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Original poster

Solicitors letter to DH mistress in affair

475 replies

Bub3017 · 06/04/2018 20:17

Hi,

Can I send a letter from my solicitor to the other party in my partners affair; seeking compensation or an apology due to being behind in uni work, having my anxiety medication increased, failing as a person and every other emotional distress I have been under from finding out my partner had an emotional affair that later led to sex?

And yes I am being genuine!!

OP posts:
caringcarer · 09/04/2018 23:07

If he is not genuinely sorry and agrees never to have contact with her again it just won't work. Can you still trust him?

If the relationship was good he would not have strayed. Hard to hear I know but usually true. If he is not happy with you he will most likely stray again. Maybe you won't find out next time.

If you are unhappy it is between you and your partner. She is not to blame because if was not her it would just be another woman.

My dh had an affair and I found out. I had 3 children youngest 8 years old. I thought about it a lot and then threw him out. The reason I no longer trusted him and he broke my trust and hurt me badly. We had a good sex life before I found he cheated but after I did not want sex with him.

It was a wrench but I was happier after I threw him out. I met someone else after a year and later remarried and could not be happier. I am so glad I did not just put up with him cheating on me.

You do not deserve to be cheated on and broken. No one does. My advice kick him out and concentrate on you and the kids. In time you might meet someone else who truly loves and cares about you.

EnfieldCanal · 09/04/2018 23:26

*In fact this woman has done you a favour OP.

It has allowed you to see your OH as he really is- and not the man you thought you had.

It is forever broken - you know now that he doesn't love you as you thought he did, that he is a man capable of lying and cheating.
I wouldn't waste another day with him.

And I would actually feel sorry for this other woman too- she had the misfortune to get entangled with a rat.*

This^^ with knobs on.

And you don't know she's 'unscathed', he could have promised her all sorts of things, told her anything.

And nobody knows that 'She is already laughing at you' - she could be heartbroken that he's dropped her when you found out after using her for sex.

I'm just saying you really don't know what she is feeling and that's irrelevant to you anyway.

coffeeX10 · 10/04/2018 00:02

Not to mention he made threats to kill her and himself multiple times... I haven't done that, nor would I.

I’m not being goady, did he threaten to kill her because you found out? Obviously I know it’s not a “serious” threat he’s making but it’s a very childish response, he chested on you, got found out so threatened to kill the other woman and himself. The biggest and most dramatic thing he could suggest to deflect away from your anger and force you into standing down? I agree with everyone else, he’s done you a favour and you’d be better without him. He’s excusing his actions by saying it’s because of the stress of waiting for your sons diagnosis but you said in another reply that actually your sons symptoms are mild. What if something more stressful comes along in life, do you have to worry he’s going to do this again?

I know you’re hurt OP but you deserve better, the counselling you’ll have to have from your mothers actions is something you can save your sons from having to do due to their fathers actions causing you this much hurt and distress.

PerfectlyDone · 10/04/2018 09:04

Men should not have to be protected from temptation by the sisterhood, they should be able to manage it all by themselves.

This.

Why is his behaviour, him choosing his^ actions in any way OW's responsibility?
Her behaviour is her business and I agree with you, she was at best naive, or unwise, or just does not give a shit, but she does not owe you anything.

Original poster
Bub3017 · 10/04/2018 09:43

My partner didn't threaten anyone... Someone tried to say that my words on here were representative of the man jailed yesterday for killing his ex partner!!

I know he's solely responsible for his actions and she wasn't naive - just a bitch!

Everyone is accountable for their own actions including me. I don't get the whole sisterhood thing either, but she was a 47 year old mother of two (kids a similar age to my two) and 12 years older than him who claimed that her ex cheated on her and did other stuff as well. In my opinion she wasn't some young one who got swept up in the moment she knew full well what the potential outcome would be.

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/04/2018 11:05

Bub the ow was in wrong,yea.but the greater wrong was your partner
He has kids,commitment,connection with you.ow owes you nothing
It’s time to get on the bus,destination movin on.and stop banging on about ow

sunshinesupermum · 10/04/2018 12:04

What lipstick said

GertieMotherwell · 10/04/2018 12:26

Bub the ow was in wrong,yea.but the greater wrong was your partner

So what!?
This greater wrong thing is a crock of shit.

Bubs obviously realises he has betrayed her the most. Do you think betrayed women are stupid? That does not absolve the OW from blame. No, she doesn’t get off that lightly.

Bub 💐

GertieMotherwell · 10/04/2018 12:49

You can get through this Bub if you’re both committed to it x

Follow your own heart and don’t be influenced by those who either gave up or failed and then twist it to reassure themselves it was the best decision.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/04/2018 13:27

No one is getting off anything,but habitually pinning it on the ow its keeping bun stuck and it in no way aids a closure or ability to move on
And you now what this other woman she doesn’t owe bub anything they have no connection
Reread thread you’ll see I have actually said I get the anxiety and distress bub is experiencing and I do think some responses to pears op have been harsh
But overall the person on who had obligations to op was her boyfriend not the ow

GertieMotherwell · 10/04/2018 13:41

I think it’s important that posters are supported with this perfectly normal reaction that the OW should suffer some sort of recompense.
To have suffered such turmoil and heartbreak and then have your emotions dismissed is not helpful.

speakout · 10/04/2018 13:46

I don't think anyone is dismissing the OPS emotions.

Some are simply suggesting they are misplaced.

The OW owes the OP nothing.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/04/2018 14:01

Advising op to find a bit of peace isn’t letting anyone off hook least of all ow or op
Anger,shock,retribution all normal response but they need to be limited or it toxic
Op has her course to complete,kids,her ambitions she’s got a lot going on. And there limited value in remaining annoyed at ow. In the here and now op remains with dp. They have significant things to say.

elisenbrunnen · 10/04/2018 14:13

OP - you seem to think that this evil woman threw herself at your DP in a bar, organised and paid for the hotel room and then lay there, legs akimbo... while your poor easily-led DP had no option but to fuck her? He had no say in it? While she, wicked temptress, did all the seducing, dragged him in her lair, held him down... Angry

It's not going to be anything like that, you know. They may have met in a bar, but the hotel room would have been a joint decision. The fucking would have been a joint decision. He knew what he was doing.

Chuck him out, regain your self-esteem and your sanity. Once he's gone, you can see what a piece of shit he really is, not the gold-plate he is trying to project onto himself.

He did this to you. Get rid of the shit, and you will start to smell the roses.

GertieMotherwell · 10/04/2018 14:41

Another really unsupportive, unhelpful post elisenbrunnen

speakout · 10/04/2018 14:58

I don't think elisenbrunnen's post was unhelpful.

When the OP starts to blame the OW to any great degree then her OH is absolved of this part of the blame.

When we start to paint the other woman as a slut, woman of low moral stance, manipulative , whatever, this is alleviating the OH from the burden of guilt at least in part.
And that leads to confusion and an inability to view the problem with clarity.
Even perhaps feeling a tad sorry for the poor guy being targeted as prey by some evil seductress.

It's letting him off the hook.

It was him who lied, him who betrayed, him who cheated.

He is 100% to blame for cheating on his partner, not the other woman.

GertieMotherwell · 10/04/2018 15:02

The post was spiteful, as many are on MN

When the OP starts to blame the OW to any great degree then her OH is absolved of this part of the blame

absolved? That’s ridiculous.

GertieMotherwell · 10/04/2018 15:04

It really does puzzle me why so many posters feel that any negative thoughts or emotions relating to the OW mean that the OP isn’t blaming their partner.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/04/2018 15:05

elisenbrunnen Doesn’t have to be supportive and as hard as the post is to read for op,she’s right. He was not coerced or compelled he unfortunately chose to jeopardise his relationship with bub. Now only bib nows if it is a relationship worth salvaging or time to call quits

GertieMotherwell · 10/04/2018 15:08

But Bub knows this and doesn’t need some random rubbing salt in the wounds, dismissing her emotions and making sweeping statements that have a substantial impact on her life.

speakout · 10/04/2018 15:10

No one is dismissing her emotions.

I can only imagine the hurt, betrayal, anger, disappointment, sadness fear etc that the OP must be feeling.

But this is her OHs fault.

It wasn;t the OW who cheated.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 10/04/2018 15:10

Because op wasn’t going to send her dp a solicitor letter, or tell his catholic family & friends of his infidelity, or publicly denounce him
These were thoughts she had about the ow
Now I’m not saying she was going to act on them,in all likelihood was manifestation of anger
But the flavour is v much anger at the ow,which imo is misplaced for reasons already stated

GertieMotherwell · 10/04/2018 15:17

I can only imagine the hurt, betrayal, anger, disappointment, sadness fear etc that the OP must be feeling

You can’t, you can’t imagine it at all. Unless you have been through this you have no idea and are in no position to offer advice.

I don’t think her thoughts are misplaced at all. It is perfectly possible to be angry at 2 people. Her DP is already suffering the consequences, the OW is not.

speakout · 10/04/2018 15:20

The consequences of what exactly?

The consequences of not cheating on anyone? The consequences of not betraying anyone? The consequences of being a single woman and having consensual sex?

Original poster
Bub3017 · 10/04/2018 15:21

Firstly I absolutely know he is to blame, he is a grown man and fully accountable for his own actions and decisions. He sees the devastation and fallout that his been caused by his poor and selfish actions.

She on the other hand gets to go about her life like nothing had happened and that really bothers me.

His Catholic family and friends do know about what he did as I told them and told my family too. I also told several of the OWs friends about what she did.but this was when I had just found out!

I am disgusted by both their actions and angry at them both.

OP posts:
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