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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Solicitors letter to DH mistress in affair

475 replies

Bub3017 · 06/04/2018 20:17

Hi,

Can I send a letter from my solicitor to the other party in my partners affair; seeking compensation or an apology due to being behind in uni work, having my anxiety medication increased, failing as a person and every other emotional distress I have been under from finding out my partner had an emotional affair that later led to sex?

And yes I am being genuine!!

OP posts:
speakout · 10/04/2018 19:46

I appreciate that it was my choice to do so, but it'd be nice to know it wasn't for nothing

blang- I totally get what you are saying.

A man who has an affair while he is married will be lying to his mistress. I can tell you that 100%.

After all if he can cheat on a woman he is supposedly committed to and has a family, he will have zero qualms about lying to a woman who is there to provide a change of scenery for his dick.

GertieMotherwell · 10/04/2018 19:47

It’s never black and white and my situation is very different to the OPs.

Blangarang · 10/04/2018 19:50

Thank you :)

Gertie, my point was more that I'm probably the rule rather than the exception. Maybe not with the woman attacking me, but with the level of rage and blame levelled at me...not, ironically, the man that was trying to protect me from her attacking me and ruined our lives - but she chose to let him ruin her future. It's horrible

elisenbrunnen · 10/04/2018 19:50

No it's not ok. But - it is not up to the 'wronged' woman to visit retribution on the OW. That is also not OK.

The OW's conscience is up to her. She may have 'low morals' - again, that is up to her, no one else, so long as what she does is not illegal. To decide that your DPs morals are somehow the responsibility of women is ridiculous.

How low are his morals?

elisenbrunnen · 10/04/2018 19:52

They lose their confidence and self esteem after being cheated on and become grateful for any male attention..married or otherwise. this is what happened to Dps sis. She 'lost' her husband (cheating bastard, and a cold man, but 'hers' Angry) and so when a partnered-up man looked at her twice, that was enough. Even though he has nothing, and is an ill-educated, penniless, uncouth and crude twat. The OMs dp simply chucked him out - wonder why? As I said upthread - his Karma. And Hers.

SandyY2K · 10/04/2018 19:53

And I'll add to that...something that annoys me further is when single OWs want to place all the blame on the MM.

Saying he lied..."he said he loved me" ..."he pursued me for ages till I caved in". "He said his marriage was crap"..... "living like roommates"..."only staying for the kids."

Nonsense. Stand up and be accountable. If you're woman enough to be sleeping with another woman's husband...then you better be woman enough to take the backlash... whatever that is... without whining with "what about him the WH?" "why do you hate me and not him?"

The BW can hate the OW all she wants. It's not necessarily misdirected anger. It's additional anger.

If someone shot you, you could .. be just as angry with the person who sold the gun to someone who they knew they shouldn't have.

GertieMotherwell · 10/04/2018 19:57

To decide that your DPs morals are somehow the responsibility of women is ridiculous

It is
Where did this idea come from?

3stonedown · 10/04/2018 20:00

OP I understand your anger towards her. Like PP have said she doesn't owe you anything but it's clear her morals are questionable.

However I have to say if it wasn't her, he probably would have done it with someone else. He is the villain

PoorYorick · 10/04/2018 20:15

She should be made aware of the consequences of her actions

What consequences? She was not committed to anyone, she broke no vows. If an affair wrecks a marriage, that is the consequence of the CHEATING SPOUSE's actions.

And we are not saying 'men' are 100% responsible for affairs, we are saying that married people are responsible for their marriages. In this case, the cheater happens to be the husband, but the determination to blame the woman the most in sexual indiscretion is a sad, tired injustice that goes right back to year dot.

What it all comes down to is wanting to guilt trip the OW, to make her feel bad for what you're going through. If she cared so much about that, she wouldn't have done it, would she? She's obviously worked through whatever issues she might have had with it, so what's the point?

Besides, if you do try to save your marriage, you can't do it on the basis of misdirecting all your hurt and anger, understandable as that is. It will not be resolved. It will not address the problem, which is the CHEATING SPOUSE.

It rarely ends well when you attempt to guilt trip someone quite blatantly. People don't respond to it the way you want them to. Anyway, even if it has the desired effect and the OW is wearing sackcloth and ashes five miles away, so what? What impact does that have on the HUSBAND in the MARRIAGE and HOW YOU'RE GOING TO RESOLVE WHAT HE DID? If he's not sorry, if he's not going to try to make it up to you, if he doesn't intend to change, who cares that some random woman is berating herself somewhere else? What difference will that make?

GertieMotherwell · 10/04/2018 20:19

Lots of wrong assumptions there PoorYorick

Well done

longtallwalker · 10/04/2018 20:23

Did she even know he was married?
It's your OH who owes you a huge apology and decent deal. Focus on that

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 10/04/2018 20:26

Did she even know he was married?

He wasn't married. The OP's possessive crazy doesn't extend to actually getting married. She wants the other woman to treat the relationship more seriously than she does herself. Hence the craziness of her threats to "expose" the relationship in a Catholic village: the exposure would be "I'm having relationship the church regards as illicit, and that hussy has been doing the same".

elisenbrunnen · 10/04/2018 21:11

Spot on, poorYorick.

And cuboidal - good point! Grin

And I say again - who did OP blame when her mum had the affair? (This affair scarred her, and coloured her thinking towards her own relationship, in her own words.) The Mum? Or the dastardly OM who should have known that mum was married with kids... (yeah right) Or did she blame dad, for 'not being enough' - as is normally thrown at the poor DW when HE has an affair.

Did the OM 'walk away without consequences'?

PoorYorick · 10/04/2018 21:19

Lots of wrong assumptions there PoorYorick

Like what?

GertieMotherwell · 10/04/2018 21:25

Supportive as ever elisenbrunnen

Are you deliberately posting to upset the OP?

GertieMotherwell · 10/04/2018 21:41

Suggesting a worst case scenario and twisting the facts PoorYorick to justify your opinions.
I expect nothing else from you

elisenbrunnen · 10/04/2018 21:44

Of course I'm not. As I said upthread some of US have also been in this situation. And it is not helping the OP if everyone just agrees that the OW is a slag, has no morals, should be castigated and preferably publicly flogged! All that does is deflect the BLAME from the DP onto the 'loose' woman. As hundreds of posters have said.

No - if the OP wants to heal, she needs to throw the blame where it belongs - squarely at him. She needs to chuck him out, and stop blaming the wicked, evil temptress woman for his cheating.

Once she has seen him for what he really is - a cheating lying deceitful arsehole - then she can decide what she wants to do with it. But to blame everyone else for his discretions, means that she is not recognising that he could do it again. Because he is a cheating lying arsehole.

Like I said - don't try to cling onto the shit. Wipe it from your hands, then you can smell the fresh air and things become much clearer.

Gertie - you seem to be fixated on the fact that it's the OW who is to blame. Personally, I wasn’t prepared to let the OW walk all over me. Hopefully, she will think twice about doing this again. ; Again - what did you do to her to 'make her think twice'? And what did you do TO HIM?

PoorYorick · 10/04/2018 21:58

Suggesting a worst case scenario and twisting the facts PoorYorick to justify your opinions.

What worst case scenario have I suggested and what facts have I twisted?

Bluntness100 · 10/04/2018 22:03

I'm not sure I understand what's going on, what has poor yorick said that's wrong.

I'm also not sure why you thought the other woman was walking all over you? Surely that was your cheating partner who was doing That?

SandyY2K · 10/04/2018 22:03

What it all comes down to is wanting to guilt trip the OW, to make her feel bad for what you're going through. If she cared so much about that, she wouldn't have done it, would she?

Well she doesn't deserve a gold medal for her part in this, so her feeling guilt is the bare minimum for her actions tbh.

I'm in no way saying the committed partner isn't at fault...they absolutely are...but just because something isn't illegal doesn't make it right.

Bear in mind that any actions to get back at the OW don't need to be illegal either...but they could be bad enough to have a negative impact on her.

If we all went around doing horrible things to others directly or indirectly the world would be a terrible place.

Believe it or not some OW do feel bad for the hurt they've caused. It's very easy to be complicit in an affair when the BS is faceless ...but when you see there's a real person at the end in pain...and you were a contributory factor...It's not a great feeling for anyone. I've come across many remorseful OWs. They have to live with their actions.

Most people who enter affairs don't ever intend to be found out. Not for a minute.

I was quite suprised with something I heard recently actually. A woman in an open marriage was arranging a meet up with a man (aka as bull) ...she checked him out on Facebook first and saw he was married with kids and felt bad.

She asked if his wife was aware of what he was going to do and he said no ..So she backed out. Now she could have said..my DH is fine with this ... as he liked sharing his wife...but she didn't. Considering others isn't really that much to ask.

GertieMotherwell · 10/04/2018 22:17

And cuboidal - good point! Grin
That doesn’t look supportive to me.

I’m not fixated on the OW being to blame at all, just that she should not be absolved from blame.

I will not answer your question as my situation was very different to the OPs, was a long time ago and this thread is not about me.

PoorYorick · 10/04/2018 22:17

Well she doesn't deserve a gold medal for her part in this, so her feeling guilt is the bare minimum for her actions tbh.

Well of course she shouldn't have done it, obviously. My point is, she did. So either she felt no guilt, or she didn't feel enough guilt to stop her. So what is the point in trying to play to her sense of guilt?

Besides, it's still all deflection from the person who actually broke a commitment, and that's the cheating partner. I understand it's easier to deflect the hurt and anger when you're trying to forgive someone, but that doesn't mean it's going to help you long term. It's actually destructive and prevents the real issues from being addressed and resolved. That's the point most of us are making.

Quite apart from that, it gives the OW too much power. If she really is an evil temptress out to wreck your life, nothing will give her greater pleasure than knowing she's succeeded. You can't make your happiness dependent on her being miserable. However terribly she acted towards you, that approach will simply destroy you. (Generic 'you'.)

Believe it or not some OW do feel bad for the hurt they've caused.

Well then, they're already punished. You don't need to do anything. Again, deflecting your pain and anger is destructive and won't help your situation.

I was quite suprised with something I heard recently actually. A woman in an open marriage was arranging a meet up with a man (aka as bull) ...she checked him out on Facebook first and saw he was married with kids and felt bad.

His marriage is fucked whether she sleeps with him or not. He will simply find someone else and anyway the intention is still there. If you found out your husband was hitting on every woman he knows, and just hasn't managed to get anyone to say yes yet, your marriage isn't secure just because he's been 'faithful'.

If you're relying on everyone but your husband to protect your marriage, there's nothing to protect.

GertieMotherwell · 10/04/2018 22:22

If he's not sorry, if he's not going to try to make it up to you, if he doesn't intend to change

Where has the OP stated this PoorYorick

PoorYorick · 10/04/2018 22:28

Where has the OP stated this PoorYorick

I thought it was obvious that I was talking about this as a generic situation, not the OP specifically. My point was that if the husband isn't attempting to make good, it doesn't matter how guilty you make the OW feel - it won't help your marriage, because she's not the one who's a part of it.

And if he IS trying to make good, how she feels is still irrelevant, for the same reason.

TeddyIsaHe · 10/04/2018 22:30

If you stay with him you’ll be back here in 6 months, a year, whenever saying he's done the same thing. This man clearly has absolutely no respect for you or your family and the fact that you’re giving him a second chance after what he did shows how very little self-esteem you have.

Don’t you think it’s better for your children to see a strong woman raising them? Rather than one that accepts being treated like shit and cheated on for the sake of what? You yourself are having counselling for actions your own mum took when you were younger. Why are you letting the cycle happen again?