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Original poster

Solicitors letter to DH mistress in affair

475 replies

Bub3017 · 06/04/2018 20:17

Hi,

Can I send a letter from my solicitor to the other party in my partners affair; seeking compensation or an apology due to being behind in uni work, having my anxiety medication increased, failing as a person and every other emotional distress I have been under from finding out my partner had an emotional affair that later led to sex?

And yes I am being genuine!!

OP posts:
Astella22 · 09/04/2018 16:24

I'm from a small catholic Irish town and I can tell you now nobody will give a shit if she has been having an affair and that he had a partner, kids etc. Might be a bit of juicy gossip for the auld biddies but thats about it.
You sound like you really need that counselling and good luck with it. Not sure how you can get over it though, with that level of anger.

speakout · 09/04/2018 16:24

The guy is a lying rat.

Happy to lie to his wife and I can guarantee would have lied to his mistress too. He had even less commitment to his mistress so you can bet your bottom dollar he will be trying every story in the book to get some dick action.

The chances of him not lying to his mistress are zero.

Original poster
Bub3017 · 09/04/2018 16:24

I think I will write the letter for myself as a way to get rid of some of my anger towards her - and it may be therapeutic. I think I will also wrote one to him as well!

He is doing everything that is asked of him and he is trying his hardest to make amends and understands that it will be a long and arduous process but he says he is prepared to do whatever it takes.

I may be angry and hurt but I'm certainly not mad or a potential murderer. I think some people on here have watched one to many crime shows!

OP posts:
Sunshinewater · 09/04/2018 16:30

And speakout, I will repeat what I just said...
And if she did know and he did say he is unhappy or going to leave, you still have no right to interfer in someone’s relationship full stop.

StormTreader · 09/04/2018 16:34

It was fully within his power to not agree to the hotel stay, to refuse to go, to not turn up. I think you are blaming her for tempting him into a single moment of weakness but he made a number of continual choices to say yes, either to her suggestions or to actually going.

"Jolene" is the classic "Other woman" song - do you think Jolene is listening to this feeling any shame or remorse? Of course not. Saying "you made me fail as a person" makes you sound weak and her sound powerful, giving her any of that power is always a mistake.
Sunshinewater · 09/04/2018 16:40

Glad to see your are going to write down your feelings as a way of releasing your anger. You’re going through the stages of grief of the loss of what you thought your relationship previously was. The worst thing to do is bottle up that anger and make yourself ill.

CookieDoughKid · 09/04/2018 16:42

Yes what she was doing was morally wrong but she has no responsibility or accountability to you at all. You need to draw a line on this and move on.

CookieDoughKid · 09/04/2018 16:43

And you will move on. Its a process. My best wishes.

Walkaboutwendy · 09/04/2018 17:03

It doesn't matter she booked the hotel room. He made conscious choices every step of the way. Break it down to how he had to get there:

He met her in a bar
He gave her his contact details
They repeatedly communicated
They arranged where to meet
He travelled there
He went into the hotel
He went to the room
He undressed and had sex

I'm really not trying to hurt you by listing that but trying to get you to see he made choices. Regardless of what she did.

You could argue that sitting in a bar telling a stranger about his son was highly manipulative designed to invoke sympathy. That would be the bit that would anger me. Using my child's issues to pick up strangers.

Fwiw I don't think you're a murderer in the making. That was out of order.

I just think you won't even begin to heal your past or present until you get to your truth.

Of course he is going along with placating you by being remorseful. Ask yourself if you hadn't found out do you in your heart think he would still be seeing her?

The sisterhood thing is bollocks in my opinion and experience. People are people. Some good and some bad. There is no homogenous code of ethics that everyone ascribes to. Sad but true. Believing anything else is just naive.

Karigan1 · 09/04/2018 17:08

Um she’s not responsible for your partner being unable to keep it in his pants. So no.

I’ve been cheated on. I know how you feel but it’s your partner that knew the boundaries and overstepped them. She will get her just desserts later in life when he does the same to her.

Blangarang · 09/04/2018 17:08

[b]I don't think things that have been said in the heat of the moment or in a fit of rage and extreme hurt will lead to murder[/b]

...that's literally the definition of a 'crime of passion' which happens more than it should

Wanderlusting99 · 09/04/2018 17:09

I don't think this makes me weak, as it takes a lot of strength and courage to rebuild a relationship after something like this

It takes a lot more to say 'I deserve better than this' and walk away.

what he did was a stupid, stupid mistake

We've all been there, forgotten our pin number and the bank ate the card, accidentally put a spoon in the microwave, tripped and fell into a vagina. Oh wait....

You have gotten a hard time on here but it's because you think she matters, she doesn't. She could be any woman at all. She didn't promise to be faithful to you, she's not in a relationship from what your posts say, just because your expectation of your relationship is monogamy doesn't mean that is anyone else's, it also doesn't mean that he didn't tell her you were both seeing other people or that you weren't in the process of separating or that you were just together for the kids and she was the love of his life. Go over to the relationships board and you'll find many heartbroken women who thought their boyfriend was in a very different situation to what his wife thought he was.

This will never go away. You will remember this in 50 years time, that happiness you used to feel when you looked at him will always have that tinge of 'but once I wasn't enough for you, once you looked at her the way you look at me now'. People cheat for a reason, it isn't because she had a siren's song, it's because no matter how hard we try some things aren't meant to be, and if your relationship was important enough he would never in a million years risk it. He's told you getting his end away is more important than your family as a whole, listen to him.

speakout · 09/04/2018 17:14

Wise words wanderlusting.

Bluntness100 · 09/04/2018 17:22

Of cours it's irrelevant she booked the room they would have agreed that together, he prob gave her the cash, or promised to pay for the next one.

You seem hell bent on making it this woman was after your partner and he just made a silly mistake because he was so vulnerable.

You have to see how unrealistic this is?

Bluntness100 · 09/04/2018 17:27

Actually, is that why you're so angry with her op? You think she led him astray and he was just vulnerable and made a mistake?

purplecorkheart · 09/04/2018 17:39

No you cannot. Your losses are due to your partners actions not hers. If your partner had an affair with someone else instead of her it would have most likely had the same affect on you. Hence it is your partners actions is the cause.

SandyY2K · 09/04/2018 18:08

I do believe that any woman who enters into a relationship with a man who has a partner and family at home is as guilty as the person cheating.

I agree that she has a lot of blame here ... but not to the extent he is to blame IMO.

You're hurt and angry...which is a very normal reaction in your circumstances.

Of course entering into a relationship with a committed man is wrong.

I think you should actually write a letter to your partner...telling him in writing the impact of his affair on you.

He did this to you too..
being behind in uni work, having my anxiety medication increased, failing as a person and every other emotional distress I have been under

If the man who is supposed to love you did this, you can see how a perfect stranger wouldn't give two hoots.

She has loose morals and so does he... but you want to see the good in him in order to make it work. That's normal too.

You say she's getting away scot free ... well the letter won't change that. Letting those close to her know she had an affair would be more effective ... but in so doing ...you expose your partner as well. If you're prepared to do that .. I would certainly expose her in your small Catholic town.

PutUpWithRain · 09/04/2018 18:45

OP, it's understandable that you are hurt, and angry, and you want to lash out, but at the same time, you probably feel so betrayed and vulnerable to losing your OH that you don't want to direct your feelings towards him. It's much easier to blame her instead.

Writing the fuck out of how you feel will help. I wonder if doing it as a blog might help? That way you know it's written, you know you've sent it out there, you don't have to destroy it/burn it/be tempted to post it directly to her, and you can have it as a private thing that no one else would ever see, but knowing that it exists might help you clear some of the thoughts from your head, instead of having them churning constantly.

It may even be a help to you in the future if you're having a bit of a wobble to go back and see how far you've come - whether that's with your partner, or without him. But just getting it out of your system and into something tangible might help to see more clearly where you want to go from here, because you are in control of this. Not him, definitely not her, just you & what you decide is right for you.

PerfectlyDone · 09/04/2018 19:03

I don't think anybody on this thread is suggesting that her actions were any less morally dubious that your H's but she had not made any promises to you, he had.
That is the difference.
If she had a partner, they would be in your shoes and have every right to be very hurt and cross by her behaviour, not so much your H's.

I totally understand where your hurt feelings are coming from, but apart from the fact that you have no legal leg to stand on, you are sadly directing your ire at the wrong person.

I don't want my husband to be a liar and a cheat, I don't want to know what I now know about him, the man I've known for 25 years, have been married to for 20+ year, have 4 children with, but other than a time machine there is no way I could be back with him as a couple as I simply can never trust him again. He has proven by repeated actions, just as listed by Walkaboutwendy that he is capable of underhand and deceptive planning and repeated lying. If it had not been with this OW, it would have been A.N.Other.

I am gutted, and I can truly empathise to how you are feeling. I do still want my H back, but actually I want the version of him back that I thought he was, not who he actually is and there is no amount of blaming the OW that will make him what I want him to be.

I know every situation is different, but you are hurting for very obvious and understandable reasons and I am very unsure that blaming the OW (letter or no letter) will allow you to move forward.
Thanks

PoorYorick · 09/04/2018 19:24

Yes he cheated and broke his promise to me and our children, but she could have said she didn't want to get involved with something so bloody messy.

And he would still have wanted to. He was the one in a relationship with you. If the only reason he hasn't cheated is lack of opportunity, if you need to rely on other women policing your relationship instead of your partner's commitment, if the only reason he's faithful is because he can't convince women to sleep with him...what sort of a relationship is that?

This is what we mean by saying it's on HIM. HE'S your partner, not her. HE broke the commitment, not her. She did not enter your relationship because she's never been part of it. He walked out of it.

speakout · 09/04/2018 19:36

In fact this woman has done you a favour OP.

It has allowed you to see your OH as he really is- and not the man you thought you had.

It is forever broken - you know now that he doesn't love you as you thought he did, that he is a man capable of lying and cheating.
I wouldn't waste another day with him.

And I would actually feel sorry for this other woman too- she had the misfortune to get entangled with a rat.

Snog · 09/04/2018 20:23

OP I think you are doing the right thing by getting personal counselling support for this traumatic situation.
It might be an idea to give yourself some space from your dh to work through your feelings and process what happened with your parents relationship before deciding how to move forward on this.
I feel for you, None of us is immune from betrayal.
Please consider focussing on yourself for some time rather than on dh or the ow.

Voice0fReason · 09/04/2018 21:39

But she gets to walk away unscathed and I don't think thats fair when she helped to create the devastation.
It's not about what's fair. She walked away unscathed because she had no responsibility or commitment to anyone involved.

Men should not have to be protected from temptation by the sisterhood, they should be able to manage it all by themselves.

mickeymacca · 09/04/2018 22:52

Have some self respect OP. Please don't send her a letter. She is already laughing at you don't give her the satisfaction.

SandyY2K · 09/04/2018 23:02

There will always be women like her out there OP, so ultimately in situations like this, it's down to the committed partner/spouse to be faithful.

There's often lots of "maybe she didn't know he was married/had a partner/has kids" ... whether they know or not .. the cheating partner has absolutely no doubt they are in a relationship...so the buck stops with them.