isn't under my name but does have a pic of me so he's done some serious digging to find me.

He's still with her btw but still looking for opportunities obviously.