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Original poster

Solicitors letter to DH mistress in affair

475 replies

Bub3017 · 06/04/2018 20:17

Hi,

Can I send a letter from my solicitor to the other party in my partners affair; seeking compensation or an apology due to being behind in uni work, having my anxiety medication increased, failing as a person and every other emotional distress I have been under from finding out my partner had an emotional affair that later led to sex?

And yes I am being genuine!!

OP posts:
Blangarang · 10/04/2018 18:28

Nobody is saying they think it's OK ffs. You're choosing what you read in our posts to fit your downwithwomen stance and it's really sad to witness

Bluntness100 · 10/04/2018 18:29

I think what people don't understand is why you would wish to be with a man who was only faithful to you because no other women would say yes. Hence why rhe man is our focus.

For you it seems, the fact he's no desire to be faithful to uou, and only is becayse you can rely on other women to say no seems enough.

You need to raise the bar. The other woman is irrelevant. It's the fact your husband or partner doesn't want to be faithful to you and is trying to engage in sex with other women that would be the problem for many others.

GertieMotherwell · 10/04/2018 18:32

Cheating aside. Men/Women aside.

Do you not think that if people do something morally wrong they should be made aware of the consequences?

Bluntness100 · 10/04/2018 18:33

Honestly I'm a bit disturbed by that, do you have self esteem issues? Why would you ever wish to be with a man who you knew was only faithful to you becayse he couldn't get another woman to say yes?

That' actually very sad.😔

Blangarang · 10/04/2018 18:35

You're not the judge, jury and executioner so no, I don't think they should be made aware of it. Whatever actions individuals take are on their own conscience

Blangarang · 10/04/2018 18:37

That statement also implies that they don't already know. Maybe they do and just don't care/feel no responsibility to strangers

Bluntness100 · 10/04/2018 18:37

Do you not think that if people do something morally wrong they should be made aware of the consequences?

I think it depends. Many people who have affairs the man lies through his teeth, I don't love her anymore, I will leave my wife, we don't have sex anymore, I love you. I'm only there for the kids, she knows it's over. Whatever. I think I'd have to be party to what was said and why they became involved.

I've always though cheating on someone is a signal that something is painfully wrong in the primary relationship so would need to understand not just what was said, but the wider context on why both parties did what they did.

In addition, I don't see the benefit, the other woman already knows. However it's your husband who hurt you. If it wasn't her it would have been someone else.

Blangarang · 10/04/2018 18:42

I wasn't going to share this as it's very personal but maybe it'll give you a different insight.

I was once an unwitting ow at 22. As soon as I found out he had a long term partner and child I told him to stay away from me. I felt sorry for her and me and was horrendously hurt/disgusted.

That was until she saw me out in public and attacked me. With him dragging her off me. She'd believed whatever lies he'd told her about me when he was found out. She was arrested and charged were pressed. I had felt sympathy for her and you know, basic humanity until she felt she had the right to harm me. She does not, no matter how hurt she was and was too blinded to see all of this stemmed from his disgusting behaviour.

Bluntness100 · 10/04/2018 18:45

Blang, and so she was still with him. Another man forgiven. Another woman blamed. Sigh.

Moominfan · 10/04/2018 18:45

op sorry your getting hard a time. she's a safe place for your anger whereas your other half is someone you'll be continuing a relationship with. however awful you think she is going with a married man with two kids remember that's exactly what your partner was looking for

Bluntness100 · 10/04/2018 18:50

Maybe the point is not then if more women were aware of what they caused less women would be in this situation, ,,,it is if.more women stopped forgiving men, less men would be prone to do it which would cause less women to be in this situation.

Blangarang · 10/04/2018 18:51

Bluntness, he proposed and they got married....to show his true commitment to her. She made sure I knew and tried to destroy my reputation. Thinking about it after reading this thread, maybe she did know the truth that I told him never to come near me again and her rage was actually about her not having the strength to do that. Id feel sad for her if she wasn't a lunatic

speakout · 10/04/2018 18:53

Blangarang Flowers

What does the other woman "know" though?

She knows what he tells her.
And he has been outed as a liar and a cheat, so what line will any other women be spun by a rat.

A.
My wife and I have been though a rough patch, but we still enjoy a good sex life and we are working on our marriage. I am a little bit bored however and a bit on the side sounds spicy.

or

B. My wife and I will be divorced very soon- we have a lot of financial stuff to sort out so we can't separate until that is done/ little Johnny starts secondary school/my wife is having treatment for anxiety but improving- so we still have to live in the same house- but we haven't had sex in 6 months.

Both are versions of " he is a married man living with his wife and kids".

So the same basic arrangements with a different spin on each.

And in both cases the OW "knows" he is married and lives with his wife and kids.

Love rats have all the volumes of the " Guide to Cheating on your Wife".

Bluntness100 · 10/04/2018 18:55

Well she was a bit of a lunatic to attack you and blame you and marry him. To be fair that's the definition of lunacy.

Personally I think some women have too much invested to end the relationship. Fear of the future, low self esteem, financial constraints. But they need to vent their anger at someone and can only go so far with the cheating partner. Because they want to keep him. So the other woman becomes the natural focus.

Blangarang · 10/04/2018 18:57

Thanks, speakout x

I was in counselling for years for anxiety triggered by that situation and the mess those two, him specifically, decided to make me an unwitting part of. They were both ten years older than me too, so I doubt I was the first. I really hope whoever thinks the ow is unscathed a different perspective

SandyY2K · 10/04/2018 19:12

Do you not think that if people do something morally wrong they should be made aware of the consequences

Definitely.

I believe all poor actions have consequences.

OP - Do you know how the OWs friends reacted to her being outed?

It amazes me how many women have gone from being the betrayed wife to the OW. Having spoken to a fair few, I hear similar things. They lose their confidence and self esteem after being cheated on and become grateful for any male attention..married or otherwise.

They love the ego boost it gives them ...especially if she has a younger man like your DH .... makes her think she's still got something going for her.

elisenbrunnen · 10/04/2018 19:17

Personally, I wasn’t prepared to let the OW walk all over me. Hopefully, she will think twice about doing this again. - what the hell does this mean? Beating her up? Public flogging? Billboard with 'Slag' and her pic outside her home? Yes, we should all do this. To the Woman. not the Man - the married/partnered man. Oh no. He is a prize to be fought over.

I'd like to know how OP reacted to her mum having an affair when OP was young - does she blame the OM for leading mum astray? Or dad, for not being 'enough' for mum?

GertieMotherwell · 10/04/2018 19:31

I actually find it disturbing that you think I believe it’s up to all other women to resist my DH. Leave my DH to me, I can handle that.

What we’re talking about here is the MN attitude to completely absolve the OW and I think this is wrong. She should be made aware of the consequences of her actions, as anyone should who has low moral values regardless of the circumstances. Where is the harm inthat? I obviously don’t mean physical attacks or anything illegal and it has nothing to do with him being a ‘prize’.

how many times is that line spouted on here?

Blangarang · 10/04/2018 19:35

'who has low moral values regardless of the circumstances'

What does that mean?

PerfectlyDone · 10/04/2018 19:38

She on the other hand gets to go about her life like nothing had happened and that really bothers me.

You don't know that.

I think my H's OW is absolutely of dubious moral compass and I don't think highly of her, BUT she did not promise ME to spend the rest of our lives together. She is utterly unimportant to me (although I cannot help but hope that her and H will come acropper... Blush. I am not proud of that feeling).

If she is an actual practicing Catholic she might be very worried about frying in hell. Just sayin'. Maybe that might make you feel better?

GertieMotherwell · 10/04/2018 19:38

Affairs or anything else

SandyY2K · 10/04/2018 19:40

who has low moral values regardless of the circumstances'

I think it's obvious what Gertie is saying.

The OW has low morals for having an affair with a married man.

The fact that she is single and not cheating on a partner of her own doesn't make it ok. It's not ok.

It doesn't make the man blameless either. Everybody should be held accountable for their actions.

Blangarang · 10/04/2018 19:41

That doesn't answer the question of what 'regardless of the circumstances' means...I shared something very personal in the hope it would open your eyes to the lack of black/white. I appreciate that it was my choice to do so, but it'd be nice to know it wasn't for nothing

GertieMotherwell · 10/04/2018 19:41

Maybe the point is not then if more women were aware of what they caused less women would be in this situation, ,,,it is if.more women stopped forgiving men, less men would be prone to do it which would cause less women to be in this situation

Both.

GertieMotherwell · 10/04/2018 19:46

I’m sorry that you experienced that Blangarang and have said that I would never advocate violence.

Not sure how else I can explain it really.